life

The Facts Of Life

Posted on April 9, 2016 Written by Tonya

I haven’t blogged all year.

There have been 100 days in 2016 and I haven’t posted a single thing.

Until today.

I write to process and over the last two weeks there has just been too much.

So today I have to write.

On March 29 my good friend, Shane, from both high school and college, found out that his seven year old son, Hollis has DIPG (Diffuse Intrinsic Pontine Glioma), an inoperable and incurable cancer. Shane is one of the nicest people I have ever met and his family does not deserve this.

No family does.

The Doherty family faith is unwavering and their support system immense. If there is a God, I hope he’s listening to the thousands of family and friends praying for this precious little boy.

To learn more about this amazing family, watch this from Fox 10 Phoenix: Valley boy battles rare form of brain Cancer.

I created this simple graphic using the app A Beautiful Mess and it warms my heart to see it all over Facebook.

Three days later one of Todd’s former colleagues lost her long battle to cancer.

We then discovered my dear father-in-law was hospitalized while vacationing in China with an pneumonia. Luckily, he made it home safely yesterday, but as we waited for news from around the world as to whether or not his team of doctors were going to allow him to travel, we heard my sister’s fiancé’s mother’s cancer is back. She has a grueling treatment ahead of her.

The next day we learned the sad news that another friend’s father had died.

Death and illness are all part of life, I get that but we have had our fair share of bad news lately and when it keeps coming day in and day out, it’s difficult for me to wrap my head around each blow.

It’s cruel.

When bad things happen it forces me to stop and take inventory and appreciate all the goodness in my life. And to be fair, there was a lot of goodness in the last two weeks too.

My brave friend, Anna gave birth to a beautiful baby boy, Andrew Luke! Her story is absolutely incredible and this baby is already so loved. Back in September, 2014, I shared a review of her book, Rare Bird here: Loss is Loss is Loss.

After months and months of planning, my sweet friend and now business partner (!), Nichole and I launched our social media consulting business, Take Flight. We are over the moon and can’t wait to see where this new venture takes us. We already have three clients and two proposals in the works!

Despite a lot of together time and several rainy days stuck indoors, we survived Spring Break and a quick sun-filled get-away to Palm Springs! Nothing makes me happier than seeing this boy smile and he knows exactly how to make me put just about everything into perspective.

Spring Break 2016 Day 5/9 – La Quinta

I suppose, you take the good, you take the bad, right?

Even More Things I Know For Sure – NaBloPoMo

Posted on November 17, 2015 Written by Tonya

Turns out at 43 I know some stuff.

Not a lot of stuff but enough.

I’ve shared before: 13 Things I Know For Sure and 13 More Things I Know For Sure.

For those of your keeping track, I’m up to 39 things I know for sure, as in without a doubt, I’d bet my next paycheck on it certainty.

Here again, is a list of 13 more things I know for for

1. People drive through our neighborhood too fast.

2. People drive too fast in general. Last May I got a speeding ticket, my first in years and I paid dearly for it. I’ve tried to slow ever since.

3. There are few things like reveling in the fact that all the laundry is done. I live for those five minutes each week!

4. All neighborhoods should have sidewalks.

5. Any time I step foot in Target I will spend $100.00. Even if I just go for one or two items. I know I’m not alone in this phenomenon.

6. Any time I step foot in a store that has carts and I think that basket will do I’m wrong!

7. If you give a child a napkin and they will find anything else inappropriate to use instead.

8. Inevitably a playdate will fall on the day after the housekeeper has come.

9. 5 to 7 days after we’ve been at a bounce house (or any public venue) birthday party, Lucas’s nose will start running like a faucet and within 48 hours his sister’s will too. But I will will be the one down for the count for at least two days! Good times.

10. As soon as the dishwasher in my house is emptied, it’s full again.

11. Lucas will try a new food at someone else’s house and love it, but the minute I serve it to him in our home, he won’t eat it.

12. My children truly have no idea how much they are loved. There is just no way.

13. Every day brings a chance to start over, a clean slate, a new beginning. And thank God for it!

What do you know for sure?

13 More Things I Know For Sure

Posted on January 19, 2015 Written by Tonya

Call it Murphy’s Law, women’s intuition, or just knowing myself and those around me really well, there are certain things that as a 42 and a half year old woman I have come to learn and know to be without a doubt true.

Here are 13 more things I know for sure:

1. As soon as I warn my five-year-old that his elbow is dangerously close to a cup of milk, he will knock it over.

2. Just as I am are ready to leave the house, my toddler will have a gigantic poop! This will not only be frustrating, but make me later to wherever it was I was suppose to be five minutes ago.

