Letters For Lucas

Wonders, Mishaps, Blunders and Joy.. commentary on my life as a mom in the form of letters to my son

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Two Under Two

Posted on March 31, 2010 Written by Tonya

Our neighbors have two little boys, Pierce, who is almost two and Roman, who is 10 months (exactly two weeks older than you).

Last night we had the pleasure of watching Roman for a little over an hour while his mom took his older brother to the ER. Pierce ran into a bench and thankfully only ended up needing two stitches on the bridge of his nose. Poor little guy. I am so glad that I was at home and could help out.

But, the point of my post today is that I realized that having two children under the age of two is hard work and I only had to do it by myself for roughly 20 minutes before your dad got home. I don’t know how mothers do it!? Valium? You’ve got one going one way and the other going another. One needs to be changed, while the other wants to be picked up. It has to be a master juggling act, is all I can say about it and that I have A LOT more respect for mothers that do it and make it look so effortless today than I did yesterday. Especially working mothers, like my neighbor. Here’s to you, because let’s face it, there is NOTHING effortless about having a child, let alone TWO!

Don’t get me wrong, aside from you getting noticeably irritated/concerned/jealous when your dad or I held Roman, both of you were delightful together and very well behaved.

We want to have another baby (most days) and have them be close in age, but in doing the quick math, if all goes as planned (the stars are aligned and the universe is on our side) we, too will be members of the distinguished group known as parents of Two Under Two. I sort of shutter at the thought….

My question to all of you mothers of two out there is: A) how did you plan (timing/age wise) for your second child? and B) did you do so knowing that you would have two under two? And, lastly, is it as challenging as it seems? Don’t lie!! 🙂

The best is yet to be.

Day 36/100

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Filed Under: advice, challenges, friends, motherhood, parenting

Wonderful, Exhausting Motherhood

Posted on March 25, 2010 Written by Tonya

“It’d be nice if something made sense every once in a while” – Alice

How long am I considered a “new” mother? Sometimes I don’t feel like I am any more experienced today than I was nine months ago. Sure, I know a few more things, but I am by no means a pro.

My son has been sleeping through the night for months, but how long does my sleep deprivation last? I am tired all the time! Last night I went to bed to sleep at 8:30 and tonight will be similar, I’m sure. I’m “on” all the time, so the minute my head hits the pillow, I’m out!

I love talking candidly with my fellow “new” mom friends about the frustrations that come with our roles and how every day is so utterly mundane, yet also so vastly different from the next. I have found that not all mothers will talk so openly about how hard this is, so it’s refreshing to find someone that will. Thanks, Jenn, if you are reading this. I love our walks and talks. We need to be able to vent and be open and honest about our feelings. I do, anyway. It revives me and lets me know that I’m not alone in this crazy wonderful, exhausting thing called motherhood.

I love how Debra Gilbert Rosenberg describes motherhood in her book The New Mom’s Companion: Care for Yourself While You Care for Your Newborn:

“New mothers enter the world of parenting feeling much like Alice in Wonderland.

  • Being a mother is one of the most rewarding jobs on earth and also one of the most challenging.
  • Motherhood is a process. Learn to love the process.
  • There is a tremendous amount of learning that takes place in the first year of your baby’s life; the baby learns a lot, too.
  • It is sometimes difficult to reconcile the fantasy of what you thought motherhood would be like, and what you thought you would be like as a mother, with reality.
  • Take care of yourself. If Mommy isn’t happy, no one else in the family is happy either.
  • New mother generally need to lower their expectations.
  • A good mother learns to love her child as he is and adjusts her mothering to suit her child.”

Nothing else in my life has changed me the way motherhood has, not going away to college, not getting married, not losing a loved one. It’s completely shocking and there is a lot that no one tells you about motherhood before you experience it for yourself. It is one of life’s greatest mysteries and yet, if we are lucky, we all do it.

I forge ahead knowing that the best is yet to be.

