Letters For Lucas

Wonders, Mishaps, Blunders and Joy.. commentary on my life as a mom in the form of letters to my son

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Minding My Ps & Qs

Posted on May 17, 2010 Written by Tonya

I can swear like a sailor and I know that it is an ugly trait.

For me, cursing has become somewhat of a habit, whether it’s out of anger, frustration or to emphasize a point, sometimes there is just no substitute for a “hell”, “shit” or “damn” (or worse).

And the worst part is that I am so used to using these four letter expletives that I don’t even notice it anymore. Yikes! Well, I suppose the first step is admitting that I have a problem, right?

I have tried (half-heatedly) to temper my use of profanity since becoming a mother, but it isn’t easy and replacement words like “frick” and “darn” just sound ridiculous and aren’t quite as powerful.

I know it won’t be long before you are repeating everything you hear and that’s not going to be pretty. Maybe I should remind myself how awful I am going to feel if I hear this nasty talk coming out of your mouth knowing that you learned it from me, or I could put a dollar in a jar each time a bad word escapes my mouth? Bet that adds up fast! Perhaps learning how to express myself in a more productive and positive manner is the answer. Oh hell, wish me luck!

The best is yet to be.

Day 83/100

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Mr. Friendly

Posted on May 15, 2010 Written by Tonya

When we go out to dinner, Lucas likes to hold court from his high chair by waving and smiling at everyone that passes our table. Waiters, beware!

It’s hard to believe and even harder to explain to an 11 month old that not everyone that comes in contact with him is a “baby person”. More often than not, people will stop and say hello, but if they don’t he is bound and determined to get a smile, at the very least.

I love it.

You are our little Mr. Friendly; warm, bubbly and generous. Nothing brings me more joy than people telling us how happy you are. I hope that these are qualities that you always possess.

You were in a particularly good mood last night and picked up dinner for your two doting parents, who are VERY much baby people. 🙂


The best is yet to be.

Day 81/100

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Filed Under: character, photos, silly

You Win

Posted on March 26, 2010 Written by Tonya

We’ve had some trying times lately, you and I…in particular Wednesday and today. It seems as though you’re on an every other day schedule; a good day followed by a bad day. A battle of wills, if you will.

Your witching hours are between 4:00 PM – 6:00 PM. These two hours make me literally and figuratively pull my hair out and stuff you down a drain pipe.

Even at nine and a half months old, you have a mind of your own and at almost 38, you better believe that I do too! More often than not, however, you win. Hands down, you win way more than I do.

I try to do what’s best for you when it comes to… EVERYTHING; from naps, feeding, play and bath time, changing, packaging you up in the car for an outing to a host of a zillion other activities, but if you and I aren’t on the same wave length, this mommy better watch out! She is going to lose 9.5 times out of 10.

You win so many rounds that I have stopped keeping score. I think it’s something like 9956 to 21, which doesn’t change the fact that I do know what’s best for you. Whether you think so or not.

Now that you are mobile and a lot more independent and patience can’t be bought, a lot more wine is going to need to be purchased.

Today, we hosted our first Mommy & Me play group and it was a lot of fun. Afterward, you were exhausted and fell asleep for exactly 28 minutes. When you woke up, you were very irritable and nothing would make you happy, so at wits end I put you in the car and drove you around for over an hour in Friday going home traffic while you slept and I got some much needed peace and quiet. I’d say I won that round, would you? Hmmmm…maybe not, I did mention the peace and quiet, didn’t I?

Alas, there are moments that make it all worth while, like this, when we are one. Calm, quiet, connected and in sych. I live for these moments.


The best is yet to be.

Day 31/100

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Filed Under: character, motherhood, parenting

What’s Your Sign?

Posted on February 18, 2010 Written by Tonya

“We need not feel ashamed of flirting with the zodiac. The zodiac is well worth flirting with.” – D.H. Lawrence

According to Wikipedia, my favorite go-to Web site for detailed descriptions, definitions and history, horoscope, in astrology, is a chart or diagram representing the positions of the Sun, Moon, planets, the astrological aspects, and sensitive angles at the time of an event, such as the moment of a person’s birth. The word horoscope is derived from Greek words meaning “a look at the hours” (horoskopos, pl. horoskopoi, or “marker(s) of the hour”). Other commonly used names for the horoscope in English include astrological chart, astro-chart, celestial map, sky-map, star-chart, cosmogram, vitasphere, radical chart, radix, chart wheel, or simply chart.

