Letters For Lucas

Wonders, Mishaps, Blunders and Joy.. commentary on my life as a mom in the form of letters to my son

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The Soundtrack Of My Life

Posted on June 10, 2010 Written by Tonya

I love music and it has always been a huge part of my life. I believe everything is better with music. I have over 6000 songs on my iPod and an “Essential” playlist with over 100 of my “favorites”. They are from all different genres, some are fast, some are slow, some have no lyrics at all, they make me want to dance or cry, several remind me of simpler times when I was young and carefree, but all have special meaning to me of a particular time and place in my life and without a doubt every one makes me smile.

When Lucas was almost five months old he accompanied me on a road trip to Arizona and I played the entire playlist for him and shared the significance of each song. He slept though most of it, but I didn’t take it personally. Since then he has heard those songs and many others over and over. I hope he grows up to enjoy music as much as I do.

When I think about The Soundtrack Of My Life, I think about losing my virginity to Prince’s Sign ‘O’ The Times and dancing my first slow dance to Drive by The Cars and the fact that Fade Into You by Mazzy Star was playing when I got into my first car accident, and anytime I hear anything by The Grateful Dead, I will remember my first true love and Morning Dance by Spyro Gyro will always make me miss my dad.

But, there are 10 tunes that I’ll never grow tired of and also represent my life in very big was (in order of their release dates):

1. Different Drum (1970) by Linda Ronstadt And The Stone Poneys

Yes, and I ain’t saying you ain’t pretty
All I’m saying is I’m not ready
For any person place or thing
To try and pull the reins in on me

I have always loved this song and it’s carefree, Miss Independent, you can’t tie me down message. I chose it for three reasons:
1) Ronstadt and I share our beginnings in Tucson, AZ.
2) While attending the University of Arizona I worked at Pier One Imports and actually helped Ms. Ronstadt when she came into the store one day.
3) My mother’s love of folk music – she couldn’t carry a tune to save her life, but I sang along to The Mamas and the Papas, The Carpenters and Carol King growing up.

2. Pictures of You (1989) by The Cure

If only I’d thought of the right words
I could have held on to your heart
If only I’d thought of the right words
I wouldn’t be breaking apart
All my pictures of you


I love 80’s music…Duran Duran, Madonna, Michael Jackson, Culture Club, New Order and of course, The Cure. Gorgeous and haunting lyrics, enough said!

3. How You’ve Grown (1992) by 10,000 Maniacs

“My, how you’ve grown.”
I remember that phrase from my childhood days too.
“Just wait and see.”
I remember those words and how they chided me,
when patient was the hardest thing to be.
Because we can’t make up for the time that we’ve
lost, I must let these memories provide.
No little girl can stop her world to wait for me.

This song always remind me of the almost 12 years between my younger sister and I. I feel as though my parents and I always tried to make her older than she was and then we’d end up getting frustrated with her for being what she was…younger.

4. Waiting in Vain (1995) by Annie Lennox

It’s been three years since I’m knocking on your door

And I still can knock some more
Ooh, boy, ooh, boy, is it crazy? Look, I wanna know now
For I to knock some more


I love the Bob Marley version of this song too, but this one stands out to me more because it’s sung by the incredible Annie Lennox; it just doesn’t get any better!

5. We Danced Anyway (1996) by Deana Carter

Well they say you can’t go back

But baby I don’t believe that
Come along with me, come on and dance with me


I love how country songs tell a story, but this song is just sweet and fun.

6. The Space Between (2001) by The Dave Matthews Band

These fickle fuddled words confuse me
Like will it rain today
We waste the hours with talking, talking
These twisted games we’re playing

We’re strange allies
With warring hearts
What a wild eyed beast you be

The space between
The wicked lies we tell and hope to keep safe from the pain

Anyone who knows me (Natalie!) knows I am CRAZY about Dave Matthews and it is very hard to just pick one song from their discography because I honestly love all of them. This song got a lot of airplay, but for me it’s the unmistakable tongue twisting lyrics and message of hope that keep me coming back for more.

