Letters For Lucas

Wonders, Mishaps, Blunders and Joy.. commentary on my life as a mom in the form of letters to my son

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Father’s Day

Posted on June 20, 2010 Written by Tonya

Lucas has one of the very best fathers I know. Lucas is very lucky, although I think his daddy would say it’s the other way around.

In celebration of Father’s Day, here are some quotes that I think epitomizes the role of father and the relationship between a father and his children:

“It doesn’t matter who my father was; it matters who I remember he was.” – Anne Sexton

“It is admirable for a man to take his son fishing, but there is a special place in heaven for the father who takes his daughter shopping.” – John Sinor

“When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.” – Mark Twain

“Fatherhood is pretending the present you love the most is soap-on-a-rope.” – Bill Cosby

“The kind of man who thinks that helping with the dishes is beneath him will also think that helping with the baby is beneath him, and then he certainly is not going to be a very successful father.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

“One night a father overheard his son pray: Dear God, Make me the kind of man my Daddy is. Later that night, the Father prayed, Dear God, Make me the kind of man my son wants me to be.” – Anonymous

“He didn’t tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it.” – Clarence Budington Kelland

“Old as she was, she still missed her daddy sometimes.” – Gloria Naylor

“Spread the diaper in the position of the diamond with you at bat. Then fold second base down to home and set the baby on the pitcher’s mound. Put first base and third together, bring up home plate and pin the three together. Of course, in case of rain, you gotta call the game and start all over again.” – Jimmy Piersal, on how to diaper a baby, 1968

“Small boys become big men through the influence of big men who care about small boys.” – Unknown

My personal favorite:

“The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.” – Henry Ward Beecher

Happy Father’s Day, everyone!

The best is yet to be.

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Filed Under: holidays, quotes, TBW

Parenting Without Parents

Posted on June 19, 2010 Written by Tonya

I am parenting without parents. Are any of you?

People ask me about Lucas’ grandparents all the time. They know my husband’s parents live a two hour plane ride away and that we see them every month, but they don’t always know where my parents are. When I tell them, it always brings the conversation to a screeching halt. I hate it when that happens.

It’s always on my mind… my parents aren’t here.

My parents will never meet my son.

For those of you that don’t know, they both died almost three years ago of carbon monoxide poisoning. You can read details here.

A lot can happen in 32 months and every now and then, a little more than usual, (cue Lucas’ recent birthday, Father’s Day tomorrow and my birthday next week) I can’t stop thinking about, not only what they are missing, but what I am missing too. Can there be a statue of limitations on needing a mother even if you are a mother? I don’t think so.

It’s stupid really, I’m almost 38 and I have no one to call with my silly parenting questions. There’s no one to ask. Sure, I have a wonderful (much younger) sister, a loving aunt and uncle, a very smart mother-in-law, a supportive sister-in-law, who is also a mother of two and tons of amazing friends in the blog world and real life, but sometimes it feels like I’m flying solo on something I shouldn’t be.

To me, having a baby brings you closer to your own parents. You finally realize all the pain, suffering and worry they went through with you. Once you have a child of your own, you know just how much your mom and dad love you.

They should be here.

I should be having conversations about Lucas’ milestones, poop, food, toys and TV watching habits with my mom. I should be getting choked up over seeing my dad play with his grandson and rolling my eyes at them both when they try to put, yet another visit on the calendar. I should be asking them, “when did I do this, that or the other when I was his age?”.

It has only been one year!! How am I going to do this for the rest of my life? The rest of his life?

They would have been terrific grandparents.

Aside from two incredible people who built their lives around educating children, so much else was lost when my parents died; family traditions, history and a whole set of memories that I don’t share with anyone else but them. Whenever something crosses my mind that I think Lucas might be interested in or should know, I jot it down and more than once, I have poured my heart here. It helps, but I still miss them every day.

The best is yet to be.

Related Posts:

  • Family Tree
  • I Thought Of You Today
  • Death

Filed Under: carbon monoxide poisoning, grandparents, KRA, loss, MSA, parenting Tagged With: carbon monoxide poisoning, grandparents, KRA, loss, MSA, parenting

@#!%^ You! #1

Posted on June 18, 2010 Written by Tonya

I LOVE the idea of flipping stuff off, so I’m going to participate in this every Friday, as long as I don’t have anything else worthwhile to share and I’m good and pissed off at something.

Thanks to Gigi at Kludgy Mom for creating this meme. I know I’m going to feel better after this rant.

In no particular order:

#1 There is an intersection by our house that no mater what time of day or direction I am going, I get stuck at the red light, which would be okay, except for the fact that I end up sitting there for 4+ minutes sometimes. I’ve timed it! This is especially fun when running late.