It is used as a method of divination regarding events relating to the point in time it represents and forms the basis of the horoscopic traditions of astrology. However, no studies have shown any scientific support for the accuracy of horoscopes, and the methods used to make interpretations are, at best, pseudo-scientific.

I enjoy reading my horoscope from time to time, you can’t pick up a magazine or newspaper without coming across it, but I don’t put much stock into it. It is usually too vague to have any significance to me or what is going on in my life at any given moment. I do, however, find it interesting that some of the characteristics of a Cancer (June 21 – July 22), which happens to be my sign, I really do possess.

The symbol for Cancer is a crab and crabs live in the inter-tidal zone of the ocean, where tides rise and fall twice every day. Because of the constant change, Cancer develop a hard outer shell for protection. Cancer can use the hard outer shell of our home as protection. But it’s more than just that. Typically, sensitive Cancer can hold feelings quietly behind our own walls.

Crabs also have large pinching claws, and Cancer can hold onto things, especially from the past. Cancer are fiercely loyal and have a difficult time letting go. But Cancer are also quick to bring those you love inside the safety of your outer shell while you nurture them. Cancer love is protective, but unless tempered, can be smothering.

Cancer motto could be, “A good defense is the best offense.” Like a Crab in its cave, our attack can consist of baiting our opponent into our territory. What appears to be a retreat to others can be your best aggressive tactic. As we feel our way through life, building our security by developing your home and family relationships, remember that unexpressed anger can turn into resentment and depression, so find someone you can trust and share your feelings.

Yep, that pretty much describes me to a T!

You are a Gemini (May 21 – June 20) and the onesie that I bought for you before you were born and are wearing in the photo above says: “Born curious but keeps you guessing”, which is cute and in your case very true. Your mood can change on a dime, but you are extremely focused and taking it all in. This frightens me a little and made me want to do a little further investigation into your sign.

From what I have read, Gemini go everywhere together, hand-in-hand, symbolizing your dual nature. Our world comes in pairs: good and evil, male and female, in and out, yin and yang — and you Geminis are living proof. Some might say Gemini are an entanglement of paradoxes, but the truth is that Gemini have an easy acceptance of opposites. Gemini world is one of duality. Gemini can like this and that, one thing and its opposite. It’s like you see your world through a radio and Gemini can tune experiences and points of view in and out as your interests change.

You Geminis are curious, talkative, versatile and mentally active. Your mind can bounce around from one topic to another with great ease, making Gemini the champion of cocktail party chatter and lighthearted social encounters. Others will think that Gemini are fun to be with, but your ability to change with the changing winds can also lead others to see Gemini as shallow.

Gemini motto might be “A rolling stone gathers no moss.” You are the eternally youthful child, no matter your chronological age. A razor-sharp wit can have you verbally dueling with the very best of opponents, who moments later are your best of friends. As you fly through life, don’t forget to take time to smell the flowers.

If this is true, could your dad and I could be in big trouble? Soccer one minute and piano the next? Knock-down drag outs over your freedom or lack there of? Oh boy… I suppose things could be worse.

What’s your sign? Do you read your horoscope? Do you believe the characteristics assigned to your sign? What has been your experience with raising a child with a different (or same) sign than you or your spouse?

The best is yet to be.

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Filed Under: character, quotes

An American Hero

Posted on January 19, 2010 Written by Tonya

I meant to post this yesterday on the United States Federal holiday marking the birth date of Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. was a vital figure of the modern era. His lectures and dialogues stirred the concern and sparked the conscience of a generation. The movements and marches he led brought significant changes in the fabric of American life through his courage and selfless devotion. This devotion gave direction to thirteen years of civil rights activities. His charismatic leadership inspired men and women, young and old, in this nation and around the world.

Dr. King’s concept of “somebodiness,” which symbolized the celebration of human worth and the conquest of subjugation, gave black and poor people hope and a sense of dignity. His philosophy of nonviolent direct action, and his strategies for rational and non-destructive social change, galvanized the conscience of this nation and reordered its priorities. His wisdom, his words, his actions, his commitment, and his dream for a new way of life are intertwined with the American experience.

