Letters For Lucas

Wonders, Mishaps, Blunders and Joy.. commentary on my life as a mom in the form of letters to my son

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My Candidate

Posted on November 9, 2016 Written by Tonya

It is the day after the 2016 Presidential election and I am sad, shocked, confused, and very worried for our country.

I know I’m not alone.

The candidate I voted for, researched, supported, donated money to, believed in and admired did not win.

My candidate is tough as nails.

My candidate has withstood a constant barrage of hatred, vilification, smears, and mudslinging for 25 years. Republicans blame her for everything!

I was able to look past my candidate’s flaws and scandals. I saw a person who has spent much of her life fighting for causes that are important to me; family values, children, education and equality for ALL, especially women and minorities. She has been a champion for advancing equal opportunities for women and girls in America and around the globe, calling women’s empowerment “one of the great causes of my life.”.

This is who I want in the White House. Electing our first woman president would be an important step to ending gender inequality. And now that I am the mother of a daughter, this is imperative.

More than ever.

This country is so full of hate.

lolaforpresident

I still believe.

My candidate impressed me with her intellect, judgment, and compassion. We all know the mess she endured because of her husband’s infidelities. That was not her doing. She tried to protect her family as best she could and in the end, perhaps having her own political agenda and dreams of leading our nation from the Oval Office, stood by her man.

I took Lola with me yesterday when I went to vote bright and early and snapped a photo outside my polling location, an elementary school within walking distance of our home. Elated to finally see a woman’s name on the ballot, I proudly voted for my candidate with my daughter at my side.

I was not expecting to be emotional but I cried anyway.

I cried tears of joy because I thought we had come so far and not since Barack Obama have I cared this much about politics.

I voted for Obama in 2008 while pregnant with Lucas and rejoiced at his win while at a Madonna concert at Petco Park. That was a magical night.

Watching Decision 2016 unfold on NBC as polls closed across the country  I was thrilled to see the many blue states light up. I thought my candidate had it in the bag.

I was wrong.

So many of us were wrong.

Today I believe more than half of our country is made up of ignorant ass hats.

But I digress.

As I try to honor the outcome of the election and make sense of this America we live in, I will continue to teach my children, my sweet innocent children love, kindness and tolerance. I will teach them that ALL lives matter and to use their voice. Loud and often!

Donald Trump is going to be our president.

And as Secretary Hillary Clinton said this morning in her concession speech, “we owe him an open mind and the chance to lead”.

This is really happening.

And it will be interesting to say the very least.

——————————————————

The following is from The Huffington Post article, America Elected A Man Who Said ‘Grab Them By The P***y’ Over The First Female President:

Donald Trump openly bragged about using his celebrity status to sexually assault women. And multiple women accused him of actually doing so.

He said he was in favor of banning people from entering the United States based on their religion.

He believes that women he finds physically unattractive or overweight are lesser people.

He thinks that many Mexican immigrants are rapists.

He mocked people with disabilities.

He encouraged violence against protesters at his political rallies.

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Filed Under: a mother's guilt, annoyances, controversial topics, current events, family, inspiration, loss, milestones, motherhood, parenting, potty training, pregnancy2, question, raising girls, twitter, update, video, vote, wordless wednesdays, work, working mom, worry Tagged With: a mother's guilt, annoyances, controversial topics, current events, election, family, Hillary Clinton, inspiration, loss, milestones, parenting, politics, raising girls, vote, women, worry

Word Of The Year

Posted on January 27, 2014 Written by Tonya

Okay, so the first month of the new year is almost over and I’m just now getting around to this…

It seems like a silly exercise, picking a single word or theme for the entire year, but I prefer it over making resolutions any day and it does help to focus on want is truly important.

Last year it came to me so easily… the word peace. It was what I was seeking, longing for and needing so desperately in my life.

Just days after the new year began I found out I was yet again not pregnant following a third or fourth (I lost count) IUI. It had been our 13th attempt and I was depressed and angry and although somehow not ready to give up, ready for resolution and peace. Peace in my heart and quiet in my mind.

