parenthood

My Second Child

Posted on August 8, 2016 Written by Tonya

It’s true what they say about second children, they totally get the shaft. There’s fewer photos, less fanfare surrounding milestones, they tend to fend for themselves on occasion, enjoy the snot out of all the hand-me-downs and are inadvertently overlooked from time to time.

Take this blog for instance, I started writing Letters For Lucas shortly after Lucas, my first born was two months old. I wanted a place to record his every move and share my, what I thought at the time, were deep and profound thoughts on motherhood.

It was my first time and this was my online diary of what we were both experiencing, a baby book of sorts. Letters For Lucas literally started just as that, letters to my son. It eventually grew in many ways and has sadly now all but been abandoned. I treasure this space and wish I had more time to write. I often think about having the whole thing printed because I don’t want to lose these words, these memories, and I feel guilty not sharing letters, thoughts and wonderful happenings about Lola here.

My second child, my daughter, my precious sweet Lola. The child we longed and waited so patiently for. Lola brings so much joy to our lives and it is hard to believe that she just turned 2 1/2. She is a sassy girl and we love her to pieces.

Lola started preschool this summer. Eek! She goes three mornings a week to the same preschool Lucas attended and loves it and this morning was the first that she blew me kisses and waved goodbye instead of crying and pleading with me to stay.

She started taking ballet classes this summer too and and next to riding her scooter or big brother’s hand-me-down bike, it’s one of her favorite things to do.

Spunky and smart, Lola is the perfect combination of girly and sporty, which I adore. She loves books and playing with Thomas the Tank Engine and his friends, pushing one my old dolls around in a baby stroller and having bumper car remote control car races with Lucas all over our living room.

We are in the process of potty training and soon she will be in a “big girl” bed. Later this month she’ll be a flower girl in my sister’s wedding and you know I can’t wait to share those photos! Now, if I could just find her the perfect flower girl dress.

And will you please take a look at this little nut in goggles?!

Oh, my heart, my sweet Lola.

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No Longer A Rookie

Posted on May 21, 2015 Written by Tonya

Having battled unexplained secondary infertility for over three years, I know it is completely irresponsible to say this, but anyone who has one child, really should have two.

Not only is a sibling great for teaching communication skills and learning how to share, but it also creates a built-in lifelong friendship and promotes the value of teamwork. I honestly can’t wait until my youngest, Lola is old enough to work together with her brother, Lucas to go head to head with me and my husband. I want them to plan and scheme and support one another always.

Apart from all the sibling benefits, having a second child has made me a better mother to my first.

With four-and-a-half-years between them, I am such a different, more relaxed mother to Lola than I ever was to Lucas.

With Lucas, I was such a rookie! I was anxious and worried most of the time. I tried to stick to a “schedule” as much as I could, consulted charts, tracked development and marked milestones, called his pediatrician A LOT and made sure he ate an all organic diet until he was two years old and there was never dessert. I hovered far too much. Because that’s what you do with your first. I didn’t know any different. I was going crazy trying to be a “good mom”.

With Lola, I’m WAY more at ease. I didn’t have that sense of calm with my first. I give her a lot more freedom and I know that she’s okay. In large part, my comfort is due to the four-and-a-half-years of experience I gained from Lucas. Where I was unsure the first time around, I am loving this confident mom I am becoming. And that ease has transferred to the way I am with Lucas. I’m not as rigid with him as I used to be.

I still have anxiety and worries but knowing ~~sort of~~ what to expect is so comforting, especially in these early stages. Lola is only 15 months old.

Lucas was my whole world for so long and received a lot of undivided attention before his little sister was born and I was fearful that Lola wouldn’t benefit from that, but because of the age gap, Lucas is in school five days a week for 5+ hours per day and has activities beyond that leaving Lola and I lots of bonding time. Sometimes Lucas is actually the one to get the shaft now that Lola is so young and still depends on me for all of her needs. That makes me sad, but I know it won’t also be this way. She’s growing more independent every day.

Even though my children are different from one another and I try to keep the comparisons at bay, I know that there are many obstacles ahead of us and mothering traits I haven’t even begun to tap into, I’m just happy not to be a rookie mom anymore. I’m happy to have found some self-assurance and I can only hope that both my children are benefiting from it!

