Letters For Lucas

Wonders, Mishaps, Blunders and Joy.. commentary on my life as a mom in the form of letters to my son

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Sisters

Posted on September 25, 2009 Written by Tonya

As far back as I can remember, my wish on every shooting star and every candle I blew out on a birthday cake, I asked for a little sister. Finally, almost 12 years later, I got one!!

I can’t believe my sister, Leah is 25 years old now. I tell her every year on her birthday that I remember the day she was born as if it were yesterday. It was a great day. I can vividly recall driving to and from the hospital (our mother had been induced on Monday, March 5) with our dad as he played out loud with different girl’s names: Kara Leah, Leah Kara, Kara Alexandra. It was a special time. Leah Alexandra finally made her arrival on Wednesday, March 7; and as I anxiously waited for news in our mother’s recovery room, I had my Walkman on listening to Paul McCartney’s Pipes of Peace and the moment I heard you were born, the song The Man played. I love these lyrics:

And it’s just the way he thought it would be
’cause the day has come for him to be free
then he laughs, he kicks and rolls up his sleeves
I’m alive and I’m here forever
This is the man

I think it’s the line, I’m alive and here forever in particular that stood out to me because it is such a strong declaration and at that very moment, a new wonderful little person was being brought into our world and she wasn’t going to go anywhere, she was here forever.

Aside from a few babysitting jobs in middle school, most of my experience with babies comes from having a little sister. I had held a baby before Leah, but she was my first diaper change, burp, bath, and feeding. I learned a lot about parenting and babies by helping our mom and dad care for little Leah and I enjoyed every minute, even the late nights of babysitting. After all, to me she was a living doll.

Over the years the age difference between us has either seemed far too great or has actually felt like it has shortened. Today, we have more in common than you might think and laugh at the same jokes. As completely frustrating as my little sister may be at times, I honestly don’t know what I would do without her in my life. She has a heart of gold, is honest and true and has a naivete that will melt your heart.

I have definitely struggled with being Leah’s surrogate parent over the years, but know that now, I’m all she has and vice versa. We are family. I worry about her just like a parent would, but know that it is okay for her to make mistakes as she finds her way in this world.

Your aunt Leah just spent a week with us and not only is she amazing with you, she’s really fun to be around. It was SO nice to have another set of hands, eyes, and ears to help out and we already miss her. Lucas, you are so lucky to have such a wonderful role model in your life and I’m really looking forward to her living closer next year!

The best is yet to be.

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Filed Under: TDA bio, warm fuzzy

Creature Of Habit

Posted on September 22, 2009 Written by Tonya

When it comes to food, I am such a creature of habit. I know what I like and I have it over and over and over again, which means there’s not a lot of variety in my diet.

I have the exact same thing for breakfast every single day: toasted whole wheat English muffin with peanut butter, string cheese and a Granny Smith, not a Macintosh, not a Red Delicious, not a Pink Lady, a Granny Smith apple. I can be very irritable if I am out of any one of these items and have been known to drive to the nearby 7 Eleven to get peanut butter. I love my little meal. It’s the perfect combination of carbohydrates, fiber, dairy and protein. I am a big fan of breakfast foods, but only if I go out will I deviate from my menu.

Sandwiches are my preferred lunch and I have been coined “sandwich girl” by more than one friend. I probably eat at Subway at least three times a week and I order the exact same thing every time I’m there: six inch sub on wheat with turkey, Provolone cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, green peppers, red onions, cucumbers, mustard and a little mayonnaise. It fills me up and never lets me down.

As you can imagine, over the years, I have taken a lot of heat for my culinary choices, but I don’t care. I stick with what I know and enjoy and don’t see any reason to change.

I will eat other things…for dinner. I enjoy colorful salads chocked full of veggies, thin crust pizza, sushi that’s not too fishy, the spicier the better Mexican food, angel hair pasta with chicken and spinach and I’d never turn down a big juicy cheeseburger. Thanks to your dad, dinner is when I really mix it up. If it weren’t for him, I’d probably have a bowl of cereal or another Subway sandwich every night. Obviously, I don’t cook. I have never been comfortable in the kitchen. Your dad, on the other hand, is very comfortable in the kitchen and makes us all sorts of yummy creative dishes and we have a great system, he cooks and I clean.

I’ve taken several cooking classes so I do know some kitchen basics and can make a couple of meals but nothing without a recipe in front of me. I find it fascinating when people can throw a meal together by adding a little of this and that and it comes out tasting delicious. I don’t posses that level of confidence when it comes to assembling a meal. Don’t worry though, you won’t starve once you start eating solid foods, there’s wonderful “kid food” (chicken tenders, mac and cheese and hot dogs). All stuff I can handle, even though I will expose you to all different types of cuisine. With my luck, you’ll probably end up being a foodie* with way more refined tastes than your mother’s.

Bon Appétit!

………………………………………………………………………….

