Kim of Baby Feet is my guest today. She is a beautiful person and wonderful supporter of me and my words here.
Today, I am supporting her. Wholeheartedly.
Dear Husband and Children,
I am sorry, so very, very sorry.
I took so much away from you all when I was sick with the depression and anxiety. Everybody is telling me to not feel guilty about the missed time… but how can I not? If I’d gotten real help sooner, if I’d changed psychiatrists when I knew I was lying to him and he was letting me, if I’d told somebody the real, dirty truth sooner… Everything would have changed.
Children, I wouldn’t have made so many, many promises and then break them all. I wouldn’t have kept you inside so much and let you run outside more, the way you deserved. I wouldn’t have forced naps on you so I could sleep as well. I wouldn’t have let you eat cereal for every meal whenever I could because the effort of cooking was just too much. I wouldn’t have let you have ‘pajama day’ again and again, and would have instead dressed you all in the cute clothes I had just waiting in your closets. I wouldn’t have sat you in front of the TV and would have instead enjoyed doing crafts with you. I wouldn’t have had to leave you twice so I could go into the hospital. I wouldn’t have wasted days due to migraines and trips to the ER. I wouldn’t have been so heavily medicated at times that life was a thick, thick fog. I would have loved and nurtured you the way you needed and deserved.
Husband, I would have been present in our life together. I would have participated in our home life and not hid in our bedroom. I would have given you more kind words and not flung insults at you. I would have taken care of our children and our home so it all didn’t fall on you. I wouldn’t have taken so much time from your work with days I couldn’t get of bed, trips to the ER and time in the hospital. I would have gone on walks with you and the kids, laughed and made happy memories with you. I wouldn’t have stayed on the couch and watched as our life carried on without me.
I am so sorry. I want my memories of this time to be happy. But those 2 1/2 years only fill me with grief. I despise what I did to all of you. I feel I’ve failed you, and all the playtime, home cooked meals, grand promises that I carry through won’t make up for what I’ve done. Someday I’ll forgive myself, I’m told. The question is, will you ever be able to forgive me?
Love, Mom
Art,Violet, Sarah & John, Christmas 2010
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