At one point I had four doctors.
Recently having “graduated” from the fertility clinic I have been at for over three years, I now only have three.
Since day one all of them have assured me that what I’m feeling is natural, especially given my history.
They tell me everything looks great and right on track.
I’m having a hard time believing them.
Even though I’ve seen the black-and-white images of a tiny human doing somersaults with my own eyes.
Even though I’ve studied the positive test results and measurements.
Even though I’ve heard the sweet sound of a rapid heartbeat.
Even though….
There is no doubt that I am being carefully monitored and yet, I’m still fighting to shake this sinking feeling.
Fighting to relax.
Fighting to carry this baby to full term.
Fighting to fully embrace this pregnancy.
Fighting to push the negativity out of my head and forcing myself to expect the best instead of the worst.
If I have learned anything through my struggle to get here, it’s that I have ZERO control, a devastating set back can happen at any moment and it’s better to protect yourself. That’s what infertility does to you. It forces you to keep on your toes, read into every twinge, keep your doctors all on speed dial and anticipate gloom.
So I will continue to fight and protect myself until this baby is safely in my arms.
For me making it successfully past the half way point is cause for [cautious] celebration, or in my case, compiling a short list of potential names, considering shower dates, preregistering at the hospital where I plan to deliver and browsing through a baby boutique where I allowed myself to purchase a pack of onesies.
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After having 2 miscarriages myself, I understand those feelings.
I’m somewhat superstitious and the Jewish tradition of not buying or bringing anything into the house before the baby is born both helped and fueled my anxiety tremendously. I filled two Amazon.com carts (one for boy and one for girl since I didn’t know) and had them at the ready to purchase for the big day.
Attempt to enjoy these days. You’ve certainly worked hard to get here! Much love to you!
I’m not superstitious, but I hope my buying a few onesies was okay? Gulp.
Thank you for your advice, I am trying!
I wish I had something knowledgable and or insightful to say to you , that might offer you comfort. But having never been in your position, I can only say,, Thank you Jesus , in advance ,for laying your hand on Tanya and this precious baby, thank you for giving her peace of mind . And faith that all is and will be , well. Amen
Thank you, Craig. So very much.
Oh, the what ifs. I wish this anxiety didn’t exist for you. I wish there were a way to remove it. All I have are kind words and hopeful prayers. I offer them both to you abundantly.
Thank you. xo
Tonya, I wish that there were words to take this fear and anxiety away from you. You are doing what you can, and that is enough. Praying for peace and for a full-term, healthy pregnancy for you.
Yeah, I know there’s really nothing to say. Just taking things day by day… Thank you for your well wishes. xo
I can’t imagine. I wish you didn’t have to have these fears. Keep buying those onesies. 🙂
I bought some more this weekend. (:
Praying for peace, positivity, and a healthy baby!
Thank you so much!
I’m sorry.
Thank you, I wish I could just go with the flow and enjoy this time. It does get a little easier each day…
I wish these thoughts were not with you – wishing for peace and joy and wonder for you, instead.
Thank you, Kim. I appreciate your good thoughts. I’m trying to stay positive.
Loving you from afar, praying for you always.
Love the onesies!
Aren’t they adorable? I just couldn’t resist! That has to be a good sign, right?
I can totally imagine this. It must be incredibly hard, and I’m sure it’s totally normal to feel that all the way through. But I’m glad you’re finding ways to be comfortable and embrace this coming baby.
I’m doing okay and taking each day as it comes.
I totally have this fear. After 3.5 years and 1 miscarriage, I’m very anxious about getting pregnant again. I keep saying they if it works out, I won’t buy anything or tell anyone until its time. 4 failed Clomid cycles and 4 failed injectables with double IUIs cycles, I’m mentally, physically spent. Just trying to save up for IVF as the next step. Thank you for sharing your story. Us infertiles have to stay strong! Check out my site: http://iamrefusingtosink.weebly.com/ if you want. Congrats on your pregnancy and know you’re being thought of!
So, you totally get it! It’s hard. I have wanted this for so long and now I’m struggling to enjoy it. Glad I’m not alone. I will definitely check out your story, thanks for visiting my blog.
…I too thought the same things when I became pregnant with twins on my first IVF cycle…I waited until my fifth month before I made any purchases..picked names etc. unfortunately I lost my girls at five and a half months. It was quite a blow, especially after each visit was excellent, the girls were right on track, perfect synchronized heart beats. I don’t mean to be a downer, and I hope you don’t take it that way, but sometimes it doesn’t matter the worry,the excitement,the stress…what’s going to happen will happen. I hope you let it all go, and cherish every day. Don’t let the fear rob you of a day with your growing baby. Celebrate each day you make it.
Oh my God, that is awful. Just when you started to accept and embrace it. I’m so sorry. That is so cruel, but you’re right… things just happen sometimes and they are completely out of our control. I am well aware of that fact and therein lies the fear.
Each day gets a little easier, but I’m not going to be relaxed until this baby is safely here and in my arms.
Thank you for your words of advice. Much love to you.
I finally allowed myself to buy clothes two weeks ago for your baby and I think that that was a big step for me. It now feels so great and so real seeing the clothes. It has really made it all sink in more for me. I am sure buying clothes and other things has done that for you too.
I think that you need to do whatever it is you are doing to stay healthy and stress-free. But most importantly, you need to remain positive and keep happy thoughts. This is happening and come the end of January, there will be a new member of the family and I can hardly wait to meet them. 🙂 XOXOX