controversial topics

My Candidate

Posted on November 9, 2016 Written by Tonya

It is the day after the 2016 Presidential election and I am sad, shocked, confused, and very worried for our country.

I know I’m not alone.

The candidate I voted for, researched, supported, donated money to, believed in and admired did not win.

My candidate is tough as nails.

My candidate has withstood a constant barrage of hatred, vilification, smears, and mudslinging for 25 years. Republicans blame her for everything!

I was able to look past my candidate’s flaws and scandals. I saw a person who has spent much of her life fighting for causes that are important to me; family values, children, education and equality for ALL, especially women and minorities. She has been a champion for advancing equal opportunities for women and girls in America and around the globe, calling women’s empowerment “one of the great causes of my life.”.

This is who I want in the White House. Electing our first woman president would be an important step to ending gender inequality. And now that I am the mother of a daughter, this is imperative.

More than ever.

This country is so full of hate.

I still believe.

My candidate impressed me with her intellect, judgment, and compassion. We all know the mess she endured because of her husband’s infidelities. That was not her doing. She tried to protect her family as best she could and in the end, perhaps having her own political agenda and dreams of leading our nation from the Oval Office, stood by her man.

I took Lola with me yesterday when I went to vote bright and early and snapped a photo outside my polling location, an elementary school within walking distance of our home. Elated to finally see a woman’s name on the ballot, I proudly voted for my candidate with my daughter at my side.

I was not expecting to be emotional but I cried anyway.

I cried tears of joy because I thought we had come so far and not since Barack Obama have I cared this much about politics.

I voted for Obama in 2008 while pregnant with Lucas and rejoiced at his win while at a Madonna concert at Petco Park. That was a magical night.

Watching Decision 2016 unfold on NBC as polls closed across the country I was thrilled to see the many blue states light up. I thought my candidate had it in the bag.

I was wrong.

So many of us were wrong.

Today I believe more than half of our country is made up of ignorant ass hats.

But I digress.

As I try to honor the outcome of the election and make sense of this America we live in, I will continue to teach my children, my sweet innocent children love, kindness and tolerance. I will teach them that ALL lives matter and to use their voice. Loud and often!

Donald Trump is going to be our president.

And as Secretary Hillary Clinton said this morning in her concession speech, “we owe him an open mind and the chance to lead”.

This is really happening.

And it will be interesting to say the very least.

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The following is from The Huffington Post article, America Elected A Man Who Said ‘Grab Them By The P***y’ Over The First Female President:

Donald Trump openly bragged about using his celebrity status to sexually assault women. And multiple women accused him of actually doing so.

He said he was in favor of banning people from entering the United States based on their religion.

He believes that women he finds physically unattractive or overweight are lesser people.

He thinks that many Mexican immigrants are rapists.

He mocked people with disabilities.

He encouraged violence against protesters at his political rallies.

Frozen: Six Options

Posted on August 16, 2015 Written by Tonya

My six-year-old son doesn’t remember hanging out with me for countless hours in our fertility doctor’s waiting room.

Much more patient than I ever was, I might add.

He doesn’t recall the separate, much smaller waiting area for patients who already have children.

He has no memory of the kind nurses, physician’s assistants, lab technicians, doctors or receptionists who knew him by name, gushed over his long eyelashes and offered him lollipops every time he visited.

He doesn’t recollect his father administering the twice daily shots of progesterone in the fleshy part of my hips or the heparin shots I’d give myself in my belly or the handful of pills I would take as we practiced his counting.

I’m grateful that Lucas doesn’t remember our struggle to give him a sibling, but I do. Just like it was yesterday.

And when he wistfully asks when I am going to have another baby, my heart aches and I am taken aback.

There are also times when it is just the two of us and his little sister is being cared for so we can do “big kid stuff” and he’ll announce unabashedly, “I really love Lola but I am so glad she isn’t with us right now”. Once again, my heart aches and I am taken aback.

