Letters For Lucas

Wonders, Mishaps, Blunders and Joy.. commentary on my life as a mom in the form of letters to my son

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The Wedding

Posted on October 5, 2016 Written by Tonya

August 27, 2016

The Bride.

She looked beautiful without a doubt, perfect Victory Rolls in her hair and pin-up style makeup, but what stood out most was her assuredness. She truly had a confidence about her I have never witnessed before.

She was comfortable. And it set the tone for the day.

Comfortable with being a bride, ready to walk down the aisle and very much ready to be married.

The Dress.

The style of Leah’s dress fit with the decor of the gorgeous venue; a strapless A-line cut to the knee that she added a tulle halter neckline to and was covered in beautiful beads. A midnight blue sash sat snug around her middle. She wore sensible blue suede shoes to match and changed into adorable Mrs. Brungardt flip flops at the end of the night.

The Venue.

Just a few short blocks from the hotel we stayed at, the Oviatt Penthouse is in an Art Deco style high rise designed in the late 1920’s. The building is a Los Angeles treasure. Although a bit musty and dank, taking the wood paneled elevator to the top floor was like stepping back in time. The walls of Mr. James Oviatt, popular haberdasher held secrets and much of the penthouse was off limits. Signs warning, “do not touch” were displayed in several places. The original fixtures were delightful, especially the ones in Mr. Oviatt’s bedroom; his dressing table and antique lamps, the lime green tiled sauna in his bathroom, tiny sinks and other toiletries.

The LA skyline was the star of the evening and much to our surprise it turned out to be a very cool evening, in fact heat lamps had to be brought out by the nights end.

Leah put a lot of work (and Etsy purchasing) into planning a perfect wedding day and small significant details chosen with love were used on the dinner tables; delicate paper flowers made out of old maps were part of the centerpieces, personalized thank you notes were tucked into each guest napkin, small chalk boards described the signature drink, (purple lemonade) and directed people where to go and what to do. Every song played by the DJ had a love theme.

The Bouquet.

Leah painstakingly made her own bouquet after seeing a friends. A round globe about the size of a volleyball covered in trinkets and special items representing her and Aaron’s lives together and mementos of those around her; a penny minted the year our parents were married, a Thomas the train cupcake topper, Lego and many of our elementary school teacher mom’s colorful earrings. I’d like to think the Corona Light bottle cap was a nod to me. It’s a unique piece of art!

The Guests.

Months earlier when lamenting over her guest list, the names on their A and B lists, I gently reminded Leah that everyone that should be present, would be and that a good rule of thumb was if she hadn’t looked someone in the eye in a year or less, she might want to reconsider inviting them. She took my advice in some cases and not in others, which resulted in last minute cancellations and disturbing texts from friends who could not attend.

Undeniably her guests, the ones who did attend, each and every one sang her and Aaron’s praises. Leah is so very loved and has built a network of friends that have become family over the years.

The Sister of the Bride

I had the distinct honor of spending the entire day with Leah, beginning with breakfast, just the two of us and then giving her away a little before 7:00 that evening.

It was over mimosas (and bacon) at Bottega Louie that I shared the toast I would give that night. I was worried about it being too melancholy and knowing it was going to be an emotional day, I wanted her to hear it first, to prepare her in some small way. I had struggled so much to find the right words in the weeks leading up to this monumental occasion.

We cried and laughed and then cried some more. And then ordered another mimosa!

Someday I’ll share the words I read with trepidation, shaking hands and a lump in my throat the night of my sister’s wedding here.

givingawaythebride

Thank you, Tracy for capturing this shot. I adore it! xo

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Filed Under: aunt leah, family, friends, love, memories, milestones, siblings, wedding Tagged With: #LandAwedinLA, aunt leah, family, friends, love, memories, milestones, photos, siblings, wedding

My Second Child

Posted on August 8, 2016 Written by Tonya

It’s true what they say about second children, they totally get the shaft. There’s fewer photos, less fanfare surrounding milestones, they tend to fend for themselves on occasion, enjoy the snot out of all the hand-me-downs and are inadvertently overlooked from time to time.

Take this blog for instance, I started writing Letters For Lucas shortly after Lucas, my first born was two months old. I wanted a place to record his every move and share my, what I thought at the time, were deep and profound thoughts on motherhood.

It was my first time and this was my online diary of what we were both experiencing, a baby book of sorts. Letters For Lucas literally started just as that, letters to my son. It eventually grew in many ways and has sadly now all but been abandoned. I treasure this space and wish I had more time to write. I often think about having the whole thing printed because I don’t want to lose these words, these memories, and I feel guilty not sharing letters, thoughts and wonderful happenings about Lola here.

