Letters For Lucas

Wonders, Mishaps, Blunders and Joy.. commentary on my life as a mom in the form of letters to my son

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This Little Piggy

Posted on April 19, 2010 Written by Tonya

Even though you are in the 95th percentile on the weight and height scales, all of you is little to me. I especially love your tiny feet and hands and nothing brings me more joy than seeing your itty bitty fingers pick up a Cheerio or piece of cheese. You have such precision in the task and I just can’t get enough of it!

Until recently I didn’t have the heart to cover up your little piggies with anything other than socks and jammies with feet. Sadly, your dad (AKA the shoe horse in the family) bought you several pairs of shoes that you never got an opportunity to wear because you have already outgrown them. Last week I finally broke down and got you two new pairs; a so ugly they’re cute pair of Crocs and a classic pair of navy blue Converse All Stars, with tie laces.

You don’t seem to mind them one bit and I seriously don’t think they could be any cuter.
You are a bit obsessed with the laces, so the next pair might need to have Velcro.

“If the shoe fits…buy it in every color.” – Anonymous

The best is yet to be.

Day 55/100

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Filed Under: clothes, quotes, weight

It’s Not All About Me

Posted on April 17, 2010 Written by Tonya

Motherhood is based on many challenges and I know that my journey has only just begun, but having said that, I am enjoying the ride too. I do, however, have a few complaints:

  • I didn’t have a child to have finger prints all over my glass doors, windows and walls.
  • I don’t appreciate changing countless diapers, especially the stinking, smelly ones!
  • We don’t have a dog, so the Cheerios, puffs, tiny pieces of cheese, chicken, carrots and whatever else you decide to throw on the floor are not fun to pick up.
  • It never used to take me twice as long to get out of the house, but with as much gear as you require, even the simplest outings can be painstakingly difficult.
  • I never really minded doing laundry once a week, but now it’s never-ending! There are so many piles that I’m starting to feel sorry for the washer and dryer.
  • Before I had a child, I used to think I was busy. What a laugh!
  • Call it my post-pregnancy brain or just the fact that you go through A LOT of stuff, but seriously, how many times can one person visit the grocery store in a week? I think my record is five!
  • Can someone please explain to me how a 10 month old’s nails grow so fast? And I will not take “calcium” as an answer!
  • Scheduled date nights? Really?
  • I didn’t ask for any of the guilt, lack of energy, worry or anxiety.
  • I used to love our home, but now that you have taken up every. single. room., coupled with the fact that we spend entirely too much time here, I want to redo it from top to bottom or move.
  • No matter how hard this job gets, I can’t quit.
  • It’s not all about me.

ON THE OTHER HAND, motherhood is full of wonderful blessings and benefits too:

  • I never knew my heart could hold so much love.
  • No one has ever looked at me/right through me like you have.
  • I have discovered that I am a lot stronger than I thought… physically and emotionally. Any mom that can hold a child in one arm, while feeding them a bottle, collapse a stroller with the other, have an over sized diaper bag around their neck stepping on to an airplane without assistance has to have super powers, right?!
  • I didn’t think I could life in the moment or roll with the punches as well as I do. You can cry one minute and laugh the next. You love the feeling of the wind, touching plants and trees and playing peek-a-boo. Your natural appreciation and wonder at the world is good for my soul too.
  • I never thought I’d hear myself sing so many silly songs so off key. I appreciate tapping into my creative side.
  • The moms I have met since becoming one myself are some of the kindest, most generous and understanding woman I have ever met. I am proud to be a member of this elite club.
  • I love it whenever you see me, you smile bigger than anyone ever has before.
  • I love your dad more than ever and can’t believe that together we created a whole life…from scratch.
  • It’s not all about me.

The hardest part of motherhood by far is soaking up the good parts without obsessing about the bad and above all being patient with myself. I am a work in progress.

The best is yet to be.

