Letters For Lucas

Wonders, Mishaps, Blunders and Joy.. commentary on my life as a mom in the form of letters to my son

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Reflections Of Motherhood

Posted on September 16, 2010 Written by Tonya

Oh, sooner or later a change must come
Oh, sooner than later, we become.
Morgan Clamp


I needed to see this video today.

I needed to know that I am beautiful, imperfect is the new perfect and that this too shall pass.

I know I’m not alone.

Many of you mothers or soon to be mothers will also appreciate it.

Thanks Jen at Not Just Another Jen for posting this wonderful video on your Facebook page.
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Filed Under: change, facebook, motherhood, video

The Best Is Yet To Be

Posted on August 28, 2010 Written by Tonya

Many people have asked me where my sign off line: ‘the best is yet to be’ is from, and I actually had to do a little research.

The first place I came across it, was as a child on an anniversary card my mother gave my father. I loved the phrase so much that it stuck with me.

From time to time I would hear it in songs on the radio and see it mass produced on various merchandise, but I never really knew where it came from until now…

Rabbi ben Ezra is a poem by British poet, Robert Browning about Abraham ibn Ezra (1092-1167), one of the great poets, mathematicians and scholars of the 12th century.

The poem begins:

Grow old along with me!
The best is yet to be…

The poem in it’s entirety is below and definitely worth the read, but I warn you it’s very long.

To me, ‘the best is yet to be’ is the perfect sign off because I truly believe it. I am a hopeful person and love looking forward to events and what will be.

Another phrase I considered was: ‘what will be is now becoming‘ because when I started this blog, I was a brand new mother and I knew from Day 1, it was going to be the most difficult adjustment in my life. A process. A transformation of give and take, push and pull and that day after day, I would be bound and determined to get better at.

Each day, I hope to be a better wife, mother, sister and friend tomorrow than I am today and that I learn from each experience and take them with me as I go.

As a mother, some days are a lot more trying than others and that sometimes means taking two steps back just to make one forward, but I do it, day in and day out, always hoping for the best. Some days are stellar and those are the days I live for, ‘the best of’ days.

The days that aren’t so stellar…well, those are the days I am grateful come to an end and I get to go to bed knowing that tomorrow has to be better!

Having a child really forces you to be in the moment, which has always been a very difficult task for me, but I’m getting better at it because I have to. For Lucas’ sake and my own.

Rabbi Ben Ezra
by Robert Browning

Grow old along with me!
The best is yet to be,
The last of life, for which the first was made:
Our times are in His hand
Who saith, ‘A whole I planned,
Youth shows but half; trust God: see all, nor be
afraid!’

Not that, amassing flowers,
Youth sighed, ‘Which rose make ours,
Which lily leave and then as best recall?’
Not that, admiring stars,
It yearned, ‘Nor Jove, nor Mars;
Mine be some figured flame which blends, transcends
them all!’

Not for such hopes and fears
Annulling youth’s brief years,
Do I remonstrate: folly wide the mark!
Rather I prize the doubt
Low kinds exist without,
Finished and finite clods, untroubled by a spark.

Poor vaunt of life indeed,
Were man but formed to feed
On joy, to solely seek and find and feast;
Such feasting ended, then
As sure an end to men;
Irks care the crop-full bird? Frets doubt the
maw-crammed beast?

Rejoice we are allied
To That which doth provide
And not partake, effect and not receive!
A spark disturbs our clod;
Nearer we hold of God
Who gives, than of His tribes that take, I must believe.

Then, welcome each rebuff
That turns earth’s smoothness rough,
Each sting that bids nor sit nor stand but go!
Be our joys three-parts pain!
Strive, and hold cheap the strain;
Learn, nor account the pang; dare, never grudge
the throe!

For thence,—a paradox
Which comforts while it mocks,—
Shall life succeed in that it seems to fail:
What I aspired to be,
And was not, comforts me:
A brute I might have been, but would not sink
i’ the scale.

What is he but a brute
Whose flesh has soul to suit,
Whose spirit works lest arms and legs want play?
To man, propose this test—
Thy body at its best,
How far can that project thy soul on its lone way?