It is no secret that our daughter, Lola is an IVF baby.

A miracle baby.

But aren’t they all?

After struggling with secondary infertility for over three years; having six miscarriages, countless failed natural cycles, IUIs and one failed IVF, our second attempt at IVF worked!

Of the five eggs retrieved, three fertilized but only two were good after PGD (pre-implantation genetic diagnosis).

A boy and a girl.

The girl became Lola.

The other embryo is still frozen.

Typically two embryos are transferred increasing the odds of conception or attaching to the uterine wall, but in my case, my fertility doctor’s statistics were better with patients with my history and age to only transfer one embryo.

All it takes is one!

Thinking pessimistically, I thought we would fail again and try to use the second one right away, but instead we succeeded!

We were lucky.

And now we have an embryo on ice.

The boy.

It costs roughly $350 per year to store.

We have six options and please trust that this is a deeply personal decision, a moral and ethical decision and there is so much more to each and every one of these options than what I have shared here. It is weighting heavily on my mind and heart and so I write about it. Because that is what works for me.

I’m also not looking for advice or a solution.

It will come to us, my husband and I.

In time.

Throughout this process, I realize that the further away from my fertility struggle I get, it is still there, front and center, ready for access.

Six Options:

1. Transfer. It works and we go from a family of four to a family of five. Of course, I just turned 43 and my husband is already 43 and our family feels perfect just the way it is. This option also involves a heavy dose of fertility medications and doctors visits throughout the pregnancy. Due to my age, I’m already considered high-risk and given my struggles in the past, I will see a perinatologist beginning at 12 weeks, if not sooner. A very small price to pay for an addition to our family, but must be considered nonetheless. Can my body go through all that again? I still have bruises from my pregnancy with Lola, who is a year and a half! Are we naive to think everything will work out as well? And let’s say we make it full term, what would our family of five look like? What if this third child needed additional care of one sort or the other? So many questions.

2. Transfer. It doesn’t work and we grieve the loss and move on the best way we can.

3. Donate. We know the fertility struggle all too well and would love to help a couple or family have a child or another child. Sounds simple enough and completely altruistic, but dealing with the fact that our “son” is out there somewhere could be more than we can bear.

4. Put the embryo up for adoption. Yes, you really can do this, but again see above. Plus, I doubt either of us could ever accept payment for our embryo.

5. Discard. At this moment in time, time option is out of the question. I simply do not have the heart or strength for this. And I probably never will.

6. Store. Continue paying storage fees until the end of time.

Option 6 it is.

For now.

We have decided to table our decision for six months.

According to the National Embryo Donation Center, an estimated 600,000 unused embryos are currently frozen in clinics throughout the country.

Last year, doctors at IVF clinics performed more than 165,000 treatments — more than ever before.

The Birth Plan

Posted on January 3, 2014 Written by Tonya

While I know can’t control anything about my baby’s arrival, I can create a birth plan, the in a perfect world, if the stars are aligned, ideal scenario of how I’d like my baby’s birth to be handled.

Long before I was pregnant with Lucas, I had always wanted a natural un-medicated birth without unnecessary medical or chemical intervention whatsoever and whenever I would express this to family and friends, I would get an eye roll or pat on the shoulder with a condescending, “oh, okay”. I didn’t know anyone who had done this before, although much of my mother’s delivery of my sister had been un-medicated and I figured if she could do it, I could too. Plus, I have a high tolerance for pain and I felt it was what our bodies are designed to do, so why not let them do it?

Upon getting pregnant I did my research, because knowledge is power. I read everything I could get my hands on, watched documentaries, talked to doctors, doulas, midwives and women who had both successful and scary home births and women who had had prolonged hospital labors with and without drugs. I wanted to learn everything I could about positive and negative effects of epidurals, Pitocin, and other drugs and intervention, C-sections and creating the best possible birthing team.

