TBW

We Remembered

Posted on October 18, 2011 Written by Tonya

We remembered.

We avoided eye contact at first.

We got dressed and put on make-up.

We went to brunch and toasted with champagne.

We enjoyed a little retail therapy and indulged in sweet treats. Both helped for a little while.

We received dozens of beautiful flowers and at least a 100 of other tokens of love and well wishes throughout the day in the form of phone calls, text messages, Facebook and Twitter posts. Each one helped immensely.

We listened to their favorite music and smiled.

We talked about the year ahead and what they would be missing.

We drew animals and painted shapes with Lucas and giggled.

We sat around the dining room table and devoured the comfort food my husband prepared. There were more toasts.

We looked through the sympathy cards we were sent four years ago. Many I had not read before. All of them heartfelt.

We went to a movie and sat side by side in the dark and laughed in all the same places.

We hugged.

We cried.

We remembered.

Another anniversary come and gone.

Adding To Our Family

Posted on October 5, 2011 Written by Tonya

The last time I owned a pet (other than a fish), I was 13. 32 years ago today (!) my family got a puppy.

The day we brought Licorice home, October 5, 1979.

Part Labrador, part Poodle and way before they were called Labradoodles, Licorice was black with a little patch of white fur on her chest. She was sweetest and smartest dog I’ve ever been around.

Running along the ocean was one of Licorice’s favorite activities and we had to spell the word beach or she would go bonkers.

Despite sleeping at the foot of my bed, to be fair Licorice was my mother’s dog. We had her for six years and when we moved, we gave her to some friends that lived down the street.

My mother and Licorice, circa 1982

It’s time for another dog.

My husband STRONGLY disagrees.

ARGUMENTS FOR GETTING A DOG:

We’ve been wanting to add to our family. A pet would be a perfect addition teaching Lucas responsibility and giving him a wonderful life long playmate.
We have a large backyard with plenty of room for a pooch to roam.
I don’t think a more unconditional love exists than the one between a dog and it’s owner. Even when you’re feeling (and acting) miserable, they still love you.
Lucas really like dogs, although to be honest (much to my chagrin), he seems like more of a cat person. WE WILL NOT BE OWNING A CAT!! EVER.
I love to walk and vow to be in charge of this daily (and nightly) activity.
Extra security… for when my husband travels.
Opportunity to give a dog a second chance by adopting or saving a pound puppy.
Who could resist these precious faces?

Image courtesy of Pinterest. Click image for source.

Image courtesy of Snowesti. Click image for source.

ARGUMENTS AGAINST GETTING A DOG:

Discovering my favorite shoes chewed to smithereens.
We can’t even potty train our son, how would we ever potty train an animal?
No more spontaneous (or the other variety) trips – kenneling is expensive.
Vet care, food, toys, bedding, treats, etc. are also expensive.
Training. Ugh!
Shedding. Sigh.
Poop.
Saying good-bye is inevitable.

Okay, he may have won this argument… for now.

What do you think? Do you own a dog? What love and hate about pet ownership?

This post was written for Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop, 1.) Share a disagreement you’re having with someone and let your readers be the judge!

When Daddy’s Away

Posted on August 21, 2011 Written by Tonya

“You’re the yin to my yang, the ping to my pong, the normal to my crazy. Let’s be us together.” – The Big C

When Daddy’s away, there will be:

phone calls on speaker phone and cute photos and videos sent.
more time spent in jammies.
pizza lunch dates, dessert after every meal and sitting at Lucas’ table for snacks.
fewer time-outs.
preschool drop-offs that require more than support than the front office coordinator is able to provide.
requests to sleep in”Mommy and Daddy’s bed”.
bedtimes that get dragged out past 9:00 and nightmares at 1 o’clock in the morning.
tempers that flare and patience lost.
too many glasses of wine consumed.
more appreciation felt than ever expressed.

Lucas misses his daddy as much as I do. Only one more sleep until he’s home!

This post was inspired by Stasha’s Monday Listicles, a linky right up my alley! This week’s topic: Yin Yang was chosen by Zook Book Nook.

My Wedding Day

Posted on August 19, 2011 Written by Tonya

I started participating in Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop over a year ago. My first entry was a post called Second Chances, in which I wrote about my wedding day.

I loved everything about that day at the time.

Now my memories are bittersweet because the day after my wedding was the last day I saw my parents alive.

Always up for a celebration, my parents thoroughly enjoyed my wedding day and were happy to see me happy. It was a day full of toasts and laughter, hugs and tears of joy. There was good conversation and sunshine. Todd and I were surrounded by all the people we love most in the world.

Given there were only 27 guests in attendance and we got married at our home, the photographer we hired was a sweaty annoying mess, darting from here to there desperate for subject matter.

I suppose I can’t really blame him and in fact, today I’m grateful to him for capturing so many beautiful shots of my mom and dad.