Yet gifts should prove their use:
I own the Past profuse
Of power each side, perfection every turn:
Eyes, ears took in their dole,
Brain treasured up the whole;
Should not the heart beat once ‘How good to
live and learn’?

Not once beat ‘Praise be thine!
I see the whole design,
I, who saw power, see now love perfect too:
Perfect I call thy plan:
Thanks that I was a man!
Maker, remake, complete,—I trust what Thou
shalt do!’

For pleasant is this flesh;
Our soul, in its rose-mesh
Pulled ever to the earth, still yearns for rest:
Would we some prize might hold
To match those manifold
Possessions of the brute,—gain most, as we did best!

Let us not always say,
‘Spite of this flesh to-day
I strove, made head, gained ground upon the whole!’
As the bird wings and sings,
Let us cry, ‘All good things
Are ours, nor soul helps flesh more, now, than
flesh helps soul!’

Therefore I summon age
To grant youth’s heritage,
Life’s struggle having so far reached its term:
Thence shall I pass, approved
A man, for aye removed
From the developed brute; a god though in the
germ.

And I shall thereupon
Take rest, ere I be gone
Once more on my adventure brave and new:
Fearless and unperplexed,
When I wage battle next,
What weapons to select, what armour to indue.

Youth ended, I shall try
My gain or loss thereby;
Leave the fire ashes, what survives is gold:
And I shall weigh the same,
Give life its praise or blame:
Young, all lay in dispute; I shall know, being old.

For, note when evening shuts,
A certain moment cuts
The deed off, calls the glory from the grey:
A whisper from the west
Shoots—’Add this to the rest,
Take it and try its worth: here dies another day.’

So, still within this life,
Though lifted o’er its strife,
Let me discern, compare, pronounce at last,
‘This rage was right i’ the main,
That acquiescence vain:
The Future I may face now I have proved the
Past.’

For more is not reserved
To man, with soul just nerved
To act to-morrow what he learns to-day:
Here, work enough to watch
The Master work, and catch
Hints of the proper craft, tricks of the tool’s true play.

As it was better, youth
Should strive, through acts uncouth,
Toward making, than repose on aught found made:
So, better, age, exempt
From strife, should know, than tempt
Further. Thou waitedst age: wait death nor be afraid!

Enough now, if the Right
And Good and Infinite
Be named here, as thou callest thy hand thine own,
With knowledge absolute,
Subject to no dispute
From fools that crowded youth, nor let thee feel
alone.

Be there, for once and all,
Severed great minds from small,
Announced to each his station in the Past!
Was I, the world arraigned,
Were they, my soul disdained,
Right? Let age speak the truth and give us peace
at last!

Now, who shall arbitrate?
Ten men love what I hate,
Shun what I follow, slight what I receive;
Ten, who in ears and eyes
Match me: we all surmise,
They, this thing, and I, that: whom shall my
soul believe?

Not on the vulgar mass
Called ‘work’, must sentence pass,
Things done, that took the eye and had the price;
O’er which, from level stand,
The low world laid its hand,
Found straightway to its mind, could value in a trice:

But all, the world’s coarse thumb
And finger failed to plumb,
So passed in making up the main account;
All instinct immature,
All purposes unsure,
That weighed not as his work, yet swelled
the man’s amount:

Thoughts hardly to be packed
Into a narrow act,
Fancies that broke through language and escaped;
All I could never be,
All, men ignored in me,
This, I was worth to God, whose wheel the pitcher
shaped.

Ay, note that Potter’s wheel,
That metaphor! and feel
Why time spins fast, why passive lies our clay,—
Thou, to whom fools propound,
When the wine makes its round,
‘Since life fleets, all is change; the Past gone, seize
to-day!’

Fool! All that is, at all,
Lasts ever, past recall;
Earth changes, but thy soul and God stand sure:
What entered into thee,
That was, is, and shall be:
Time’s wheel runs back or stops: Potter and clay
endure.