Of course, ask me tomorrow and I’ll probably be pulling my hair out feeling anything but confident.

10 Things My Parents Did Right

Posted on March 23, 2015 Written by Tonya

It’s easy to hold my parents up on a very high pedestal since they are no longer living, but they really were good people. Warm and funny and able to talk to anyone. They dedicated their lives to educating children all over the world and always made me feel special. They did a lot of things wrong but they also did a lot of things right.

10 Things My Parents Taught Me:

1. How to be a good friend.
My parents taught me how to be a good friend, trustworthy and honest and always have a strong moral compass. They showed me the importance of sticking up for the underdog while treating everyone with kindness and respect. They also taught me to practice hospitality. The door to our house was always open and my family loved to entertain guests and made anyone who entered our home feel comfortable.

2. A love of reading.
My parents instilled a love of reading in me early in life. The walls of our home were lined with books, my first word was “book” and I remember getting my first library card at the age of five.

3. Respect for myself.
A small example of this would be that a boy should never honk the horn and expect me to come running out to his car, he should get out, walk up to the door and greet my parents. This only happened to me once.

4. How to have fun.
I was taught that there is a time for work, a time for play, and maybe even a time for both.

5. Compassion for my fellowman.
My parents gave when they were able and taught me that I should always show mercy and kindness towards other people and treat them in a way that I want to be treated.

6. A love of school and learning.
My parents taught me to value education and to excel in school. Maybe because they were educators themselves, but I have always loved school and hold a very special place in my heart for teachers.

7. A love of travel.
My parents decided to work and live overseas when I was seven-years-old and we never looked back. Their career spanned almost 30 years in seven different countries, many of them third world. My childhood was spent in four different countries and seeing so many different cultures was an amazing way to grow up. I have had the “travel bug” forever and continue to enjoy long journeys to far away places in large part due to my mom and dad’s adventurous spirit.

8. Argue in private.
I can’t even count on one hand the number of arguments I witnessed my parents having, although I’m sure they did. They weren’t perfect but to my knowledge they kept that side of their marriage separate from me.

9. The art of conversation.
I swear my mom and dad could talk to anyone! They always expressed an interest in my friends and it was important to them to get to know them, even some of the unfavorable boys I dated. My father was particularly comfortable with strangers and curious about where the people he met came from and what made them tick.

10. They let me go when I was ready to leave.
As a mother myself, this must be the hardest parenting task there is. And also the most critical. My mom and dad did it beautifully and continued to love me unconditionally and support the decisions I made as an adult.

I miss my parents everyday and wish so much that they could see me as a mother. I wish I could turn to them for parenting advice. I draw on how I was raised to raise my children and I can only hope that I am doing it right.

What did your parents do right?

What I’ll Miss

Posted on October 27, 2014 Written by Tonya

As I sit down on the couch to fold a load of my children’s clothes, still fresh and warm from the dryer I start to think of all the things I am going to miss.

Lola’s owl pajamas trimmed in sea foam green, the long-sleeve onesie that says “I love Daddy” across the front, Lucas’s Star Wars and superhero T-shirts, socks embedded with sand, and a pair of camouflage pants with a stain on the knee that no matter how hard I try, can’t seem to remove.

These little clothes.

They are outgrowing them faster than I’d like.

Faster than I imagined.

There’s other things too; morning “Mommy snuggles”, as Lucas calls them, him telling me I’m beautiful, coming up behind me and hugging my legs, asking for one more book or to “play with me”, his sneaky screen time shenanigans/negotiations, willingly wearing whatever I lay out for him each day and the questions. So many questions! Someday he’ll know more than me and have way more credible sources.

Lola is on her way to walking and with that will come a freedom she’s never known. It’s an exciting and witnessing a baby experience things for the first time is pure magic. Right now it is a daily occurrence and so hard to believe we are nine months into a year of her firsts.

It goes by fast. I’ve heard it from day one of becoming a mother and it’s true. Cliché, but the truest statement about parenthood.

