worry

My Candidate

Posted on November 9, 2016 Written by Tonya

It is the day after the 2016 Presidential election and I am sad, shocked, confused, and very worried for our country.

I know I’m not alone.

The candidate I voted for, researched, supported, donated money to, believed in and admired did not win.

My candidate is tough as nails.

My candidate has withstood a constant barrage of hatred, vilification, smears, and mudslinging for 25 years. Republicans blame her for everything!

I was able to look past my candidate’s flaws and scandals. I saw a person who has spent much of her life fighting for causes that are important to me; family values, children, education and equality for ALL, especially women and minorities. She has been a champion for advancing equal opportunities for women and girls in America and around the globe, calling women’s empowerment “one of the great causes of my life.”.

This is who I want in the White House. Electing our first woman president would be an important step to ending gender inequality. And now that I am the mother of a daughter, this is imperative.

More than ever.

This country is so full of hate.

I still believe.

My candidate impressed me with her intellect, judgment, and compassion. We all know the mess she endured because of her husband’s infidelities. That was not her doing. She tried to protect her family as best she could and in the end, perhaps having her own political agenda and dreams of leading our nation from the Oval Office, stood by her man.

I took Lola with me yesterday when I went to vote bright and early and snapped a photo outside my polling location, an elementary school within walking distance of our home. Elated to finally see a woman’s name on the ballot, I proudly voted for my candidate with my daughter at my side.

I was not expecting to be emotional but I cried anyway.

I cried tears of joy because I thought we had come so far and not since Barack Obama have I cared this much about politics.

I voted for Obama in 2008 while pregnant with Lucas and rejoiced at his win while at a Madonna concert at Petco Park. That was a magical night.

Watching Decision 2016 unfold on NBC as polls closed across the country I was thrilled to see the many blue states light up. I thought my candidate had it in the bag.

I was wrong.

So many of us were wrong.

Today I believe more than half of our country is made up of ignorant ass hats.

But I digress.

As I try to honor the outcome of the election and make sense of this America we live in, I will continue to teach my children, my sweet innocent children love, kindness and tolerance. I will teach them that ALL lives matter and to use their voice. Loud and often!

Donald Trump is going to be our president.

And as Secretary Hillary Clinton said this morning in her concession speech, “we owe him an open mind and the chance to lead”.

This is really happening.

And it will be interesting to say the very least.

——————————————————

The following is from The Huffington Post article, America Elected A Man Who Said ‘Grab Them By The P***y’ Over The First Female President:

Donald Trump openly bragged about using his celebrity status to sexually assault women. And multiple women accused him of actually doing so.

He said he was in favor of banning people from entering the United States based on their religion.

He believes that women he finds physically unattractive or overweight are lesser people.

He thinks that many Mexican immigrants are rapists.

He mocked people with disabilities.

He encouraged violence against protesters at his political rallies.

Back To School

Posted on August 30, 2015 Written by Tonya

As I carefully cut price tags off shorts and hang collared shirts both one size bigger than last year, my mind is flooded with thoughts and my heart starts to ache.

I think about what a fun summer we’ve had and how I’d like a little more. A little more time with Lucas. Just Lucas.

I think about how much my boy has grown in the last three months and what an awesome child he is. He’s funny and smart, curious about everything, a great reader and super big brother.

I think about first grade and how on earth this happen so quickly. I think about all of his first days of school so far. There have been four. Starting in 2011, Lucas went to preschool two mornings a week, then three, followed by three full days a week, then four and then came Kindergarten.

I think of all that I hope this school year will be for my son.

It is his second year in what still feels like a new school to me. He, on the other hand, fits right in and I love how his eyes light up whenever he talks about it.

I hope first grade is kind to him. I hope he is kind too. To everyone!

I hope he does his best, makes new friends, learns a ton and knows that I’ll be thinking about him every day.

I run my fingers along the crisp new shirts as they hang side-by-side in the closet, no longer on baby hangers and I weep.

No Longer A Rookie

Posted on May 21, 2015 Written by Tonya

Having battled unexplained secondary infertility for over three years, I know it is completely irresponsible to say this, but anyone who has one child, really should have two.

Not only is a sibling great for teaching communication skills and learning how to share, but it also creates a built-in lifelong friendship and promotes the value of teamwork. I honestly can’t wait until my youngest, Lola is old enough to work together with her brother, Lucas to go head to head with me and my husband. I want them to plan and scheme and support one another always.

Apart from all the sibling benefits, having a second child has made me a better mother to my first.

