My Letters For You guest this week is my sister Leah, who also blogs at L.A. ‘n’ L.A.
Our mother would have celebrated her 62nd birthday this week and here is a letter to our parents.
Dear Mom and Dad,
I miss you both every day. There’s nothing in life that I want more right now then to see the two of you. A couple weeks ago was the fourth anniversary of your deaths. It frightens me how long you’ve really been gone. You’ve been gone for 1,486 days of my life so far.
There’s so much that I want to tell you. There’s so much that you have missed.
Ultimately, I believe that your deaths changed me. I’ve grown up since you died. I guess I had no choice. I honestly don’t think that I’m your “Little Leah” anymore.
About two years after you died, I moved to Los Angeles. It was time for a change and as you know, I had wanted to move here for a long time. Something else pushed me into moving and that was that Tonya had a baby! That’s right, your oldest daughter has a beautiful baby boy who I cherish more than anything in this world. He brought me back to life after you died.
Lucas is his name and he has your eyes, Daddy. I take so much pride in being his aunt and I do my best to make sure he knows how much he is loved. Tonya and I talk to him about you both all the time and he recognizes your faces in pictures. At 2 years old, there is no one that can make me smile quite like Lucas. There is no doubt in my mind that you would have made excellent grandparents and I’m sorry that you didn’t get that opportunity.
It’s still crazy to me that my big sister is a mother. You would be so proud of her. She’s amazing. Tonya manages to not only be my key support system, but also the most incredible mom. She is so patient and loving. It’s unfair that you are not here to witness her shine in this role. I think that it would have rejuvenated your relationship with her, mom. I really do.
Without you both here guiding and supporting me through life’s ups and downs, I have leaned on Tonya at times of need. I do my best to listen to her and trust her advice. Of course we aren’t perfect and we still bicker from time to time but I do think that we are becoming better sisters and better friends all the time. There is no one that I would have rather had at my side when you died. I like to think that we get each other through the bad moments.
Since moving to L.A., I have struggled to get a job in the music industry. After you died, the economy took a plunge and the music business has been weakened. Finally this past August, I landed a job at a small radio marketing company. I also nanny for a family and have even discovered a new calling in the photography world. I have made some incredible new friends and have even found many high school and college friends that live here in L.A. too. Simply put, I am happy with my life here and I’m so glad that I moved here. Through it all, each day, I strive to make you proud of me. I try so hard to be the daughter that you thought I was becoming. I often wonder if this is the life that you hoped that I would have at 27 years old.
Even after four years, I still catch myself questioning if you are both really gone. I look for signs of you everywhere. I can’t hear a Beatles song, eat a Snickers, walk by a Build-a-Bear store, drink a Diet Dr. Pepper or do so many other things without thinking of you two. I’m touched every time someone says that I remind them of you.
I’m still so angry at you, or rather the hot water heater in your house. I was robbed of so much time with you. It breaks my heart thinking that you won’t get to meet my future husband, be at my wedding or play with my children. These are just the big events. The little ones hurt just the same. I hear people talk about what awful relationships they have with their parents and how they aren’t close. I understand now that what we had was rare. I was very lucky to have such close relationships with you both. Of course, mom, you and I both know we had more. We were best friends too. I literally can’t breathe from sadness sometimes when I think of how much I miss you in my life.
I feel like an orphan. I don’t think that is going to ever go away. It’s a title that I’ve somehow gotten used to and I’m alright with that. If I had one more hour with you both, all I would tell you is that I love you more than words will ever be able to express. I am so eternally grateful for the life that you gave me. You are in my heart today, tomorrow and always.
Lovingly your daughter,
Leah
August 4, 2007, one of our last family photographs.
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There is so much love in that picture and in your letter. I’ve followed this blog for a while and I’ve read about Tonya’s grief, I’ve actually wondered about you since I knew she had a sister. I hope you don’t think that is too weird. I can see the resemblance of your mom in both you and Tonya. Beautiful letter full of so much love.
From Leah: Yes, Tonya does have a sister and that’s me! Nice to meet you. People do often say how we look like our mom. I think I do more and Tonya looks more like our dad.
Thank you very much for allowing me to write a letter in your series. This was seriously like therapy for me. I know that this is a long letter but I really couldn’t take anything out. I do really wish there was a way to send this.. Hmmm… 🙁
Beautiful letter Leah. I think it’s wonderful that you and Tonya have been there for each other through these past 4 years.
From Leah: Thank you for your kind words and indeed, Tonya and I are very lucky to have each other. I can’t imagine having to go through this kind of a grief alone.
Yesterday it was 23 years since my husband’s father had passed away. I don’t know it is like to lose a parent but I do understand the hole that is left in the family. I’m sorry that you have this hole in your family but at least you have each other. I’m sure that helps in difficult times.
Yes, grief is grief Jessica. I certainly do feel that hole in my heart but it does help having Tonya by my side through the bad moments.
I cant think of anything to say :*-( This letter is so good and sad and sweet!
I know. My friends often struggle with the right thing to say to me. Sometimes, just being there and giving me a hug is all i need. 🙂
What beautiful words.