3. It’s always better to call than e-mail or text.

4. I will always leave my son’s classroom after volunteering my time with a smile on my face and a renewed sense of wonder and imagination.

5. I have to exercise daily for my sanity and those around me.

6. The day before I have a manicure scheduled I will break three fingernails.

7. If I plan to take my toddler to said manicure during her scheduled nap time, she will not sleep.

8. The game or toy or book or article of clothing or concert or fill in the blank that I am most looking forward to will be back ordered, out of stock or sold out, but if karma is on my side, I’ll find it at Target.

9. Being a mother is the hardest job on earth. Hands down.

10. The minute I think, “Gee, I haven’t been sick in a while,” I will feel a tickle in my throat and be sore from head to toe.

11. What works in your house may not work in mine and vice versa and that’s okay.

12. I know that change is inevitable and I’m much better off adjusting than struggling to keep things the way they are.

13. I know that life is a roller coaster and all I can do some days is hold on and enjoy the ride and or scream my head off!

For my previous 13 Things I Know For Sure, click here. And if you’re keeping track, that 26 now. Go me!

What do you know for sure?

In A Nutshell

Posted on August 27, 2014 Written by Tonya

Lucas and I had a blast in Chicago and I will share more about our first annual mother/son trip, including photos soon, but first I want to acknowledge my FIVE year blogiversary! Just under the wire, I might add as it’s almost midnight on the West Coast.

I posted the following photo on my Facebook fan page because I didn’t think I would be able to write a post and wanted to recognize this day in some way and I received a comment with the exact message that I needed to read today.

The note is from a new friend and Letters For Lucas reader, Darya and says:

The first words I ever said to you was at the GLOLunch and I told you how happy and relieved I was to have you ask the question regarding time to blog posts vs your new life–what to do? I may be new to blogging, but I am kinda old to mothering and woman-ing, and I can promise you that the blog will wait, your babies will not. Keep on keeping on, Momma and we will all be here when life circles back around. Congratulations! And when it comes to blogging, you are already at the place where I want to be.

Thank you, Darya. Thank you for your wise words and understanding.

The last couple of months have been both challenging and busy with summer camps, karate, swim lessons, play dates, trips, concerts, a traveling husband and a lot of laundry! At one point today I looked at my coffee table and captured this shot:

My life in a nutshell.

This is my life in a nutshell these days… A dirty diaper, a bottle, a fearless and delicious baby, Lego, struggles over activity books vs. screen time, endless rounds of Connect 4 and Spot It, which if you aren’t playing with your 5-10 year old, you should be, remnants of snacks and counting down to Kindergarten!

The only thing missing from this photo besides my best buddy Lucas of course, is my daily intake of caffeine. In a moment of mothering weakness, I called my husband at work and asked for help. I needed some relief, so a few hours later, he rescheduled a meeting, came home early and took Lucas skateboarding.

This is motherhood.

This is mothering.

This leaves little time for blogging.

And I’m okay with that.

Here’s to five years, but more than that, here’s to mothering!

A Good Cry

Posted on July 17, 2014 Written by Tonya

Have you ever had one of those days (or weeks) when nothing is really wrong yet nothing is really right?

It’s hard to describe.

You continue to go through the motions and you’re content and things throughout the day make you smile, but there’s still a pit in your stomach, a lump in your throat.

You feel… off.

You have a lot on your mind and it’s weighing heavy on your heart. The words aren’t there, just the feelings and your thoughts range from everything will be okay to it’s so awful.

Maybe it’s a lack of sleep or an overwhelming to do list, feeling misunderstood and under appreciated, a devastating news story you read about, a child that refuses to stay little, a friend that has disappointed you forcing you to see them in a whole new light, being the recipient of a kind and generous gesture, worried about another friend’s health prognosis and overall well being, learning that a family member has died, a combination of all of the above.

Whatever it is, you’re on the verge of tears.

Stress eating and a shopping spree don’t help, nor does wine or a long walk. That’s when you know it’s really bad.

Suddenly and mercifully, when you least expect it, you let it go.

All of it.

Unprompted by a song on the radio or a Kleenex commercial on TV, you cry.

A good cry.

A healing cry.

Release.

Clarity.

When was the last time you had a good cry?

Close

Posted on July 2, 2014 Written by Tonya

I love my neighborhood; it’s quiet, safe, close to the freeway, airport, my husband’s work, Lucas’s school, numerous parks, the kid’s pediatrician, a library and countless other things we love to do. But my favorite thing about my neighborhood is that our house is only 1.50 miles from a major street that I can walk to with Lola in tow and complete errands!