Day 53/100

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Filed Under: challenges, change, motherhood

Say What You Need to Say

Posted on April 17, 2010 Written by Tonya

“Have no fear for giving in
Have no fear for giving over
You better know that in the end
It’s better to say too much
Than never to say what you need to say”
–
Say What You Need To Say, John Mayer

This is my 200th post! I can’t believe it…. I never thought I’d reach 100, let alone 200!

Lucas will be a year old soon (!) and this blog is an account of his life and my gift to him. I can’t wait to share it with him someday, but in the meantime, I truly appreciate you following along with all of my random mommy musings as I fumble my way through motherhood.

My cup (glass) runneth over for all the kind comments that you share (on and offline), advice that you offer (on and offline) and the connections I have made through blogging. I have said it before and surely will say it again and again… blogging has been a wonderful outlet for me and I love doing it. I have learned a lot about myself through my writing and the kind of sister, friend, wife, and woman I am, mother I am striving to be and child I want to raise. This is my space and I am happy to have it.

If you do read Letters For Lucas and haven’t become an official “follower” yet, please do and as always, I LOVE feedback, so comment and comment often on anything that strikes a cord with you, makes you laugh, or rubs you the wrong way. I’m also open to advice and will often ask for it. I know that there are a lot of first time and seasoned mommies out that I could learn a ton from. Thank you, everyone!

200 posts?! And still, I have so much more to say, discover, learn and share.

The best is yet to be.

Day 53/100

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Filed Under: blog, lyrics, milestones, quotes

Guest Post

Posted on April 16, 2010 Written by Tonya

I am starting to really stress out about our trip Down Under… only four more days until we leave and my mind is racing out of control and my credit card is getting a work out. Your aunt Leah has been here all week putting up with my random travel and packing ramblings, oral “must have” lists and trips to Target. As always, she has been a trouper and a lot of fun to hang out with.

Here is her guest post for the month:

Dear Lucas,

Here you go with my 5th guest post for your mom’s blog. Well, next week you are off to Australia, you lucky duck! I was there two January’s ago and I loved it. It is a beautiful country with so much to see and do. I certainly came back exhausted after that trip!

I can’t tell you how fortunate you are to be able to do all this fancy traveling. I mean, you got to spend your first Thanksgiving on this planet in Italy! Not many kids have that opportunity. I think it’s awesome that your parents are getting a head start on filling up your passport. It’s so important to travel and experience new things and see how people live in all parts of the world.

Your mom and I were two of those fortunate kids growing up. As you know, our parents taught at American international schools overseas so that was our life. Needless to say, we traveled tons! Every long weekend, Christmas vacation, Spring Break, and more, we would either go to another city in our country of residence or leave the country to visit one nearby. Sadly, at the time, I don’t really think I fully appreciated it. Looking back on it now, I know that I was having a once in a lifetime experience, was incredibly spoiled and very lucky!

Here’s a short list of a couple very cool things that I got to do because we lived overseas: I rode on a camel, an elephant and an ostrich. I had a pet goat. My best friends were usually from another country and they taught me all about their culture. I learned a little of lots of different languages and really got to use them with the locals. I got to try sometimes-crazy food and learned to have an adventurous pallet. Those are some pretty amazing things, huh?

Having said all this, I do think it’s both brave and a little stupid to be putting you through these long flights over there. Your flight to Sydney will be 15 HOURS LONG!!! Whew! That is going to be tough but thankfully, you have two smart parents with four very capable hands to occupy you. Your mom is packing plenty of diapers, formula, clothes, and of course new toys for you to enjoy.

I have no doubt in my mind that you’ll be well taken care of on this trip. I will miss you very much and will hopefully still be getting daily phone pictures from your mom.

Love you with all my heart,

Aunt Leah
XOXO

“Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome, charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one’s lifetime.” – Mark Twain

The best is yet to be.

Day 52/100

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Filed Under: aunt leah, guest post, quotes, travel

I’ve Been Tagged!