Such longing and loss and sadness … but also, joy. Throughout your words I read your love and happiness of another time, your family sounded so close and loving and fulfilled. I am glad you have eachother to lean on, to share your memories and keep that love alive.
So many blessings to you both xxx
There is certainly some joy behind some of these words. We were a close and loving family.
I can’t imagine the hole in your hearts from this. This was a beautiful letter that really brought tears to my eyes. I am so very sorry for your loss.
Thank you for your condolences Kimberly.
This was so beautiful…and sad, and haunting all at the same time.
I have tears in my eyes right now for both of you girls, and for your parents for what they have missed.
xoxo
Yes, my parents have indeed missed so much and there’s still so much that they will miss. It breaks my heart thinking about that. Guess I just have to remember that they are with us in another way now.
Leah, this is a beautiful letter. I’m so sorry for your loss but so happy you and Tonya have each other.
Thank you Coreen. It felt good to write it and get it out there.
I can’t imagine going through this. I’m so glad you (Leah) had the chance to write this beautiful, heartfelt letter. I saw in one of your comments that you wished there was a way to send it. I’d like to think they’ve seen it and knew your feelings even before they were published here.
Yes, if it’s possible, I too believe that they saw this letter and of course knew everything that was in it. I just wish that I could have told them all these things in person.
This a beautiful letter, Leah. It bought tears to my eyes because it is sad too. I think about your Mom every November 10th ever since I met her, way back in the 80’s. I wish I lived just down the road from you so that I could give you and Tonya a big hug right now. Take care XOXO
Thank you Sophie. I honestly don’t think I get enough hugs in my life. Lots of love to you. XOXO
Leah this is really beautiful… And, I’m certain it was a very healing experience. I’m proud of you. Thanks for sharing. Love you girl.
Thank you M. I’m grateful that I’ve found things to do in life that are healing for me. Love you too and can’t wait to see you soon. XOXO
Leah, what a beautiful and moving letter! I am positive your parents would beam with pride at who you are today. I’m happy to know you and be part of the wonderful life you’re building in LA. With much love!
Thank you dear SP. It means a lot knowing that the people closest to me think that my parents would have been proud of me. I am also so glad to have you part of my LA life. Thank you for always being there for me. XOXO
What an amazing letter, Leah. I feel both your love and your pain. And as for wishing there was a way you could send it, I think you already did 🙂
It’s funny, I do feel like I sent it. They know all of these things already. You are right, there is a lot of love and pain in this letter. It just depends on the day how I feel. Thank you for reading it.
argh now i’m crying at my desk. look what you’ve done! leah you are truly one of the loveliest people i’m lucky enough to know, and i KNOW your parents would be awed by what an amazing person you are today! much love!
Oh, I didn’t mean to make you cry. I’m sorry. I really appreciate your kind words. I too am so grateful to have met you and to have you in my life today. Much love right back at ya. XOXO
What a wonderful letter. Obviously straight from your heart. I’m glad you guys have each other.
We are indeed lucky to have each other. Thank you for stopping by and reading my letter. 🙂
This may sound strange, but after reading your letter and seeing the beautiful picture of the four of you, my eye was immediately drawn to the gold band on your father’s finger…
It’s like that symbol of love and commitment just pulled me in. And it’s still so evident in your words to your parents.
There is so much love there.
I can’t imagine the loss you and Tonya have endured (my parents are 64 now and I don’t want to imagine it).
But I look at that ring and try to imagine that some things endure beyond time. An unbroken circle.
That’s your bond.
Thank you for your lovely comment.
Interesting that you should bring up my father’s ring… it’s platinum, by the way. I always notice it in photos too and think the exact same thing. He was so committed to my mother and our family and really everything he set out to do. He was wonderful.
To lose your parents is inevitable, but not until they are much older. And NEVER would I have thought at the same time. It’s just too much to comprehend sometimes. I would not wish our loss on anyone. Ever.
Thankfully, Leah and I have one another. I’m not sure what I would do without her.
Thank you Julie. You are very right, there was so much love between the two of my parents and between all of us. I don’t think that anything will ever take that away from Tonya and I. When I think of a great true amazing love story, I think of theirs. I can only hope to have that kind of love in my own family one day.
This is indeed a beautiful, heartfelt letter. I know how proud both your parents were of you and Tonya. If you had one more hour with them you would just yearn for one more and then another. They knew you loved them and they knew you would excell. I hope your mom had a wonderful birthday, filled with hearts and flowers and little kitties. I love you very much.
Thank you Aunt Gail for your sweet words. You are right and I know that they knew all these things too. I just would love the chance to tell them in person once more how much I loved them and how grateful I am for my life. Lots of love to you. XOXO
Wow. This was so beautiful Leah. Love and miss you 🙂
Hi Leah,
Beautiful letter, and even more beautiful is the picture.
– Leika
Also among 13 left in the race is the Aidan O Starspangledbanner as well as three British hopefuls in the shape of Clive Cox Hungerford scorer Lethal Force, David O Penitent, winner of the Joel Stakes at Newmarket last week, and Pintura from Kevin Ryan stable.Calendar 2007