I am proud to have Lerner of Hey! What’s Your Dream (formerly Stay At Home Babe) as my guest today.
I warn you, her letter is hard to read, especially if you don’t know her story. It reeks of disappointment and heartache, anger and bitterness. But, if you read between the lines, you will also sense the slightest hint of forgiveness.
Please hold your judgements, these are Lerner’s words and she needed to write them. I’m honored that she chose my space to share them.
Mom,
I want you to know that I truly hated you for so long that I lost count of the years. I hated you for what you did to me, I hated you for what you allowed to be done to me. Years of my life were swallowed in hate. I hated you for the hate. I was a festering gangrene bag of hate.
You let him have me. I was so small and you just turned your back while he had me. I never fully understood the magnitude of my tininess until I saw my own child at five, how sweet and fresh and fragile he was. And I will never understand how you sat by and let that happen. I drove myself crazy trying to understand. I nearly died in the black hole of trying to understand that.
I find that old adage of, “I am who I am because of what I’ve been through, and I wouldn’t change it,” to be a saccharine-coated line of bullshit. It’s something we tell ourselves to justify the horrible things that happen to good people. I’m a good person. I am who I am not because of what happened to me but in spite of it. And the excruciating path it took me to get here… I blame you for that. It lies at your feet.
I found joy and comfort in your death. Then guilt and shame in that joy. You really left one hell of a legacy in your wake, you know? I wish I could look you in the eye and tell you that I’ve had to let that go. For myself, for my kids, for the simple act of living. I had to let you go.
I had to come to a place where I pitied you. You never knew the pride of motherhood that I do. You never went to sleep at night knowing that you did everything in your power to love and protect your baby. You never got to look the world in the face and stand between your child and danger and say, “Bring it, bitch. You’re not getting through me.” I have that, it’s the one thing I’ve done well from the beginning and it’s the only thing of true value in my life. I pity you for never having that.
I am only human, so I will never be completely one way or another. I will always have an injured little girl inside who loves her mother and wants what she can’t have. I will always have a hint of hatred and the occasional tears that fall. But, Mom, I had to let you go; because hanging onto you was a slow torturous death and life is too short to kill myself a little every day with your memory.
I don’t believe in an after-life, but if I’m wrong… if you’re still existing in some way… I hope it’s peaceful. I hope you’re resting peacefully because I want to hope better for you than you gave to me. I want to be better than you. And for that I thank you. Thank you for showing me who I don’t want to be. In a backwards, twisted way, you mothered me into a good person in that way. I am the woman you could never be.
Your daughter
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Lerner, you are the fiercest mom I know. Knowing what you’ve had to let go makes me admire you more than you can know.
Your children are blessed to have you, as am I.
Shut your face! 🙂 It is most definitely I who am lucky to have you. And I could never squat while holding the dude, you are way more fierce.
Lerner, you know how much I adore you, and
I swear, the more I learn about you the stronger it gets. You are an amazing woman and an incredible mother. I am honored and humbled to know you and call you my friend. Your words will be an incredible source of comfort and support to many who need it. Xo
I’m never sure if it really will be comforting to anyone else, or if it’s just cathartic to write it out. Either way, thank you. You rock the kasbah.
your strength, courage, honesty and ability to let go amazes me. You kick ass and take names and are a magician with the words and the sentences.
Magician?! That’s potentially the nicest compliment I’ve had in a long time. thank you. Thank you for reading it, and thank you for your comment. Hugs.
You are so kick ass. That you emerged from all that was to become who you are, is a testament to your amazing spirit.
You kick tiny malaysian ass ;). thanks, alison, really. miss your face!
You, dear lady, are the shit. I could not love you more. Thank you.
No way, Jose, thank you!
I’m so happy that you are finding peace with this horrible situation. I wish you healing, peace and love. You’re obviously a strong, strong woman.
Peace might be an overstatement… maybe more like functional acceptance :). Can’t change it, no point trying.
Hey you,I going to make you uncomfortable & send you the biggest,hardest hug ever because I think you are amazing…x
unless you crack a rib, that doesn’t make me uncomfortable in the slightest 😉
Through all the other faces and titles and puzzles pieces of personhood I’ve seen you take on, ‘mother’ has been a part of you. You’ve taken on that part-of-self as a badge of honor and it makes you ever more amazing.
My kids saved me from myself. They saved me from my scars. They taught me to really love and be selfless. They made me who i am.
wow…
You are such a strong, courageous, amazing person. I know all the details but from what I’m gathering you came out of a bad situation, turned it around, and didn’t let it pull you into a dark place and hold you there.
You did what a lot of others can’t seem to do.
I don’t know what the difference is between those of us that make it out the other side and those who don’t. My heart breaks for those who don’t. as hard as it is to push through it, staying in that place is a special kind of hell that no one deserves.
You my Friend, Are a bad-ass!! 😉
I love you & yours everyday!
angel/devil hugs and kisses, lady. 😉 thanks.
You, my friend, are a seriously fierce individual, a rock star mother, and a badass human being. You put your heart and soul into everything you do, including pullups 🙂 Your kids are lucky to have you as a mom, and your community is lucky to have you period. Thank you for sharing with me. I feel honored to be your friend.
shut the front door. The honor is mine. Not sure how I got by without you before. And oh the pullups and how they haunt me still ;).
You DO have the bad-ass instinct to protect and I pity the fool that gets in your way. I have never been in a situation where I’ve had to use my blue belt, but protecting my child is the best reason I’ve heard of for a righteous ass-kicking.
Many, many hugs…
I WANNA BE A BLUE BELT!!! Damn… I consider myself pretty tough in a fight, but i wouldn’t want to go up against anyone with anyone color of belt. I’m certain of it.
You are a badass mom, and a badass person. And your kids are so lucky to have you.
But if only i had a badass name like Ginger, I could wear formal cocktail dresses on a deserted island and the badass-ness would be complete.
I have nothing but respect for how you feel about your mother. It’s true, being a mom makes it impossible to understand how another mom could let a terrible thing happen to her child. Or worse, be the one who did the terrible thing. I’m quite astonished that you wished her a peaceful afterlife. That’s a testament to your huge heart.
I am searching for something to say after reading this. It’s astonishing…and brave…and so damn badass. Is that a thing? Can this be bad ass? Because it is. It is bad ass writing and bad ass attitude and just…bad effing ass.
also? hugs to you. bad ass hugs, of course.
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