aunt leah

Remembering Whitney

Posted on February 12, 2012 Written by Tonya

Like the rest of the world, I was completely shocked hearing the news of Whitney Houston’s death on Saturday. What a tragic loss.

As a teenager, I spent countless hours singing into my hairbrush in front of the mirror and coming up with dance moves to all kinds of popular music, but I distinctly remember trying to hit and hold the long notes just like Whitney in her mega hits, “Saving All My Love for You”, “So Emotional” and the incomparable “I Will Always Love You”. It was never going to happen, but was very fun trying and her songs will forever be a part of the fabric of my youth.

Whitney’s voice is golden and no matter what personal demons she may have faced, she paved the way for so many young stars today and there is no doubt her talent will be missed.

Yesterday, while visiting my sister we had an impromptu Whitney session and even Lucas got in the groove.

RIP Whitney.

Ashes To Ashes

Posted on January 2, 2012 Written by Tonya

Each time the topic of what to do with my parents comes up, I freeze. I don’t have any deep thoughts on the subject, I just become mute.

My sister would much very like to scatter their ashes somewhere special, a place where we could go and “visit” them, she says. A place that is quiet and just for them and us, too. A memorial with a plaque or bench that would allow us to pause and reflect and remember.

Sounds peaceful, right?

I understand the importance of establishing a permanent memorial to help us deal with the continued cycle of loss, but I like them being on the top shelf in my closet, side by side greeting me each and every morning.

As strange as it may sound seeing their urns and knowing that they are there is comforting.

But I suppose she’s right, it would be nice to have somewhere to go.

But where?

Arizona might be appropriate. They loved the desert (even in the dead of summer) and all of our fondest memories of them are of our time there together in their home in Tucson. Selfishly though, how often would we get out there to reflect?

Although they weren’t water people, I have always thought being scattered at sea would be pleasant/romantic/circle of life-ish, but apparently there are all sorts of regulations and somehow that doesn’t feel right either.

Most couples have special places that they enjoy being together, but I can’t think of where that might be for my mom and dad.

My aunt once suggested somewhere near the college campus where they met, but that doesn’t make sense to me. Canyon, Texas was definitely a pivotal location in their history, but it was only a starting point for all the amazing things they did.

My parents spent almost 30 years living in far away places; Asia, Africa, South America and not one of them stands out as their proper resting place.

As much as I would like to help my sister through her grieving process, I hope it’s okay that they just hang out in my closet for a little while longer. Plus, I have visions of them attending her wedding someday.

Since You’ve Been Gone

Posted on November 8, 2011 Written by Tonya

My Letters For You guest this week is my sister Leah, who also blogs at L.A. ‘n’ L.A.

Our mother would have celebrated her 62nd birthday this week and here is a letter to our parents.

Dear Mom and Dad,

I miss you both every day. There’s nothing in life that I want more right now then to see the two of you. A couple weeks ago was the fourth anniversary of your deaths. It frightens me how long you’ve really been gone. You’ve been gone for 1,486 days of my life so far.

There’s so much that I want to tell you. There’s so much that you have missed.

Ultimately, I believe that your deaths changed me. I’ve grown up since you died. I guess I had no choice. I honestly don’t think that I’m your “Little Leah” anymore.

About two years after you died, I moved to Los Angeles. It was time for a change and as you know, I had wanted to move here for a long time. Something else pushed me into moving and that was that Tonya had a baby! That’s right, your oldest daughter has a beautiful baby boy who I cherish more than anything in this world. He brought me back to life after you died.

Lucas is his name and he has your eyes, Daddy. I take so much pride in being his aunt and I do my best to make sure he knows how much he is loved. Tonya and I talk to him about you both all the time and he recognizes your faces in pictures. At 2 years old, there is no one that can make me smile quite like Lucas. There is no doubt in my mind that you would have made excellent grandparents and I’m sorry that you didn’t get that opportunity.

It’s still crazy to me that my big sister is a mother. You would be so proud of her. She’s amazing. Tonya manages to not only be my key support system, but also the most incredible mom. She is so patient and loving. It’s unfair that you are not here to witness her shine in this role. I think that it would have rejuvenated your relationship with her, mom. I really do.

Without you both here guiding and supporting me through life’s ups and downs, I have leaned on Tonya at times of need. I do my best to listen to her and trust her advice. Of course we aren’t perfect and we still bicker from time to time but I do think that we are becoming better sisters and better friends all the time. There is no one that I would have rather had at my side when you died. I like to think that we get each other through the bad moments.

Since moving to L.A., I have struggled to get a job in the music industry. After you died, the economy took a plunge and the music business has been weakened. Finally this past August, I landed a job at a small radio marketing company. I also nanny for a family and have even discovered a new calling in the photography world. I have made some incredible new friends and have even found many high school and college friends that live here in L.A. too. Simply put, I am happy with my life here and I’m so glad that I moved here. Through it all, each day, I strive to make you proud of me. I try so hard to be the daughter that you thought I was becoming. I often wonder if this is the life that you hoped that I would have at 27 years old.

