I can’t sleep.

I have too much on my mind.

I write this with a lump in my throat.

The day before Lucas’ birthday, I took a pregnancy test and it came out positive. We had only been “trying” for two weeks! Can you say fertile? Stranger things have happened…

Learning you’re pregnant the first time is one of the most exciting moments in a woman’s life. Not only is it a major milestone on the path of adulthood, it is one of the most joyous experiences you will ever have. I will never forget the day I found out I was pregnant with Lucas. I cried tears of happiness, excitement and fear.

Learning I was pregnant a second time was a little more shocking for me. I had just gotten back to my pre-pregnancy weight and into my favorite jeans. The hair around my face was starting to grow back and I was FINALLY starting to get the hang of this “mommy thing”. The tears this time were out of pure disbelief. I was excited for sure, but also troubled by how our perfect little family of three was going to change drastically. I was mostly concerned with how this new addition would affect Lucas and how I might handle two under two. Doing the quick calculations, Lucas and his sibling would be almost 21 months apart.

I thought I was nine weeks along at my first OB/GYN visit when an ultrasound revealed that I was only measuring at six weeks. We were told we could have our dates off.

I’m pretty good (obsessive) with dates and knew deep down inside that something was terribly wrong.

Blood work was ordered to check my hCG (the pregnancy hormone) levels and more ultrasounds a week later. Unfortunately, my hCG levels dropped and we learned last Thursday that there had been no growth to the embryo since week six.

I had a terrific pregnancy with Lucas, (you can read all about my experience here) so why would I think anything would or could go wrong with this one? I certainly felt pregnant. I’ve been tired and famished and snarky.

But, in the end, my gut was right. There was something wrong and this pregnancy wasn’t meant to be.

Of course, we’ll never know exactly what went wrong (see #3 of my Friday Flip Offs for how I feel about that).

I never wanted to be a part of this group… a woman who has suffered a miscarriage and also a mother who is already blessed with the knowledge of the beautiful outcome of a full term pregnancy.

But here I am, a reluctant member with so many questions and so much sadness. Why did this happen to us? What went wrong? Did I do something different this time around? Will it happen again?
I know that miscarriage is far more common than we like to think and often times there are no answers. I’ll have to accept that. Eventually.

All I know right now is that this hurts, I’m sad and because I don’t want to wait around for my body to have a natural miscarriage, I have a D and C (a procedure to scrape and collect the tissue from inside the uterus) scheduled for this afternoon.

Please keep me and all of the women that have ever had to go through this in your thoughts… if just for today. Thank you. xoxo

This post was written for the word game, Word Up, Yo!hosted by Natalie (Mommy of a Monster), Kristin (Taming Insanity) and Liz (a belle, a bean and a chicago dog).

If you like words too, play along!
This week’s word is snarky.

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  1. Lula Lola says

    I'm so sorry. I before the birth of my first child. And again before my second. You love a child from the time you know they're going to be. I remember people telling me that I could have another child. They didn't seem to understand that it was "this" child I was grieving for.
    It does make your next pregancies much scarier. But, it also makes you appreciate them. When they end happily.
    I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I'm sending positive thoughts and prayers your way.

  2. Liz says

    I'm so very sorry! I will be thinking about you this afternoon. I can totally see why it is even more confusing as to why this happened since you already had a successful pregnancy.

  3. WTH am I Doing? says

    Wow. I am so sorry. :( I wish I had more words, but I just don't. I am so sad for you & wish you the best. I hope you never have to experience this again. Good luck today, I will keep you in my thoughts.