Day 30/100

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Filed Under: change, friends, motherhood, quotes

Ink

Posted on March 21, 2010 Written by Tonya

I missed you while I was away, but my trip to Vegas was everything I hoped it would be and more. I got a little sun, won a little money, had some amazing meals and shared lots of laughs with my friends and got inked!

I got my first tattoo in 1993 with four high school girlfriends, all of which I am still friends with: Katie, Kendra, Kristin and Sara. We were all in Phoenix for a mini reunion, attending the graduation of our friends and after breakfast one morning with nothing else planned to do, we decided to get tattoos. We couldn’t agree what we would all get, but we did agree where we wanted to get it (our right hips).

We soon found a tattoo parlor and after consent forms had been signed and we drew numbers to see who would go first (I was third), we were pouring though albums of artwork and scouring the walls of the shop to find the perfect design. I chose a sunflower, my favorite flower. Over the years, everyone has added to their tattoo or got another one (or more).

They say once you get one tattoo, you are likely to get another….

I got my second tattoo, a beautiful angel wing on my right ankle, in August 2002 on a weekend visit to help your aunt Leah move into her dorm at U of A. She was going to get one then too, but chickened out at the last minute. She has since gotten one and has had it embellished.

After dinner on Thursday night at Nove at the Palms hotel, my friend Diana and I both found ourselves at Huntington Ink, the most over priced tattoo shop on the strip! We were committed so there was no turning back. My newest addition, taking all of three minutes and didn’t hurt a bit, is two small stars on the top of my right foot. I have been wanting them for almost three years and had often drew them on to see how they would look. Once my parents died, I really wanted them in their memory.

Tattoos are permanent and each one of mine has deep and personal meaning. I have no regrets about any of them; they are a part of me and I love them.

The best is yet to be.

Day 26/100

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Filed Under: friends, grief, milestones, update Tagged With: friends, grief, milestones, update

Viva Las Vegas

Posted on March 18, 2010 Written by Tonya

March Madness* AKA “The Big Dance” refers to the annual NCAA Division I Men’s Basketball Tournament. This tournament, held late March through early April, is a single-elimination tournament in which 65 teams compete against each other over the course of a three weeks for a shot at a national championship.

During this time, teams will be moving up one tier at a time, working through to the Sweet Sixteen, the Elite Eight, the Final Four and eventually into the finals. This is the season where basketball nuts become completely crazy cheering on their favorite team in the hope for a championship.

March Madness is also one of the reasons for my annual weekend girl’s trip to Las Vegas! What better place to watch college ball, hang out with my friends, enjoy some fine dining, pampering, the pool and do a little gambling, dancing and celebrating? I have been looking forward to landing on this page of my calendar for weeks….

My good friend, Kathryn’s birthday falls right smack dab in the middle of March too, so she is the other reason we go. Although, we try not to let it go to her head, after all, she has earned the nickname Birthdayzilla for a reason! Kat, if you are reading this, you know I love you.

This year will mark my seventh trip, but some have been going for 10 years! I missed out last year because I was pregnant and Vegas is not a whole lot of fun if you can’t drink, plus is hard to escape all the cigarette smoke, so I am really looking forward to this year’s getaway.

This trip will also mark my first TWO nights away from you. So far, I have spent six single nights away from you, but never TWO consecutive nights and I’m a little nervous. I know you are in good hands, that’s not what I’m worried about. I’m worried about me! I am going to miss you so much, but I am going to try to enjoy the time away and be in the moment. I wonder if you’ll even notice that I’m gone?

*The term “March Madness” was coined by Henry V. Porter in 1939. Originally the term was used to refer to the Illinois High School Basketball Tournament. Later the NCAA picked it up after a small legal battle with the Illinois High School Association. March Madness was then used to refer to the collegiate national basketball tournament. This was started in 1939 by National Association of Basketball Coaches and only had eight contending teams at the time.

Bear Down, Arizona!! Oh, wait, they didn’t even make it to the tournament this year (the first time in 25 years!). 🙁

The best is yet to be.

