Letters For Lucas

Wonders, Mishaps, Blunders and Joy.. commentary on my life as a mom in the form of letters to my son

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A Little Goes A Long Way

Posted on November 7, 2011 Written by Tonya

A two-year old has no concept of In just a minute or I’ll be right there.

Making beds, sorting laundry and loading and unloading the dishwasher mean nothing to a toddler.

Mommy and Daddy are talking right now, I’m on the phone and Let me just sit for a minute go in one ear and out the other when you’re in search of a playmate. And the repetitive nature of the request: Mommy come play? is enough to drive one insane.

When you’re a child, you want Mommy and Daddy’s attention NOW! Not five minutes from now, not AFTER you pee, NOW!

Even though you have a child, there are still household chores to be done, sanity keeping activities and basic grooming that are required. Children could care less.

Lately I’ve noticed that when I devote time to Lucas, giving him my 100% undivided attention and really play with him; like get down on the ground and line up cars or build a new train track or color one page in a coloring book while he colors the opposite side, something miraculous happens… happiness emerges along with a fluidity that wasn’t there before.

The real beauty is that it doesn’t even have to be that much time; 20 minutes here, 20 minutes there and the mommy guilt subsides and tasks around the home can still be accomplished, including brushing my teeth.

I have also come to learn that it is mandatory to spend an entire day in jammies and dance and sing in the living room, make a big mess and eat pasta without a fork.

The dishes will always be there. Sigh…

This is my 700th Letters For Lucas post! How did that happen? 

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Filed Under: a mother's guilt, challenges, children, parenting, play, SAHM Tagged With: 700, a mother's guilt, challenges, children, parenting, play, SAHM

Letters For You

Posted on September 6, 2011 Written by Tonya

When was the last time you wrote a letter?

With the gentle encouraging and support of Nichole (In These Small Moments) and other friends at BlogHer, I am proud to introduce a new weekly feature on Letters For Lucas called Letters For You.

I am urging friends to write a letter to someone, anyone; your unborn baby, your teenage son, your mother, your best friend, yourself at 15 or yourself at 80.

Tell someone something you have always wanted to and haven’t yet. Share a story, confess a secret, express your pride, offer your gratitude or spread your wisdom. Say something you didn’t even know you needed to say.

Letters should be funny, sarcastic or sentimental. They are yours.

I’m hoping this will be an opportunity to open your heart and share your soul. And who knows, after you write it, you may want to send it.

Each week, on Wednesdays I will feature a different letter.

Please let me know if you are interested in participating by e-mailing me at tonya@lettersforlucas.com

I’m excited to give you the very first Letters For You letter from Poppy (Funny or Snot).


Dear Arica,

“I wish I were Sophie” is my middle kid’s mantra. She contracted Jan Brady Syndrome right around Christmas. I welcome the opportunity to reassure her that she is my most interesting child as well as my most annoying.

Perhaps you remember her. She wasn’t being annoying at the time, she was playing dead.

My forgotten middle child there on the bottom of the public swimming pool at which you were life-guarding. I was swimming laps with my oldest while my husband was holding our youngest in the shallow end. We each thought the other had our four year old daughter who could not swim and was not wearing a life jacket.

I was under water when I heard your whistle, specifically counting my strokes. Like a marine mammal hearing a high pitch warning of impending danger, instinctively I just knew. Time stopped as I flew from the lap pool to the general swim pool just as you were breaking the water’s surface with my blue lipped little girl in your arms.

In those few moments before I knew she was going to be OK, I made eye contact with my husband who was just as confused. We were both trying to process how this could have possibly happened.

It didn’t take long before she started coughing up water and you handed her to me. I read somewhere that even abused children desire their mothers. It seems the same principle applies to neglectful mothers. My frightened child, and the most independent of my three, clung to me all day as I did to her. Then I started the torturous “what if” game.

What if you were distracted by a boy, a text, self consciousness about your swimsuit?