7. Break Me (2001) by Jewel

Feels like being underwater
Now that I’ve let go
And lost control
Water kisses fill my mouth
Water fills my soul

This song stops me in my tracks every time I hear it. I love how vulnerable, fragile and downright raw the lyrics are. It reminds me of me in the beginning of any relationship I have ever had. It takes a lot of guts to put your true self out there, but it has been worth it every time.

8. Someone Like You (2001) Van Morrison

I’ve been all around the world

Marching to the beat of a different
Drum.
But just lately I have
Realized
The best is yet to come

I helped my dad search high and low for this song because he loved it and we finally found it on the soundtrack of the same title. Cheesy movie but a classic song.

9. Starry-Eyed Surprise (2002) by Paul Oakenfold featuring Crazy Town

Once again I found myself with my friends
Dancin’ the night away it’s like the party never ends
Then again we don’t want it to stop cause
Tonight’s the night it goes sweat box, laser beams, flashin’ lights

This is my “power song” for whenever I need that extra boost to go a little bit further on the treadmill. It never fails!

10. The Book of Love (2004) by Peter Gabriel

The book of love is long and boring

And written very long ago
It’s full of flowers and heart-shaped boxes
And things we’re all too young to know

Simple melody and witty lyrics; Peter Gabriel sings with a frailty and poignancy no one else could manage. Beautiful song!

And for good measure:

11. Far Away (2005) by Nickelback

‘Cause I needed, I need to hear you say that I love you (That I love you)
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you (And I forgive you) for being away for far too long

This song occupies a very special place in my heart and I can’t get through it without crying, especially when I hear the line below. It makes me think of my parents who have been gone for far too long and are very much missed every single day.

This was an incredible writing experience and I enjoyed walking down memory lane and really thinking about why I chose each and every one of the songs above. Thank you, Mama Kat for the topic. Incidentally, I made a play list of just these songs and listened to it while I wrote this, reaffirming my selections.

The best is yet to be.

I wrote this post for Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop – Prompt #1: Soundtrack of your life – Pick 10 songs that you would have on a soundtrack for your life, pick a line from each that you most identify with and write a short statement of why this song made it.

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Filed Under: list, lyrics, mama kat's writer's workshop, music, TDA bio

Stupid @#!%^ House!!

Posted on June 9, 2010 Written by Tonya

I can see the headline now:

SAN DIEGO MOTHER STUFFS TODDLER
(AND LARGE TOY)
DOWN DRAIN PIPE.


Ever since we returned from our trip to Australia, Lucas has been waking up in the middle of the night every other night, or so needing a bottle. We thought he was just getting used to being home and the time difference, etc., so we obliged.

We are idiots!

We have been home over a month and I’m pretty sure he’s pulling one over on us now. So, three nights ago, on his birthday nevertheless, we stopped getting up with him and started to let him work it out. It was working great, until last night when I forgot to remove the latest distraction.

Meet the culprit:

The Fisher Price Laugh and Learn Learning Home


Cute enough, right? But very dangerous! It turns out if this thing,
a once thought of as the perfect birthday gift from Mommy & Daddy is within eyesight, Lucas won’t sleep. Lucas wants to play.

He was up from 1:15 – 1:45 whining and carrying on and I thought trying to go back to sleep, but when I finally went in to his room, he was sitting up in his crib with his “take me to Disneyland look” pointing at the house. I comforted him, explained that it was nighttime and that he could play with his new toy in the morning, to which he promptly rolled on to his tummy, which usually indicates he’s going to cooperate. I also removed the house from his room only to set the music off, which only ignited his desire to play with it. Stupid @#!%^ house!! A complete melt down ensues and it’s now almost 2:00 in the morning.

He was still whining at 2:15 and 2:30, upon which time I got him a bottle, cursed the world and thanked God it was at this point that Dad took over. I was so pissed!