  4. tara says

    Oh tonya, I am so sorry to read this…I have you in my thoughts today as you venture into a new world, one we don't really want to ever be a part of, but don't let this dampen your spirits, you will have another baby, you will, it just wasn't meant to be right now…big hugs…T

  5. Kristin @ Peace, Love and Muesli says

    My midwife once explained it as my body making a house ready for a baby but the baby didn't move it. Don't know if that helps. I've had 2 miscarriages and one D&C. I think its better than waiting.
    Every woman who is "breeding" has likely had a miscarriage just so early that they don't know. I don't think of it as a group just a reality of reproducing.
    That said, it sucks. Grieve, recover and try again.
    It is nothing you did. It's a complicated process.
    P.S. Next time ask for an early ultra sound. A heart beat detected at 7-8 weeks increases the likelihood of term pregnancy. It might put you at ease.

  6. Sophie Eschenlohr says

    I'm so sad you have to go through this Tonya. I can only imagine how frightened and sad you are.

    You'll be surprised to find how many women have been through miscarriages before the end of the 3rd month. Not that this makes things easier for you to bear…

    All my thoughts will be with you today and in the coming days. Hang in there and don't loose hope.

    I love and miss you !


  7. Natalie says

    Tonya, my friend…you are so very brave and courageous to write about this. I'm glad you decided to share your experience.

    This post is going to help someone currently going through it, or inspire somebody else to write about their loss…or both!

    You know I'll be thinking about you this afternoon – I'm already sending lots of love, hugs, and good vibes your way.xxoxo

  8. Ms. Understood says

    Oh my gosh . . . . I'm so sorry. You are amazing to share this and be so open about it. I hope you physically recover well from this and can move forward to expanding your family when you are ready. As far as emotionally recovering, I pray that you heal.

  9. Big Mama Cass says

    Oh honey, I am so sorry for your loss. I have been there. Sadly 6 times. But just remember, It's all worth it. Hug your little boy. This too shall pass.

    My thoughts are with you.


  10. Leah says

    I just don't even know how to comment on this. It may not have been in my body but I still feel like I am grieving. I hate more than anything that this happened to you. It's not fair. Why do horrible things have to ever happen? I do know that you shouldn't for a second blame yourself or your body. This is not your fault.
    I love you very much and will always be there for you and your family. XOXO

  11. Jessica Anne says

    I'm so sorry for your loss. This is such a brave post and will help so many other women going through the same thing.

  12. Jacki says

    I'm so sorry for your lost. I just went through a miscarriage and I admire your strength to post about it.

  13. WeeMasonMan's Mom says

    I meant to comment on this the other day but I was reading from my phone. I'm so sorry for your loss.

  14. Gina says

    Hi Tonya,
    Was thinking of you all day on Monday. I am so sorry you had to go through this and know how excited you must have been about giving Lucas a little sibling. Leah was saying that it's your body's way of terminating something that wouldn't have turned out well and I think that makes sense. Trust your body. I know that you will get pregnant again when the time is right. You are an amazing mommy and Lucas is so lucky to have such a caring, intelligent and insightful mother. My thoughts are with you during this difficult time. Lots of love and positive thoughts your way. Btw…even though I don't comment on every post because I sometimes read your blog from my phone…I literally read every single one of your posts! I adore your writing and think it was very courageous of you to share your experiences about this.

  15. Sherri says

    So, so sorry to hear about this. I was on a road trip the day you posted this, and missed it until today. It is such a sad, sad thing to miscarry, and I know you already knew the great joys that were ahead in the months to come, since you have already experienced them. You will be in my thoughts.

  16. Devan @ Accustomed Chaos says

    I am so sorry for your loss. I am saddened every time I hear of another woman and family going through this terrible pain and journey. Sending you many good thoughts and if you need any support you know where to find me ♥

  17. Tough Cookie Mommy says

    I am so sorry for your loss. I feel like anything I say besides that will be inadequate…I will be keeping you and yours in my thoughts and prayers.

  18. Nichole says

    My heart breaks that you know this pain.
    When we learned that our baby had died, we chose to come home and wait for my body to miscarry. It was an excruciating experience. It wouldn't have mattered which option we chose…there is no easy way to go through the process.

    My prayers are with you…I hope that you have had your last sad day.
    You deserve tremendous happiness.

    Much love to you.


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