Candid, non-posed shots that I will treasure always.

And then there are these:

Linking up with Natalie’s Down the Aisle.

Even though she only asked for our favorite photo – singular, I hope you understand why I couldn’t pick just one.

Mindful Eating

Posted on February 16, 2011 Written by Tonya

I love food!

I love chips and salsa (the spicier the better), deep dish pepperoni pizza, big fat juicy cheeseburgers with all the fixings and a side of French fries, chocolate chip ice cream, sandwiches never without a bag of potato chips nearby, several glasses of wine at the end of my evenings and at least two Diet Cokes a day.

I didn’t eat poorly every day and when I did, I’d pay for it at the gym, on long walks to and from parks or by depriving myself for days following.

That was then and this is now.

I don’t think about food the same way any more.

It’s been one week since my husband I started the 3-day Ritual Cleanse and all everyone seems to want to know is how much weight we lost.

We didn’t do the juice diet to lose weight, but I did drop three pounds, all of which, I’m sure I have gained back because it was probably just water weight.

More important than the weight loss, I feel good and I did throughout the entire three days of the cleanse. Well, except for a minor headache at the beginning of Day 2, but it was nothing a little green tea couldn’t cure.

Day 1 was just odd. Drinking only juice and peeing A LOT and by bedtime, I was really hungry, but I pressed on…

Day 2 was my best day, I had tons of energy and felt absolutely amazing. Not having that bloated or tired or run down feeling was new to me and I liked it and wanted more of it!

Day 3 went very well too, but I was starting to get nervous about eating “real” food again the following day and didn’t want the goodness I was doing for my body to stop after I had used so much will power to stick to this three day detox.

Day 3 also prompted a lot of conversation about the way we eat as a family and different choices we wanted to make to our diet going forward. I still haven’t had a Diet Coke and don’t know when or if I will. I’m reading more labels at the super market and trying to buy only fresh organic produce and products.

My husband and I are already talking about doing the cleanse again this Spring. Believe me, if I can do it, so can you!!

If you are interested in doing something wonderful for your body in order to reset it and make more mindful eating choices, I highly suggest Ritual Cleanse.

If you have any questions about my experience or want to read more about why we did the cleanse and my half way point, here are two previous posts: Time To Detoxand Ritual Cleanse – Half Way Point and I can always be reached at smadaaynot@yahoo.com.

Thank you, Ritual Cleanse!

post signature

Time To Detox

Posted on February 8, 2011 Written by Tonya

My husband and I are doing something utterly insane this week. Well, okay, it’s not that crazy, people do it all the time. In fact, little did I know, Todd has actually done it several times in the past and for a lot longer period of time.

What are we doing?

We are cleansing! For the next three days, we will eat and drink nothing but juice and water.

We are using a friend of a friend’s product called Ritual Cleanse. We are doing the Seasonal Reset Cleanse; which consists of six fresh pressed pure vegetable, fruit and nut juices a day, one every two hours for three days.Before signing up, I tasted these juices and they are delicious! I’ve also heard nothing but great things about the outcome, so I am really excited (or as excited as one can be over starving themselves for 72 hours).

I digress…

People cleanse for many different reasons; it’s a quick, easy, efficient way to flush the whole body and reset all its systems. For some it’s all about the weight loss. For me, I’m not interested in losing any weight, although, I’d be lying if I said I wouldn’t be thrilled to see a lower number on the scale after three days of not eating. Between moving and the holidays, there has been a lot of late night eating, take out, fast food and alcohol, so my personal goal is to detox my insides and jump start my body for a healthier way of eating.

I’m sure by the middle of Day 2, I’ll have a raging headache and want to eat my arm off, but I’m trying to stay positive and I am very committed to doing this.

We start tomorrow and I will be tweeting about my experience follow me here: @letters4lucas and I’ll post an update here next week.Stay tuned and wish us luck!

post signature

The House That Built Me

Posted on December 13, 2010 Written by Tonya

I love this house and I will miss it.

Today is moving day and I am excited, exhausted, nostalgic and sad.

Walking downstairs this morning, it hit me: last night was my last night here.

No matter how frustrated I have become with this house in the last few months due to its lack of space for Lucas, it’s cold, hard slat floors, it’s barely large enough to turn around in kitchen and it’s distance from good friends and family, we have spent four wonderful years here.

I was proposed to in the dining room.

I became a wife in the backyard.

I saw my parents for the last time in the living room.

I’ve enjoyed meals prepared by my husband, lots of takeout and countless bowls of cereal from the bar in the kitchen.

I’ve walked hundreds of miles on the treadmill in the office.

With my husband by my side, I have cried myself to sleep out of immeasurable grief within the safety and comfort of our bedroom.

We became parents in this house as we paced the floors comforting, soothing and getting to know our newborn.