Monday, I went to the bank, met a friend for lunch, bought Lola some teething tablets at Sprouts (a natural food store), Sharpies at Staples and Fourth of July goodies. Oh, and I got my Starbucks fix.

I love it when things are close.

What do you love most about where you live?

I don’t know if anyone does Wordless Wednesdays anymore, but this is my offering this week.

Explaining Homelessness To A Five-Year-Old

Posted on July 1, 2014 Written by Tonya

Wouldn’t it be extraordinary if we could shield our children from the ugliness of the world, protect them from the real bad guys, drugs, poverty, racial insensitivity, discrimination and despair, but we can’t. Try as we might, it exists.

Sometimes it’s standing on the corner of a neighborhood you frequent, staring you right in the eye, daring you to face it is as a parent, forcing you to look at it through your child’s eyes, imploring you to make better choices, to make a difference.

We saw a young woman this past weekend on the corner as we were entering the freeway, she was young, maybe mid-20s. She was holding a sign that said something like: Homeless. Need help – anything you can offer. God bless you.

We kept driving and as we did, Lucas asked what the woman was doing. He wanted to know why she was standing there and wanted to know what her sign said. We explained to her that she had no home and needed help.

You mean she has nowhere to live?

Why doesn’t she just go to the hotel and stay there?

We explained that hotels are expensive and she probably can’t afford to stay there, especially if she’s out on the street asking for money.

Why doesn’t she get a job and then she’ll have money and then she can stay at the hotel and then she won’t be homeless anymore?

We told him that there are many reasons why people are homeless; she may be trying to get a job but she can’t make enough money to stay at a hotel. She probably needs money to just eat.

If she gets a job she’ll have money and then she can eat and stay at the hotel.

We told him there could be many reasons why she can’t find a job, maybe she doesn’t have an education, maybe she’s on a lot of medications (in lieu of getting into what drugs are) that impair her brain so it isn’t working properly. We assured him that it was okay to feel sad for her and her situation.

What will she do when she does get money?

Trying to remain positive, we told him she would most likely get something to eat or find an inexpensive place to stay, like a shelter.

This went back-and-forth a little bit longer and then all of a sudden as if he realized that the concepts we were so delicately trying to explain were too hard for him to comprehend at this young age, he suggested we should talk about something else.

This isn’t the first time this has happened. Lucas is very astute and whether he realizes it or not, in many cases we answer his questions as simplistically as we can and let him dictate where the conversation goes and how it ends.

A day later, out of the blue Lucas asked me if we had money. I said yes, we have enough money to buy the things we need and some extras from time to time and then asked why he was asking. He said that seeing the woman by the freeway had made him sad and that if we have money we should have given her some. I told him that we could have bought her lunch but by giving her money she may not spend it in a way that would help her. This was way over his head. To him, she needed money and she needed a place to stay and money is the way to obtain those things. All that came out of his sweet five-year old mouth was a quiet “oh”.

How do you explain a topic so big and abstract as homelessness to young children?

How do you become part of the solution and not the problem?

How do you tell your child that you can’t hand out money to every person asking for it?

The Story Behind The Post

Posted on June 16, 2014 Written by Tonya

In case you haven’t noticed, I’m really into social media, I have a Facebook account, I tweet, share photos on Instagram and spend an exorbitant amount of time on Pinterest. I’m active and post a lot.

Two weeks ago, I was trying to get dressed, pack for a weekend out of town, and get to Lucas’s preschool by noon to pick him up early. Lola wasn’t interested in letting me do any of those things. You know how four-month olds can be. She wasn’t fussy and didn’t need anything in particular, she just seemed… bored.

After having fed her, changed her and played with her for a while, I laid her on my bed with her favorite gauzy blanket and a soft book that she enjoys chewing and as I stepped into the shower and looked over at her, I noticed that she was on her belly with an erect head watching the Today Show. I snapped a photo. I added a filter to the photo and instantly fell in love with it. I love the contrast of dark vs. light on our bed spread, I love that the TV is out of view but the remote is plainly in sight and I love how tiny she looks on our gigantic bed.

I posted this photo and status to Facebook:

At dinner the following evening, my husband, an inactive Facebook user, admitted to not having read any of the comments left on the photo, had this to say to me: “I didn’t like the careless nature of your recent Facebook post.” He wasn’t trying to start an argument and went on to explain that he knew what I was going through that morning and we’ve all been there, sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do, but doesn’t see the “need to be proud of our bad choices.” In other words, only share the good stuff.