Needless to say, we have made up (sort of), but are both sleep deprived today.

The best is yet to be.

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Filed Under: annoyances, challenges, parenting, toys

My First Guest Post

Posted on June 8, 2010 Written by Tonya

I was a little apprehensive at first when one of the editors-in-chief (Natalie of Mommy of a Monster (I Mean Toddler) and Infant Twins) asked me to write a guest post for the fabulous, not to mention new and improved mommy blogging community, Our Mommyhood. It was a lot of fun and I’ll do it again, given naps and bedtime happen in this house exactly when I want them to. Ha ha, that’ll be the day!!

Without further adieu, please enjoy Disillusions and the First-Time Mom and let me know if you can relate, think I’m crazy or just being a little too honest?!

The best is yet to be.

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Filed Under: blog, my guest posts

Just A Mom

Posted on June 8, 2010 Written by Tonya

It was one year ago today that we were discharged from the hospital with our new little bundle of joy. We were so excited to bring you home, but also couldn’t help but wonder, what are these nurses thinking, are they really going to let us take you with us?

This photo was taken moments after we arrived home.
Somehow we survived that first day and night and every day and night since then. A whole year of parenthood!

A whole year of…

onesies, burp cloths, blankets and bibs
nightly feedings [sleep deprivation]
(mis)identifying cries
buying more diapers (or batteries) than we ever thought we’d need
discussing poop
checking in on you as you sleep
hugs and kisses
trying to make you giggle
proudly introducing you [showing you off] to our family and friends
taking more pictures than ever before
figuring out how to operate all the different contraptions and how they work to carry and keep you safe
laundry
calling you everything but your name
making ridiculous sounds, noises and faces
lullabies
hanging out on the floor playing with you and your million toys
finding creative ways to keep you engaged, happy and above all quiet
love
confusion
worry
guilt
relief
surprise
bewilderment
beginning to trust our instincts

What a monumental year! Yay for us!!

Thank God the first year only lasts the first year.

Now that you are a year old, I suppose I can’t be considered a “new” mom anymore, can I?

Now, I’m just a mom. 🙂

The best is yet to be.

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Filed Under: list, milestones, motherhood, parenthood

How Fab!

Posted on June 7, 2010 Written by Tonya

Leah, my sister and fellow blogger (LA ‘n’ LA) has awarded me with the ‘”Your Blog is Fabulous” award because as one of my three faithful, day-after-day readers and commenter’s she thinks I deserve it.

Most days I do too, if I do say so myself. I’m not a skilled writer by any stretch of the imagination, but this blog has been a very very VERY good thing for me as a new mom (since Lucas just turned one, how long can I get away with calling myself a new mom? More on that later.) and has kept my psyche in check. It is my outlet, I am thankful to have it and appreciate all my readers and their comments. I excited to share this with Lucas someday.

I haven’t even gotten to the fabulous part yet!

Unlike with most blog awards, I don’t have to do a darn thing in order to accept it,(i.e. share seven things about myself with you) aside from pass it along. Easy!

I’ve given my friend Coreen awards before and I feel as though she is still worthy. If you aren’t reading her very funny, very smart and very insightful The Adventures of Captain Fussypants, Little Miss Squeak & Caleb the Wonder Dog, you are missing out! Coreen just added a beautiful new baby girl to her mix and now has even more to share. She also just revamped her blog and it is super cute.

However, if you are still interested in learning some facts about me, check out my previous recognitions here.

Thanks, Leah!

The best is yet to be.

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Filed Under: aunt leah, awards, blog

Saddest. Day. Ever.

Posted on June 7, 2010 Written by Tonya

Last week our beloved nanny told us she and her husband will be moving to Idaho at the end of the month. Needless to say, telecommuting won’t work in this particular case.

It was a very sad day in our house.

Before you judge, yes, I have a nanny and I have come to depend, rely and cherish the 10 short hours each week that she is here for me to get a million different things done without my little side kick in tow.