Two months later we ended up back where had started, at IVF and this time it proved successful and with it came some peace and a lot of joy but always tethered with doubt and worry.

I don’t know that I necessarily achieved the level of peace I was looking for in 2013, but there were certainly moments when I felt reflective and rested, as if everything was going to be okay. I carried that feeling with me throughout the year and throughout my pregnancy.

The last half of 2013 came with many changes for our family and lots of upheaval, a big move into our dream house and now we are in the throes of getting ready for our new baby. It’s a very exciting time!

This year I want to embrace all the change headed my way and be with it.

Fully.
Completely.
Absolutely.
Perfectly.

Come what may….

embrace

What’s your word of the year and are you living up to it so far?

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Filed Under: inspiration, new year, question Tagged With: inspiration, new year, question

Too Cute Halloween Peep S’mores

Posted on October 30, 2013 Written by Tonya

Lucas came home from preschool last year on Halloween with a treat bag full of goodies from his classmates. I felt like a total heel because we didn’t send any treats (I didn’t know!!), so this year I wanted to make sure we/I did. I am the least crafty person I know so I’m constantly stealing borrowing other people’s ideas. I wanted to do something different than just sending a bag of standard fun-size candy.

Low and behold… While waiting for a doctor’s appointment yesterday (nothing like procrastination!), I was going through my Instagram feed and found the cutest and more importantly easiest idea posted by Mamainlalaland.

A quick trip to Michael’s and the grocery store and an assembly line was set up! The result is too cute…

peep

We put together 30 bags in less than an hour, so there is still time to make these for your favorite ghouls and boys!

Directions for Halloween Peep S’mores:

  • 1 graham cracker (broken in half)
  • 2 mini Hershey bars
  • 1 ghost Peep (they make pumpkin Peeps too if you want to mix it up)
  • Place in treat bag
  • Tie (I used orange and black raffia and a Halloween tag I found a free printable for at Anders Ruff Custom Designs. You can download it here.

Directions for making the s’mores (in case anyone asks):

Place an unwrapped chocolate bar on top of a graham square. Top with ghost peep and second graham square. Microwave 10-15 second and enjoy!

I am so thankful for creative people who inspire me. Happy Halloween!

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Filed Under: arts & crafts, holidays, inspiration, school Tagged With: arts & crafts, holidays, inspiration, school

Birth Announcements

Posted on January 29, 2013 Written by Tonya

I am overwhelmed.

I’m finding it hard to breathe.

Everywhere I look, plastered floor to ceiling are beautiful cards.

Tiny Prints, Minted, Shutterfly.

Matte, glossy, squares, rectangles, flat and folded. 

Brand new fresh faces.

Blank stares.

Scrawny bodies.

Sleeping angels.

Loving welcome messages.

Kind letters of gratitude to the skilled doctor.

I feel space around me closing in.

Dates.

Weights.

Lengths.

First, middle and last names.

Beaming new parents smile back at me.

There are also photos of the good doctor with the new bundles of joy.

I’m fighting tears now.

I read biblical verses like: “Every good and perfect gift is a gift from above.” James 1:17 on more than one card.

Dreams do come true.

Believe!

The prince has arrived.

It’s a boy!

It’s a girl!

Twins!

Meet the newest member of our family!

We’ve been blessed.

Our wish came true.

Our prayers have been answered.

I can’t bear it.

I stand up and calmly walk toward the door.

I’ll reschedule for another time when I’m not feeling so weak.

And then, my name is called.

As I am ushered to a room, I pass the receptionist’s desk and I grab a business card.

I am hopeful.

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Filed Under: infertility, inspiration Tagged With: hope, infertility, inspiration, secondary infertlity

Unwavering

Posted on January 25, 2013 Written by Tonya

It’s been sitting on my nightstand for months and I now know why I waited so long to read it, I needed these words now.