Posted on April 16, 2010 Written by Tonya

My friend and fellow blogger Natalie (Mommy of a Monster (I Mean Toddler) and Infant Twins) has tagged me in a game of One Word Meme. What is a One Word Meme, you ask? It’s a chain-like e-mail you complete and them pass along to others, otherwise known as a way to get to know other bloggers and increase blog traffic.

Thanks, Natalie and keep up the great mommy-ing and blogging. I enjoy checking in on you every day and encourage my followers to do the same. 🙂

So, here I go:

Hair: Brown
Your Mother: Missed
Your Father: Emulated
Favorite Food: Cheeseburgers
Dream Last Night: Nothing
Favorite Drink: Water (Oh, who am I kidding…wine!)
Room You’re In: Kitchen
Hobby: Reading
Fear: Dying young
Where Were You Last Night? Home
Something You Aren’t: Patient
Muffins: Zucchini
Wish List Item: Spa
Where You Grew Up: Everywhere
What Are You Wearing: Jammies
Your Pet: None
Friends: Many
Something You’re Not Wearing: Make-up
Favorite Store: Target
Favorite Color: Navy
Last Time You Laughed: Now
Your Best Friend: Loved
Place You Go Over And Over: Gym
Person You E-Mail Regularly: Colleen
Favorite Place To Eat: Subway

My turn to tag…

Leah, you’re it! When my sister moved to Los Angeles in January, she started a blog called LA ‘n’ LA, which chronicles her new life in southern California. She also writes about all kinds of other fun things like; family, friends, music and travel, so if you have a minute, check it out!

The best is yet to be.

Day 52/100

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Filed Under: aunt leah, blog, friends

No Escape

Posted on April 15, 2010 Written by Tonya

Loss is a part of my life and I can’t deny or ignore it, but I don’t want to own it and I certainly don’t know how to embrace it… yet.

My parents have been gone for two and a half years today.

Two and a half years too many.

There is no escape from loss.

Loss follows you wherever you go.

Reminders are everywhere.

Grief and loss are exhausting.

Time is no cure for grief or loss; they are constant.

As much as I don’t want the loss of my parents to define who I am, it is part of me.

I think about them every day and miss them more than words can describe.

I’m angry that they were taken from me too soon and heartbroken that you will never get to meet them.

This photo was taken on my wedding day, August 4, 2007. It was the last weekend I saw my parents alive.

I am grateful for the 35 years I had with my mom and dad, my memories of happier times, the lessons they taught me, photos I have of them, letters they wrote me, books, music and movies that we shared and enjoyed as a family and my sister, who shares my loss. Together, along with your father, we will make sure that you know your grandparents.

“Our loved ones are never truly gone from us. They remain in the landscape of our own life, as we will for those who come after us. So do right by them by celebrating your own greatness as well as remembering theirs.” – Allison DuBois

I press on because I know that my parents would want me to and because I believe that best is yet to be.

Day 51/100

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Filed Under: aunt leah, grandparents, KRA, loss, milestones, MSA

Half Way Point

Posted on April 14, 2010 Written by Tonya

Today marks the half way point of you wearing the Doc Band. We had our fourth follow up visit this afternoon and your head is moving in the right direction, rounding out in the way the therapist is pleased with and your facial features are noticeably more symmetrical.

This has been an interesting journey and I’m grateful for how easy you’ve made it on us. Since day one it’s like you’re not even wearing it. It hasn’t seemed to bother you in the least bit, however, we do see an extra spring in your step (AKA swagger in your crawl) when it’s off and we know that it’s hot and must be uncomfortable by the end of the day.

I have been so pleasantly surprised at the encouragement from strangers and how many people have come up to us at the park, grocery store, shopping mall, airport, etc. to tell us how successful the Doc Band was for their own children, grandchildren, friend’s children, nieces and nephews. It seems as though we are a part of a special group now and when yours comes off, I’ll be sure to do the same. In fact, your grandma and I saw a little girl wearing a Doc Band while walking through La Jolla last week and I had to stop and comment on how adorable she looked it in. Her parents had painted flowers all over it, where as we have been partial to stickers.