With four-and-a-half-years between them, I am such a different, more relaxed mother to Lola than I ever was to Lucas.

With Lucas, I was such a rookie! I was anxious and worried most of the time. I tried to stick to a “schedule” as much as I could, consulted charts, tracked development and marked milestones, called his pediatrician A LOT and made sure he ate an all organic diet until he was two years old and there was never dessert. I hovered far too much. Because that’s what you do with your first. I didn’t know any different. I was going crazy trying to be a “good mom”.

With Lola, I’m WAY more at ease. I didn’t have that sense of calm with my first. I give her a lot more freedom and I know that she’s okay. In large part, my comfort is due to the four-and-a-half-years of experience I gained from Lucas. Where I was unsure the first time around, I am loving this confident mom I am becoming. And that ease has transferred to the way I am with Lucas. I’m not as rigid with him as I used to be.

I still have anxiety and worries but knowing ~~sort of~~ what to expect is so comforting, especially in these early stages. Lola is only 15 months old.

Lucas was my whole world for so long and received a lot of undivided attention before his little sister was born and I was fearful that Lola wouldn’t benefit from that, but because of the age gap, Lucas is in school five days a week for 5+ hours per day and has activities beyond that leaving Lola and I lots of bonding time. Sometimes Lucas is actually the one to get the shaft now that Lola is so young and still depends on me for all of her needs. That makes me sad, but I know it won’t also be this way. She’s growing more independent every day.

Even though my children are different from one another and I try to keep the comparisons at bay, I know that there are many obstacles ahead of us and mothering traits I haven’t even begun to tap into, I’m just happy not to be a rookie mom anymore. I’m happy to have found some self-assurance and I can only hope that both my children are benefiting from it!

Of course, ask me tomorrow and I’ll probably be pulling my hair out feeling anything but confident.

Flawless

Posted on August 18, 2014 Written by Tonya

My six-month old crawls around my bathroom floor or sits in her bouncy seat as I shower, dress and get ready for the day.

I wonder what she’s thinking as I stand in front of the mirror primping and editing, grimacing at my reflection.

She tracks every movement I make completely mesmerized.

I painstakingly dry and then flatten my curly hair straight, cursing the thickness and amount.

She’s focused.

I carefully pluck stray gray hairs from my head and then tweeze my eyebrows.

She stares in awe.

I apply body lotion and eye cream.

Her gaze is wide and bright.

I examine my face with a magnification mirror, picking and squeezing at tiny black heads.

Each of my actions provide a mystery for her to solve.

I scrutinize my midsection and wonder if I’ll always have 5-10 pounds to lose.

Her curious eyes taking it all in.

This little girl is always watching and listening to what I say and do. What messages do I want her to see? What do I want her to hear? It will be years before she has to worry about any of this, but I think about it almost daily. How will I explain my own vanity to my daughter?

I’ll be honest about the work that can go into attaining feminine beauty and the pressures that are placed on even those who work at it the hardest. I’ll explain that these “pressures” are often self inflicted because of what our society says is beautiful.

I will tell her no matter how she views herself or how she thinks others are, that she is flawless.

I will stress that beauty comes from the inside no matter how many lotions and potions she uses and that less is often more.

I will try to convey that to feel beautiful and confident and accepting of herself is the key to longevity.

And I know she’ll believe me, just as soon as I do.

A Good Cry

Posted on July 17, 2014 Written by Tonya

Have you ever had one of those days (or weeks) when nothing is really wrong yet nothing is really right?

It’s hard to describe.

You continue to go through the motions and you’re content and things throughout the day make you smile, but there’s still a pit in your stomach, a lump in your throat.

You feel… off.

You have a lot on your mind and it’s weighing heavy on your heart. The words aren’t there, just the feelings and your thoughts range from everything will be okay to it’s so awful.

Maybe it’s a lack of sleep or an overwhelming to do list, feeling misunderstood and under appreciated, a devastating news story you read about, a child that refuses to stay little, a friend that has disappointed you forcing you to see them in a whole new light, being the recipient of a kind and generous gesture, worried about another friend’s health prognosis and overall well being, learning that a family member has died, a combination of all of the above.

Whatever it is, you’re on the verge of tears.

Stress eating and a shopping spree don’t help, nor does wine or a long walk. That’s when you know it’s really bad.

Suddenly and mercifully, when you least expect it, you let it go.

All of it.

Unprompted by a song on the radio or a Kleenex commercial on TV, you cry.

A good cry.