One day you’re rocking your newborn to sleep in a freshly painted nursery with new sheets on a crib surrounded by stuffed animals and diapers and other baby paraphernalia you never even knew existed trying to remember the words to “Hush, Little Baby” and the next, you’re sending them off to kindergarten with a backpack twice their size, reviewing sight words, hosting sleepovers, building with Legos and worried that soon you won’t be able to pick them up any longer.

I love being a mother. I especially love being a mother to Lucas and Lola. Each day is eerily similar but also very different from the last.

I adore these children, these little humans full of life and love and growing and changing right before my eyes. There are more things than I cannot count about these precious days and these precious people I will miss.

A Parenting Lesson In Preparedness: Lucas Lost His First Tooth!

Posted on July 30, 2014 Written by Tonya

You know you’re a mom when on the rare occasion you go out of town, monumental things will happen at home.

Okay, so that’s a little dramatic, but Lola did officially start crawling over the weekend I was in San Jose at BlogHer 2014 (I’ll share a recap post on the conference in a few days).

And Todd sent me this photo of Lucas’s first loose tooth!

So exciting.

I had visions of going to the bank for crisp $2 bills, carefully painting the bills with glitter glue and downloading a template for Tooth Fairy stationary. A visit from the Tooth Fairy is very special, especially when it’s your first one.

I was reassured by my fellow mom friends that it takes a few days for a loose tooth to come out so I wasn’t too worried about it coming out while I was away.

Well, it happened last night! After a long day at Super Hero summer camp, karate lessons and a fun dinner out with friends, it was very late when we got home, way after bedtime late.

Lucas had been saying in the car that is tooth felt “looser” so he rushed to show his dad as soon as we walked through the door. Todd only had to wiggle the tooth slightly and after four days of being loose, it came out!

Why does everything happen at bedtime?

While Todd bathed and fed Lola, Lucas and I wrote a letter to the Tooth Fairy, I snapped a couple of terrible photos and then read him two books because even though it was well after his bedtime, he can’t go to bed without a story. I was trying to keep calm and not think about all the rushing around I would soon be engaging.

Once Lucas was safely asleep, I was scouring Pinterest for ideas, drafting a letter from the Tooth Fairy, asking about the going rate for baby teeth on Twitter, dragging out the printer, painting a $10 bill with glitter, drying it with a hairdryer and destroying any evidence. All at 11:00 at night.

Oy, the lengths we go to, right?

Neither of us had a $5 bill and Todd actually offered to go out and make change but we decided that was where we draw the line.

My advice to parents of new five-year-olds about to lose teeth, get your shit together early. You can thank me later!

Conversations About Kindergarten

Posted on July 16, 2014 Written by Tonya

It’s already starting.

I can physically feel him slowly pulling away from me, needing me less and less.

I knew it would happen. Not at five, but eventually.

Lucas, what are you looking forward to about your new school?

Making new friends.

Anything else?

Having a new teacher.

Are you feeling nervous at all?

No.

You know it’s a much bigger school then the one you are used to and while the teachers will help you, it’s okay to feel nervous.

I know.

And you can talk to Mommy and Daddy about any feelings you’re having, good or bad. It’s perfectly normal to be nervous when you go someplace you’ve never been before with people you’ve never met before.

I know. At least Katherine and Colby will be there.

True.

Do you think I’ll be able to take the bus?

Um, that might be an option. [Thinking: NOT A CHANCE IN HELL!] You don’t want Mommy to drop you off and pick you up each day?

Yeah, but I also think it would be nice to walk in all by myself.

Audible painful sigh. Can sighs be painful?

Well, why don’t we talk to Daddy and see what he thinks. It’s always good to diffuse/put off/rely on the other parent in times like these, no?

Okay.

To date, this has to be one of the most crushing things I’ve heard come out of my son’s mouth. Crushing and true.

He’s growing up, my little boy.

My five-year-old.

My kindergartner.

He wants to take the bus! Eek!!

Growing up is easy, it’s the letting go that’s hard.

I’m That Mom

Posted on April 23, 2014 Written by Tonya

I have ironed my four-year-old’s shirt for school because I want him to look put together and “proper”. I’ve also let him go to school with toothpaste on his collar and a dried milk mustache.