My second child, my daughter, my precious sweet Lola. The child we longed and waited so patiently for. Lola brings so much joy to our lives and it is hard to believe that she just turned 2 1/2. She is a sassy girl and we love her to pieces.

Lola started preschool this summer. Eek! She goes three mornings a week to the same preschool Lucas attended and loves it and this morning was the first that she blew me kisses and waved goodbye instead of crying and pleading with me to stay.

She started taking ballet classes this summer too and and next to riding her scooter or big brother’s hand-me-down bike, it’s one of her favorite things to do.

Spunky and smart, Lola is the perfect combination of girly and sporty, which I adore. She loves books and playing with Thomas the Tank Engine and his friends, pushing one my old dolls around in a baby stroller and having bumper car remote control car races with Lucas all over our living room.

We are in the process of potty training and soon she will be in a “big girl” bed. Later this month she’ll be a flower girl in my sister’s wedding and you know I can’t wait to share those photos! Now, if I could just find her the perfect flower girl dress.

And will you please take a look at this little nut in goggles?!

lolagoggles

Oh, my heart, my sweet Lola.

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Filed Under: blog, happy thoughts, love, memories, milestones, motherhood, parenthood, photos, siblings, silly, simple joys Tagged With: blog, happy thoughts, love, memories, milestones, motherhood, parenthood, photo, siblings, silly, simple joys

It’s Not Our Anniversary – NaBloPoMo

Posted on November 20, 2015 Written by Tonya

It’s not our anniversary.

It’s not his birthday.

It’s not Valentine’s Day.

It’s not Father’s Day.

It’s not a day of any sort of significance.

And those are exactly the days when I love and appreciate him the most.

Well, it is Friday and I did just get to spend four full days alone with him.

I don’t tell my husband enough how much every little thing he does to keep our family together matters, how grateful I am for him and how much I love him.

Todd works hard, he’s an amazing father, supportive husband and tolerates all my bullshit.

Why I will never know.

empirestate

New York – November 17, 2015

I love his dry sense of humor, the random Tuesday he picks up dinner, the way he loves our dog as if he was a third child, they way he wakes up each morning with Lucas to play, his obsession for shoes and jackets and the way he supports me, listens intently and always has my back.

He’s also kind and witty, very charming and devastatingly handsome.

I’m blessed.

NaBloPoMo November 2015

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Filed Under: gratitude, love, marriage, NaBloPoMo, TBW Tagged With: gratitude, love, marriage, NaBloPoMo, TBW

My Daughter – NaBloPoMo

Posted on November 16, 2015 Written by Tonya

My daughter.

She’s feisty and fun and full of sunshine.

This girl smiles all the time.

And her smile is infectious. I hope she always has that ability, the world could use more friendly faces.

lola2

I can’t believe she’ll be two soon. Why does childhood go by so fast?

My brave, strong, fearless daughter.

She loves being read to, going for walks around the block, blowing dandelions, jumping on the trampoline with her brother and doing “homework” each school night right by his side.

Watching the two of them together makes my heart swell. Knowing they will always be there for one another is the best feeling a mother can have.

lola1

We fought so hard for this little girl. But that’s just a faded memory now.

We needed her and she was meant to be ours.

Our family was perfect before and now it’s complete.

My daughter.

lola3

NaBloPoMo November 2015

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My Son – NaBloPoMo

Posted on November 7, 2015 Written by Tonya

My son.

I adore this boy.

shipyard1

He is the best parts of me.

Tender and sweet to his sister.

Thoughtful and generous with his time.

Endearing and sweet and loves doling out hugs.

Inquisitive and interested in the world around him.

shipyard2

He is the worst parts of me.

Obstinate and full of sass.

Impulsive, often speaking before thinking.

At the young age of six, he has already mastered the eye roll of a 15 year old girl.

Easily bored and doesn’t know how to relax.

His badgering is wearing, not to mention exhausting.

He’s learned how to tell white lies and loves to cheat at Chess.

shipyard3I am beyond grateful for this child and the lessons he has taught and for the mirror he holds up for me to see.

My love for this child has no beginning and no end.

Look at him.

He’s perfect.

My son.

NaBloPoMo November 2015

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Old School Blogging: The ABC’s Of Me

Posted on September 17, 2015 Written by Tonya

I’m linking up with my friends, Elaine of The Miss Elaine-ous Life and Andrea of About 100% for a little Old School Blogging and this month is the ABC’s of me, a questionnaire of sorts.

Come play along! Copy and paste the words in bold below, write your post and link up.

A- Age: 43 or…

oldenoughquote

Best. Quote. Ever.

B- Biggest Fear: Missing my children’s futures and having them both turn out like assholes.

C- Current Time: Nap time!