He fixed thee mid this dance
Of plastic circumstance,
This Present, thou, forsooth, wouldst fain arrest:
Machinery just meant
To give thy souls its bent,
Try thee and turn thee forth, sufficiently impressed.

What though the earlier grooves
Which ran the laughing loves
Around thy base, no longer pause and press?
What though about thy rim,
Skull-things in order grim
Grow out, in graver mood, obey the sterner stress?

Look not thou down but up!
To uses of a cup,
The festal board, lamp’s flash, and trumpet’s peal,
The new wine’s foaming flow,
The Master’s lips a-glow!
Thou, heaven’s consummate cup, what need’st
thou with earth’s wheel?

But I need, now as then,
Thee, God, who mouldest men;
And since, not even while the whirl was worst,
Did I—to the wheel of life
With shapes and colours rife,
Bound dizzily,—mistake my end, to slake Thy thirst:

So, take and use Thy work,
Amend what flaws may lurk,
What strain o’ the stuff, what warpings past the
aim!
My times be in Thy hand!
Perfect the cup as planned!
Let age approve of youth, and death complete
the same!

I told you it was long!!

The best is yet to be.

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Filed Under: blog, change, motherhood, poem

You Gotta Have Friends

Posted on May 12, 2010 Written by Tonya

“Friends are the family we choose for ourselves.” – Edna Buchanan


Baby “Sprinkles” are becoming very popular for second, third and subsequent babies, especially with my group of friends. I now have SIX girlfriends pregnant with their number twos. I love the idea of these low key gatherings; there’s not as much pressure or formality as with full blown Showers and the games are kept to a minimum, thank goodness!

Last night we celebrated two of my mother-to-be-again friends with a joint Sprinkle and it was a lot of fun. I hadn’t seen my friends in several weeks so it was good to catch up and reconnect. I miss them when too much time goes by without seeing their faces.

They say that friendships change once you become a mom because priorities shift and family comes first, but I honestly haven’t felt that with my core group of girlfriends. A part from not having as much one-on-one time with them as I used to, they are as encouraging and supportive as always… both the still single and looking for Mr. Right and the fellow new moms.

Sure, I’m closer to some than others, but whenever possible, I try to make time (sans baby) to spend with all of them in a group setting or a cozy lunch for two and stay guneinuely engaged in their lives and what going on in their worlds as I can via Facebook, texts, e-mails and phone calls.

I have learned over the years that friends are as essential to me as breathing.

My friends are my life line to sanity, fun, growth and understanding and provide love and support through good times and bad. We celebrate each others successes and mourn with each other over our losses. I am blessed to have such wonderful, smart, beautiful women in my life and I hope that we always stay close.

The best is yet to be.

Day 78/100

By the way, your eyes aren’t playing tricks on you, I am trying out a larger font size… Whatdaya think?

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Filed Under: change, friends, me time

Every Day Is Earth Day

Posted on April 21, 2010 Written by Tonya

I know tomorrow is Earth Day, but I will be flying over the Pacific, so I wanted to post this today.

Forty years after the first Earth Day, the world is in greater peril than ever. While climate change is the greatest challenge of our time, it also presents the greatest opportunity – to build a healthy, prosperous, clean energy economy now and for the future.

Let this Earth Day inspire you to do something to reduce your carbon footprint. Even if it means taking baby steps, there are plenty of things we can do to make a difference.

Listed here are ten simple things you can do to reduce your carbon footprint on Earth Day.

1. For one day, eat no disposable food items or beverages. Add to that no paper plates, plastic utensils or other disposable dinnerware. We all have cupboards full of dishes and glasses that we pass on when we grab a paper plate for that quick snack. For just one day, pass on the paper products.

2. Pay your bills online. And while you are at it, opt for receiving your billing statements by e-mail instead of snail mail.

3. Adjust the thermostat. Cut back on your heating and air conditioning by lowering your thermostat in the winter and moving it up a notch or two in the summer. Just a couple degrees in either direction can really make a difference in your energy use.

4. Cook one meal entirely from organic non-processed ingredients. It’s easier than you think and will be healthier in the process.

