Letters For Lucas

Wonders, Mishaps, Blunders and Joy.. commentary on my life as a mom in the form of letters to my son

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One Year Ago

Posted on November 20, 2014 Written by Tonya

It was the week of Thanksgiving.

I was 30 weeks pregnant.

We were surrounded by boxes. So many boxes!

We were beyond grateful to bid farewell to the small apartment we had lived in for nine months.

Our search for a new home had finally come to an end.

A year ago, as we fell into bed exhausted we listened to the sounds we are now accustomed to coming from our house and neighborhood and dreamed of filling cupboards and closets, covering the walls with our favorite art and photographs, furnishing a nursery and making family memories.

My belly was big and round and my back ached but I was happy. I was anxious to be settled, decorate for the holidays and mail our Christmas cards, which included our new address.

I can’t believe we have been in this house for a year. It seems so much smaller now and there are things we still want to (and need to) do. I guess that happens once you grow comfortable in your space.

In many ways our lives are the same as they were a year ago, but in the best ways, they have changed. 

fence

Yes, we really do have a white picket fence.

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Filed Under: family, holidays, home, memories, milestones, move, pregnancy2 Tagged With: family, holidays, home, memories, milestones, move, pregnancy2

The Day Lola Was Born

Posted on July 15, 2014 Written by Tonya

Babies are such a nice way to start people. – Don Herold

I love hearing how humans enter the world, each story is unique and very special. I hope you don’t mind me sharing Lola’s birth story.

I had taken Charlie for a 3-mile walk on the morning of Thursday, January 30  and then had a fetal monitoring appointment. After 33 weeks I was going twice a week.

During this particular appointment, Lola’s heart rate dipped six times, my blood pressure was (and had been) on the high side, plus an ultrasound revealed that she had turned around again (the first time had been at 35 weeks and I was able to turn her around on my own without medical intervention) so the doctor insisted on sending me to the Labor and Delivery ward at the hospital.

I hadn’t showered and I had the dog in the car were my first thoughts immediately after, holy shit, I’m having the baby today! After three and half years of waiting and nine months of keeping our miracle safe and sound tucked inside my belly, this is how it’s going to happen. After months of trying to predict and control birthing day, now I know. Okay. I can do this. Right?

With my mind racing, I started crying uncontrollably because I knew my baby would be delivered via C-section and that was the last thing I wanted. I wrote about my ideal birth plan here.

I called my husband from the car and I was shaking, had a hard time speaking but managed to convey that I would take the dog home and keep him posted. I had a feeling I’d get to L&D and everything would be fine and I would be sent home or we’d be having a baby later that day. He told me to take the dog to our favorite local doggie daycare instead and then we would have one last thing to worry about. He would standby for more news and in the meantime wrap up things at work so that he could meet me at the hospital. We agreed not to alert family just yet. 

Against doctor’s orders after the doggie day care I also stopped by our house. I had to pee, it was on the way and there were a couple of things I wanted to do, like find a big red ribbon to put around the three carefully wrapped presents (Angry Birds Go! Game, I Spy! Bingo and Hi Ho Cherry-O!) that “the baby” would be giving her big brother once they met. I also wanted to make sure my slippers and make up bag were in my suitcase. I know, I know, I wasn’t in my right mind and needless to say, no make up was worn during my four day hospital stay. 

After several hours and running down my phone battery not once, but twice, being adjusted and readjusted, the baby’s heart was fine and my blood pressure was normal. She was still in a breech position when my OB called me around 3:00. She was relieved when I told her that I’d have a C-section and asked if we could do it that evening. I knew if I went home I’d be wrought with worry and unable to sleep. Plus, at this late stage of the game (one day past my due date) I didn’t think I could turn the baby around again.

After Todd picked up Lucas from preschool, he brought him to the hospital to say hello. We discussed names together as a family and Lucas, who had been dead set on Lola since we told him we were expecting and refused to entertain anything else was now suddenly open to middle names. He had selected a middle name too, but was now eager to hear our choices. When talking about his day at school he mentioned his friend Paigey. Paige, but everyone calls her Paigey, which is just about the cutest things ever. Todd and I looked at each other and that was it. Lola Paige. It also helped that Todd has a close friend named Paige.

