Wonders, Mishaps, Blunders and Joy.. commentary on my life as a mom in the form of letters to my son
Hope springs eternal in the human breast: Man never is, but always To be Blest. – Alexander Pope
Out on a walk the other day, Lucas and I saw this tiny yellow flower, a weed really poking it’s way out of the sidewalk.
How strange I thought.
And beautiful.
This post is for Wordless Wednesdays and if you want to link up or see some really beautiful photographs, visit Alicia at A Beautiful Mess.
My sister is so good with Lucas and their relationship is simply endearing to witness.
Lucas’ face lights up whenever we speak of aunt Leah and her visits are always too short.
Leah recently spent five days helping me out while Todd was away on a business trip and I could swear there was more laughter in (and out of) the house.
We have been blessed with some gorgeous sunny winter weather, allowing for some fun in the backyard. Lucas calls it his “park” and since he can’t yet be out there on his own, one or both of us are always out there with him.
On Saturday morning, Leah and I were both lounging on the chaises watching Lucas run around the yard having a great time, when all of a sudden he was sort of over it and wanted to go back inside. Leah and I, on the other hand were enjoying soaking in the sun, not quite ready to start the day and both wanted to stay put.
Leah bounced up and started chasing Lucas around the yard and then he’d turn around and chase her. This is a game Lucas loves and he and I play it often. Leah’s twist on the game was every time she “caught” him, she tackled him to the ground and tickled him.
His laughter was divine. 
It’s moments like this that make me hope my son and my sister always remain as close as they are today.
Todd and I saw Rabbit Hole a couple of weeks ago staring Nicole Kidman and Aaron Eckhart and I’m still thinking about it. To me, that’s what good movies do; make you think and stay you for days to follow.
I thought the performances were very good, but I disagree with all the buzz Kidman is getting for her role as a grieving mother. Of course, I didn’t think Annette Bening deserved the Golden Globe for Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture – Musical or Comedy for The Kids Are All Right either, so what do I know?
At any rate, Rabbit Hole allows us a glimpse into one couples lives as they deal with the loss of their four year old son, who runs into the street after the family dog and is hit by a car.
The couple is grieving in their own way and at their own pace and it almost destroys their marriage.
Horrific to think about, but always up for a good mental exercise, Rabbit Hole prompted some interesting and insightful discussion for our car ride home, another sign of a good movie.
Could our marriage survive the loss of a child? Hard to say. We agreed that it would require the utmost patience and understanding that either of us could muster and that it would most definitely be the hardest thing that we would ever have to go through. A parent should never have to bury a child. Every time you looked at one another you would have a living reminder. It’s a difficult scenario to imagine.
But that’s not the part that has stuck with me.
There is moment when Becca (Kidman) finally lets go of some of her pent up emotional control, breaks down and asks her mother, Nat (played brilliantly by Dianne Weist), who has also suffered the loss of a child, about her pain and the weight of it. The dialogue is breathtaking and the message is haunting:
Becca: Does it ever go away?
Nat: No, I don’t think it does. Not for me, it hasn’t – has gone on for eleven years. But it changes though.
Becca: How?
Nat: I don’t know… the weight of it, I guess. At some point, it becomes bearable. It turns into something that you can crawl out from under and… carry around like a brick in your pocket. And you… you even forget it, for a while. But then you reach in for whatever reason and – there it is. Oh right, that. Which could be aweful – not all the time. It’s kinda…
[deep breath]
Nat: not that you’d like it exactly, but it’s what you’ve got instead of your son. So, you carry it around. And uh… it doesn’t go away. Which is…
Becca: Which is what?
Nat: Fine, actually.
I thought that this was such a beautiful way to describe grief and loss and where it goes after time. I am still learning to live with the passing of my parents. It’s been almost three and a half years. I know I will remember these words from Rabbit Hole and I look forward to finding my “fine”, my peace some day.
Have a wonderful weekend, everyone!
My Barnes & Noble Silver Lining Paris Remembered 2011 desk calendar finally arrived this week and I can’t wait to start filling it in!!
For as “high tech” as I am or try to be with my iPhone and online calendar, I get a big charge out of keeping track of my so-called life in black-and-white and multi-colored highlighters.
There is nothing better than a brand new, crisp, clean calendar.
Plus, I keep track of everything!
You probably didn’t know (or care) that I moved my body 735 miles last year in the form of walking, running, bike riding, the elliptical or StairMaster, or that I took Lucas to the Bay Area solo four times? How about that I saw 12 movies – in the theater and ate lunch at Subway 51 times (don’t judge!). I got my hair colored five times and had five massages, which is about 10 too few, by the way! I also noted that Lucas’ last day of wearing the Doc Band was June 3, he took his first steps on July 6, had his first hair cut on August 1. Looking back on 2010, I have a very blessed life.
And now, a whole entire year lay before me, page after page just begging to be filled in with birthdays, anniversaries, weddings, play dates, many more spa appointments, visits to Grandma and Grandpa’s, visits from aunt Leah, lunches with friends, dinners with my husband, long walks, yoga classes, weekend get-aways, Lucas’ milestones and a whole lot more!
A whole year full of possibilities… 
How will you fill your 2011 calendar?
“Won’t it hurt?”
“It doesn’t have to.”
“What will my parents say?”
“They don’t even have to know about it.”
“Surely they’ll be able to tell.”
“Not really, you can hide it.”
“I’m scared it’s going to be written all over my face.”
“I’ll be right there with you. Let’s just do it and get it over with.”
“Well, I have always wanted to.”
“Exactly. It’s time. What are you waiting for? I mean, you are 17!”
“Yeah, I just don’t want it to hurt.”