5. Lose the plastic water bottles. These leave a huge carbon footprint. Purchase a reusable bottle or canteen for your water.

6. Change your light bulbs. Purchase compact florescent light bulbs instead of incandescent light bulbs. The compact florescent bulbs use less energy and last longer. According to the EPA, “An ENERGY STAR qualified compact fluorescent light bulb (CFL) will save about $30 over its lifetime and pay for itself in about 6 months. It uses 75% less energy and lasts about 10 times longer than an incandescent bulb.”

7. Only use your clothes washer, washing machine and dishwasher when they are completely full. Using them fully loaded means you utilize them less thus using less energy. Think of it as doing less loads of laundry and fewer times to unload the dishwasher.

8. Read the newspaper online. By doing this you use less paper and save trees.

9. Use a laptop instead of a desktop model computer. Buy using a laptop computer your energy savings could range from 50 to 80 percent.

10. Unplug your phone charger when not in use. This applies to other appliances as well. Many plugged in appliances continue to draw energy even when not in use.

In our home we practice at least six of the above actions on a day to day basis and one I’d add is using reuseable bags. I made it a New Year’s resolution and now it’s a habit. It is little, simple changes that can make a big impact.

I sincerely hope by the time you are old enough to read this that Mother Earth is in much better shape than she is today.

The best is yet to be.

Day 57/100

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Filed Under: change, current events

The Most Important Meal Of The Day

Posted on April 20, 2010 Written by Tonya

After my post, Worst Mother Of The Year, I realize now that I should be keeping an on going list of things that I swore I wouldn’t as a new mom. Something tells me it is going to get worse before it gets better…

Today’s act actually shocked me.

Okay, “shocked” is a bit of an exaggeration.

You wanted nothing to do with your high chair or bananas and cereal so, I followed you around the living room with your breakfast in order to get you to eat it. It worked… for you and made me mad at myself. While I do believe that breakfast is the most important meal of the day and I’m happy that I found a way to get you to eat it, I don’t want to start a bad habit.

This got me thinking about some of the other things I have done as a mother (so far) that I’m not proud of:

  • Letting you play with my iPhone.
  • Talking entirely too much about poop… color, texture, size. Blech!
  • Leaving you sleeping in the car (gulp!) while I ran into pick up my dry cleaning, a sandwich and pay for gas. Not all at the same time.
  • Putting you in a shopping cart without a seat protector.
  • Wiping your nose and then wiping my hand clean on the jeans that I’ve been wearing for three days in a row.
  • See above about the jeans. I have worked my butt off to get back into my pre-pregnancy jeans and am proud to say that I now weigh what I did at my first OB appointment, but I live in yoga pants, tank tops and hoodies. I hardly ever wear make up and most of the time, I smell like you. I never thought I’d let myself go.

Before becoming a mother, I had many ideas and ideals about motherhood being the perfect mother. I thought that some moms were just lazy, ill-informed or both and that I was clever enough to break the cycle. I was going to break new ground. It didn’t take long to learn that all those impressions I had were going to go right out the window.

I know that once I let go of these ideals and stop trying to be perfect, I will relax enough to enjoy my son and be the mother I was meant to be.

For all you moms out there, what did you always vow that you’d never do as a parent, but find yourself doing today?

By the way, stay tuned, the list above is sure to grow. 🙂

The best is yet to be.

Day 56/100

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Filed Under: a mother's guilt, change, motherhood

It’s Not All About Me

Posted on April 17, 2010 Written by Tonya

Motherhood is based on many challenges and I know that my journey has only just begun, but having said that, I am enjoying the ride too. I do, however, have a few complaints:

  • I didn’t have a child to have finger prints all over my glass doors, windows and walls.
  • I don’t appreciate changing countless diapers, especially the stinking, smelly ones!
  • We don’t have a dog, so the Cheerios, puffs, tiny pieces of cheese, chicken, carrots and whatever else you decide to throw on the floor are not fun to pick up.
  • It never used to take me twice as long to get out of the house, but with as much gear as you require, even the simplest outings can be painstakingly difficult.
  • I never really minded doing laundry once a week, but now it’s never-ending! There are so many piles that I’m starting to feel sorry for the washer and dryer.
  • Before I had a child, I used to think I was busy. What a laugh!
  • Call it my post-pregnancy brain or just the fact that you go through A LOT of stuff, but seriously, how many times can one person visit the grocery store in a week? I think my record is five!
  • Can someone please explain to me how a 10 month old’s nails grow so fast? And I will not take “calcium” as an answer!
  • Scheduled date nights? Really?
  • I didn’t ask for any of the guilt, lack of energy, worry or anxiety.
  • I used to love our home, but now that you have taken up every. single. room., coupled with the fact that we spend entirely too much time here, I want to redo it from top to bottom or move.
  • No matter how hard this job gets, I can’t quit.
  • It’s not all about me.

ON THE OTHER HAND, motherhood is full of wonderful blessings and benefits too:

  • I never knew my heart could hold so much love.
  • No one has ever looked at me/right through me like you have.
  • I have discovered that I am a lot stronger than I thought… physically and emotionally. Any mom that can hold a child in one arm, while feeding them a bottle, collapse a stroller with the other, have an over sized diaper bag around their neck stepping on to an airplane without assistance has to have super powers, right?!
  • I didn’t think I could life in the moment or roll with the punches as well as I do. You can cry one minute and laugh the next. You love the feeling of the wind, touching plants and trees and playing peek-a-boo. Your natural appreciation and wonder at the world is good for my soul too.
  • I never thought I’d hear myself sing so many silly songs so off key. I appreciate tapping into my creative side.
  • The moms I have met since becoming one myself are some of the kindest, most generous and understanding woman I have ever met. I am proud to be a member of this elite club.
  • I love it whenever you see me, you smile bigger than anyone ever has before.
  • I love your dad more than ever and can’t believe that together we created a whole life…from scratch.
  • It’s not all about me.

The hardest part of motherhood by far is soaking up the good parts without obsessing about the bad and above all being patient with myself. I am a work in progress.

The best is yet to be.

Day 53/100

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Filed Under: challenges, change, motherhood

Adjustment Period

Posted on April 3, 2010 Written by Tonya

As I shared in my post, Happy Anticipation, I had a perfect pregnancy with none of the usual symptoms; no morning sickness, food cravings or aversions, heartburn, constipation, bloating, swollen feet or pregnancy brain… until now!

I think our bodies and minds are still in a state of shock the nine months or so after delivery because my post pregnancy brain is in full swing. I forget EVERYTHING! I have always been a list maker, but since I became a mother, I sometimes make two, having completely forgotten about the first one. I miss friends birthdays, walk into stores and can’t remember why I’m there, misplace things and feel like I’m in either in slow motion or on fast forward most of the time.

According to an article I read in the latest issue of FitPregnancy, many experts attribute the sluggishness to to the hormonal upheaval that inevitably occurs after childbirth. Shannon Seip, co-author of Momnesia thinks sleep deprivation is just as much a factor.

I am completely exhausted at the end of the day and definitely earn the eight plus hours of horizontal time I get, so that can’t be it in my case.

The article goes on to say that the huge learning curve of taking care of a newborn also contributes. “You’re gathering so much new information, so worried about simply keeping your baby alive and well-fed that it consumes your brain,” Seip explains.

Now, this I can identify with, but for me it’s more than just keeping you alive, it’s keeping you entertained and engaged as well. I especially find myself obsessed with your toys and wondering (worrying) if you’ve outgrown some of them.

While research shows the fogginess can last up to a year after having a baby, many woman start to see at least some improvement once they adjust to their new lives. Adjust to their new lives, huh? Hmmm… I wonder what the research says about how long it takes to adjust to motherhood? One year? Six? 18?

The best is yet to be.

Day 39/100

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Filed Under: change, motherhood, pregnancy

Wonderful, Exhausting Motherhood

Posted on March 25, 2010 Written by Tonya

“It’d be nice if something made sense every once in a while” – Alice

How long am I considered a “new” mother? Sometimes I don’t feel like I am any more experienced today than I was nine months ago. Sure, I know a few more things, but I am by no means a pro.

