I almost bought my father, who has been dead for five years a Christmas present today.
A book, but not just any book, a $75.00 coffee table book: Fenway Park: 100 Years: The Official, Definitive History of America’s Most Beloved Ballpark
He would have devoured it.
He loved the Red Sox.
His last e-mail to me, the e-mail that will forever stay in my In Box was about recording the 2007 play off games (he and my mother lived overseas and could not watch the games live). The Red Sox were victorious that year against the Colorado Rockies in the World Series, but my father died before he even knew they were going to the Big Show.
I was actually standing in line at Barnes & Noble holding this beautiful 12 x 14 shrink wrapped book in my arms thinking how on earth am I going to wrap this thing?
And then it hit me.
I no longer buy my father Christmas presents.
“Dad” isn’t a name on my Christmas shopping list.
What the hell am I doing?
On one hand, I felt like a total idiot and on the other, it was so incredibly sad.
I put the book back where I found it and couldn’t get out of the store fast enough.
Why does our brain do that to us? Trick us into thinking someone is here that is definitely not, lets us get all the way to the check out line before reality sneaks up and reminds us of the harsh truth. So bizarre. So cruel.
As I rushed off to my car to have a good cry, I thought I should have at least looked through it. So, what does my dumb ass do? I returned to the store, picked up an unwrapped copy, found a quiet corner, thumbed through the pages, let the words and photographs blur and was careful to keep my tears from landing on the pages.
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I am so happy you returned. I think that was the best thing you could have done, and a great way to have ‘spent time’ with dad. xx
I find myself picking up the phone wanting to share something with my stepmom.. or looking forward to the holidays so I can see my Aunt & Uncle who each recently passed away. And when it hits me that whatever I’m thinking or feeling will never be shared or come to fruition, it feels like all of the air is sucked out of my lungs.
With all that said, I bet your dad would have loved his gift.
I’m so sorry for your lose. Thank you for share this private moment. I know a similar day will come for me, and maybe I’ll remember your story and not feel so alone.
An incredible story and the courage to share! Thanks. I loved the humor in “what does my dumb ass do?”. What a wonderful way to share the time with your dad, even 5 years later! It is always amazing what tricks our minds play on us or what sets off a memory. Just something more to cherish. Cowbells do that for me as I got my father a few cowbells from various countries and that is what stirs up the memory for me. Blessings and peace to you.
I’m sure your Dad would have adored that book! Eventhough it was heartbreaking, I’m sure it did you a lot of good to share that special moment with your Daddy. You should get the book. Sending you lots of hugs xoxo
I go down the card aisle just about every time I’m in a Hallmark store or really any drug store with cards and think that I need to buy mom and dad a birthday card, a holiday card, an anniversary or even just an I miss you card. I can’t help it. Sometimes, I’ll go so far as to look at them a little. It breaks me up inside that I no longer have to buy those cards for them, let alone a gift.
And you are right, Dad would have devoured that book. 🙂 XOXOXO
This is my first Christmas without my dad. We lost him suddenly and tragically in April. I identified with your post more than you know. Christmas shopping has been very painful this year with the realization that I no longer have to shop for him. Usually every year I had a hard time (he was hard to buy for) but this year I don’t even have to. And it makes me incredibly sad. I hope you get through the holidays. I have a Lucas too! (he’s two and a half) so I’m trying to concentrate on him.
This one made me cry, Tonya. Our minds are amazing, aren’t they? I bet he was right there with you in spirit looking through that book 🙂
This made me tear up. I’m glad you went back in there. *sends hugs, good thoughts, and much love*
I am also glad that you went back in and went through the book. I’m sure that your dad would have loved it… why not get it anyway?
Maybe that is his way of letting you know he is there for you. I think I would have actually bought it. I’m not huge into the whole I think there are spirits and I think they are talking to me kind of thing. But, I am sure that there are times when something bigger is going on. How else can you explain feeling so close to someone that is so far, far away?
I don’t know why our brains sometimes trick us like that. It is painful though. I’m glad you went back in to look at the book.
Oh Tonya. The holidays are always hard, aren’t they? My thoughts are with you. xoxo
I’m glad you went back to look at the book, but how hard to have that moment where you realized you wouldn’t be buying it for him 🙁 Hugs.
I have caught myself thinking of gifts or cards for my grandparents all the time. I’ll think of conversations and events that I want to share with them over the phone and when I realize that they are gone and I can’t, it breaks me even more.
I’m glad you went back in to look at it. But you know what? I think you should have bought it anyway. Keep it your table, just for him.
xoxo