My husband and I un-affectionately call it the “punishment light”. It’s like going to confession (I’m not Catholic, but I have seen it done in the movies). I feel like I am meant to sit there for 4+ minutes and think about all of the horrible, no good, very bad things I have done all day. Stupid light!

#2 I’d like to flip off elementary school children, high school teens and college kids….anyone who gets their summers off to frolic and play. Oh, what I wouldn’t give… I l.o.v.e. summers. I have always loved summer and I miss them, so screw all of you still in school with your free of responsibilities season. I hope you have a bitchin’ summer!

#3 Our DVD remote control in our bedroom. Every night, it’s the same thing… I have to turn the entire machine off at least once and sometimes TWICE in order to get to the main menu and play the DVD inserted. Novel concept, huh? Oh, this infuriates me to no end. Why can’t shit just work?!

#4 I’m not saying any names, but I recently took Lucas to a very popular department store to have his one year portraits taken and I was assured that the entire session would be available on line “by the time I got home”. It’s been a week tomorrow and I have made four phone calls and sent an e-mail and have yet to see them. Apparently the Web site was redesigned in APRIL and they are still having problems with it. Luckily I bought our favorite pose, but c’mon people!

I know there’s more where that came from, but for my first time, I’ll leave it at that. Feels good, you should try it!

Happy weekend, everyone.

The best is yet to be.

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Filed Under: friday flip offs

The High Five

Posted on June 17, 2010 Written by Tonya

It’s High Five time again… a list of five products that I am loving right now and why.

1. Huggies Overnight Diapers
God only knows why, but we just started using these and all I have to say is: AWESOME!! On a good night Lucas sleeps 12 hours and these suckers are absorbent.

2. LAVANILA Pure Vanilla Perfume
If you love the smell of vanilla as much as I do, then you have to check out this fragrance. Plus, not only does it smell good, it’s good for you too:

From Sephora: LAVANILLA carefully infuses pure essential oils with 100 percent active botanicals for natural fragrances that are fresh, clean, and nurturing. With each spray, proprietary natural technology wraps the skin with super antioxidants goji berry and kakadu plum, soothing willowherb, and hydrating olive leaf for a healthy dose of 30 essential vitamins and minerals and 19 amino acids.

Now if I can just remember to spritz a little on each morning!

3. Trader Joe’s Light Kettle Corn
TJ’s is at it again. They seriously sell the best. snacks. ever. and like all the others this one doesn’t disappoint and I especially love that they are packaged in their own individual bags at just 110 calories a pop.

4. Lululemon Athletica
I live in these fantabulous yoga-inspired pants. They are a bit pricey, ($80-$110) but so so SO worth it. They are comfortable, reversible and keep their shape wash after wash after wash. The hidden pocket is a nice bonus and perfect for a key and a little cash.

5. Bubbles!
When was the last time you blew bubbles? Our nanny gave Lucas a bottle for his birthday and I forgot how delightful they are. It’s our new favorite thing to do at the park and in our back yard. Perfect summertime fun!

For past High Five posts, click here. Be sure to tune in tomorrow because I’m not going to be so nice.

The best is yet to be.

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Filed Under: favorite products, list, nanny, the high 5

You Know You’re A Mom When-sDaze

Posted on June 16, 2010 Written by Tonya

The “I’m a mom” reminders are EVERYWHERE!!

Thanks to Arizona Mama for putting together this great meme. Visit her blog, Our Daze in the Desert to join in on the fun!

You know you’re a mom when…

  • At the end of the day your pockets are filled with a half-eaten pretzel stick, numerous Cheerios, a baby bottle cap, a dryer sheet and a Boogie Wipe…who knows what I’ll discover in there tomorrow!
  • You know exactly how hard you have to push the stroller out in front of you in order to stuff you hair into a hat.
  • You tell your husband a little white lie about what time a mommy-only event begins in order to allow yourself just a few extra minutes to yourself.
  • You are more than willing to share your turkey from your turkey sandwich, if it means your kid will eat!
  • Going ANYWHERE requires at least 20 minutes of prep and packing and maybe even a list.
  • And speaking of going anywhere, like out to dinner, if tot is in tow, you are enjoying the Early Bird Special with all the Senior Citizens, so you get back home in time for bed time (AKA the most wonderful time of the day!!).
  • Your child smells like lavender, his hair is combed, teeth are brushed and is wearing the cutest new outfit, but you are still in your pj’s and haven’t washed your hair or shaved your legs, let alone put on perfume in days.
  • You justify every excessive crying spell with “it must teething”.
  • You can’t get “Elmo’s Song” out of your head. Damn that furry little red monster!
  • Your heart bleeds a little every time you hear of an injustice to a baby, child or teen.
  • As soon as your overly fussy, overly tired child FINALLY gives in to take a nap, you feel the incredible (not to mention stupid) urge to wake him up because he is just so dang cute.

