Letters For Lucas

Wonders, Mishaps, Blunders and Joy.. commentary on my life as a mom in the form of letters to my son

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Getting To Know You

Posted on August 28, 2009 Written by Tonya

While your dad was on a business trip in Monterey, you and I spent our very first night alone together (Monday, August 10, 2009) and I sent him this list of a few things that I had learned about you so far:

  • Lucas is very strong-willed and moody (just like his Mommy). One minute he is happy and smiling and the next screaming his head off because the light is too bright, he wants to be in a different position, or no one is paying attention to him and then as soon as his need is addressed, he is happy again…until the next time.
  • He loves to cuddle, snuggle and bury himself in our chests and arm pits. The more awkward the position, the more comfortable he is.
  • His face lights up whenever he sees me or hears his Daddy’s voice.
  •  He loves light, shadows, the ceiling fan in our bedroom, the plants and trees in our garden and gripping onto our shirts, his “napkins” and blankets.
  • He HATES his car seat and screams bloody murder for the first 10-20 minutes he is in it. Then he’ll pass out and sleep for the rest of the outing.
  • He doesn’t like to have his diaper changed, but doesn’t like being in a dirty diaper so as soon as the changing is done he is all smiles.
  • He loves to eat and can barely go 3 1/2 hours in between feedings.
  • No matter how tight we swaddle him, he finds a way to get his arms free.
  •  For such a little someone who doesn’t do much but lay around, somehow he still manages to get grim under his fingernails. Maybe he’ll be a mechanic?
  •  If he concentrates really hard, he can grab my hand.
  •  His smiles melt my heart.

I continue to learn something new about you every day, buddy.

The best is yet to be.

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Filed Under: change, e-mail, list, TBW Tagged With: change, e-mail, list, TBW

Thoughts Shared With A Friend

Posted on August 28, 2009 Written by Tonya

Here is an excerpt from an e-mail I sent to a friend on Thursday, May 14, 2009 (one month before your due date):

I can’t believe that I’ll be a mommy a month from now, if not sooner! At my last OB appointment I was told our little guy could make his appearance up to eleven days early (!) based on his size. I am still planning to deliver vaginally and without drugs, so I hope he doesn’t get much bigger!! I’ll be nine months along on Saturday.

I think I’m ready for this adventure…sort of. His room is finally done and all of his clothes, towels and sheets have been washed, we have taken the classes and have what I am sure is way too much stuff. I mean, for God’s sake, how many onesies do we need? Not to mention spit rags and wash cloths?! It’s crazy. T. will put together his bassinet this weekend, which we plan on having in our room for the first few months, as I will be breast feeding and it will make it easier on me and everything else will hopefully fall into place when and as it should.

Emotionally, I’m not quite there yet. I like him being inside me where I can protect him 100% and I’m starting to worry about being alone with him and knowing how to meet his needs, once T. goes back to work, my sister has left and so has my dear, sweet, generous friend, S. I don’t know if I have mentioned her to you before, but I have known S. for 10 years and worked with her at two different companies. She has two grown children, four grandchildren and is one of my very best friends. S. has offered to come stay with us for a few days once we bring the baby home and I know she will be a Godsend!! It’s what happens after she leaves that I guess I’m trying to get my head and heart wrapped around….the fact that my world as I know it, is about to change FOREVER and that’s a very scary thought.

Being pregnant and being this close to delivery makes me miss my own parents and realize on a much deeper level how much they loved me and cared for me and worried about me. I wish they were here. They would have been wonderful grandparents. I am in the process of making a little book for the baby with 5×7 laminated head shots of our immediate family; Grandma and Grandpa A. included. We want our son to know all about them and how much they would have loved him. It’s turning out really well and hopefully will be a treasured item.

I also have these insane visions of yanking off his arm while trying to dress him or watching him fall on the floor. Ludicrous, I know, but not completely impossible!

My back has started to ache a lot in the last week and there’s not much I can do to alleviate the pain. Walking helps, so I do that a lot!

Well, you can clearly tell where my head is at these days….24/7 baby!

I think it’s interesting (and rather sad) to note that I don’t talk to this “friend” very much anymore. I certainly didn’t get the response from her that I was looking for, not that I thought I would or could, we were and are in totally different places in our lives right now. She is footloose and fancy free, AKA single and looking and I’m a mommy.

The best is yet to be.

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Filed Under: change, e-mail, family, loss Tagged With: change, e-mail, family, friends, loss, pregnancy

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