A healing cry.

Release.

Clarity.

When was the last time you had a good cry?

After The Ground Shakes

Posted on March 29, 2014 Written by Tonya

It was shortly after 9 PM when a magnitude 5.1 earthquake centered at La Habra near Los Angeles rolled Southern California Friday night.

My husband was out for the evening, Lola was asleep in her bassinet in our room and I had left Lucas to look at books on his own 45 minutes earlier and knew he had to be asleep. I was enjoying a quiet minute and contemplating taking a shower.

All of a sudden the house started to shake. I panicked for a split second and then made my way to our walk-in closet for some reason. All the clothes on the hangers were swaying. I had never seen anything like that before and it was very creepy. I was nervous because I couldn’t remember what to do in case of an earthquake… Do I stand in a door way, crawl under the bed, what about the kids, why don’t we have an earthquake kit? Ugh, of all the nights for Todd to be out.

The jolt lasted a good 10 seconds.

Which is a long time if you think about it.

I texted Todd and he called me back right away, having been driving he didn’t feel a thing. As I talked to him, I walked down the hall to Lucas’s room.

I found him trembling knees to chest on his bed. What was that, he asked. Trying to remain calm I told him it was an earthquake. He said he thought the dog had been under his bed and then he asked if Lola was okay. How sweet is he? I asked him if he was scared and admitted that I was too. The house isn’t suppose to move like that!

I brought him into my room and turned on the TV (big mistake!!). We were both glued to news coverage for the next half hour, which prompted a lot of questions, especially when it was reported that Disneyland had shut down rides due to the quake. This is standard protocol for the Anaheim theme park, which is less than 10 miles from La Habra. Once the news coverage started to loop, I turned the TV off.

Lucas was then concerned about where daddy was because “it’s better when there are two parents”. He is so right! Todd arrived home safely and we all snuggled in our bed together. Lola soon joined us.

Lucas slept in our room with us but his questions continued until well after 11. He repeated over and over how glad he was that nothing broke or fell in our house with the exception of my shaving cream can in the shower. He kept getting tornadoes like the one in “Wizard of Oz” and earthquakes mixed up. He wanted us to leave lamps on and for the sun to come up because “everything is better in the light”. We tried to assure him that everything was okay and that if he didn’t want to close his eyes, he at least had to rest. Easier said than done when you are four years old and you have just experienced the earth moving for the first time.

I remember my first earthquake. It was in Palm Springs, the summer of 1986. A 5.9 magnitude, so considerably larger than last nights; and pictures did fall off the walls, windows broke and I was petrified. I was 14, 10 years older than my son is now. I’ve experienced several since then but it has been a while and they are always jarring.

Apart from all being a little tired today, the earthquake talk has stalled for now. I have found a couple of helpful You Tube videos to show Lucas if and when it comes up again. Todd and I have the makings of an earthquake/disaster kit and now know without a doubt the proper safety precautions :: DROP! COVER! HOLD ON! :: should it happen again, and living in Southern California, chances are good it will!

Tectonic plate action is confusing for adults, so how do we explain it to children?

Shaking That Feeling: What Infertility Struggles Do To You

Posted on September 20, 2013 Written by Tonya

At one point I had four doctors.

Recently having “graduated” from the fertility clinic I have been at for over three years, I now only have three.

Since day one all of them have assured me that what I’m feeling is natural, especially given my history.

They tell me everything looks great and right on track.

I’m having a hard time believing them.

Even though I’ve seen the black-and-white images of a tiny human doing somersaults with my own eyes.

Even though I’ve studied the positive test results and measurements.

Even though I’ve heard the sweet sound of a rapid heartbeat.

Even though….

There is no doubt that I am being carefully monitored and yet, I’m still fighting to shake this sinking feeling.

Fighting to relax.

Fighting to carry this baby to full term.

Fighting to fully embrace this pregnancy.

Fighting to push the negativity out of my head and forcing myself to expect the best instead of the worst.

If I have learned anything through my struggle to get here, it’s that I have ZERO control, a devastating set back can happen at any moment and it’s better to protect yourself. That’s what infertility does to you. It forces you to keep on your toes, read into every twinge, keep your doctors all on speed dial and anticipate gloom.

So I will continue to fight and protect myself until this baby is safely in my arms.

For me making it successfully past the half way point is cause for [cautious] celebration, or in my case, compiling a short list of potential names, considering shower dates, preregistering at the hospital where I plan to deliver and browsing through a baby boutique where I allowed myself to purchase a pack of onesies.