“It’s different for everyone, but really it’s all over before you know it.”
“How many times have you done it?”
“Three. This will be my fourth.”
“Your fourth?! I had no idea! Didn’t know you were an old pro.”
“Yeah, I guess you could say that.”
“Okay, I’m ready. I think I’m ready.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes. But let’s hurry before I change my mind.”
“I am so excited for you! And don’t worry, we’ll fix your hair so your ears won’t even show.”
This post is fiction and was written for The Red Dress Club’s writing meme, Red Writing Hood. This weeks prompt is: write a post using solely dialogue.
Nothing is going right today.
It’s freezing outside, I’m up to my eyeballs in chores I’d rather not do, but have put off all week so here I am waiting to fold the fifth load of laundry for the day.
I’m feeling feisty and pissy and just not in the mood.
I hope you will indulge me for a few minutes while I get some things off my chest while I share my annoyances with you.
Uneven sidewalks piss me off, particularly when pushing a stroller. I’m not referring to the cracks, I’m talking about the dips that make people’s driveways that pop up in the sidewalks.
I end up walking in the street and then get honked at, which is just rude.
Story time at the library in a room that is way too small full of toddlers that are hacking away and have faucets of snot running out of their noses is not my idea of a fun outing. C’mon people, I understand needing to get out of the house, but really? If you’re kid is sick, please stay home!
Back to laundry, which I’m going blame for today’s foul mood. I hate it when I discover after the fact that a bra, pair of workout pants or other clothing item has found it’s way into the dryer when I would normally hang dry them. Grrr.
As a side note, I just folded 24 shirts so now my arms hurt.
You think I’m kidding.
I’m really annoyed today by lurkers… people that creep around on my blog (the infamous Boycott American Women dude commented on one of my posts with his personal agenda of bad mouthing women – his comment has since been deleted forever – and other people that I actually know and usually enjoy being around in real life) and don’t leave comments, but LOVE gathering information on me and my family to a) either talk about with other people behind my back or b) mention it to me in a way that makes it seem like I’ve told them first hand live and in person. This creeps me out!
Note to self: if I write about it on my blog, it’s out there in the world and obviously fair game.
Speaking of people that creep me out, why do people have to encroach on my personal space at places like the grocery store check out line? When I’m done, you’ll know it. Until then, back the hell up!
I’ve just about had it with the battery life on my laptop and iPhone. If we can put a man on the moon, why can’t we design a battery that lasts longer than six hours? As I type this, I currently have 9% battery on my computer. Lame!!
Okay, I think I’m done.
For now.
Thanks, I needed that. I promise to return to my regularly scheduled program tomorrow.
But for now, I really do wish I was here.
Today I want to be here. A half a world away. With nothing but blue skies and a warm sun.
Far from the worries, responsibilities, sadness and stresses in my life.
Just for today.
This photo was taken in New Caledonia in May, 2010 with my best friend, Sophie at my side.
This post is for Wordless Wednesdays and if you want to link up or see some really beautiful photographs, visit Alicia at A Beautiful Mess.
Always one to seek validation, I have found that there isn’t a lot when it comes to motherhood.
Oh sure, I’ll get a dirty glare if Lucas is being loud at the grocery store or throwing food in a restaurant, sometimes a empathetic mom’s “I’ve been there before” look, a helping hand when I’m trying to navigate through an airport with a stroller, two bags and a toddler; I’ve had elderly men and women reach out and touch my son’s cheek and lovingly reminisce about their now adult children’s early days as infants, but rarely does anyone ever come out and comment on the job I’m doing.
Good or bad.
My husband and I took all the parenting classes before Lucas was born, (nearly 24 hours worth, he will be the first to tell you), I’ve subscribed to all the daily, weekly and monthly parenting e-newsletters, read a ton of books, ask my pediatrician a million questions and compare notes with my mommy friends, but in the end, when it comes to parenting, I just sort of wing it and hope that I’m doing something right.
So when Lucas and I hung out with my dear friend Suzy lately, the first time in a year that she has seen me with Lucas, I really appreciated her telling me how good I was with him.
This is a mother of two grown children, grandmother to four and one of the smartest, both beautiful women I know, so her opinion means the world to me.
After asking her to explain what she meant when she told me that I was “good with Lucas”, here is what she e-mailed me after our visit:
What I meant was, you were easy with him, you let him “be”. You played and seemed very relaxed. You can see that this is how you are with him, because he is so easy himself. Think about it, first time in a new place, first time with me, really — and he willingly let me kiss and hold him. I waited till he was more settled — after he relaxed some and came to feed me. But I believe that this kind of behavior is due in a big part from a very grounded mom, someone who keeps everything in perspective. You didn’t hover or try to make him perfect… you are in fact just very good with him. Parenting is such a journey, for both mommy and daddy. You seem to have set yourself on a very good course.
I love this and will refer to it often. A little validation goes a very long way. Thank you, Suzy! I love you.
I doubt I’m even conscious of it, but I do try to let Lucas “be”. He doesn’t need me hovering. He’ll get enough of that once he hits double digits.
Today, Lucas and I met my friend Colleen and her son, Jackson at the Santa Ana Zoo, also known as, the home of 50 Monkeys! Lucky for us, monkeys are one of our favorite animals.
We also love elephants and had the pleasure of taking a ride on Miss Becky.
Wouldn’t you know it, the zoo also has a train ride called Zoofari Express for the “choo choo” lover in all of us and a classical carrousel ride made up of endangered animals. Lucas rode the cheetah. Here he is giving the big cat a pat. 
With temperatures in the low 80’s, it was a hot day but a lot of fun too!