The best is yet to be.

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Filed Under: list, motherhood, whensdaze

Moving On

Posted on June 15, 2010 Written by Tonya

Any change, any loss, does not make us victims. Others can shake you, surprise you, disappoint you, but they can’t prevent you from acting, from taking the situation you’re presented with and moving on. No matter where you are in life, no matter what your situation, you can always do something. You always have a choice and the choice can be power. – Blaine Lee

Friendships shouldn’t be difficult, but sometimes they can be a downright messy and very complicated endeavor.

Some friendships die a natural death: people move, change jobs, start a family, or embark on a completely different stage of life. Other friendships, however, end prematurely and abruptly. When a friendship is over and you don’t always understand why and it can be painful and puzzling. Sometimes a friend ends your relationship without even telling you and sometimes they are able to muster up enough courage to FINALLY say all the things they have wanted to say for a very, very long time.

I spent a good part of last week stewing over a friendship I have had for 20 years. We exchanged scathing e-mails and I ended up sharing some things that were WAY overdue. Should one of us have picked up the phone to discuss our issues? Absolutely, but e-mail has always sort of been “our thing” due to our geographic challenges.

It would take an entire blog to describe all the ups and downs and twists and turns I have had with this person over the years, so I’ll spare you the torrid details and just say that like in any relationship, there were good times and some nice memories that I will always cherish, but ultimately, pride, ego and an unwillingness or inability to “show up” played a huge role in the end of our friendship.

I am certainly not perfect and there are two sides to every story, but this is my blog, so you can figure out which one of us I think was the selfish one.

I have experienced monumental changes during the last three years (I got re-married, lost both of my parents at the same time, left a 10+ year career in marketing to deal with the fall out and became a mother) and my friend wasn’t much of a friend to me during any of these life altering moments and instead of saying anything to her, I pretended that everything was okay.

It wasn’t.

To be fair, she had fallen on tough times too and has spent the last three years trying to find steady work, all the while nursing a back injury sustained from an auto accident and in my opinion popping too many pills and letting herself spiral out of control. Every e-mail I received was worse than the last, a virtual “woe is me” tale of sending out resumes, worry over paying medical bills, asking for money, a repossessed car, and “boy toys”.

Ah, can you say different phases of life?

I am not saying that what was going on her life was was any less important than what was going on in mine, but there was so little acknowledgement of my burdens that it bruised my heart.

How does this relate to Lucas and/or motherhood?

I believe when you become a parent, you gain a much clearer view of the world around you, the relationships you have and what your priorities are. I literally don’t have the time to build egos or coddle anyone but my son (and occasionally my husband) anymore!

Friendship plays a key role in shaping an individual and in making the person he or she turns out to be. I have always thought of myself as a good friend. Thoughtful, loyal, fun to be with and above all engaged. I get caught up in the details sometimes and admit to having high expectations, but over the years, I have realized that that is okay. Why shouldn’t I expect the very same that I give in return? I want nothing less for my son and the friendships he will cultivate someday. 

There is a lesson in this loss for me… hopefully, I’m little wiser and will be a lot more open in future. Life is too short.

Today, I feel lighter and a tiny bit sad. I am proud of myself for finally speaking my mind and letting her know how I feel about her absence over the years, but I will miss her and moving on, will think of her only with fondness.

The best is yet to be.

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Filed Under: character, difficult subjects, friends, loss, motherhood, quotes, TDA bio Tagged With: character, difficult subjects, friends, loss, motherhood, quotes, TBD bio

Real Life Moms

Posted on June 14, 2010 Written by Tonya

Real Life Moms is a social Ning group lovingly created by Surviving Little People and is for real moms who are out there living life, raising children the best they know how and trying to see the world (and parenthood) with a sense of humor.

It’s a great place to go to ask questions, share stories, photos and connect with other real moms just like you.

I am thrilled to announce that this week, Letters For Lucas is featured as a Real Life Moms Blog of the Week! I love that I actually have readers out there and appreciate SLP for choosing me!

The best is yet to be.

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Filed Under: blog

Boobs

Posted on June 14, 2010 Written by Tonya

I’ve been thinking about boobs a lot lately.

I’ve been thinking about how they vary in size and shape from woman to woman and how some women go to extremes to augment, lift and smash them together.

I know nine women that have had breast implants without ever looking back (aside from one that had a horrific experience and had them removed). I’m completely envious of the way these women’s boobs look. They are always so perky and look fantastic in everything they wear, especially bikinis. I’m also envious that often times, they don’t even wear bras because they don’t have to.

I thought I had good boobs before I had a baby. A nice solid B+, as in the size, not the grade, but as long as I brought it up I’d give them a B+ grade too. Nowadays, they are more of C- and that’s with the helpful aid of the “right” bra (is there even such a thing?)