Huh?

First I was surprised that he’d even seen it and secondly I felt attacked by his comments and was quick to justify my decision both about why I posted the photo and my comment and my parenting skills. I wasn’t trying to be defiant or controversial and I certainly wasn’t looking for approval for my actions nor a discussion about what age children should be allowed to watch television, I know our daughter is too young. Plus, I’m only human and very flawed and I can share that and be okay with it.

After we went back and forth a bit and I was able to step down off my high horse, we had a very interesting discussion about social media and I’m still thinking about it two weeks later, in particular: why do we post what we post? Or more importantly, why do I post what I post?

I post because I’m crazy lucky, think my children are darling, I’m very proud of them, love the funny and insightful things Lucas says and believe others will too, feel like every now and then I take a half decent photo (like the one above) and I like to keep family and friends near and far up to date on my little family and our lives.

Sometimes, I’ll post something simply for that “me too” factor, which was definitely the case here because I knew other moms would identify. I love it when people empathize, sympathize, agree or disagree or teach me a different perspective.

I’m not special, just a stay-at-home mom doing the best I can, trying to balance two kids, find time for myself, my marriage and family and friends. I love to travel, read, exercise and dine out. Preferably with wine and interesting company. I believe my posts reflect all of the above.

I’ll never bitch about my kids or that summer is too long or count down the days until they go back to school or that they are driving me bat shit crazy, but you better believe they do. I don’t like downer posts or complaining, but I’m not above it. I’ll throw myself under the bus. I hate vaguebooking (an intentionally vague Facebook status update, that prompts friends to ask what’s going on, or is possibly a cry for help) and I will never push my politics or religion! Ever. I like posts to be light, funny and cute. I also don’t post things to get “likes” or “shares”, but they are certainly nice.

I post for me.

I might think twice now before posting something because of my husband’s comments, but I doubt it. Our conversation did make me think about the image I want to present to the world and I’m okay showing both the good and the bad. And although we might disagree with the nature of my status updates and/or photos I choose to share, we agree on one thing: we are proud of this life from any angle.

If you are active on social media, why do you post what you do? Do you think through the ramifications if any before posting something?

Hold On My Heart

Posted on July 22, 2013 Written by Tonya

Hold on my heart

We can do this.

There have been high expectations.

We have fought the good fight. Repeatedly.

We’ve lost. Repeatedly.

Just hold on to that feeling

You have been cracked wide open, turned inside out and put back together again.

You have been brought to your knees with grief.

You have willed yourself to get out of bed in the morning; to just keep it together.

We both know we’ve been here before

The fortress is sky high around you.

But, I have to protect you.

Or do I?

Clam up, push, walk away, avoid confrontation; anything to prevent truly exploring the feelings.

I don’t want to talk about it.

I need to keep it safe, bottled up.

We both know what can happen

And where has it got me, all this careful protection?

Guarding my heart and closing up tight does not shield me from being hurt. In fact, it does just the opposite.

There is no way to insulate from pain.

Hold on my heart

Pain is a regular part of life and if we love deeply and move through our life with conviction, determination and passion, we can be hurt deeply.

It’s a risk.

Throw me a lifeline

But a good one to take.

I can do this.

It’s going to be a bumpy ride, but I can definitely do this.

Hold On My Heart lyrics by Michael Rutherford, Phil Collins, and Tony Banks.

If You Had Told Me 10 Years Ago…

Posted on June 24, 2013 Written by Tonya

If you had told me 10 years ago that…

I wouldn’t have a full time job, but would be getting paid to write,

both my parents would be dead and it would take me the better part of five years to sell their house,

I’d be the mother to a four year old,

I’d be battling secondary infertility and sharing my story in my own column,

I would consider going to the grocery store alone a mini vacation,

my family would be living in an apartment,

we’d own a dog,

my sister would live less than an hour away,

I’d be walking on average 600 miles a year (usually with the dog),

I’d be playing more games of Words With Friends than reading,

my closest friends would (thank God) remain the same,

and I’d be blogging,

I would have grabbed the closest chair or wall to steady myself and then told you were absolutely nuts!

It’s true, my life has been a combination of crazy, wonderful, sad and magical. I have experienced the highest of highs and the lowest of lows over the last 10 years and in all honesty, I wouldn’t change a single thing.

Do you live with regrets?

The Facts Of Life

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In A Nutshell

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A Good Cry

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Close

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Explaining Homelessness To A Five-Year-Old

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