As boring and bland as my diet may be, not too long ago I read an article outlining six reasons to eat the same thing every day and I’d like to share them here:

1. It Makes Shopping Easier and More Cost Predictable: Eating the same foods every week allows you to budget properly for groceries and in the end, makes shopping faster and easier.

2. It Makes Weight Loss or Maintenance a Lot Easier: Whether you want to maintain weight or lose weight, eating consistently the same things can make reaching your goals a lot easier.

3. Knowing Your Body: Eating the same foods helps you understand your body and how it reacts to foods. When you eat new or atypical foods, you will be able to hone in on what foods make you feel too full, gassy, not full enough, etc. Further, it will also give you insights into how your body reacts to chemicals, preservatives and spices. If you eat healthy most of the time, your body will expect that, and so, if you throw it a curve ball, it will let you know whether or not it likes it.

4. It Makes Cooking a Lot Easier: I use whole foods or ingredients and don’t try to get overly complicated.

5. Greater Appreciation for Off-Days: Having a routine for meals makes dining out or those times you do get creative in the kitchen all the more meaningful. New dishes and flavors have much more significance and tend to taste extra scrumptious.

6. Healthy Behavior on Off-Days: If you find the optimal ‘formula’ from #1 above, you will have a good baseline for when you don’t eat the same foods. You will become very accustomed to how much of what kinds of foods you need and will be able to use that as a guide for the days you digress.

(Brett’s Blog: 6 Reasons to Eat the Same Thing Every Day June 1, 2009 by Brett Blumenthal)

*Foodie is an informal term for a particular class of aficionado of food and drink. The word was coined in 1981 by Paul Levy and Ann Barr, who used it in the title of their 1984 book The Official Foodie Handbook. – From Wikipedia

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Filed Under: cooking, TDA bio Tagged With: cooking, TDA bio

Do You Know Where Your Strength Comes From?

Posted on September 19, 2009 Written by Tonya

Strength. There’s physical strength and then there’s the emotional or mental kind. It’s an interesting attribute, isn’t it? I’ve had a lot of time over the last 23 months to think about my inner strength.

For a long time after my parents died and even now sometimes, people say to me “you’re so being so strong”, “I can’t believe how strong you are”, “I admire your strength” and it makes me wonder where it comes from. I think we all have it, to some degree. What we choose to do with it, that’s a different story.

When I think back to those first few days after I found out my parents were gone, I was conscious of having to make a choice. If I didn’t get out of bed, eat, take a shower, put on make-up, go to work, participate, stand around the water cooler and discuss last night’s episode of Grey’s Anatomy with my co-workers, go out and be alive, etc., etc., what was the alternative?!? For me, the alternative was to curl up in a little ball and sleep my days away. After all, I was in a nightmare. I have never hurt so much before in my life, but I knew well enough to NOT let myself go; that I HAD to keep putting one foot in front of the other….slowly, unsteadily, but steadfastly. I HAD to simply take each minute as it came and just breathe as deeply as I could to prevent myself from breaking a part. I had to keep it together for my new marriage and my younger sister. I had to dig deep down and be as strong as I had ever been before.

I know for sure that the way we each deal with tragedy and loss is different for everyone and there is no right or wrong way to handle it. The waves of emotions are constricting, substantial and very very real.

One of my greatest escapes during those first few days and weeks (besides many glasses of wine) was TV and I think it was during this time period that I really got hooked on the TV show One Tree Hill. At one point my sister had all of the seasons on DVD and we would watch them together back-to-back-to-back. In the episode entitled Things I Forgot At Birth, this passage really spoke to me:

There are moments in our lives when we find ourselves at a crossroad, afraid, confused, without a road map. The choices we make in those moments can define the rest of our days. Of course when faced with the unknown, most of us prefer to turn around and go back. But once in a while, people push on to something better, something found just beyond the pain of going it alone, and just beyond the bravery and courage it takes to let someone in, or give someone a second chance, something beyond the quiet persistence of a dream. Because it’s only when you’re tested, that you discover who you are, that you discover who you can be. The person you can be does exist, beyond the hard work, faith, belief, and beyond the heartache, and fear of what lies ahead. – Season 4, Episode #402, Things I Forgot At Birth, Voice over by Lucas Scott (Chad Michael Murray)

I don’t remember the specifics of the episode now, but the message of being tested in order to discover who you are and who you can be was very profound at the time and still is today. I have most definitely been tested in my life and while I feel like I am still discovering who I am and who I want to be, I believe I’m on the right track.

I hope that I am able to teach you how to be strong in your darkest hours and that you always choose to press on and move forward, good days and bad.

The best is yet to be.

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For My Broken Heart

Posted on August 31, 2009 Written by Tonya

The last time I saw my parents alive was the day after my wedding, Sunday, August 5, 2007.

My sister and I choose to remember them most on October 15, the day we were notified of their passing.

Sometime between Friday, October 12, 2007 at 8:00 PM and Saturday, October 13, 2007 at 8:00 AM they died of carbon monoxide poisoning.