I find a certain salvation in our nanny, along with long walks, work outs, naps, doctor, dentist, hair, and nail appointments, lunches with my husband, friends, sister and even mother-in-law. It is the time that I need for myself to recharge, step out of the mommy role for a little bit and gain a sense of accomplishment. Not that raising my little boy doesn’t already provide that, but I’m not referring to the ‘how many bottles I made’ or ‘tantrums I lived through’ variety.

Sure, we’ll find someone else and luckily Lucas is too young to be that attached to Angel, but I certainly am, I really REALLY like her and I’m going to miss her terribly.

The best is yet to be.

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Filed Under: me time, nanny

A Onederful First Year!

Posted on June 6, 2010 Written by Tonya

Today you are one year old! While some days certainly seemed a lot longer than others, one year never went by faster!

One year old. Wow!!

Looking back on all of your monthly milestones, I am in awe. You have grown so much, learned more than I ever thought you would and are becoming your very own little wonderful person full of character and charm.

Like every other month, this was a big one full of lots of firsts; like:

  • Visiting Legoland
  • Graduating from your second Kindermusik class
  • Graduating from wearing the Doc Band (read all about our experience here)
  • Sitting forward in the car!!
  • Knowing where your belly, head and toes are
  • Picking your lovey and a favorite little stuffed monkey out from a pile of several other things
  • Can follow simple commands like, ‘go get it’ and ‘put this in there’… we are still working on ‘no’ and ‘don’t touch that’
  • When asked a ‘who’, ‘what’, ‘where’, ‘when’, or ‘why’ question, shrug your shoulders and turn your hands up. This is the most adorable thing I have ever seen a toddler do!
  • Developed a love affair with every household appliance we own… hence the reason to learn the word ‘no’!
  • Attended two more birthday parties (for a grand total of six in just your first year of life!)
  • Your eyes are still blue and I think it’s safe to say that they are going to stay that way. 🙂

We celebrated your special day yesterday at home with a BBQ, balloons, cupcakes and plenty of gifts. Your two aunts and grandparents came to visit and it was a lot of fun.

I will never forget the day you were born and how I held you in my arms until the sun came up, just staring at you in complete adoration. What a great day. Happy Birthday, son. I love you.

Your destiny is waiting and the best is always yet to be.

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Filed Under: aunt leah, grandparents, milestones, photos

A Place To Call Her Own

Posted on June 4, 2010 Written by Tonya

It’s official! Every single room in our house has baby stuff in it… Whether it is an entire diaper changing station, mounds of toys, an exersaucer, high chair, pile of blankets, you name it, it’s in there.

With family coming to visit this weekend for someone’s very special one year birthday party, reigning in the clutter has been a top priority around here, but if your home is anything like ours, one project always leads to three more and nothing really gets done.

Sure, we hung a couple of photos, made sure that there were clean sheets on the guest bed and straightened up a little, but home ownership + parenthood = projects. It’s in the handbook and it’s never ending. We’re always trying to clear out old stuff only to make room for new stuff and now there’s all this baby stuff to boot. It’s a vicious cycle, but I’m starting to repeat myself (My Stuff Has Stuff).

Amidst the attempt to organize, I have realized that I would like a space of my own. Just a quiet corner where I can sit and think (and blog!!).

Now, I know if my husband is reading this and he does occasionally, he is thinking, “what the hell is she thinking? Half of the stuff we have is hers and the other half, the baby’s!” And while he may be right, lust after these desks with me for a moment:

Brighton White Vanity/Desk – Crate and Barrel

Bedford Corner Desk Set – Pottery Barn

Bedford Small Desk Set – Pottery Barn

Eames molded plastic side chair/Moda desk and desk organizer – Room & Board

A mommy can dream, can’t she?

Have a wonderful weekend, everyone and may we all have a little space we can call our own.

The best is yet to be.