The first 50 days went by in a flash and I know that the next 50 days will as well.

The best is yet to be.

Day 50/100

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Filed Under: doc band, milestones, update Tagged With: doc band, milestones, update

The Buried Life

Posted on April 14, 2010 Written by Tonya

Remember when MTV only played music videos? I do, but I have to admit that a couple of my favorite guilty pleasure programs are on the legendary channel…. “Sixteen and Pregnant”, “True Life”, “Punk’d”, “Unplugged” and my latest favorite, “The Buried Life”. I was up way past by bed time recently watching all eight episodes of Season 1.

This amazing show is the real life adventure of four young men and their purple bus, Penelope on an epic quest to prove that anyone can do anything. With cameras rolling, Duncan, Ben, Jonnie and Dave set out with a list of 100 dreams: everything from kissing Megan Fox to giving a toast at a stranger’s wedding to giving away a million dollars to falling in love.

If you had one day left to live what would you do? Ride a bull? Throw an unforgettable party for everyone you love? Help deliver a baby? Now if you had your whole life to live, would you lose that drive, or would your list just keep getting longer?

But they also made a promise to themselves. For every goal they achieve on their list, they help a stranger do something on theirs.

This is where the show gets really interesting, funny, very emotional and someone’s dream become a reality.

At each stop, they challenge strangers with the ultimate question: “What do you want to do before you die?” The boys help people of all ages, from all places, discover, organize and attempt their wildest dreams. With each new city or town comes a new set of challenges as the team races to make the impossible happen, all before leaving on their next adventure.

This series explores the exciting wonders of human potential and the exhilaration of going after one’s dreams – those dreams too often buried by everyday life. This is the incredible and hard to believe true story of a journey called “The Buried Life”.

“The Buried Life” is named after the 1852 poem by Matthew Arnold:

Light flows our war of mocking words, and yet,
Behold, with tears mine eyes are wet!
I feel a nameless sadness o’er me roll.
Yes, yes, we know that we can jest,
We know, we know that we can smile!
But there’s a something in this breast,
To which thy light words bring no rest,
And thy gay smiles no anodyne.
Give me thy hand, and hush awhile,
And turn those limpid eyes on mine,
And let me read there, love! thy inmost soul.

Alas! is even love too weak
To unlock the heart, and let it speak?
Are even lovers powerless to reveal
To one another what indeed they feel?
I knew the mass of men concealed
Their thoughts, for fear that if revealed
They would by other men be met
With blank indifference, or with blame reproved;
I knew they lived and moved
Tricked in disguises, alien to the rest
Of men, and alien to themselves – and yet
The same heart beats in every human breast!
But we, my love! – doth a like spell benumb
Our hearts, our voices? – must we too be dumb?

Ah! well for us, if even we,
Even for a moment, can get free
Our heart, and have our lips unchained;
For that which seals them hath been deep-ordained!

Fate, which foresaw
How frivolous a baby man would be–
By what distractions he would be possessed,
How he would pour himself in every strife,
And well-nigh change his own identity–
That it might keep from his capricious play
His genuine self, and force him to obey
Even in his own despite his being’s law,
Bade through the deep recesses of our breast
The unregarded river of our life
Pursue with indiscernible flow its way;
And that we should not see
The buried stream, and seem to be
Eddying at large in blind uncertainty,
Though driving on with it eternally.