Day 23/100

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Filed Under: friends, me time, milestones

I Might Secretly Be A Dog Person

Posted on February 3, 2010 Written by Tonya

I am not a big fan of cats. Most cats that I have met and owned are finicky, aloof and act as though they are doing you a favor by existing. I’m also allergic to cats, so that has always put a strain on our relationship.

I find fish fascinating and can spend hours staring at an aquarium. It’s soothing and relaxing to watch them move gracefully, effortlessly through the water.

I had pets (cats, dogs and fish) growing up, but I don’t think I’m completely comfortable around animals and certainly don’t have a need to have one in my life.

Until I met Winston.

Winston is a beautiful Weimaraner that belongs to your dad’s friend, Edwin. Edwin adopted Winston from a Weimaraner rescue in Los Angeles and we were lucky enough to get to know this amazing creature last April when we dog sat over Easter weekend. I fell in love with Winston. I fell in love with this dog’s sweet nature, kind eyes, and overall curiosity. He was protective of me and my seven month pregnant belly (AKA you!) and even though in a new environment (not by choice), within hours, it was as though he belonged. It was a highlight of my year (2009: A Year To Remember).

Shortly after our weekend of walks, treats, tricks and only what can be described as pure joy, I read the book The Art of Racing in the Rain by Garth Stein. This unique novel is told from the perspective of Enzo, the family dog.

Enzo knows he is different from other dogs: a philosopher with a nearly human soul (and an obsession with opposable thumbs), he has educated himself by watching television extensively, and by listening very closely to the words of his master, Denny Swift, an up-and-coming race car driver. Through Denny, Enzo has gained tremendous insight into the human condition, and he sees that life, like racing, isn’t simply about going fast. Using the techniques needed on the race track, one can successfully navigate all of life’s ordeals.

On the eve of his death, Enzo takes stock of his life, recalling all that he and his family have been through: the sacrifices Denny has made to succeed professionally; the unexpected loss of Eve, Denny’s wife; the three-year battle over their daughter, Zoe, whose maternal grandparents pulled every string to gain custody. In the end, despite what he sees as his own limitations, Enzo comes through heroically to preserve the Swift family, holding in his heart the dream that Denny will become a racing champion with Zoe at his side. Having learned what it takes to be a compassionate and successful person, the wise canine can barely wait until his next lifetime, when he is sure he will return as a man.

This book made me angry, sad, helpless, hurt, frustrated, grateful, hopeful and happy. What more can you ask from a book? Enzo’s Buddha-like observations will stick with you long after you lend it to a friend or put it or your shelf of favorites: “That which you manifest is before you.”

I could not have read this book at a better time in my life. We had just spent an unforgettable weekend with an incredible canine and the phrase “man’s best friend” all of a sudden made perfect sense. Maybe it was my “nesting” taking over or motherly instincts kicking in, but
Winston’s stay with us made an impact on me and whenever I think about him, I smile.

Last night, my friend and true animal lover, Nancy and I got the rare opportunity to attend a speaking and book signing by Garth Stein at Warwick’s, one of my favorite independent book stores in La Jolla. He was everything that I wanted him to be…adorable, charming, funny and working on his next novel. 🙂 It was such a treat to get a glimpse of what the author went through to create The Art of Racing in the Rain and the struggle to have it published.

The best is yet to be and I see a family dog in our future.

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Filed Under: book review, friends, me time, Winston

Thank You, Friends

Posted on February 1, 2010 Written by Tonya

“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.” – Bernanrd Meltzer

Watching the Grammys was a lot of fun last night and a great escape. It allowed me to clear my head a little and relax. In other words, it took my mind off of Cranial Technologies, the DOC Band, my son’s imperfect head, what other people think and the tough decisions that come with parenthood.

It also helped to discuss my dilemma/guilt/frustrations/sadness/shame with my friends today. Just talking about it made it real, easier to comfort and put it all into perspective. Where would I be without my friends?! Each and every one (four in all) I spoke to made me feel better about our situation and more important didn’t make me feel shallow or crazy. I’m not surprised, that’s the beauty of friends, isn’t it? 🙂 They lift us up when we are feeling down, share our heavy loads, make us take a good long look at ourselves when we most need to, and above all, love and care for us unconditionally. I am blessed to have such amazing women and all fellow mothers in my my corner and in my life.