We turned the upstairs guest room into a nursery and have read, sang and fed our son in the rocking chair in his room night after night for the past 18 months.

We’ve watched hours of mindless television catching up and trying to decompress from our busy days in our family room.

We’ve played “choo choo” and cars in every. single. room.

We have walked to and from the mailbox in hopes of running onto our neighbor’s cat, or better yet, one of our great neighbors.

We’ve hollered at one another at the top or bottom of the stairs, tripped on items that needed to go one way or the other and met each other halfway.

We’ve entertained family, celebrated birthdays and made new friends on our patio and watched a beautiful olive tree grow and bloom in the side yard.

I will carry with me all the warm memories this home has provided and hope that it’s new residents will treat it well.

I love this house and I will miss it.

Here’s to the next chapter…

This post was featured on the BlogHer Home page, in the featured members section on January 5, 2011.

post signature

Head Over Heels

Posted on December 9, 2010 Written by Tonya

When just the mere mention of his name makes my heart melt and beat a little faster.

When that first recognition of my existence made me feel like I could do anything.

When he reaches for me, it’s as though I’m the only person in the world.

When he smiles at me and it is so sweet and tender, it makes me want to cry.

It’s a want it, need it, gotta have it feeling that I’ve never felt before.

It’s that kind of love.

Sure, I’ve loved before; the comfort of my own bed, a perfectly worn in pair of jeans, a Dave Matthews song I’ve heard a thousand times before that will never lose it’s impact on me, the scent of my grandmother’s perfume that enveloped me every time I entered her house and my best friend, because she’s everything I’m not and can make me laugh like no one else on earth.

But, I’ve never loved or been loved like this before.

So intensely.

So completely.

So unconditionally.

He is a part of me and no matter what, he always will be.

The love I have for my son’s father is deep and passionate and it’s because of the love we share that I have this precious child at all, but it’s a different kind of love.

There is nothing like the love a mother has for her son.

This is my first attempt at The Red Dress Club’s writing meme, Red Writing Hood. This weeks prompt is: Write a short first-person story about your first love, or write a short fiction piece about a character’s first love.

post signature

Letters For Lucas

Posted on August 27, 2010 Written by Tonya

I can’t believe I have been at this for one year today! Over 300 posts.

Letters For Lucas has gone from what I thought would be a passing phase to an absolute necessity and something that I think about all.the.time. I enjoy writing more than ever and I am grateful for all of my readers and especially the comments that they leave.

This is my outlet and documentation of my son’s childhood and my life as his mother.

I am proud to be apart of the mommy blogging community, look forward to the next year and beyond and I’m thrilled to have Lucas’ dad guest posting here today for the first time.

************************************************
Lucas,

I know that I rarely call you by your name, but since this will be printed and is somewhat permanent, I’ll refrain from calling you Babu, Bubba, Crazy Larry or P. Your mom started this blog as a creative and social outlet in the hopes of helping her understand and enjoy a new role in life, motherhood. In her early posts, she wrote to you. Things progressed to her writing about you. Shortly thereafter, she began to very bravely write about herself. While you will appreciate the first two formats, it’s in the third where you will get to know her best. I, on the other hand, am a private and emotional person who will always share with his thoughts and feelings, but I plan to do it discretely. I’m a reluctant guest here, but I love your mom deeply, so I’ll share with you, 110 confirmed followers and god knows how many unregistered lurkers, some things I know about being your dad.

I wasn’t worried when we brought you home from the hospital. With nearly twenty hours of classroom style preparation, immaculate transportation, fully outfitted nursery and a college fund in place, I thought my next job was to continue looking cool and hand out cigars. Somewhere between five miles from the hospital and five days of being home, I realized that I had studied for the wrong test, you didn’t like riding in the car, you didn’t want to sleep anywhere but in a swing at the foot of our bed, college was a long way away, nobody looks cool without sleep and none of my friends or family smoke.

Watching every single recorded minute of the three-week-long 2009 Tour de France with your newborn son is heaven on earth. From Saturday, July 4 to Sunday, July 26 we watched the top cyclists in the world ride over 3500 kilometers. With a coffee in one hand and my month old son (you) in the other, getting up at 4:30 has never been so great. During the four-hour broadcast I got to watch you wiggle, yawn, sleep and hang out while your mom got a few hours of uninterrupted sleep. In case the 2009 TdF ever comes up in conversation, please remember that we (you and I) decided very early in the race that it was naïve of Johan Bruyneel and Lance Armstrong to expect a talent like Alberto Contador to serve as domestique to the aged seven-time champion. Contador danced on the pedals like a full-figured kid chasing an ice cream truck and earned his rightful spot on the podium.