A C-section was scheduled for 7:00 PM and leading up to it the anesthesiologist visited me at least three times that I remember, maybe more and reviewed the entire process start to finish, patiently answered my questions and tried his best to reassure me. 

It was almost 8:00 when I was finally taken to the OR and Lola was born at 8:19. It was quick but I was terrified and hated every moment of the procedure, hated not being able to feel anything, hated not being in control, hated being pinned down like Jesus on the cross and I cried throughout the procedure. 

I knew it was what was best for the baby but it wasn’t how I had envisioned bringing this child into the world. I was relieved Todd could be with me (Lucas was at home with our good friends, Ed and Carol) and really happy that it was my OB to perform the procedure, but I still hated not being able to feel anything!

It turns out that Lola wasn’t breech by the time I was in the operating room (she had turned around again in less than an hour!!) but had somehow put two knots in the umbilical cord, so we would have ended up in the OR anyway.

birth1a

I couldn’t take my eyes off her once I saw her and one of the (many) advantages of a C-section is that baby’s heads are perfectly round. She was beautiful. We all thought she looked just like Lucas when he was born, but a female version… daintier and smaller. It’s hard to put into words what it was like to finally meet my daughter and makes me tear up even now as I type this. I was elated and thankful and so relieved. Finally she was here. Finally.

My recovery was rough and very unexpected. I was able to stand up by the next morning after the catheter was removed, but remained in pain the entire hospital stay and for weeks after. It hurt when I laughed or sneezed or coughed or moved in any way. I was sure every time I looked down at my belly that my insides would be spilling out, but that never happened. I was so grateful when I could finally walk around the ward, making it one loop was a triumph!

birth2aLucas met his sister Friday morning and was wonderful with her, albeit timid and shy. I had dreamed about their first encounter but had zero expectations. He held her right away and offered her kisses and tiny soft pats on the head. It made me deliriously happy to see them together.

Todd stayed at the hospital with me two nights and my sister one night. We were getting to own our baby as went about diaper changes and feedings. We were mesmerized by her alert alien-like eyes and tiny fingers.

birth3aI was able to come home the afternoon of Super Bowl Sunday (Seattle Seahawks, 43 vs. the Denver Broncos, 8) but I wish I could have stayed one more night.

I was very emotional as we took the elevator downstairs and then running into our fertility doctor in the parking lot was completely surreal. She said she hardly ever comes to that hospital and what are the chances?! I was face-to-face with the very woman responsible for this tiny miracle. It was too much. I was so overcome and couldn’t stop crying. It was a beautiful moment and one that I will treasure always.

Huddled around the TV in our living room, we all paid way more attention to the bundle in my arms than the game. The house was full of bouquets of carefully placed flower vases, thanks to my mother-in-law. We had a full house and full hearts. Looking back all I can remember is the pain I felt in my abdomen but the peace in my heart.

mybabies

The loves of my life!

If you are interested in reading Lucas’s birth story, you can find it here.

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Filed Under: birthdays, motherhood, peace, photos, pregnancy2, quotes, siblings Tagged With: birthdays, motherhood, peace, photos, pregnancy2, quotes, siblings

Shooting Stars

Posted on May 18, 2014 Written by Tonya

One year ago today.

The appointment was scheduled for Saturday, May 18 at 10:00 am.

Two embryos.

One boy.

One girl.

Cyropreserved and stored for just over two months.

We told our reproductive endocrinologist to let the embryologist randomly choose.

We didn’t care.

We just wanted a baby.

I wore one pink sock and one blue sock for luck. Or to be cute. Or to appear  lighthearted when I was anything but.

We were given photos of each embryo. A clump of cells five days old.

Just breathe was my mantra that morning along with What if it works? What if it doesn’t? running through my mind on repeat.

After identification had been verified, the entire procedure took less than five minutes.

On the small dark monitor, it looked like a tiny but bright shooting star, a burst of magic—our baby being released into my uterus.

One year ago today was my embryo transfer.

It was both terrifying and exhilarating.

The two weeks that followed were nerve wracking. Taking it easy, staying off my feet and hanging out in our apartment.

On the morning of May 30, there would be a blood test to determine the presence of the pregnancy hormone in my blood.

It was there.

It worked!

download-1

This image is still my screen saver. Click on image for source.

Finally.