They were 61 and 58 respectively…too young to die.

My parents lived overseas and dedicated their lives to working at American international schools around the globe for 28 years. My father was the principal of a kindergarten through 12th grade school in Tunis, Tunisia and my mother was a third grade teacher. They died in Tunisia.

For those of you who don’t know, carbon monoxide is odorless, colorless and is the second-leading cause of poisoning deaths in the U.S. Carbon monoxide poisoning claims nearly 500 lives and another 15,000 require emergency room treatment. It can kill you before you know it because you can’t see it, smell it, or taste it. A water heater vent was damaged in my parent’s kitchen and it emitted carbon monoxide into their home killing them.

It’s hard to be the one left behind to pick up the pieces, ask the unanswerable questions and it’s ridiculous to walk around angry at an inanimate object.

Most of the time I just feel robbed.

My parents were anything but done with this life.One week to the day before their bodies were found, they had decided to retire and return to their stateside home in Arizona. They were anxious to see my sister, Leah who had recently graduated from college, start her life and begin building a career, they looked forward to us both having grandchildren (they would have been amazing grandparents and would have completely adored and doted on Lucas and had a long list of things they wanted to do to their home and trips they were excited to take. It’s unfair that they were taken from us too soon. I miss them every single day and ache to hear their voices again.

I’m mostly sorry that my son will never get to meet them in the physical sense.

I hope between me, my sister, my husband and others that knew them well, Lucas will know them in a different way.

Sometimes bad things happen to good people, but I will forever believe that the best is yet to be.

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Filed Under: carbon monoxide poisoning, difficult subjects, family, grief, KRA, loss, MSA, TDA bio Tagged With: carbon monoxide poisoning, difficult subjects, family, grief, KRA, loss, MSA, TDA bio

Have Passport, Will Travel

Posted on August 29, 2009 Written by Tonya

One of the most interesting things about me is that from ages 7-17, I lived overseas. No, I’m not a military brat, just a brat. 🙂 Actually, my parents worked in American international schools for 28 years. For 10 of those years, I lived with them in Karachi, Pakistan, Banjul, The Gambia, in West Africa and Maracaibo, Venezuela. After I returned to Arizona for my senior year of high school, followed by college, my parents and sister went on to live in Somalia, Mozambique, Myanmar and Tunisia. Needless to say, I have five passports and they are all full of stamps, visas and wonderful, rich memories.

My parents weren’t adventure seekers by any means, they just loved to travel, experience new cultures and didn’t mind “hardship” posts in third world countries, plus they made a much better living working as educators overseas than they would have in the United States.

People always want to know which place I enjoyed living in the most and honestly I enjoyed them all equally. Each place was located near the water, which I loved and because I was at such different stages of my adolescence when we would move, it didn’t occur to me that I should have been upset about it. Don’t get me wrong, it was always hard to pick up, say goodbye to friends and move on to the next location, but I knew I would make new friends and therefore welcomed the change. I also learned at an early age the importance of correspondence and how keeping in touch with people would make them feel closer even when they weren’t and to this day, many of the friends I have, I do because of it.

Our summers were spent in Arizona, (yes, one of the hottest places on earth in June and July, but my parents loved the weather and knew that someday they’d want to retire there, so Arizona it was) where we would rent an apartment and “play house” as my mom would say and did our best to help the U.S. economy by stocking up on all of our favorite stateside treats and taking in as much western culture as possible. We would spend hours in front of the TV, listening to the radio, in cool movie theaters, at the mall and eating junk food. Living where we did, we didn’t have access to the “creature comforts of home” as we called them; things like the brand of deodorant, hair products or face cream we liked to use, current magazines, or the latest style of clothing.

Not only did we live in exotic places, we also travelled to exotic places every chance we had. Some of the highlights include: Sri Lanka, Hong Kong, Italy, Egypt, and Madagascar. My very favorite excursion was during Christmas, 1990 to Kenya. We went on safari at the Masai Mara National Reserve. Always an animal lover, it was beyond thrilling to come within just mere feet of elephants, giraffes, lions and zebras. This is the trip your dad and I talk about taking you on just as soon as you are old enough.

With much gratitude to my parents, over the years I have seen so many wonderful things around the globe: the Great Sphinx of Giza in Egypt, the breathtaking Taj Mahal in Agra, golden pagodas in Bangkok, happy wild sunflowers growing along the countryside in the Loire Valley in France, the turquoise blue waters of Morrocoy, Venezuela, and the Garden Route in South Africa. I know how lucky I am to be an American, but I appreciate being exposed to so many different sides of the world and I love knowing that there are still many customs, colors, cultures and cuisines yet for me to discover.

The travel bug has definitely been embedded in me and luckily your dad has it too, and together we have also taken some great trips. Your first passport just arrived and we are taking you to Italy in November! You are now free to roam about the world, little boy…just take me with you!

The best is yet to be.

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Filed Under: KRA, MSA, TDA bio, travel

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