I also sincerely appreciate the comments from my faithful blog readers to Saturday’s post.

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

The best is yet to be.

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Filed Under: doc band, friends, motherhood, quotes

Chickmas

Posted on December 13, 2009 Written by Tonya

As I have already shared, (Creature Of Habit) I don’t cook, but occasionally I do enjoy baking. ‘Tis the season and because my PMS is in full swing, last night, after we put you to bed, my sister and I watched It’s a Wonderful Life and made cookies. Peanut Butter Blossoms with Hershey’s Kisses and Oatmeal Chocolate Chip to be exact and they didn’t turn out half bad. In other words, they were perfect and hit the spot! Well, I can’t be trusted with eight dozen cookies in my house, so I’m sharing them.

Tonight is what my girlfriends and I affectionately call Chickmas, where we get together, act silly, enjoy too much wine (or is it enjoy too much wine and then act silly?) and have a sort of white elephant-type gift exchange. Except in this gift exchange, the gifts are pretty nice (or naughty) and so ensues the stealing of the gifts. My dear friend, Nancy hosts this much anticipated soiree and it’s always a very fun night.

Here’s hoping my cookies will be a big hit at the party and that I end up with a great steal-worthy gift. 🙂

The best is yet to be. Happy Chickmas, everyone!

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Filed Under: friends, holidays

A Token Of Love And Friendship

Posted on November 5, 2009 Written by Tonya

Today I received a very sweet gift from one of my oldest and dearest friends, Sophie; two Kimmidolls. I had never seen them before and they are just too adorable! Each come with a lovely message of love and friendship.

I am now the proud owner of Tomomi, ‘Friend’ who came with this message:

My spirit is positive and supportive.
In your relationships you reveal my spirit by supporting, encouraging and caring.
By always believing in the best in others and wishing them well, you show the spirit of a friend.

and Akemi, ‘Bright and Beautiful’:

My spirit shines and adorns.
Live my spirit. Let the beauty of your personality shine, to brighten and adorn the world. Celebrate your unique spirit and share its light and beauty with all.

Sophie and I met in The Gambia, West Africa in 1985 and together we caused several of the gray hairs atop our parents heads. We were partners in crime literally and figuratively and almost inseparable for almost three years. I miss Sophie as much today as I did when I moved away from The Gambia and wish that there weren’t so many miles between us (she and her family now live in New Caledonia). I haven’t seen her since 2000, when she and her then boyfriend, now husband met me in Paris for what to this day is still one of my most memorable weekends.

Sophie and I have a beautiful friendship despite the distance between us and I love her dearly. I know in my heart that I will see her again, meet her darling daughters and introduce her to you.

Friendship is such a beautiful gift to give and receive. Thank you, Sophie! xoxo

The best is yet to be.

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Filed Under: friends, sophie, warm fuzzy Tagged With: friends, sophie, warm fuzzy

My ipod Has Schizophrenia

Posted on October 14, 2009 Written by Tonya

I believe that everything is better with music and I love all different types; from bubble gum pop and jazz to Jay-Z and Radiohead (okay, Radiohead is one of your dad’s favorite bands, not mine, but I do have a two of their songs on my iPod).

Music is an incredibly powerful thing; it has the ability to uplift and motivate like nothing else. Just the right tune can put a smile on my face, a spring in my step, a wish in my heart or tear in my eye. It can make a long boring car ride more bearable and household chores dare I say, more fun to power through. It gives me that little extra something to go another few minutes on the treadmill.