Even after four years, I still catch myself questioning if you are both really gone. I look for signs of you everywhere. I can’t hear a Beatles song, eat a Snickers, walk by a Build-a-Bear store, drink a Diet Dr. Pepper or do so many other things without thinking of you two. I’m touched every time someone says that I remind them of you.

I’m still so angry at you, or rather the hot water heater in your house. I was robbed of so much time with you. It breaks my heart thinking that you won’t get to meet my future husband, be at my wedding or play with my children. These are just the big events. The little ones hurt just the same. I hear people talk about what awful relationships they have with their parents and how they aren’t close. I understand now that what we had was rare. I was very lucky to have such close relationships with you both. Of course, mom, you and I both know we had more. We were best friends too. I literally can’t breathe from sadness sometimes when I think of how much I miss you in my life.

I feel like an orphan. I don’t think that is going to ever go away. It’s a title that I’ve somehow gotten used to and I’m alright with that. If I had one more hour with you both, all I would tell you is that I love you more than words will ever be able to express. I am so eternally grateful for the life that you gave me. You are in my heart today, tomorrow and always.

Lovingly your daughter,
Leah

August 4, 2007, one of our last family photographs.

We Remembered

Posted on October 18, 2011 Written by Tonya

We remembered.

We avoided eye contact at first.

We got dressed and put on make-up.

We went to brunch and toasted with champagne.

We enjoyed a little retail therapy and indulged in sweet treats. Both helped for a little while.

We received dozens of beautiful flowers and at least a 100 of other tokens of love and well wishes throughout the day in the form of phone calls, text messages, Facebook and Twitter posts. Each one helped immensely.

We listened to their favorite music and smiled.

We talked about the year ahead and what they would be missing.

We drew animals and painted shapes with Lucas and giggled.

We sat around the dining room table and devoured the comfort food my husband prepared. There were more toasts.

We looked through the sympathy cards we were sent four years ago. Many I had not read before. All of them heartfelt.

We went to a movie and sat side by side in the dark and laughed in all the same places.

We hugged.

We cried.

We remembered.

Another anniversary come and gone.

The Hole In My Heart

Posted on October 14, 2011 Written by Tonya

October used to mean feeling Fall in the air and spying Halloween merchandise on every aisle at the supermarket and being greeted by big shinny round pumpkins with glowing smiles on my neighbors front porches.

October meant the nights were getting longer and the air a little cooler. Not quite flannel jammies time, but close.

Conversations about how to spend Thanksgiving begin and Christmas shopping lists are started in October.

Now October has a new meaning.

In particular October 15, but the days leading up to it and the days preceding are tough too.

October 15 used to have no significance to me at all, just another day on the calendar.

Now it marks the anniversary of my parents’ death.

Today they have been gone for four years. 1460 days. It’s hard to believe it has been that long.

I dread the anniversary the most; more than their birthdays, more than Christmas, more than Mother’s Day, Father’s Day or their anniversary. The day I was notified my parents had died was the worst day and every October 15, I relive it. And every year I think it’s going to be a little easier, and it’s not.

I’ll never forgot sitting in my friend Suzy’s kitchen two weeks after the memorial service and watching her eyes fill with tears as she talked about her own father’s passing as if it happened the day before. He had died 30 years earlier.

In some ways this was strangely comforting to me; knowing I wasn’t alone in my grieve for a lost loved one and in other ways it made me even sadder than I already was. I realized this wasn’t something I was going to “get over”, I realized that death is as permanent as grieve and I would have to learn to live with this emptiness, the loss and the hole that was now forever in my heart.

I would have to live with the sadness each and every October and all the days in between.

Catalina Island, July 2005

One good thing occurred on October 15, 2008 on the one year anniversary, I told my sister I was six weeks pregnant with Lucas.

Riding In Cars With Boys

Posted on September 26, 2011 Written by Tonya

My sister, Lucas and I just returned from Dallas, where we had a wonderful visit with our aunt and uncle. Traveling with a tot is always an adventure and I have written about it before here and here. As usual, Lucas was great on the plane and owned his “star of the weekend” status like a trouper.

Dinner & Song

Posted on September 21, 2011 Written by Tonya

I don’t think this needs any introduction and I hope it makes you smile.

You can check out my sweet boy singing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star here.

Lucas and I (and aunt Leah) are off to Dallas to visit my aunt and uncle, have a great weekend, everyone!

Tell Her

Posted on September 18, 2011 Written by Tonya

Tell her it has been far too long since we’ve seen her beautiful face or heard her deep laughter.

Make sure she knows we miss her.

Tell her we hear her; every single tear and every single plea and we wish we could provide the answers she seeks.