I know everyone and their mother has already read Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail, but I finished it today and it did something I haven’t experienced from a book in a long time. Cheryl Strayed’s words reached a place deep inside me and I let them seep into my heart and soul making a profound impact.

Wild is inspirational and reflective of the struggles we all face in life. While reading, I made many parallels to my own life; the dissolution of my first marriage, my grief over losing my parents too soon, the rocky and yet oh so wonderful days of motherhood and not taking for granted the beauty that lies all around us, if we just stop to look, but the biggest comparison I made was to my infertility journey; the highs and lows and mammoth blisters in between.

Strayed is brutally honest about her weaknesses as well as her strengths and anyone going through any sort of hardship should read this book. I promise it will give you courage to help you face the hurts and overcome your grief as well as empower you to keep going no matter what the obstacles.

I have learned so much about longing and gut-wrenching pain over the last few years and I wonder how much more I can endure. It seems as though each heart break is more debilitating than the last and yet, somehow instinctively I know when our second child is placed into my arms, however and whenever that might be, just like Strayed’s final day of her 1100 mile soul searching hike, a dark, ominous cloud will be lifted and all of my doubts, struggles losses and tears will not have been in vain.

Few people have Strayed’s courage to live their own truth and to tell that truth without wavering. I admire her immensely, I am grateful for her words and hope in some small way that I am a tiny bit like her.

wild

Click on image for source.

Have you read Wild?

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One Word

Posted on January 15, 2013 Written by Tonya

I have big plans for this year.

So far, two weeks in and it hasn’t been that wonderful… another negative pregnancy test, more bad news on my parents house and a cold/flu/sinus yuck that won’t go away. There have have some really great things too, but more on that later.

But still, I am expecting a lot from 2013.

I have personal and professional goals that I hope to achieve as well as many things I want for my family.

When I think about everything I hope to accomplish in the year ahead, the remaining 50 weeks, many words come to mind that I believe will help keep me on task and serve as my driving force:

Hope
Patience
Trust
Focus
Gratitude
Relax

All great words in their own way and very relevant to my life right now, but there is only one word that envelopes what I truly want in 2013:

OneWord2013_Peace

This customized One Word button was designed by Melanie of Only A Breath

I want to keep the peace.

I want to make peace.

I want to hold my peace.

I want to be at peace.

In other words, I want to remain hopeful and as patient as I possibly can while trusting the process and myself, focusing on the end result and what truly matters by expressing my gratitude for all the blessings in my life and learning how to relax a little along the way. See what I did there?

Peace.

It’s the perfect word, all encompassing, a constant and quiet reminder every day of this year. It’s what we should all strive for, globally and within our own hearts and minds.

What’s your one word?

Linking up with Nicole of Sisters From Another Mister, Laura of Mommy Miracles, and Melanie of Only A Breath (who will customize your One Word button for you for free, just e-mail her!).

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Filed Under: blog hop, infertility, inspiration, peace Tagged With: blog hop, infertility, inspiration, peace

As Seen On Pinterest

Posted on September 24, 2012 Written by Tonya

Let me first preface this post by saying I am not the craftiest mom on the block and I have burned rice at least TWICE, but I can usually follow instructions.

Pinterest, while it may be somewhat of an obsession for me, (I have pinned over 5000 things) it mostly makes me feel inadequate about my life, my body, my homemaking skills and my craft quota. 

I daydream of being that wife and mother that presents her family with four course homemade meals daily, decorates to the nines for each and every holiday, (or and day that end in -y) travels to far-off exotic destinations, always looking stylish and chic while doing any of the above, hand makes everything and knows how to decoupage, macrame and fishtail braid.

Every once in a while, however, I come across an idea I fool myself into believing I can pull off.

Pinterest is a great place for inspiration but the the outcome rarely resembles the picture, at least in my case. But at least I try…

Here are three of my latest attempts that are worthy of sharing!

The Pin – Book Cover Art Work

Click on image for source and how-to.