I play music for you everyday. I have 15 days or 5316 songs on my iPod, so there is A LOT to choose from. My Essential playlist (otherwise known as the playlist of music I would have to have were I ever to find myself stranded on a deserted island and could only take one playlist), which you have probably listened to the most, includes 100 of my all time favorite songs. It is as eclectic as the rest of my music library. The first 10 songs are:

1. Ghost In You – The Psychedelic Furs
2. Rump Shaker – Wreckx-N-Effect
3. Melissa – The Allman Brothers Band
4. Anna Begins – Counting Crows
5. Love – Matt White
6. Peek-A-Boo – Sioxsie and the Banshees
7. Theme from “A Summer Place” – The Lettermen
8. Hallelujah – k.d. lang
9. Pig – Dave Matthews Band
10. Crazy – Patsy Cline

Each song is gorgeous, haunting and fun in their own special way. I think you can figure out which is which. 🙂

Music to me is like the sense of smell for others. It helps trigger a memory and hearing a certain song can bring me right back to that moment in time. For example, “Drive” by The Cars was my first slow dance, “Fade Into You” by Mazzy Star was the song playing on the radio when I got into my first(!) car accident, “Just Like Heaven” by The Cure will always remind me of dancing the night away in Newport Beach with my college roommate and our boyfriends, “You are the Sunshine of My Life” by Stevie Wonder is the song my sister sang at my wedding and “Addicted to Love” by Robert Palmer will always make me think of my dad. Actually, a lot of songs remind me of my dad, but that one in particular. He couldn’t get enough of the video featuring the scantily clad long legged chicks.

I am not a very good dancer, but I can carry a tune and you sure seem to like it when I start to move and groove and belt out with the chorus. I hope I am instilling in you an appreciation for music, if not a move or two you may bust out later in life.

The best is yet to be.

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Filed Under: aunt leah, college, DMB, family, friends, happy thoughts, list, memories, MSA, music, pastime, TDA bio, wedding Tagged With: aunt leah, college, DMB, family, friends, happy thoughts, list, memoires, MSA, music, pastime, TDA bio, wedding

Text Messages I Never Thought I’d Send (Or Receive)

Posted on September 21, 2009 Written by Tonya

When Lucas was born, one of my friends had a three month old and another was still pregnant with her first. Over the course of those first four months of our being new mommies, the text messages between us were indicative of what we were going through, the highs and lows of being new parents and the wonder and mystery of very uncharted territory. Thank goodness for our friends!

Some of these are to and from Todd as well.

These are definitely texts I never thought I’d send or receive: 

Already had a poop blow out and got spit up on…it’s going to be a great day! Grr! Sent September 21

My kid is gassing up a storm right now while I feed him. Stinky boy. Received September 18

Seriously, how do you get rid of the stinky milk ring around the neck smell?! Sent September 17

My size 10 jeans are too big…finally! I miss my old body! Sent September 12

I am cracking myself up, I just fed LMW in Bjorn with one hand while I ate a Subway sandwich with the other. I should have had someone take a picture. Sent September 11

I believe my 13 week old just gave me the cold shoulder. Sent September 5

My son has already had three outfits on today and I’m still in my jammies! Sent August 27

LMW was a super star on the plane!! I am so relieved. Sent August 14

Back in my old bra size today! Yay!! Sent August 13

I wish my hair would just stop coming out. This is nuts. 6 months of it! Received August 11

I almost just donated your son to Goodwill!! He has been screaming for 15 minutes and counting! Sent August 6

It’s amazing how with LMW a trip to Chipotle can turn into a drive through Del Taco. Received August 1

I just got my first “real” smile. My heart is melting. Sent July 22

Just got spit up between my toes! Sent July 20

LMW just had the biggest poop blow out that I cut his onesie off and threw it away! Ah, the joys of mommyhood. Sent July 16

LMW has officially outgrown his newborn diapers! Sent July 8

It’s almost 4:30 and I just got around to brushing my teeth! This new parent thing is tough. Sent June 22

Alone with Lucas for the first time today. So far so good… Sent June 16

Our living room looks like a Babies R Us! Sent June 13

Happy circumcision day! Received June 11

I feel like I have been let in on one of the world’s greatest kept secrets: parenthood! Sent June 11

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Filed Under: change, friends, list, milestones, motherhood, TBW Tagged With: change, friends, list, milestones, motherhood, TBW

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