What if somebody engaged you in conversation near the lap pool and you didn’t move to the general pool in a timely manner?

We, her loving parents, did not know she was missing. What if you had not seen her?

I would have never forgiven myself.

I don’t forgive myself now.

I can only make sure it never happens again by being hyper vigilant around water. Shaking the whole time, I took her swimming the very next day to perhaps avoid a lifetime fear of water. I also signed her up for another round of lessons.

We came into visit you a week after it happened to thank you again, but I am afraid it was still too fresh to do anything but present you a small gift with tears in my eyes. A gift in exchange for a life seems so stupid. I want you to know, three years later, that I am on my knees thankful that my breach of duty came with a second chance. I am forever grateful to you, our life guarder, that you were watching when I should have been.

Thank you,

Poppy

 

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Filed Under: a mother's guilt, guest post, Letters For You, parenthood, parenting Tagged With: a mother's guilt, Funny or Snot, giving thanks, gratitude, guest post, Letters For You, lifeguard, parenthood, parenting

Brave

Posted on September 4, 2011 Written by Tonya

As my eyes ping pong from the two seals bobbing up and down 20 feet from shore to my left and Lucas and his dad standing at the water’s edge to my right, all I can think is: what makes these two creatures so brave? 

The playful and curious mammals are enjoying riding the waves and being propelled closer and closer to the land, only to be pushed back out to sea again. They are visibly having fun and it’s a joy to witness.

My two year old is just as confident with every single step he takes further into the Pacific Ocean. The glee on his face makes me giggle as I shake my head. He adores the water but cannot swim, so I’m also a bit on edge.

The difference?

The seals instinctively know that they can turn towards the ocean and go “home”. They have other challenges there, but if a foreign object or human came too close, they know to retreat or attack.

Lucas is armed with his dad at his side gripping him back to safety as needed and a sturdy life jacket. He is too young and little to know how to really protect himself, especially from the strong current and rough waters. He is thrilled to have the seals as company.

For now, both pairs are safe from predators and having the time of their lives.

 

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Filed Under: outing, parenting, random Tagged With: outing, parenting, random

We Will Never Forget

Posted on September 11, 2010 Written by Tonya

I just went through my September 2009 blog archive and for some reason, I didn’t wrote a post on September 11.

I wonder why. 

“Where were you when you heard Kennedy was shot?” is one of the most significant questions for my parents generation and for mine, it will be: “where were you on 9/11?”.

Today is the anniversary of one of the saddest days in America’s history. A day that we will never forget.

Nine years ago terrorists flew two planes into the Twin Towers of the World Trade Center towers in New York City. Both buildings collapsed within two hours, destroying nearby buildings and damaging others. The hijackers crashed a third airliner into the Pentagon in Arlington, Virginia. A fourth plane crashed into a field in rural Pennsylvania after some of its passengers and flight crew attempted to retake control of the plane, which the hijackers had redirected toward Washington, D.C.

There were no survivors from any of the flights.

In all, 2,974 victims were killed by the September 11, 2001 attacks: 2,750 connected to the World Trade Center, 40 in Pennsylvania and 184 at the Pentagon. Those numbers do not include the 19 hijackers.

The images plastered all over the TV for weeks following the attacks were like something straight out of a movie. They were graphic and sad; each image more haunting than the last… the planes hitting the towers, people jumping out of windows, smoke, flames and debris, frustrated and tired rescue workers and faces of the victims,

As I encountered these images again today, all I could think was how will I ever be able to explain this or any other tragedy to Lucas?

How do you explain the unexplainable? Especially when you don’t understand it yourself. 9/11 is a heartbreaking event and even more so to have to explain to your perfect little human that the world isn’t all as loving as the world inside our home.

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Filed Under: current events, difficult subjects, grief, parenting Tagged With: current events, difficult subjects, grief, parenting

Parenting Without Parents

Posted on June 19, 2010 Written by Tonya

I am parenting without parents. Are any of you?