D- Drink you last had: Diet Coke

E- Easiest person to talk to: My 19 month old daughter.

F- Favorite Song: #41 by Dave Matthews Band

G- Grossest Memory: The time Lucas smeared poop on his bedroom wall. It was AWFUL. I wrote about it. Of course. (I’m Still In Shock, February, 2012)

H- Hometown: I was born in Amarillo, Texas but grew up overseas. Arizona was home for a long time and now, it’s wherever my children are. 

I- In love with: My husband and children. And always in that order.

Two drifters off to see the world. There's such a lot of world to see.

Two drifters off to see the world.
There’s such a lot of world to see.

J- Jealous Of: I wouldn’t mind being Beyoncé for a day.

K- Killed Someone? What the hell kind of question is that?

L- Longest Relationship: The one with myself.

M- Middle Name: Dawn

N- Number of Siblings: 1

O- One Wish: Ah. I wish more than anything that my parents were still alive.

P- Person who you last called: Lisa, my ray of sunshine friend.

Q- Question you’re always asked: Uppie?

R- Reason to smile: Topping the list today is Lucas’s latest family portrait:

familyportrait

Complete with disco ball (don’t ask!).

But I also love; a good sweat, starting a new book, my children’s laughter, finding time to write, sunflowers, smelling the sea, an iced Chai tea latte, date nights, fresh sheets, Christmas morning, Dateline, capturing the perfect photograph, green lights, a glass of Dreaming Tree Cab, spending time with my friends, my sister, Jimmy Fallon, the smell of rain, kindness, pizza, fast Internet connection, a good hair day, stop me anytime.

S- Song you last sang: Something annoying on KidzBop.

T- Time you woke up: 6:30

U- Underwear Color: I’m not wearing any. Shhh…

V- Vacation Destination: I’m dying to return to kiss under the Eiffel Tower again, but also look forward to seeing the Golden Gate Bridge, sipping a margarita on the beach in Cabo (hopefully next summer!!) and standing in the middle of Times Square sooner rather than later. (:

W- Worst Habit: Setting impossible expectations and being disappointed.

X- X-rays you’ve had: Mouth, leg, fingers and ankle. Nothing was ever broken.

Y- Your favorite food: Mexican… lime, cilantro, onion, jalapeno, avocado, chips, margaritas

Z- Zodiac Sign: Cancer, the crab. Explains so much.

cancer-2

Incidentally, I’ve done one of these before, ABC in June, 2013.

Your turn! Answer the questions, post them on your blog and then link up at Elaine’s or Andrea’s place (don’t forget to tag #OSBlog on Twitter when you share!)

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Back To School

Posted on August 30, 2015 Written by Tonya

As I carefully cut price tags off shorts and hang collared shirts both one size bigger than last year, my mind is flooded with thoughts and my heart starts to ache.

I think about what a fun summer we’ve had and how I’d like a little more. A little more time with Lucas. Just Lucas.

I think about how much my boy has grown in the last three months and what an awesome child he is. He’s funny and smart, curious about everything, a great reader and super big brother.

I think about first grade and how on earth this happen so quickly. I think about all of his first days of school so far. There have been four. Starting in 2011, Lucas went to preschool two mornings a week, then three, followed by three full days a week, then four and then came Kindergarten.

firstdaysdates

I think of all that I hope this school year will be for my son.

It is his second year in what still feels like a new school to me. He, on the other hand, fits right in and I love how his eyes light up whenever he talks about it.

I hope first grade is kind to him. I hope he is kind too. To everyone!

I hope he does his best, makes new friends, learns a ton and knows that I’ll be thinking about him every day.

I run my fingers along the crisp new shirts as they hang side-by-side in the closet, no longer on baby hangers and I weep.

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What My Six-Year-Old Knows About Me

Posted on August 6, 2015 Written by Tonya

I saw this questionnaire circulating around Mother’s Day and was curious how Lucas would respond so I had a third party ask him these questions about me.

I love his answers! Especially #11. I can’t even remember the last time I did a handstand, but obviously he was impressed.

1. What is something your mom always says to you?
Maybe

2. What makes your mom happy?
Me & Lola

3. What makes Mom sad?
When she has to yell.

4. How does your mom make you laugh?
When she uses funny names.

5. What was your mom like as a child?
Smart, funny and awesome like me.

6. How old is your mom?
43.

7. How tall is your mom?
Two feet.

8. What is her favorite thing to do?
Read Dinosaurs Come Everything, play Uno and other games.

9. What does your mom do when you’re not around?
Change Lola’s diapers, laundry, work out and have fun with Daddy.

10. If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for?
Making books.

11. What is your mom really good at?
Cooking and handstands.

12. What is your mom not very good at?
Skateboarding and video games.

13. What does your mom do for a job?
Take care me and Lola.

14.What is your mom’s favorite food?
Spinach, lemon and kale.