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Filed Under: doodlebug, infertility, IVF, pregnancy2 Tagged With: doodlebug, infertility, IVF, one year ago today, pregnancy2, secondary infertility

Life After Infertility: Infertility Awareness Week 2014

Posted on April 20, 2014 Written by Tonya

downloadOne in every eight couples in the United States are affected by infertility.

Nearly six million families are childless. Some chose this option, but many more long for children that never come.

According to the National Survey of Family Growth, more than 1 million couples grapple with secondary infertility, a couple’s inability to conceive a baby, even though they’ve had at least one child in the past.

My husband and I are one of these couples. Since Lucas’s first birthday, I have had five miscarriages, one with the aid of IVF treatment and one incredible success! 

April 20-27 is Infertility Awareness Week and each year during this week I will write about my personal battle and reflect on the ups and downs that consumed my life for three and a half years as my husband and I longed for a second child. I will think of others that faced the same fight and either beat it and have a precious child in their arms or are at peace and have moved on from it. And in my heart, I will always hold a special place for those currently in the thick if it, hoping, wishing and praying for a miracle baby of their own.

I have and always will be open about my struggle with infertility. I could have never have suffered in silence. Not everyone is like that.

I got my miracle baby, my sweet Lola and I am grateful for what I had to endure to get her. You read that right, I am grateful for my struggle with infertility. Not everyone can say that.

I know what you’re thinking… Yeah, sure you can say that now that it’s behind you and you have had success, but I honestly really wouldn’t change a thing. Sure I wish it hadn’t taken so long or cost so much, but my battle to have a second child put me in places where I know my ego would have never otherwise taken me. Working so hard for something at the end of the day I had zero control over made me trust others like I never have before, relinquish control and be the most vulnerable I ever have been in my life. I learned a lot about myself too; my tolerance for stress, pain and heartache and how to be patient (or at least patienter). It gave me strength and made me grateful. It is behind me, but I will always remember the pain, the tears, the roller coaster ride.

I also made some amazing friends who were or continue to be struggling too and there is nothing in the world like not being alone. Fighting the most difficult battle of your life can be isolating and very lonely.

I hate that anyone has to deal with infertility issues, but if you are or someone you love is facing this battle, please visit RESOLVE, the National Infertility Association Website and attain the support you need to make the best decisions for you and your family.

You are not alone. Do not give up hope.

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Filed Under: infertility, IVF, miscarriage, pregnancy2 Tagged With: infertility, infertility awareness week, IVF, miscarriage, pregnancy2, secondary infertility

Beating Myself Up

Posted on March 31, 2014 Written by Tonya

Last week I went to Old Navy to get Lucas some play shorts and t-shirts and pants for school (what is it about boys wearing out the knees in every single pair of pants they wear?!). I like Old Navy a lot; they have a great selection, true to fit sizes and the price is always right.

Occasionally I’ll buy something fun and trendy for me there as well and right now all of the super cute light-colored springy items have hit their racks and it was too tempting for me. For the better part of eight months all I’ve worn are stretchy pants with secret tummy panels and billowy shirts with elastic along the sides. I’m ready to shop!!

But seriously, what the hell was I thinking trying on pants? I am so far from my pre-pregnancy weight, let alone my pre-pregnancy body. I am able to fit into my “fat” jeans, but none of my true regular pants yet. Those are several sizes from where I am today.

When I was pregnant with Lucas I gained 33 pounds. This time around, 44. 44!! I’m blaming the fertility meds I was on the first trimester and my adoration of baked goods and sandwiches. I’m already down 30 pounds and I know the last 10 are the hardest, but I want results NOW!!

I’ve been walking a lot and since bringing Lola home have worked back up to 4 miles 3 to 4 times a week but it’s time to kick it up a notch…. more cardio, less carbs and maybe enlist a professional! I’ve never been on a diet or nutrition plan, but I’m ready to make some serious changes in my diet.

It’s also time to give myself a break.

It took 9+ months to put all that weight on, I was creating a human for God’s sake so it’s going take a while to get back the way I was.

If I ever do.

The problem is I live in the worst place on the planet for a woman’s body consciousness. Southern California is full of beautiful and fit people. And it can be a very judge-y environment. In my case, most of it self inflicted, but with so much healthy living going on around you, it’s hard not to get caught up in it. I’ve shared my thoughts on weight here and here before but pregnancy is different.