At the end of all my research, I decided that this was a very personal choice and that only I had the power to plan the kind of birth that was right for me. The birth experience is a very personal thing. It’s not for me to say what you should do, but I can tell you what I chose to do.

I chose to hire a doula to help guide me through labor and delivery, labor at home for as long as I could, but deliver at the hospital and completely without drugs.

Once I made this decision and shared it with anyone who asked, the “oh, okay’s” were back and I could tell that no one really believed I could or would go through with it, including my own OB/Gyn!

Guess what? I did it! And yes, it was a pain like I had never experienced before or since and it most certainly did not happen how I had ~~planned~~ hoped; my doula never showed up, my soothing birth day playlist was never played, candles weren’t lit and all breathing and visualization techniques were forgotten, but my labor went extremely fast and by the time we arrived at the hospital I was already 8 centimeters dilated and my water broke on the delivery table. The nursing staff was incredibly supportive and empowered me in just the ways I needed.

I was an active participant in my child’s birth and that was all I cared about. Neither of us were doped up afterwards and within a couple of hours, I could get up and walk around.

Lucas, just hours old.

I hope to have a similar experience with baby #2, but only time will tell…

What kind of delivery did you plan for and what kind did you end up having?

Death

Posted on October 24, 2011 Written by Tonya

People don’t like to discuss death.

In many circles, the topic of death and dying is one of those taboo subjects, right up there with religion and politics, however, when it comes to death, there is no debate. Death is final and it is going to happen to all of us.

Death is the great unknown and thinking about our mortality makes us uncomfortable.

Death presumably can never affect us in a good way.

Death represents loss; loss of a loved one, loss of everything that we know.

Death is equated with fear; fear of losing someone and fear of how it will happen to us when it’s our time.

Death is a mystery and makes us question the unimaginable:

Will I go quickly?

Will I be in pain?

Will I see a white light?

Will I have done and said everything I need to when my time is up?

What kind of legacy am I leaving behind?

Will I go to heaven?

Will I ever see my loved ones again?

Will anyone attend my funeral?

How will I be remembered?

Trust me, death is far more than Elisabeth Kübler- Ross’ Five Stages of Grief.

I am convinced that if we talked about death more, if it wasn’t such an off limits subject, it wouldn’t be so scary or hard to face.

Having lost my parents at such a young age, theirs (60 and 58 respectively) and mine (35) and serving as the executor of their estate, I implore you to think about your wishes after you die and discuss them with your loved ones.

Openly.

Candidly.

Luckily, my parents did have a Will, but it had been created 28 years before they died and there were a lot of blanks and unanswered questions. With the help of many people I trusted, their estate is now closed, but it took the better part of three years.

Imagine my shock when I discovered on my father’s last “To Do” list a line item that read: Update Will. He thought he’d have time to revise it.

I also encourage you to talk to your aging parents and/or grandparents about their Last Will and Testaments in addition to their material possessions.

When my sister and I cleaned out my parents home, we separated the things we wanted from the things to be donated and the things to be sold through an estate sale, and still filled a 4′ x 30′ dumpster to the very top with junk. 16 years of paper mostly. My parents it seems were pack rats.

Death is no fun, but it is inevitable and the sooner we stop tip toeing around it, the better.

SAHM

Posted on May 31, 2011 Written by Tonya

The other day, I read (and re-tweeted) two lists: 10 Things Never to Say to a Stay-at-Home Mom and 10 Things Never to Say to a Working Mom and both lists got me thinking about my SAHM role.

It’s been almost two years since I became a stay-at-home mom and honestly, I’m still getting used to it.

Sure, I have somewhat of a schedule: music class on Mondays, tumble class on Wednesdays, nanny help for a few hours on Tuesdays and Thursdays and a free-for-all Friday. No matter what, we get out of the house. For my sanity, just as much as Lucas’.

I like to say I’m a stay-at-home mom, that does anything but stay at home.