The Project

I’m pretty happy with the way this project turned out and actually like it better than the pin. Lucas was very excited about it too,  although you wouldn’t know it by his expression. O_o

SIDE NOTE #1: I was a little disappointed that I e-mailed the original crafter for some help and have yet to hear back.

SIDE NOTE #2: 3M Super 77 multi-purpose adhesive is super nasty sticky stuff! If attempting this project, wear gloves at all times. Just saying.

The Pin – Photo Ideas For Boys

Click on image for source.

The Project

Lucas is crazy about cars and was really into this shoot, especially the set-up.

The Pin – Pumpkin Chocolate Chip Bread

Click on image for source and recipe.

The Project 

A complete and utter fail!

Photos of food always look better than the real thing, so please refrain from licking the screen.

Ack!

This was a complete disaster, AKA #PinterestFAIL.

After cooling for over an hour, I shook the loaf out of the pan and it fell into itself. Maybe I used too much pumpkin puree, my other ingredients were old, or I missed a step but clearly this did not turn out the way it was suppose to.

For more Pinterest projects that I have tried, visit my board, aptly titled Pinterest Projects I Have Tried. Clever, no? 

Have you made any Pinterest projects come to life lately? How many have gone awry?

Click on image for source.

Linking up with Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop. Prompt #4 Choose an item you recently pinned on Pinterest and…TRY IT! Was it a success or failure?

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Filed Under: arts & crafts, books, challenges, cooking, funny, inspiration, mama kat's writer's workshop, photos, pinterest Tagged With: arts & crafts, books, challenges, cooking, funny, inspiration, mama kat's writer's workshop, photos, pinterest

40 Things To Do While I’m 40

Posted on June 25, 2012 Written by Tonya

So, like many of you I have a Bucket List of very lofty, somewhat expensive and sort out there things I would like to do before I die, but in the meantime, I have 40 immediate goals to tackle over the next 12 months (seeing as I have sort of missed the boat on things to do BEFORE turning 40).

Actually, I am very happy with my life, the way I look and the items that fill our family calendar. Oh, sure, I wish I had my pre-pregnancy tummy back, fewer gray hairs on my head, and a lot more free time, but I’m really okay welcoming a new decade.

My 40 things, in no particular order:

  1. Watch all 550 minutes of The Planet Earth DVDs.
  2. Run at least four 5Ks. The first one is coming up on July 4!
  3. Sell my parents house in Arizona.
  4. Find a new house here, buy it and move in. Whew!
  5. If we aren’t going to move, finish decorating our living room.
  6. Raise a puppy. More on this later.
  7. Have a baby or at least get and stay pregnant by June, 2013. I am SO ready to get off this roller coaster.
  8. Read one book (at the very least) per month.
  9. Stop letting so many phone calls go directly to voice mail (are you reading this, Leah?).
  10. Successfully potty train my son. It’s time, yo! 
  11. Finish writing my father’s story.
  12. Go easier on myself. In general. In all matters of my life.
  13. Resume my yoga practice.
  14. Walk the 1000 steps in Laguna Beach.
  15. Purge my stuff.
  16. Have an epic garage sale. See above.
  17. Drink more champagne.
  18. Take Lucas to the beach by myself. Just once.
  19. Schedule more one on one time with my sister.
  20. Take Lucas on the Radiator Springs Racers at Cars Land just as soon as he grows one inch taller. 🙂
  21. Eat more salads than sandwiches. At home.
  22. Spend less time blogging, tweeting, status updating, pinning and playing games. For reals!
  23. If I have to be on Pinterest, start trying some of the shit I pin.
  24. Meet more local bloggers in person.
  25. Make out with my husband more.
  26. Reach out to my family across the country more often.
  27. Lower expectations across the board.
  28. Cook more. I was on a roll for a while and then got lazy.
  29. Try new restaurants… Pizza Ortica, Chow, The Deck, Rooftop, etc.
  30. When eating out at the same old places, try something different on the menu for a change.
  31. Never lie about my age.
  32. Give paddle boarding a whirl.
  33. Go camping.
  34. Consider hiring a trainer.
  35. When moisturizing, never forget my neck!
  36. Mail medical insurance claims before my husband has a cow.
  37. Volunteer in Lucas’ classroom.
  38. Leave the phone in the car and really BE in the moment.
  39. Spend more time outdoors.
  40. Stop making lists!