My son has been sleeping through the night for months, but how long does my sleep deprivation last? I am tired all the time! Last night I went to bed to sleep at 8:30 and tonight will be similar, I’m sure. I’m “on” all the time, so the minute my head hits the pillow, I’m out!

I love talking candidly with my fellow “new” mom friends about the frustrations that come with our roles and how every day is so utterly mundane, yet also so vastly different from the next. I have found that not all mothers will talk so openly about how hard this is, so it’s refreshing to find someone that will. Thanks, Jenn, if you are reading this. I love our walks and talks. We need to be able to vent and be open and honest about our feelings. I do, anyway. It revives me and lets me know that I’m not alone in this crazy wonderful, exhausting thing called motherhood.

I love how Debra Gilbert Rosenberg describes motherhood in her book The New Mom’s Companion: Care for Yourself While You Care for Your Newborn:

“New mothers enter the world of parenting feeling much like Alice in Wonderland.

  • Being a mother is one of the most rewarding jobs on earth and also one of the most challenging.
  • Motherhood is a process. Learn to love the process.
  • There is a tremendous amount of learning that takes place in the first year of your baby’s life; the baby learns a lot, too.
  • It is sometimes difficult to reconcile the fantasy of what you thought motherhood would be like, and what you thought you would be like as a mother, with reality.
  • Take care of yourself. If Mommy isn’t happy, no one else in the family is happy either.
  • New mother generally need to lower their expectations.
  • A good mother learns to love her child as he is and adjusts her mothering to suit her child.”

Nothing else in my life has changed me the way motherhood has, not going away to college, not getting married, not losing a loved one. It’s completely shocking and there is a lot that no one tells you about motherhood before you experience it for yourself. It is one of life’s greatest mysteries and yet, if we are lucky, we all do it.

I forge ahead knowing that the best is yet to be.

Day 30/100

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Filed Under: change, friends, motherhood, quotes

The Gift Of An Ordinary Day

Posted on January 22, 2010 Written by Tonya

My mother-in-law sent me this beautiful video today of best-selling author Katrina Kenison reading to a group from her latest book, The Gift Of An Ordinary Day: A Mother’s Memoir.

Please don’t be discouraged by the length; it’s a little over seven minutes long, but worth every single one.

May we all embrace the gift of an ordinary day.

The best is yet to be.

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Filed Under: change, e-mail, parenting, video, warm fuzzy

No Phone Zone Pledge

Posted on January 19, 2010 Written by Tonya

Millions of people text, talk or e-mail on their cell phones while driving—a recent survey finds that 71% of people between the ages of 18 and 49 admit they text or talk on the phone while they drive.

If you think you can call, text and drive at the same time, you cannot. That message you can’t wait to send could kill. Distracted driving is an epidemic that is sweeping through our country, claiming lives and destroying families.

California’s text-messaging law went into effect on January 1, 2009 making it illegal for drivers to use wireless devices to send, receive or read electronic files while on the road. I have been breaking the law since January 1, 2009. I don’t know how lucky I have been.

Yesterday’s Oprah Winfrey show was very sobering, to say the least. I just watched it on TiVo and I’m still shocked and moved to make a change.

One of the mother’s featured on the show said it best, “Get off the phone. Save a life. Don’t talk and drive,” she says. “You’ve got precious cargo in that car. Your life. Your children’s life. They are not worth a phone call, a text, an e-mail. It’s not worth it.” She lost her nine-year old daughter when an SUV hit her. Police say that the driver had recently finished a phone call at the time of the accident. “The driver said: ‘I’m so sorry. I didn’t see her,'”

You are my precious cargo and today, I pledge to make my car a No Phone Zone. Beginning right now, I will do my part to help put an end to distracted driving by not texting or using my phone while I am driving. I will ask other drivers I know to do the same. I pledge to make a difference.

I encourage you to take this pledge too!

The best is yet to be.

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Filed Under: change, safety

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