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Filed Under: me time, mess

Laughter Is The Best Medicine

Posted on June 3, 2010 Written by Tonya

I had so much fun flexing my creative side last week for Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop that I thought I’d give it another go. Let’s be honest, I also loved all the feedback! 🙂

This week, I’m tackling Prompt #1: Write about a time when you laughed at an inappropriate time.

From 2002 – 2005 I worked at a small boutique direct mail advertising agency for which I had a love/hate relationship. No other job has taken so much out of me, aside from being a mother.

As soon as I entered the office doors, I immediately fell under the spell and was captivated by the idea of “agency life”, along with the uber chic offices with ultra cool furniture, young, hip, energetic, like-minded staff and overall aura.

I soon learned that agency life wasn’t all it was cracked up to be. It’s very long hours with very little reward and no matter what, the client is always right and if the client wants to see changes to their piece and it’s 6:00 on a Friday evening, you make them and you stayed until they were acceptable. In other words, working here meant zero social life and a lot of fast food.

For the first year and a half, this fast-paced, often chaotic life style was okay by me because I had just gotten divorced, so I was able to pour myself into my job and became a machine. I often worked 10+ hour days, felt like I had finally hot my stride and was excelling professionally, but by my third year, I had grown disenchanted and the shiny offices started to lackluster, not to mention the micromanagement and annoying narcissism that was all around me. At this company, the sales team and their fierce leader ruled the roost and it was starting to get annoying.

I decided life would be better back on the client side, so I put my feelers out there and even had a couple of promising interviews. Low and behold, almost three and a half years to the day after I started, I was laid off along with 24 other employees.

I wasn’t so much shocked that I was being laid off, but in the way in which it happened. All 25 of us were summoned to the conference room and told at the same time. It was like a study in human behavior and what people do upon hearing the words, “Today is your last day here”.

I couldn’t help myself, I started cracking up. Inappropriate? Yes! Justified? Definitely! Maybe it was my nerves, anger, hurt, or the utter ridiculousness of it, but the whole thing seemed hilarious to me. One other girl, thankfully (or not) sitting across from me had the same reaction. We were in stitches and getting nothing but evil glares from the CEO as she, through tears informed us that this was “one of the hardest things she has ever had to do”. What a bunch of BS!

Other people around the table were crying and some just got mad, red in the face and started asking a lot of questions. The room was a mess!

In the end, I am grateful for the time I spent at this company and learned a lot while I was there and even still consider a few of my old co-workers good friends, but I lost a lot of respect for the upper management that day. To say that I think the way they handled the lay off was poor is an understatement. For such a small company (at the time, there were only 100 employees), they should have taken the time to talk to each of us individually.

I was thankful for the severance package and accepted a killer new job exactly four days after the lay off and you better believe it was on the client side!

The best is yet to be.

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Filed Under: career, mama kat's writer's workshop, TDA bio

I’m Losing It

Posted on June 2, 2010 Written by Tonya

Confession Time!

I hate to say it, but some mornings, I don’t want to do this. Some days, I don’t feel like being someone’s mom.

I know I sound like a terrible person and even worse mother, but I think to myself, I don’t think that I can make one more bottle, change one more diaper or prepare another meal for this kid.

I don’t know if I can sit through an episode of “Play With Me Sesame” or read one more book.

I’m not sure that I can muster the patience needed to listen to the same toys belt out their all too happy songs over and over and over again.

I know that I can’t hear myself say, “no” and “please don’t touch that” One More Time or I’m really going to lose it and God forbid you whine… that is the kiss of death!!

Sometimes I think I would rather check myself into a super fancy hotel, put on a big comfy bathrobe, order room service and LOTS OF WINE and watch movies all day long. C’mon, ladies, please tell me I’m not alone in my thinking, doesn’t that just sound like bliss?

But then…

You do something completely and utterly adorable and look at me with those eyes and I know that I have to put one foot in front of the other and be the best mom I can be because you’re my child and I want to.

The best is yet to be.

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Filed Under: a mother's guilt, challenges, confession, me time, motherhood

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