Isn’t it?

I love exercising and I’m not above hard work. I know I’ll get there, but why do I beat myself up like this and why can’t all tags say this? And better yet, why can’t we believe it?

you are beautiful

Click on image for source.

A good reminder for us all, no?

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Filed Under: challenges, clothes, exercise, health, pregnancy2, shopping Tagged With: challenges, clothes, exercise, health, pregnancy2, shopping

When “Thank You” Isn’t Enough

Posted on February 21, 2014 Written by Tonya

For over a year, I have been a proud member of an online blogging group and these women are amazing in so many ways.

Their words lift me up when I’m feeling low, they are wise and supportive, strong and hard working, funny and real! They are sensitive and sweet and sometimes a little crass, which I happen to love! I honestly don’t know where I would be without them.

This is a closed group and not to sound cliquey, but a very exclusive one. I was lucky to be asked to join.

The oddest (for lack of a better word) thing about this incredible group of fellow women, mothers and writers is that of the 29 members, I have only met seven in real life. Now, anyone that says that online friends aren’t real, hasn’t ever met women like these!

Throughout my struggles with secondary infertility, this group not only shared my words through their social media channels but shared their own personal stories of longing and then hoped and prayed right there with me that someday I would be able to get pregnant again and when I did, they shared my joy, worry and happy tears.

In the weeks leading up to Lola’s birth and even since, a package (or two) has arrived on my door step each day and each day I have been overwhelmed and deeply touched by the gifts of love we have received.

Packages have come from all over the world and here is just a small sampling of what has arrived:

gifts of love2

Here’s what arrived yesterday:

photo

Thank you, Kir!

If you don’t already know the following women, you should!

Alison of Writing, Wishing
Kiran of Masala Chica
Erin of The Road to My Writer Roots & The Gay Dad Project
Laura of Mommy Miracles
Tracy of Sellabit Mum
Natalie of Mommy of a Monster & Twins
Robin of Farewell Stranger
Jennifer of Jennifer P. Williams
Greta of Gfunkified
Brittany of That’s Vandy
Deborah of Ask Doctor G
Elaine of The Miss Elaine-ous Life
Sarah of Little White Whale
Arnebya of What Now and Why
Poppy of Facing 40
Kristin of Two Cannoli
Angie of Angie Kinghorn
Angela of Angela Amman
Jennie of A Lady in France
Galit of  These Little Waves
Leigh Ann of Genie in a Blog
Keely of Lollygag Blog
Katie of Sluiter Nation
Anna of An Inch of Gray
Andrea of About 100%
Kim of  Co-Pilot Mom
Kerstin of  Auer Life
Kirsten (Kir) of The Kir Corner & KirstenAPiccini.com
Jessica of My Time As Mom

Thank you, ladies. Not just for the generous gifts to help my family welcome our sweet miracle, but for your friendship.

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Filed Under: DBA, friends, gifts, gratitude, pregnancy2 Tagged With: DBA, friends, gifts, gratitude, pregnancy2

It’s All Coming Back To Me

Posted on February 19, 2014 Written by Tonya

I forgot how heavy the car seat is,

how a degree is necessary to assemble a stroller,

about the midnight, 2 am and 4 am feedings,

the dirty diapers,

about the spit up and sticky, stinky milky baby neck,

how to wrap a little human like a burrito,

the high pitch bird like noises these fascinating creatures make,

the days of constantly wanting to be held (these have become my favorite, by the way),

how sexy my husband looks holding a brand new baby,

that intoxicating newborn scent,

the utter exhaustion brought only by interrupted sleep,

the load after load after load of laundry,

how to baby talk and just how silly it sounds,

the painful pumping,

the sink full of bottles,

the way our bodies contort and shift, adjust and seek comfort when trying to find the perfect position in which to hold such a light person,

the tiny socks. Oh, how those socks kill me!

I forgot how my heart would expand and envelope a brand new person and put all of their needs ahead of my own, how love would be reflected back to me through eyes that speak volumes, but lips that cannot yet say a word.

But it’s all coming back to me and I am so grateful for the second opportunity.

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Filed Under: love, motherhood, parenthood, pregnancy2, TBW Tagged With: love, motherhood, parenthood, pregnancy2, TBW

She’s Here!