I’ve never worn slippers to my son’s preschool but I have gone without a bra.

I’ll show up 20 minutes early to pick Lucas up on the first day back to school after Spring Break because I missed him but I’ve also (one time only!) been 13 minutes late.

I’ll make declarations that under no circumstances will I buy anything at the toy store and then cave and get something because I want to play with it too.

I make mundane chores like unloading the dishwasher and sorting laundry seem like games so that my son will help me.

I’ve left the house without diapers or bottles, but enough of Lucas’s favorite snacks to feed a small country.

I’ve handed over my phone at 6:30 in the morning so that Lucas could Angry Birds Go! and I could get a few extra minutes of sleep but I’ve also gotten up earlier than that to make chocolate croissants, pack his lunch and assemble 25 snack bags for his classmates.

I’ll make plans and promises to do something and then let my son down, but I hope I’ve also exceeded his expectations with elaborate outings, surprise play dates and fun after school arts and crafts.

I’ve chased my boy around the park playing hide-and-seek until I was sweaty and out of breath and I’ve also sat quietly on a bench and watched him navigate monkey bars and potential new friends.

I’ve lied and said I didn’t know the answer to one of his million questions and I’ve also taken the time to explain things in great detail, looked up poisonous frogs on the Internet and searched for images of Katy Perry so he could “see what she looks like”.

I’ve tucked Lucas into bed to read on his own and I’ve also kept him up past his bedtime to read all 8 newly checked out of the library books.

Parenting is full of contradictions. Some days it’s more no’s than yes’s, lots of yelling and high levels of frustration and others it’s full of synergy, connection and giggles. You win some and you lose some. My children make me weak and strong and everything in between. I hope they always feel my love.

I’m *that* mom.

The one you sometimes roll your eyes at because she seems to have everything together, all the balls are somehow magically juggling perfectly in sync and she has a total Martha Stewart thing going on or you’ve rolled your eyes and scoffed because she (and her children) appear completely clueless, disengaged and disheveled, she’s late, misses deadlines and always looks like she just rolled out of bed.

Yep, I’m *that* mom.

Aren’t you?

After The Ground Shakes

Posted on March 29, 2014 Written by Tonya

It was shortly after 9 PM when a magnitude 5.1 earthquake centered at La Habra near Los Angeles rolled Southern California Friday night.

My husband was out for the evening, Lola was asleep in her bassinet in our room and I had left Lucas to look at books on his own 45 minutes earlier and knew he had to be asleep. I was enjoying a quiet minute and contemplating taking a shower.

All of a sudden the house started to shake. I panicked for a split second and then made my way to our walk-in closet for some reason. All the clothes on the hangers were swaying. I had never seen anything like that before and it was very creepy. I was nervous because I couldn’t remember what to do in case of an earthquake… Do I stand in a door way, crawl under the bed, what about the kids, why don’t we have an earthquake kit? Ugh, of all the nights for Todd to be out.

The jolt lasted a good 10 seconds.

Which is a long time if you think about it.

I texted Todd and he called me back right away, having been driving he didn’t feel a thing. As I talked to him, I walked down the hall to Lucas’s room.

I found him trembling knees to chest on his bed. What was that, he asked. Trying to remain calm I told him it was an earthquake. He said he thought the dog had been under his bed and then he asked if Lola was okay. How sweet is he? I asked him if he was scared and admitted that I was too. The house isn’t suppose to move like that!

I brought him into my room and turned on the TV (big mistake!!). We were both glued to news coverage for the next half hour, which prompted a lot of questions, especially when it was reported that Disneyland had shut down rides due to the quake. This is standard protocol for the Anaheim theme park, which is less than 10 miles from La Habra. Once the news coverage started to loop, I turned the TV off.

Lucas was then concerned about where daddy was because “it’s better when there are two parents”. He is so right! Todd arrived home safely and we all snuggled in our bed together. Lola soon joined us.