Tell her to trust in her heart that we are always by her side, even if she can’t see us and that whenever she feels a cool gentle breeze on a warm day or spots a hummingbird in the most peculiar of places, that is us; whenever the smile on a stranger’s face makes her feel at ease or she hears one of our family’s favorite songs on the radio, that is us too. We are all around quietly guiding and watching her.

Tell her how pleased we are with the woman she is becoming and the direction her life has taken. Assure her that her future is brilliant and that she should hold on to her dreams with fierce determination and with a little luck and a lot of hard work, they will come true.

Tell her there will be more heartache for her, but nothing that she is unable to withstand. Make her believe that she is so much stronger than we ever realized.

Let her her know that in tough times, it is okay to lean on you, Tonya, that though your exterior is tough, you feel as much as she does and will always be there for her. You are sisters and she needs to know how much you love her and that you always have her best interests at heart.

Tell her that your son is… well, there really are no words. Lucas is sublime and the perfect antidote for the sadness you both must feel since we’ve been gone. We are so grateful for his presence. He is wise beyond his years, enjoy him.

We don’t have to tell either of you how short life is or how it can change in an instant, you both know that now, better than anyone. We were not ready to go. Please live each day to it’s fullest and never forget how loved you are.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Knowing it would defy all logic and reason, it’s an interesting concept, so if my parents could reach me, I believe this is what they want me to tell my younger sister, Leah.

Noise Level: An Apology

Posted on July 6, 2011 Written by Tonya

If your house is anything like ours, activity begins early. Typically just right of 6 AM, thanks to a 3 foot tall morning person.

Lucky for me, my husband starts his day then too, allowing me the luxury of sleeping in. And by “sleeping in”, I mean 8:00 most days. I’m spoiled, I know.

Todd wakes up to the sounds of “Daddy!” and repeated beckoning, which leads to forceful demanding pleads to play cars and trains, “eat something”, “Mickey show” and/or “read to me”.

We have a small house with wood floors so noises of all kinds, voices and the sounds of temper tantrums, which inevitably lead to time-outs carry throughout.

I’ve grown accustomed to the daybreak racket and can (for the most part) sleep through it, but I always feel bad when my sister (or any guests for that matter) stay the night.

I’d like to make a public apology here and now to Leah and any and all guests we ever have in our home. If you stay over, I can guarantee you two things: a lovely visit filled with ~~good~~ cheap wine and conversation and in the morning, lots of noise! Consider yourself warned.

We appreciate your understanding. I suppose if we all slept 10+ hours we’d be raring to go with the sun too.

Well, maybe.

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Reflections On 39 Years

Posted on June 26, 2011 Written by Tonya

It’s my birthday and in my 39 short years on this planet, I have…

1. moved 27 times.
2. owned five cars.
3. ran a 1/2 marathon.
4. sky dived in Tucson, Arizona and scuba dived in Port Elizabeth, South Africa.
5. learned that money can’t buy happiness, but it can make things a little easier.
6. graduated from college.
7. been fired from, laid off and quit three different jobs.
8. learned that everything in moderation is the best way to live.
9. been a bridesmaid four times and a bride twice.
10. attended approximately 39 concerts (15 of which were Dave Matthews shows).
11. learned that change is unavoidable.
12. been on a road trip (15+ hours round trip) by myself.
13. broken my collar bone.
14. been in five car accidents (three of which were my fault).
15. gotten three tattoos (and want at least one more).
16. walked 180 miles in three 3-Day Walks for breast cancer research.
17. thrown a surprise party.
18. climbed the pyramids, hiked into the Grand Canyon, kissed at the top of the Eiffel Tower and walked across the Golden Gate Bridge.
19. realized that family, no matter how often you see one another is important.
20. learned that you can get grey hair and acne at the same time. Unfair and annoying, but true.
21. won a sewing contest in the third grade, the leading role in a school play when I was a Senior in high school, a customer service award once I started working and two giveaways from blogs I read.
22. never had to be bailed out of jail.
23. learned that home is where the heart is.
24. swam with dolphins in Mexico and zip-lined in Costa Rica.
25. been the first one to apologize and the first one to walk away.
26. learned that music really can save your mortal soul.
27. discovered that asking for help is not a weakness, but a strength.
28. called 911 twice (not for Lucas, thank goodness!)
29. collected more books than I’ll ever be able to read.
30. watched every single episode of Sex & the City, Alias and Grey’s Anatomy.
31. attended the Grammy’s and Emmy’s.
32. learned that a vast majority of people can be worn over with a smile and a little kindness.
33. been blessed with the best friends a girl could ask for.
34. only wanted the very best for my sister, Leah.
35. never missed my parents more than I do today, except maybe tomorrow.
36. had more perfect moments than one person should be allowed.
37. made a baby with a man I admire, love and respect.
38. never tired of hearing “Mommy”.
39. a lot more living to do and tons more to learn.

Here’s looking forward to the next 39 years!
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Remembering Whitney

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