Posted on February 10, 2014 Written by Tonya

She’s here! She’s here! I am thrilled, grateful, full of joy and so, so much love. There truly are no words to describe how happy I am to finally have this tiny baby girl in my arms.

However…

between constipation, engorged boobs, sore nipples, painful pumping sessions, lack of sleep, not being able to move around comfortably, swollen feet and hands, stitches, burning sensation in my abdomen, multiple bouts of crying throughout the day, not being able to drive for two weeks, an over active pre-schooler, mounds of laundry, an insatiable thirst and crazy out of whack hormones, postpartum days really suck.

On the other hand, there is a very supportive and helpful husband, an understanding 4-year-old, in-laws to look after Lucas, a sweet and curious dog, friends who visit bearing gifts, meals, sound advice and laughter, doctors and specialists who know better, breast feeding support groups, pain medication, cabbage (if you have ever breast fed, you’ll understand), time and moments like this:

sibling love
It was worth the wait and worth all the postpartum BS. Bring it… I’m getting stronger every day and slowly healing.

I will share Lola Paige’s birth story soon and more photos, but blogging will be intermittent for the next few weeks as I’ll be busy snuggling my newborn miracle. Thank you for understanding.

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Filed Under: annoyances, family, friends, grandparents, gratitude, health, motherhood, photos, pregnancy2, puppy, siblings, TBW Tagged With: annoyances, family, friends, grandparents, gratitude, health, motherhood, photos, pregnancy2, puppy, siblings, TBW

Countdown

Posted on January 29, 2014 Written by Tonya

For days, I have kept a baby countdown to due date on the chalkboard in our kitchen… Lucas loves seeing the different designs I come up with and talking about whether or not she’ll be on time and how big my belly is getting, how big the baby is getting, guessing when she’ll make her big debut and just exactly how she’ll get her.

I never thought I’d be explaining the vaginal canal to my four-year old. These are interesting and very exciting times, to say the least…

2345

Yesterday he beat me to the chalk:

1 day until baby!

Words cannot express how much I love this boy!

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Filed Under: conversations with Lucas, pregnancy2 Tagged With: conversations with Lucas, pregnancy2

Be Here

Posted on January 28, 2014 Written by Tonya

I study photographs of him and will them to come to life.

Just one more conversation.

Meet my son.

Put your hand on my belly and feel your granddaughter.

Share a beer and a laugh with your son-in-law. 

Be here.

My father would have been 67 today.

I can’t believe he (and my mother) have been gone almost seven years.

Does it ever really sink in?

Does the hurt ever stop?

MSA 1947-2007

Michael Stephen Adams 1947-2007

Baby girl is due tomorrow but could have been delivered today.

It was almost a guarantee.

For over a week she was breech and my OB was trying to talk me into having an ECV (External Cephalic Version), a procedure done at the hospital where she and a nurse manually (from the outside) try to flip the baby. My OB said the procedure is only successful half the time and the other half leads to labor, hence the reason it’s done at hospital. It can be very painful and must be done within the 37 and 38th weeks of pregnancy.

I opted not to have the procedure and instead sought help from a chiropractor trained in the Webster technique, involving assessing and correcting any misalignments in the pelvic and low back area helping to keep the ligaments and muscles, which support the uterus, relaxed. I also saw my acupuncturist and performed yoga type movements twice a day and used visualization to move her on my own.

Just to be safe, however, my OB wanted me to schedule a C-section. The VERY last way I wanted to deliver this baby (you can read about my birth plan here)!!

When discussing dates, she said the earliest she could do one would be January 28. I was taken aback to say the least. Knowing my due date is January 29, I always known that it was a possibility that my father and daughter could share a birthday, but I really wanted her to have her own special day. When my OB came up with the date solely based on surgery room availability and her own personal schedule and knowing nothing about the significance to my family, I thought it might be meant to be. My father was my hero and I miss him every day and what better way to pay homage to him than having his granddaughter on his birthday.

A week after making the appointment, baby girl flipped and has been head down ever since! I am equal parts relieved and melancholy. The day is still young, so anything can happen, but with the 7:45 AM C-section canceled, I can’t help but be curious to see if she will choose today to be here.

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Filed Under: acupuncture, grief, milestones, MSA, pregnancy2 Tagged With: acupuncture, grief, milestones, MSA, pregnancy2

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