Apart from the classes, we have passes to Legoland, Disneyland and the zoo. There are also weekly visits to parks, libraries, toy stores, pet stores, book stores and Daddy’s office. When we’re not out and about, we’ve got a host of in-door activities, but if given the option, I’d rather be out! At home, there’s the Internet, TV, laundry and other chores. Plus, some days it feels like the walls are coming in on us.

If I was stuck inside all day every day, I would certainly lose my mind. So while I don’t have meetings to attend or a closet full of suits to wear anymore, I plan, I schedule, I organize, I manage, I orchestrate, I clean, I cook (sort of), I live for nap time, me time and date nights all while staying at home. Whatever that means…

Slowly but surely, I’m learning to embrace being a SAHM, but I’d be lying if I said that didn’t spend a lot of time day dreaming about returning to work full time.

On one hand, I can’t imagine having anyone else spend as much time with Lucas as I get to or allowing them to be such an active participate in his growth and development. I do realize how lucky I am that I am his primary care giver, but on the other hand, there are days that I would give my right arm to have a 7:30 meeting and drop him off somewhere along the way.

It’s an age-old argument, but as I see it, being a mom, stay at home or not, is hard work. No matter where you do it from.

For some, returning to work is a financial necessity and not a choice. I get that. And when I think about being a SAHM in those terms, I know I’m one of the fortunate ones.

Are you at stay-at-home mom? If so, is it by choice? Do you miss working?

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Ten Years Later

Posted on May 2, 2011 Written by Tonya

I had a different post prepared for today, but in light of recent activity, I’m posting this instead….

On September 11, 2001, I was driving to work listening to the Mark & Brian show on the radio when I first heard about the planes hitting the Twin Towers.

I was riveted.

I was scared.

My first thought was that this had to be a cruel joke. Next, I thought of my parents and sister, who were living in Yangon, Myanmar at the time. Did they know? Were they safe? Would they be evacuated?

I didn’t know if I should turn around and go home or continue on my way to work.

I went into work because surely this was a mistake. A terrible mistake. A hoax.

It wasn’t.

No one got any work done that day. We were all huddled together and glued to computer screens and the televisions set up in the break rooms.

The footage that kept playing over and over was like something out of a movie. People plummeting to their deaths and smoke and ash and debris.

Nearly 3000 innocent lives were taken that day.

It was a very somber time in our nation’s history.

That was nearly ten years ago.

Yesterday, Osama bin Laden, the founder of al-Qaeda and the man responsible for the September 11 attacks was killed by United States Navy SEALs.

Normally, I avoid political talk like the plague.

I’m not a big fan of heated discussions, but I do have strong opinions about a women’s right to choice, teaching religion in our public schools, the right to bare arms, heath care reform and taxes.

I am proud to be an American and I am proud of our armed forces. I appreciate every freedom I have as an American citizen and I vote.

The killing of bin Laden has been weighting heavily on my mind today.

On one hand, I truly hope that anyone that suffered a loss ten years ago due to the September 11 attacks feels a bit more peace today, but on the other hand, I can’t help but pose the question: now what?

Has justice really been served?

I don’t believe the “eye for an eye” principle works.

Our nation has been at war for 10 years! Does finding and slaying bin Laden mean our troops get to come home?

Is it morally wrong to celebrate the assassination of bin Laden in such a festive and patriotic way? Should we celebrate the death of anyone?

I don’t know the answers to these questions, but they are worth asking and they are on my mind today.

The Vatican released this statement this morning and while I also like to avoid discussions about religion, it really helped me realize the confliction I am feeling about the death of bin Laden.

“Osama Bin Laden – as everyone knows – has had the gravest responsibility for spreading hatred and division among people, causing the deaths of countless people, and exploiting religion for this purpose.

Faced with the death of a man, a Christian never rejoices, but reflects on the serious responsibility of everyone before God and man, and hopes and pledges that every event is not an opportunity for a further growth of hatred, but of peace.”

I wish our nation and our world peace.

What do you think of Osama bin Laden’s death?

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My Candidate

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