After almost a month hiatus, I am proud to welcome Melissa of The Valentine RD as my Letters For You guest today.
A Registered Dietitian and Certified Diabetes Educator and HUGE Duran Duran fan, Melissa is a recent transplant from New York to Southern California and we are happy to have her on the left coast!
Melissa is conducting a panel for a Facebook chat on “Nutrition For Moms” hosted by FitForExpecting.com on July 22, 11:00 am – 12 noon PST.
Her letter is to stay at home parents and the shock and awe of becoming one herself.
Dear Stay-At-Home Parents:
I never thought I’d be a Stay-At-Home (SAH) parent but after moving from New York to Los Angeles, I took time off from the professional world to help my child settle into his new surroundings. I went back to school at age 30 to change careers and never thought a child would take me “off-track” but I’m proud to have been part of the SAH community for a little over a year now.
I owe SAH parents an apology. I thought that the job of staying at home was definitely going to be easier than any work I’d do in an office. I always found my definition and purpose through my career. I was the employee that every boss wants because I was extraordinarily dedicated my work. When I became a SAH parent, I thought that I’d finally be able to have my dedication truly appreciated and put to better use to by my family.
I was going to be the ultimate SAH parent. I’d work out every morning, decorate an immaculately clean house, prepare healthy meals and I’d still have enough time to look halfway decent and all the while be more available for my school-aged child.
I failed in nearly every aspect of my plan to do it all. I worked out most days but it all went downhill from there. Most of my other intentions would often be overrun by the tentacles of social media (Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Google+ and my blog) and other minor responsibilities. I was often the parent picking my child up from school in the same clothes I worked out in that morning. I was stinky but available for my child.
I learned that work skills aren’t necessarily transferable to being a SAH parent. I was the weekly parent helper in my child’s classroom. Try as I might, my crafting wasn’t up to snuff and there were days that I required a drink after my two hour stint (teachers, how do you do it?!) but my child was so thrilled to have me around that it made stretching my own limitations well worth it.
Despite my SAH parental shortcomings, I realize that the ability to be involved in my child’s school at an early time in his life is an extraordinary opportunity. I may not have reached the ideal in SAH parenthood in my own mind but I doubt my child noticed. I can guarantee that while I was freaking out that there were other parents who would have loved to have switched places with me but couldn’t because they were literally otherwise employed.
Parenting isn’t easy period. To stay at home or to work outside the home is difficult on every parent. It often isn’t a choice but an obligation for one (and often both) parents to work outside the home. It isn’t easy to manage the financial responsibilities and emotional demands of a family. In my experience, the decisions made to achieve balance between need and want is one that gets tested every day.
Working parents and SAH parents, I’ve gotten a chance to visit both sides of the grass and I’ll tell you that the grass isn’t greener on either side. There’s some sort of parental, professional or personal guilt no matter which knoll is yours.
I knew it deep down but I learned that whether you stay at home or outside the home, as a parent you work and work hard. It’s unfortunate that there will always be an unspoken judgment on parents when they identify as being either a SAH parent or work-outside-of-the-home parent. SAH parents, I judged and I’m sorry. I won’t do it again (even when I return to my professional career). I hope maybe someone reading this letter won’t judge in the future as well.
In solidarity for all parents no matter where they work,
Melissa
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I was a working parent longer than I’ve been a stay at home parent. It was a huge transition, but I’m still here. I’m not a natural fit for every parenting activity. I dread my volunteer shift every week in my kid’s classroom. There are so many other things I’d rather do with my free time. Still, I go because I can and it is important to him.
I’m a stay-at-home mother, and I’ve had people tell me that I may be ‘losing my edge’ because I don’t have the challenges of work. That is far from the truth of course but it’s hard to explain so I don’t.
Thank you for this, Melissa!
I don’t think there is anything about parenting that is easy, but it is all rewarding.
Oh how I feel this post. I am both…in the summers I am SAH and the rest of the year I work. The transition always sucks. Actually both transitions…from going from working to SAH and then back. There are MAJOR challenges to both sides.
You have made some decent points there. I looked on the internet to find out more about the issue and found most people will go along with your views on this web site.
So true. All of it. I had a pretty sweet career before I got married and had kids… money, travel, prestige, etc. When I chose to be a SAHM I thought it would be fun and easy. WRONG! 3 kids later and I struggle every day with not being good enough. I even went back to work for a year (and hired a nanny) but realized that that was even more stressful for me. The kids missed me and I had serious Mom guilt. It’s true that the grass always seems greener… but it isn’t. We do the best we can with what we have. And honestly, our kids just want our love and attention. They don’t care about all the other crap.
It’s so lovely to see Melissa here. I’ve been all of it – stay-at-home, working mom, work-at-home – and none of it’s easy. There are so many challenges to any situation but also so many upsides too.
So refreshing to read a balanced point of view in this subject. All to often you read or hear parents (mostly Moms) negatively judging other parents who have made the opposite choice.
The guilt, oh the guilt. It never ends does it? But at the end of the day when everyone is in bed and they’ve laughed and had fun and said “I love you mom” I realize that even if some days I feel like a failure as a parent I am not. It’s hard, it is the most demanding job but it is also the best thing I’ve done for my kids and the best thing my mother did for us.
My husband and I decided that I would stay at home with my kids after my son passed away unexpectedly. We sacrifice every day that I am unemployed, but it’s true that the reward is worth it. I just hope that my girls appreciate the time that we spend together down the road. I wrote a post about being a s.a.h.m also: http://www.kindasillymommy.com/2012/08/modern-day-housewife-sahm.html
This is all very good stuff to know and understand…especially for someone like me that hasn’t even had to deal with these issues yet.
I’ve been on both sides of the grass too and it’s difficult on both sides. Parenting is hard. Running a house is hard. Working and juggling parenting are hard. And before I stayed home, I judged too. I agree, we all need to be in solidarity with each other, no matter how we spend our days. If we can give each other strength versus tear each other down for our choices, we will all be better off for it. Great post.
You are so awesome! I don’t think I’ve read through something like this before.
So good to discover someone with some genuine thoughts on this subject
matter. Really.. thanks for starting this up.
This site is something that is required on the web, someone with a little originality!