Friendships shouldn’t be difficult, but sometimes they can be a downright messy and very complicated endeavor.
Some friendships die a natural death: people move, change jobs, start a family, or embark on a completely different stage of life. Other friendships, however, end prematurely and abruptly. When a friendship is over and you don’t always understand why and it can be painful and puzzling. Sometimes a friend ends your relationship without even telling you and sometimes they are able to muster up enough courage to FINALLY say all the things they have wanted to say for a very, very long time.
I spent a good part of last week stewing over a friendship I have had for 20 years. We exchanged scathing e-mails and I ended up sharing some things that were WAY overdue. Should one of us have picked up the phone to discuss our issues? Absolutely, but e-mail has always sort of been “our thing” due to our geographic challenges.
It would take an entire blog to describe all the ups and downs and twists and turns I have had with this person over the years, so I’ll spare you the torrid details and just say that like in any relationship, there were good times and some nice memories that I will always cherish, but ultimately, pride, ego and an unwillingness or inability to “show up” played a huge role in the end of our friendship.
I am certainly not perfect and there are two sides to every story, but this is my blog, so you can figure out which one of us I think was the selfish one.
I have experienced monumental changes during the last three years (I got re-married, lost both of my parents at the same time, left a 10+ year career in marketing to deal with the fall out and became a mother) and my friend wasn’t much of a friend to me during any of these life altering moments and instead of saying anything to her, I pretended that everything was okay.
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Tonya, I know how you feel and what you mean. It is so hard to let go of a friend that you've had for so long, but sometimes for the sake of your well-being, you have to do it.
I had a similar situation, and I still miss my friend a lot. But it will never be the friendship it was and I will never be able to have her play a big role in my "new" life.
Hugs to you…and I'm so glad that our relationship has actually gotten deeper and stronger these past few months!
I am sorry that this happened. 20 years is a long time to be friends with someone and I am sure that is certainly on your mind. I hope you feel relieved mostly though that you finally told her how you felt.
I have always admired your ability to know who is worth your friendship and who is not. I'm not as strong as you and I would admit that I've let a few 'friends' do things to me and have let them get away with it. But I guess I feel that life is too short and why spend time dealing with those things when there are other bigger issues going on on life.
After mom and dad died, I think I was really able to tell who my true friends are and who seriously cared about me. Sad that it took something so horrific to learn the truth.
I have no doubt that Lucas will have amazing friends but we have some incredible people in our lives and he will see that. : )
I completely understand. My best friend and I have been friends for 25 years, since we were 5 years old. I've been watching our lives go in different directions for a while. It smacked me in the face yesterday. She was telling me about her weekend and all the concerts and dinner parties, etc. that she did. She asked me what I did and I told that I my husband and I lazed around the house. Then Monday, I stayed home for work and cleaned because I it's hard for me to clean when he's home (and sitting there watching tv, makes me want to watch tv too). She was silent on the phone and then started talking about something else. I could tell she was thinking, "Dag, your life is boring." We're just in different places. Sorry that you had to move on from your friendship.
Sorry to hear about this loss in your life. But sometimes for the sake of self preservation and sanity it is the best option. I think you were pretty fair in your analysis of the situation and I wish you all the best.
I've been through this and it's so hard. I'm sorry you've lost this but glad that your life is a little lighter for it.
I'm sorry you had to go through all this. I've had to do it ad I know it's not easy. Thinking of you xoxo
I agree completly, once you have kids things change for some reason and what you used to put up with some how flies out the window…perhaps we grow up and apart and sometimes friendships must come to and end especially if you find yourself being influenced a certain way…it is sad, but then again life is never easy…
The longer the relationship has been around, the harder things like that are. And as crazy as it seems, sometimes even after all the time and all those memories, things change in a way and to a point that they become irreparably damaged. It sounds like parting ways is a more positive, healthy change for you.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for all of the support! I love my blog world friends and appreciate all of my readers.
I was a little apprehensive about about pouring my heart out here about this, but I am glad I did and happy to know that I'm not the only one that has had to say goodbye to a good friend. I'm still 100% confident with my decision.
xoxo
oooo – looks like we have something to talk about on Friday that is not kid or poop related! 🙂 P.S., I invited Tara so you could meet her but she has to work. Hopefully another time!
Thanks so much for sending this to me. I really needed it! I feel so liberated by my decision to let a friendship go. xo
I’ve read this post many times & have been lost in what to say regarding your words. Your words very much express your feelings & I respect you for posting your emotions. I regret that this happened & I have no excuse for it & can’t undo the damage.
I’m so thankful & blessed to be in your world! Since the Orme van ride on that hot August day I knew I met someone with an amazing soul. I cherish you & all the memories. I miss you & hope to see you in February at my first book signing. I am so lucky to have your friendship & love that you have taken on being my Publishing Consultant!
I’m not perfect, in fact I’m far from it but I’ve spent the past 7 years doing a tremendous amount of soul searching, and therapy, and I love who I am today- heartaches and all! It’s taken me a long time to grow up & take hold of my life on my own, without being controlled by my Mother & others.
As far as our friendship, in your words, “the best is yet to be”.
I have often wondered if you ever read this post and what you thought of it. Thank you for commenting so many months later.
I appreciate you “seeing” my side and moving forward can only hope for the best from our relationship.
We have both had a crazy few years, but I’m optimistic about our future.