But often, in the world’s most crowded streets,
But often, in the din of strife,
There rises an unspeakable desire
After the knowledge of our buried life;

A thirst to spend our fire and restless force
In tracking out our true, original course;
A longing to inquire
Into the mystery of this heart which beats
So wild, so deep in us – to know
Whence our lives come and where they go.
And many a man in his own breast then delves,
But deep enough, alas! none ever mines.
And we have been on many thousand lines,
And we have shown, on each, spirit and power;
But hardly have we, for one little hour,
Been on our own line, have we been ourselves–
Hardly had skill to utter one of all
The nameless feelings that course through our breast,
But they course on for ever unexpressed.
And long we try in vain to speak and act
Our hidden self, and what we say and do
Is eloquent, is well – but ’tis not true!
And then we will no more be racked
With inward striving, and demand
Of all the thousand nothings of the hour
Their stupefying power;
Ah yes, and they benumb us at our call!
Yet still, from time to time, vague and forlorn,
From the soul’s subterranean depth upborne
As from an infinitely distant land,
Come airs, and floating echoes, and convey
A melancholy into all our day.

Only – but this is rare –
When a beloved hand is laid in ours,
When, jaded with the rush and glare
Of the interminable hours,
Our eyes can in another’s eyes read clear,
When our world-deafened ear
Is by the tones of a loved voice caressed–
A bolt is shot back somewhere in our breast,
And a lost pulse of feeling stirs again.
The eye sinks inward, and the heart lies plain,
And what we mean, we say, and what we would, we know.
A man becomes aware of his life’s flow,
And hears its winding murmur; and he sees
The meadows where it glides, the sun, the breeze.

And there arrives a lull in the hot race
Wherein he doth for ever chase
That flying and elusive shadow, rest.
An air of coolness plays upon his face,
And an unwonted calm pervades his breast.
And then he thinks he knows
The hills where his life rose,
And the sea where it goes.

What do you want to do before you die? I’m working on my list and promise to share it soon….

The best is yet to be.

Day 50/100

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Filed Under: poem, TV

Beauty Is All Around Us

Posted on April 13, 2010 Written by Tonya

They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but it’s all around us too, if you look close enough…

Aside from wanting to raise a family with your dad and believing that children are some of the most charming and delightful people I know and can grow into charming and delightful adults, one of the selfish reasons that I wanted to have a child was because I thought it would s-l-o-w me down enough to more take notice and be more appreciative of my surroundings. So far, it’s working beautifully.

Everything is brand new to you and you are genuinely interested, curious and intrigued by all of it. I’m learning to see the world again through new eyes.

The best is yet to be.

Day 49/100

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Filed Under: photos, quotes, warm fuzzy

Par Avion

Posted on April 12, 2010 Written by Tonya

I am beyond excited for our upcoming trip to Australia and New Caledonia. I can’t wait to see my dear friend Sophie (A Token Of Love And Affection) and her husband, Luc again, meet their daughters and introduce you to all of them. Plus, this is a part of the world I never imagined I’d get to see.

With eight successful round trip airplane rides under your belt (six domestic flights and one international trip to Italy), I like to think of you as a professional traveler, but with only one week left until our 15 HOUR ONE WAY excursion to Sydney, I am starting to worry… A LOT!

My feelings range from dread to panic. How on earth are we going to feed, entertain and comfort a 10 month old for 15 hours on our laps for what is essentially two days for you?

For me, the worst part of traveling is the packing! I absolutely hate it. I never know what to bring for myself to wear, let alone, you! Packing for the plane ride is the worst part… knowing how many diapers you are going to need, formula you are going to drink, snacks you are going to devour or outfits you are going to go through is down right impossible, and don’t even get me started on medicines I hope we won’t need, books and toys.

Let the list making begin!

I have learned exactly two things about traveling with a baby; 1) bring at least one new toy that you have never seen before, along with a couple of your favorites and 2) have at least two blankets in your carry on… one for comfort and warmth and one that can double as a burp cloth/snot rag/pillow. I also learned, the hard way, I might add to pack more than one extra outfit for you.

Other than that, I am hoping that the universe and travel gods will be on our side. Any toddler travel advice you can offer, that preferably doesn’t involve drugging my son up, is much appreciated. 🙂

Wish us luck, patience and an empty seat!

The best is yet to be.

Day 48/100

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Filed Under: advice, friends, travel

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