Kim of Baby Feet is my guest today. She is a beautiful person and wonderful supporter of me and my words here.
Today, I am supporting her. Wholeheartedly.
Dear Husband and Children,
I am sorry, so very, very sorry.
I took so much away from you all when I was sick with the depression and anxiety. Everybody is telling me to not feel guilty about the missed time… but how can I not? If I’d gotten real help sooner, if I’d changed psychiatrists when I knew I was lying to him and he was letting me, if I’d told somebody the real, dirty truth sooner… Everything would have changed.
Children, I wouldn’t have made so many, many promises and then break them all. I wouldn’t have kept you inside so much and let you run outside more, the way you deserved. I wouldn’t have forced naps on you so I could sleep as well. I wouldn’t have let you eat cereal for every meal whenever I could because the effort of cooking was just too much. I wouldn’t have let you have ‘pajama day’ again and again, and would have instead dressed you all in the cute clothes I had just waiting in your closets. I wouldn’t have sat you in front of the TV and would have instead enjoyed doing crafts with you. I wouldn’t have had to leave you twice so I could go into the hospital. I wouldn’t have wasted days due to migraines and trips to the ER. I wouldn’t have been so heavily medicated at times that life was a thick, thick fog. I would have loved and nurtured you the way you needed and deserved.
Husband, I would have been present in our life together. I would have participated in our home life and not hid in our bedroom. I would have given you more kind words and not flung insults at you. I would have taken care of our children and our home so it all didn’t fall on you. I wouldn’t have taken so much time from your work with days I couldn’t get of bed, trips to the ER and time in the hospital. I would have gone on walks with you and the kids, laughed and made happy memories with you. I wouldn’t have stayed on the couch and watched as our life carried on without me.
I am so sorry. I want my memories of this time to be happy. But those 2 1/2 years only fill me with grief. I despise what I did to all of you. I feel I’ve failed you, and all the playtime, home cooked meals, grand promises that I carry through won’t make up for what I’ve done. Someday I’ll forgive myself, I’m told. The question is, will you ever be able to forgive me?
Love, Mom
Art,Violet, Sarah & John, Christmas 2010
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Thank you so much for having me over today, Tonya! So excited and it is such an honor!
Beautiful post, Kim! I think it’s these sad chapters to our story that make the happy ones so much sweeter. I’m sure your family is just so very happy to have you, the real you, back 🙂
xoxo
Oh Kim, you are so incredible. Incredible for sharing your story and incredible for fighting for your life, your husband, your kids, your family. I can’t begin to imagine the guilt you feel, but I do know, coming from a family with lots of adversity, that families are resilient and if they don’t already forgive you, they will soon.
You are very brave for writing this letter and sharing it with us. Only happy memories from here on, right? Well, I suppose there will always be the occasional downs, but you are stronger now. Little bumps won’t even phase you anymore. Especially since you have your beautiful family to support you – and us! If you don’t realize it yet, I’m telling you now, it looks like you are definitely on the road to recovery and better days. This letter is a big step! Forward, my friend! xoxo
This is such a brave letter to share, Kim. They, of course, will forgive you. What matters is you’re there now, really there, and they know how much you love them.
You cannot change the past. Just focus on your beautiful future. Thank you for sharing your heart here…
They know that they are loved to the moon and beyond and that is what they need. Just love. Everything else will follow. Promise xo
Oh Kim. I could have written this letter too. Stupid guilt. I keep waiting for it to go away.
Look at that picture. You are so loved. SO LOVED.
We can’t change the past but you can change your future. I hope that you let the guilt go.
The ability to forgive someone comes easily to me and I’ve never been able to hold grudges for very long but the ability to forgive myself is a much trickier concept altogether. I have no doubt that your family is just so happy that you are getting your life together and are there for them now that of course they forgive me. Be patient with them and yourself. Forgiveness like a lot of things takes time.