Happy birthday to me.

Look for updates!

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Filed Under: birthdays, goals, inspiration, list, pinterest Tagged With: birthdays, goals, inspiration, list, pinterest

The Waiting Room

Posted on June 21, 2012 Written by Tonya

A coffee table covered with the latest magazines.

12 chairs.

1 love seat.

After over a year of treatments and planing my exit, I always opt for a seat near the door because I’m still in denial that I have to be here at all.

Couples sit close enough to touch or are clasping hands.

Coffee is provided on a table, which also houses a plastic container full of pamphlets on pharmacies, insurance coverage and coping advice.

The majority of the patients are tapping away on their phones or have their heads buried in a magazine pretending to be engrossed in an article. Some just stare at the floor.

The uptempo jazz being pumped into the room does zero to alleviate the desperation in the air.

No words are ever spoken apart from the rare, but polite bless you after a sneeze.

Eyes never meet.

Smiles are never shared.

All of us are waiting on the edge of our seats for good news.

The instant the front door is opened, we all jump a little and then silently wonder to ourselves, where is she in her cycle.

One of the cruelest jokes of all is the nurse that calls out our names when it’s our turn is 5 months pregnant.

I loathe the waiting room.

But I continue to have hope.

This adorns one of the walls at my RE’s office.

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Filed Under: inspiration, IVF, miscarriage Tagged With: inspiration, IVF, miscarriage

Women Speak

Posted on April 23, 2012 Written by Tonya

One in every eight couples in the United States are affected by infertility.

Nearly six million families are childless. Some chose this option, but many more long for children that never come.

According to the National Survey of Family Growth, more than 1 million couples grapple with secondary infertility, a couple’s inability to conceive a baby, even though they’ve had at least one child in the past.

My husband and I are one of these couples. Since Lucas’ first birthday, I have had five miscarriages, one with the aid of IVF treatment.

Six months ago I apprehensively attended to my first RESOLVE support group meeting and after hearing the stories of each brave and compassionate woman around the table, I didn’t feel so alone anymore. Here were women, just like me that are angry, sad, confused and longing to have a child, their first or another. 

I had made new friends.

One of those new friends was Annette Prieto-Llopis, who has written a wonderful piece on CNN.com’s In America today called, The unheard voice of infertility: A Latina’s story.

Annette introduced me to Molly Nichols, better known as Inspirational Mama and from there I learned about Women Speak. In recognition of National Infertility Awareness Week (April 22-28), Molly is hosting Women Speak this Wednesday, April 25 in Orange County, California.

This event will bring together those who have been touched by infertility and will be filled with support, education and inspiration.

Molly has asked me to be a panel member at Women Speak and I am very excited (and more than a little nervous) about sharing my secondary infertility story. When she asked me to be a part of her event, I did not hesitate. I believe the more we talk and share and learn from one another, the better our experience will be. If my story, my voice helps just one other women who is suffering with infertility then I’ll be happy.  

Infertility is nothing to be ashamed of.

Click on image for more information.

If you live in Orange County and are suffering with infertility or know someone that is, I encourage you to attend this important event.

Infertility causes stress, sadness, frustration and loss for many couples. If you and your spouse are facing this condition, please learn all you can through reputable resources and organizations, such as RESOLVE, the National Infertility Association and attain the support you need to make the best decisions for you and your family.

Trust me when I tell you, you are not alone.

You are among friends.

A version of this post is also on Smart Mom Style today.

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Filed Under: inspiration, IVF, miscarriage, Smart Mom Style Tagged With: infertility, infertility awareness week, IVF, miscarriage, secondary infertility, Smart Mom Style, Women Speak

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