Lucas slept in our room with us but his questions continued until well after 11. He repeated over and over how glad he was that nothing broke or fell in our house with the exception of my shaving cream can in the shower. He kept getting tornadoes like the one in “Wizard of Oz” and earthquakes mixed up. He wanted us to leave lamps on and for the sun to come up because “everything is better in the light”. We tried to assure him that everything was okay and that if he didn’t want to close his eyes, he at least had to rest. Easier said than done when you are four years old and you have just experienced the earth moving for the first time.

I remember my first earthquake. It was in Palm Springs, the summer of 1986. A 5.9 magnitude, so considerably larger than last nights; and pictures did fall off the walls, windows broke and I was petrified. I was 14, 10 years older than my son is now. I’ve experienced several since then but it has been a while and they are always jarring.

Apart from all being a little tired today, the earthquake talk has stalled for now. I have found a couple of helpful You Tube videos to show Lucas if and when it comes up again. Todd and I have the makings of an earthquake/disaster kit and now know without a doubt the proper safety precautions :: DROP! COVER! HOLD ON! :: should it happen again, and living in Southern California, chances are good it will!

Tectonic plate action is confusing for adults, so how do we explain it to children?

It’s All Coming Back To Me

Posted on February 19, 2014 Written by Tonya

I forgot how heavy the car seat is,

how a degree is necessary to assemble a stroller,

about the midnight, 2 am and 4 am feedings,

the dirty diapers,

about the spit up and sticky, stinky milky baby neck,

how to wrap a little human like a burrito,

the high pitch bird like noises these fascinating creatures make,

the days of constantly wanting to be held (these have become my favorite, by the way),

how sexy my husband looks holding a brand new baby,

that intoxicating newborn scent,

the utter exhaustion brought only by interrupted sleep,

the load after load after load of laundry,

how to baby talk and just how silly it sounds,

the painful pumping,

the sink full of bottles,

the way our bodies contort and shift, adjust and seek comfort when trying to find the perfect position in which to hold such a light person,

the tiny socks. Oh, how those socks kill me!

I forgot how my heart would expand and envelope a brand new person and put all of their needs ahead of my own, how love would be reflected back to me through eyes that speak volumes, but lips that cannot yet say a word.

But it’s all coming back to me and I am so grateful for the second opportunity.

A Week Of Milestones

Posted on December 16, 2013 Written by Tonya

Hello friends, it has been a while. Almost an entire month in fact and in that time, we moved, decorated for Christmas, surpassed the critical 32 week point of my pregnancy (!) and were without Internet access for almost three weeks. It has been busy and we are anything but settled into our new home, but have already had guests, are hosting family and friends for Christmas and are enjoying making our house a home.

I’m currently sitting at the island in my beautiful new kitchen listening to holiday music, avoiding my very lengthy To Do list and thinking back on a week of some pretty big milestones for Lucas:

Milestone #1 For the first time EVER, Lucas ate what we ate for dinner!

Before becoming a parent I always said I would never be a short order cook, serving up a separate meal for my child, but having such a picky eater that was not the case in the least bit and until last Tuesday, that’s just what we did.

Tuesday he enjoyed pesto pasta with chicken and broccoli.

This is huge!

No separate meal.

I know it won’t happen every night, but we are headed in the right (and way more convenient) direction.

Milestone #2 While out to dinner on Saturday evening, Lucas asked to use the men’s restroom (gulp), which led to me sending this tweet while I waited (and worries):

I don’t know what the appropriate age is to let your son use the restroom by himself, but I know that I won’t be doing it again unless it is a another single stall situation.

Milestone #3 There are very few things in my life that I have had to have. These shoes purchased long before Lucas was even born were one of those things.

I completely fell in love with this New Balance sneaker, size 12(!) decked out with Oscar the Grouch, complete with several pesky flies. On the bottom of the sole, it says: “Have a yucky day!”. Having grown up watching Sesame Street, I just had to get them!

We bought them while in Old Town Pasadena in the Spring of 2009 and never thought our little boy would ever be able to wear them.

At 4 1/2 years old, Lucas’s tiny feet grew and grew are finally big enough to wear them!

Be still my heart, my little boy is no longer so little.

My Second Child

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What I’ll Miss

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A Parenting Lesson In Preparedness: Lucas Lost His First Tooth!

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After The Ground Shakes

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