Dr. King was a pivotal figure in the Civil Rights Movement and he was killed for being outspoken.

Dr. King was shot while standing on the balcony of the Lorraine Motel in Memphis, Tennessee on April 4, 1968. He was only 39 years old. Dr. King was in Memphis to help lead sanitation workers in a protest against low wages and intolerable working conditions. James Earl Ray was arrested in London, England on June 8, 1968, and returned to Memphis, Tennessee on July 19, 1969 to stand trial for the assassination of Dr. King. On March 9, 1969, before coming to trial, he entered a guilty plea and was sentenced to ninety-nine years in the Tennessee State Penitentiary.

Dr. King’s “I Have a Dream” speech was delivered August 28, 1963 at the Lincoln Memorial in Washington D.C. It was not only his most famous speech, but is one of the top speeches ever given. It is a beautiful speech and if you have never read it in it’s entirety, I urge you to do so.

Here is an excerpt:

I have a dream today!

I have a dream that one day, down in Alabama, with its vicious racists, with its governor having his lips dripping with the words of “interposition” and “nullification” — one day right there in Alabama little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls as sisters and brothers.

I have a dream today!

I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, and every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made plain, and the crooked places will be made straight; “and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed and all flesh shall see it together.”

The best is yet to be and I believe in dream.

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Filed Under: character, holidays

Do You Know Where Your Strength Comes From?

Posted on September 19, 2009 Written by Tonya

Strength. There’s physical strength and then there’s the emotional or mental kind. It’s an interesting attribute, isn’t it? I’ve had a lot of time over the last 23 months to think about my inner strength.

For a long time after my parents died and even now sometimes, people say to me “you’re so being so strong”, “I can’t believe how strong you are”, “I admire your strength” and it makes me wonder where it comes from. I think we all have it, to some degree. What we choose to do with it, that’s a different story.

When I think back to those first few days after I found out my parents were gone, I was conscious of having to make a choice. If I didn’t get out of bed, eat, take a shower, put on make-up, go to work, participate, stand around the water cooler and discuss last night’s episode of Grey’s Anatomy with my co-workers, go out and be alive, etc., etc., what was the alternative?!? For me, the alternative was to curl up in a little ball and sleep my days away. After all, I was in a nightmare. I have never hurt so much before in my life, but I knew well enough to NOT let myself go; that I HAD to keep putting one foot in front of the other….slowly, unsteadily, but steadfastly. I HAD to simply take each minute as it came and just breathe as deeply as I could to prevent myself from breaking a part. I had to keep it together for my new marriage and my younger sister. I had to dig deep down and be as strong as I had ever been before.

I know for sure that the way we each deal with tragedy and loss is different for everyone and there is no right or wrong way to handle it. The waves of emotions are constricting, substantial and very very real.

One of my greatest escapes during those first few days and weeks (besides many glasses of wine) was TV and I think it was during this time period that I really got hooked on the TV show One Tree Hill. At one point my sister had all of the seasons on DVD and we would watch them together back-to-back-to-back. In the episode entitled Things I Forgot At Birth, this passage really spoke to me:

There are moments in our lives when we find ourselves at a crossroad, afraid, confused, without a road map. The choices we make in those moments can define the rest of our days. Of course when faced with the unknown, most of us prefer to turn around and go back. But once in a while, people push on to something better, something found just beyond the pain of going it alone, and just beyond the bravery and courage it takes to let someone in, or give someone a second chance, something beyond the quiet persistence of a dream. Because it’s only when you’re tested, that you discover who you are, that you discover who you can be. The person you can be does exist, beyond the hard work, faith, belief, and beyond the heartache, and fear of what lies ahead. – Season 4, Episode #402, Things I Forgot At Birth, Voice over by Lucas Scott (Chad Michael Murray)

I don’t remember the specifics of the episode now, but the message of being tested in order to discover who you are and who you can be was very profound at the time and still is today. I have most definitely been tested in my life and while I feel like I am still discovering who I am and who I want to be, I believe I’m on the right track.

I hope that I am able to teach you how to be strong in your darkest hours and that you always choose to press on and move forward, good days and bad.

The best is yet to be.

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Filed Under: character, TDA bio

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