Telling Lucas

Posted on September 16, 2013 Written by Tonya

I promise all of my posts will not be about be about being pregnant from now on, but this is one I had to write…

It was a conversation I wasn’t ready to have.

It was news I didn’t want to reveal for another few weeks.

I wanted to wait as long as possible… just in case. Anything could go wrong and how would we explain that?

It was going to forever change everything. For him and for our family.

Upon hearing our news, I imagined Lucas never looking at me in the same way again, full innocence and pure love.

I could almost envision him staring back at me/us with a look of horror in his eyes as if to ask, “how could you do this, we had such a good thing going?!”.

Telling Lucas that I was expecting a baby brought me so much anxiety I cried several times leading up to the dreaded conversation.

I researched recommended ways to tell your child you are expecting on the Internet and read them out loud to my husband. We took mental notes and practiced our dialogue. I sought advice from trusted friends and spoke to our pediatrician for her professional opinion.

No matter what his reaction, the bottom line was: we just had to do it. It was time.

Keep it simple, straightforward, upbeat and very positive.

I could do that.

Then why did the mere thought of sharing our news with our son, our first born and special boy make me break down in tears? Why did it instill such fear?

As much as I want a baby, a sibling for my son, I don’t want Lucas’ world to change and I don’t ever want him to think that Mommy and Daddy don’t have enough love for two children or more.

Over dinner, at 14 weeks 4 days we told Lucas that we some exciting family news, that he was going to be a big brother and his response was nothing like what I expected: “That’s awesome!” he exclaimed and then followed it up with lots of questions about how big my belly will get and if the baby is a boy or a girl, what the baby is doing right now, how big is the baby, when will the baby come out, and how will the baby come out. Admittedly some answers came easier than others. It was the best dinner conversation our family has ever had!

Lucas isn’t thinking any of the things I’d been fearing. I know he will eventually, but right now he’s too busy being overjoyed at the thought of being a big brother, making sure I’m eating healthy fruits and vegetables and kissing my belly.

It’s amazing how immediate love is.

Limbo

Posted on April 5, 2013 Written by Tonya

I’m in that place.

That place between here and there.

That place where tension headaches live day after day.

That place that leaves you tossing and turning night after night.

That place where the thoughts in your head are way louder than they should ever be.

I’m stuck in a state of being lost and confused, anxious and disconnected.

That place where smiles are few and far between.

That place where you function as if on autopilot, just drifting through your life.

That place where there are too many unknowns and uncertainties, unsure whether I’m coming or going, unsettled.

It’s as though I’m living half a life with one foot firmly planted in joy and hope for a bright full future and one cemented in chaos, tough decisions, worry and tears. I’m split right down the middle and quartered into sections.

That place? It’s not a good place.

Limbo sucks.

Sharing My Story

Posted on November 25, 2012 Written by Tonya

When I first saw the request for help, I ignored it.

Then my sister saw it and brought it to my attention again.

She said it might be healing to participate.

I hesitated, knowing full well she was right.

Then a close friend encouraged me to share my knowledge, claiming I might be able to help others.

Really?

Me?

Knowledgeable?

I thought, who is going to care what I have to say and why would I share the intimate details of one of the most difficult ordeals I have ever experienced? How can what I’ve been through possibly help others?

After much consideration I decided why not?

Even if I reach only one single person, one mother who is longing to be pregnant one more time, something I share might resonate with her.

Why wouldn’t I tell my story?

Why wouldn’t I offer what little knowledge I have to help ease her mind and let her know she is not alone.

And in the process and especially now, having seen the final piece, I am feeling empowered and slightly braver than usual.

Thank you, Sheelagh for giving me this opportunity and more importantly, the time I needed to gather my thoughts and express myself as openly as I wanted.

If you are struggling with secondary infertility or know someone that is, please read and share Sheelagh Daly’s article, Secondary infertility: What you should know on SheKnows Canada.

My Candidate

Related Posts:

Back To School

Related Posts:

No Longer A Rookie

Related Posts:

Flawless

Related Posts:

A Good Cry

Related Posts:

After The Ground Shakes

Related Posts:

Shaking That Feeling: What Infertility Struggles Do To You

Related Posts:

Telling Lucas

Related Posts:

Limbo

Related Posts:

Sharing My Story

Related Posts:

Related Posts:

Related Posts:

Related Posts:

Related Posts:

Related Posts:

Related Posts:

Related Posts:

Related Posts:

Related Posts:

Related Posts:

What I Write About