People ask me about Lucas’ grandparents all the time. They know my husband’s parents live a two hour plane ride away and that we see them every month, but they don’t always know where my parents are. When I tell them, it always brings the conversation to a screeching halt. I hate it when that happens.

It’s always on my mind… my parents aren’t here.

My parents will never meet my son.

For those of you that don’t know, they both died almost three years ago of carbon monoxide poisoning. You can read details here.

A lot can happen in 32 months and every now and then, a little more than usual, (cue Lucas’ recent birthday, Father’s Day tomorrow and my birthday next week) I can’t stop thinking about, not only what they are missing, but what I am missing too. Can there be a statue of limitations on needing a mother even if you are a mother? I don’t think so.

It’s stupid really, I’m almost 38 and I have no one to call with my silly parenting questions. There’s no one to ask. Sure, I have a wonderful (much younger) sister, a loving aunt and uncle, a very smart mother-in-law, a supportive sister-in-law, who is also a mother of two and tons of amazing friends in the blog world and real life, but sometimes it feels like I’m flying solo on something I shouldn’t be.

To me, having a baby brings you closer to your own parents. You finally realize all the pain, suffering and worry they went through with you. Once you have a child of your own, you know just how much your mom and dad love you.

They should be here.

I should be having conversations about Lucas’ milestones, poop, food, toys and TV watching habits with my mom. I should be getting choked up over seeing my dad play with his grandson and rolling my eyes at them both when they try to put, yet another visit on the calendar. I should be asking them, “when did I do this, that or the other when I was his age?”.

It has only been one year!! How am I going to do this for the rest of my life? The rest of his life?

They would have been terrific grandparents.

Aside from two incredible people who built their lives around educating children, so much else was lost when my parents died; family traditions, history and a whole set of memories that I don’t share with anyone else but them. Whenever something crosses my mind that I think Lucas might be interested in or should know, I jot it down and more than once, I have poured my heart here. It helps, but I still miss them every day.

The best is yet to be.

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Filed Under: carbon monoxide poisoning, grandparents, KRA, loss, MSA, parenting Tagged With: carbon monoxide poisoning, grandparents, KRA, loss, MSA, parenting

Shaping Your Future

Posted on January 30, 2010 Written by Tonya

Lucas has been diagnosed with in utero left sided plagiocephaly (significant flattening and asymmetry of the back of the head and face and ear misalignment) and we have been seeing a physical therapist for his torticollis (a condition in which the head is tilted toward one side, and the chin is elevated and turned toward the opposite side) for three months.

The good news is that plagiocephaly and torticollis are not life threatening and are easily treated.

Yesterday, we were told Lucas is a candidate for the DOC Band, a lightweight 6-oz helmet, that works by applying mild holding pressure and redirecting growth to less prominent areas. The band must be worn for 23 hours a day, only removing for bathing and dressing for up to four months.

The use of DOC Band is NOT a cosmetic fix, it is a restorative fix designed to bring the infant’s head back to its normal head shape and balance the asymmetry.

I am devastated.

I don’t want my baby to wear this device.

I think my son is perfect exactly the way he is.

I don’t want strangers to stare at him in the band. I don’t want to hear their comments or questions and I certainly do not want to respond to them.

I am angry that my OBGYN and ultrasound technicians didn’t see in the umpteen ultrasounds I had done that my baby was crunched up in my womb. We could have possibly repositioned him.

I am vain.

I am also a mother who wants the very best for my child. A misshapen head can lead to vision problems, ear infections, headaches and speech disorders. Not to mention the psychological impact of society’s often cruel view of deformity.

This is going to be a difficult four months for me, but Lucas will never remember it and in the long run will probably thank us for making this decision.

The best is yet to be and you’re welcome, my love.

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Filed Under: a mother's guilt, challenges, difficult subjects, doc band, health, parenting Tagged With: a mother's guilt, challenges, difficult subjects, doc band, health, parenting

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