15.What makes you proud of your mom?
Everything.

16. If your mom were a character, who would she be?
Sally from Cars.

17. What do you and your mom do together?
Play games and read.

18. How are you and your mom the same?
We both have blue eyes.

19. How are you and your mom different?
She’s taller and older and sleeps in a bigger bed.

20. How do you know your mom loves you?
I just know. She tells me.

21. What does your mom like most about your dad?
He makes her laugh.

22. Where is your mom’s favorite place to go?
Cardio Barre and El Matador.

23. How old was your Mom when you were born?
36.

24. What do you want to tell your mom?
I love her.

25. What is something you wish your mom knew?
I wish she knew everything. She knows a lot but not everything.

Interview conducted July 23, 2015.

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Filed Under: conversations with Lucas, love, question Tagged With: conversations with Lucas, love, question

This Boy

Posted on June 5, 2015 Written by Tonya

Oh, how I love this boy!

thisboy

Photo by Tereza Harper, January 27, 2015

This boy who made me a mommy.

This boy who brings magic and joy to my life when I need it most.

This boy who is healthy and intelligent and creative and kind.

This boy who makes me act silly and come up with nonsensical song lyrics and dance around the kitchen.

This boy who knows exactly what to say to get me on the trampoline.

This boy who has me learning Skylanders characters and sharing the latest Star Wars movie previews and downloading games with names like Pixel Gun and Buddyman to our iPad.

This boy who costs me at least $20 more every time I take him with me to the supermarket.

This boy who I can’t say no to when it comes to books.

This boy who shares my love of dinning out and being pampered.

This boy who is sensitive and rambunctious, curious and insightful.

This boy who can push each and every single one of my hot buttons to the point where I am in tears and yet, I love him anyway.

This boy who I schedule play dates for, buy his favorite snacks, pay a dollar so he’ll run upstairs to check on his napping sister and can make me giggle until I almost pee in my pants.

This boy owns me.

This boy is gold.

Lucas, my sweet boy, you are awesome and being your mom makes me happier than anything else I have ever done, or will ever do in my lifetime.

I believe in you and know you will reach any goal you set your mind to. I am on your side, your cheerleader, and biggest fan. Always!

I can’t wait to see what six holds.

Happy Golden Birthday, fellow.

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Filed Under: birthdays, love, milestones, my letters, photos, praise Tagged With: birthdays, golden birthday, love, milestones, my letters, photos, praise

The Woman In The Photo

Posted on May 9, 2015 Written by Tonya

She was a first time mother at the age of 23.

The year was 1972.

I can’t even imagine.

I became a mother at 36.

Not that I knew any more than she did. But the 13 years I waited to start a family I believe gave me a greater sense of self, not to mention over a decade more life experience.

Having a child changes everything, no mater what age you are.

I love this photo.

IMG_2678

There’s so much I wish I could ask this young woman. Deep mysteries and trivial information I would have loved for her to reveal to me.

Was she happy? Was she worried about being a good mother? Did she have close girlfriends to confide in? Was her mother helpful after I was born? How did she feel when her father held me for the first time? What made her feel special? What book was she reading? Where did she like to shop for clothes? What did she have breakfast? What was her favorite flower?

The questions are endless.

The look on her face in this photograph has always intrigued me. It’s equal parts exhaustion, bewilderment, adoration and indifference. Sums up motherhood pretty well, especially in those early newborn days. There is a lot going on behind those Mona Lisa eyes.

I’ve stared at this photograph for hours over the years and the longer I look at it, the more I see myself. Not 23 or 36 year old me, but me today.

I want to be a different mother to my children than my mother was to me, more open, more involved, a reflection of her best characteristics. Like she, I’m flawed in my own ways.

I learned many valuable lessons from my mother; the importance of sending thank you cards, how to celebrate holidays, the pure joy that can be found in a chocolate chip cookie and how to relax.

There are still so many questions for the women in the photo.

I miss her.

I miss a relationship I never had with her. I miss a relationship I could have had with her.

I think our relationship would have bloomed once I became a mother. I would have turned to her like I never was able to as a child.

Luckily, we all have two opportunities to have that mother/daughter bond. Once as a child when we have absolutely no control and again as mothers ourselves. If Mother’s Day is difficult for you too, please remember that.

If you have a difficult relationship with your mother, if your mother is gone, or you are struggling to became a mother, you are not alone.

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Filed Under: KRA, loss, love, motherhood, photos Tagged With: KRA, loss, love, Mother's Day, motherhood, photos

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