I will never, ever forget how I felt the first time you were injured and to make matters worse, it was my fault. You were about seven months old and were really starting to enjoy rough play with me. I would roll you around on the bed while you laughed and laughed. I would stand you on my chest and say “Lucas you’re crushing me” while you stared in awe. Then one day you were laying on my chest and I rolled you off onto the couch unexpectedly. You landed on your little hand and I heard a few cracks (worse than cracking knuckles, but not quite bone breaking) and then you screamed. I felt awful. Within an instant I thought of every parent on every talk show explaining that they would rather have 10x the pain than watch their child struggle through what they had been through. Thank you for forgiving me faster than you could catch your breath. You’re a big man little buddy.

I assumed more risk than I should have while participating in the Targa Tasmania and living to tell about it will make me a better father. My friend Nick asked me to be his co-driver in the 2010 Targa Tasmania. This legendary five-day rally in Tasmania consists of thirty-nine individually timed stages on public roads that have been closed temporarily for racing. You were ten months old when your mom and I took you to Syndey where we spent a few days as tourists. From there, you and mom went to New Caledonia to see her friends while I met Nick in Melbourne where we picked up the Porsche 911 that we had entered in the race. Nick and I had discussed ad nauseam how we were there for fun and how our overall time didn’t matter. That’s an easy conversation to have over a Subway sandwich, but when strapped into a racecar and staring at a time clock on the start line, that argument enters your mind about as often as gas mileage. We were fast, consistent and getting better everyday until our enthusiasm exceeded our skill. Late on a wet and rainy day four, we took a corner way too fast, ran out of road and hit at tree, head on. Trees don’t move. They don’t absorb impact like when you hit another car or guardrail. We walked away from that impact with our egos and wallets bruised, but our bodies intact. We were lucky. All I could do from that moment on was think about seeing you and mom again at the Sydney airport. With tears in my eyes, I waited for you to pick me up at the airport. Your mom didn’t quite understand the look on my face, but when I hugged you both the way I did, she realized the incident was worse than I had explained on the phone. I was lucky enough to learn that lesson without being injured. Not everyone gets that chance.

Lucas, I promise not to do really dangerous things anymore. I will eat well, exercise, have moles inspected and go to the doctor at the first sign of a problem. I will do my best to be around for as long as possible. You and your mother mean the world to me and I cherish the responsibility that is on my shoulders.

A Love Letter

Posted on August 4, 2010 Written by Tonya

Three years ago, I married my partner, lover and friend.

In just three short years, we have experienced the highest of highs and the lowest of lows.

A month and a half after we got married, my father-in-law underwent heart surgery for a congenital heart defect. He made it through with flying colors and today is better than ever, but this was a very emotional time for us as newlyweds.

A month later, both of my parents died of carbon monoxide poisoning while living and working as educators in Tunis, Tunisia. My husband was amazing during this, the saddest and most confusing time in my life. He took my younger sister and I under his wing and helped us plan a double funeral, a trip to Tunisia and navigated us through countless decisions regarding their estate.

During this time I could not give him what he gave me and I will forever be grateful. He listened and held me and encouraged me to do whatever I needed in order to adjust to my new “normal”.

While I walked into walls for nine months trying to keep my wits about me and a career I loved, we decided that the best thing for me to do would be to leave my job as a marketing manager to focus on my grief, settle my parents estate, spend time with family and start planning a family of our own.

With hope in our hearts, just 10 months later, we welcomed to the world our son Lucas. Our pride and joy and new reason for living.

In three years, we have made our house a home, taken wonderful trips together, cried together, laughed together, fought like cats and dogs, grown stronger as a couple and as individuals and made two three. We recently suffered a miscarriage but are slowly, but surely bouncing back stronger than ever. I can’t wait to see what our future holds.

A wedding anniversary is the celebration of love, trust, partnership, tolerance and tenacity. The order varies for any given year. – Paul Sweeney

I am so lucky to have found this incredible man to go through life with. A man that makes my toes curl and my blood boil; makes me laugh, makes me think and forces me *kicking and screaming* to be the best version of myself. He is a wonderful father and a good person.

I don’t say it enough, but I appreciate everything you do for me and us and I love you. Happy Anniversary, Todd. xoxo

The best is yet to be.

This is my 300th post!! How fitting that is a love letter to my husband because without this blog, I’d quite possibly be a bigger pain-in-the-ass than I already am!

We Remembered

Related Posts:

Adding To Our Family

Related Posts:

When Daddy’s Away

Related Posts:

My Wedding Day

Related Posts:

Mindful Eating

Related Posts:

Time To Detox

Related Posts:

The House That Built Me

Related Posts:

Head Over Heels

Related Posts:

Letters For Lucas

Related Posts:

A Love Letter

Related Posts:

Related Posts:

Related Posts:

Related Posts:

Related Posts:

Related Posts:

Related Posts:

Related Posts:

Related Posts:

Related Posts:

Related Posts:

What I Write About