There are no two ways about it, boobs completely transform while you are pregnant and in the year that follows. I’m amazed that their sole purpose (aside from looking fabulous in a push up bra under a little black dress) is to provide nourishment.

I have several friends working on weaning their infants off the boob right now and it makes me sad. Okay, I’m just going to say it: I tried breastfeeding and it didn’t work for me.

This is my story:

I have to admit I was on the fence about it from day one and struggled with my decision up until I purchased the Cadillac of all breast pumps (the Medela Pump In Style with shoulder bag), ample storage bags, boxes of bra pads, nursing shirts and two tubes Costco-sized tubes of lanolin cream. With all the gear, there was no turning back. Plus, I was looking forward to the connection and bonding that my son and I would have, not to mention, I had heard that you can burn an extra 500 calories a day by breastfeeding. Bonus!!

Little did I know what sort of battle I was up against. Breastfeeding hurt like nothing I had ever experienced before; from the top of my head to the bottom of my toes. It was more painful to me than labor and delivery and I delivered naturally without drugs.

There’s just something so wrong about pulling your unsatisfied newborn off your breast only to find his mouth full of blood instead of milk and wanting to cry your eyes out from the pain.

We had lactation specialists visit us in the hospital and at home, took pictures of the pillow arrangements and bought nipple shields, which helped a little bit, but when my milk wasn’t coming in and I couldn’t relax and began panicking because my little tiny baby was screaming out of hunger, I resorted to pumping only. I only produced two to three ounces a day and that only lasted two months and then I, of course completely. dried. up.

Fortunately (or unfortunately), Lucas was dehydrated when he was born and took longer than the standard week to return to his birth weight, so the nurses at the hospital told us we would have to supplement with formula. Dad was feeding the synthetic stuff to our son this through a syringe while my sister was pressing on my breasts to help encourage the milk to come in and I was busy trying to relax and hold my baby in the most optimal position. As you can imagine, it wasn’t a pretty picture.

I know of all the advantages of breastfed babies and I wanted them for Lucas. I thought I would have a gullet of milk gushing out of my boobs. I wanted my boobs to do what they were designed for, but instead they let me down and to this day I still feel extremely guilty that Lucas didn’t get breast milk longer. I really did try and I had a lot of support around me, it just wasn’t meant to be in the end.

Whether they work or not, back to boobs…and bras.

I feel like I am forever on the search for the perfect fitting, just enough lift, maximum comfort providing bra, especially now that mine have changed so much since giving birth. I think it’s time for this momma to head back to Nordstrom for an “intimate” fitting.

I have had pretty good luck with the Victoria Secret Body by Victoria line, but would love to know what everyone else likes. What’s your favorite everyday bra? Sports bra? Nursing bra (provided I ever give that another whirl)? Push up? T-shirt?

The best is yet to be.

This post is for the new word game, Word Up, Yo! hosted by Natalie (Mommy of a Monster), Kristin (Taming Insanity) and Liz (a belle, a bean and a chicago dog). I love words and wish I had a better vocabulary. I like the way words sound and feel sometimes rolling off my tongue. I especially enjoy words that I have to look up their meanings to. Having said all of that, you may see this button on my blog from time to time:

If you like words too, you should play along!
This week’s word is gullet.

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Filed Under: a mother's guilt, controversial topics, motherhood, pregnancy, weight, word up yo

I Spy

Posted on June 13, 2010 Written by Tonya

Your dad has been away on a business trip all weekend and a part from a few hours today, when I had a luxurious massage followed my lunch with a friend, it has been just you and me.

You have been an absolute joy (see Friday’s post for my thoughts on that) and I have realized that if I could earn a salary for watching you, I’d be a millionaire!

I love to spy on you as you try to figure things out; like how the wheels turn on your toy train and how if you push a button, the music comes back on. You appear so deep in concentration as you move from station to station in your bedroom… from the toy box over to the book shelf, on to the basket that holds all of your stuffed animals and then to the window sills. You are very busy and always seem to be on an exploration. You are deep into cause and effect and how things work right now and it is fascinating to observe.

You make very calculated movements, as though you think your next step though before you bolt off to do it. This is such an incredible characteristic to witness take shape as you learn more about the world around you and one that you most definitely did NOT inherit from me.

You are really smart. I know, I’m your mother so I may be a bit biased, but you know to turn a book around when it is upside down and when you see a funny picture, you actually laugh.

I sat and stared at you for at least 5 minutes while you rediscovered a book that you hadn’t seen in a while. You flipped slowly through it, page by page and giggled quietly to yourself at the smiling babies that you saw inside and when you were done, you started right back at the beginning. I watched you do this four times in row. It was so endearing and I didn’t even know it, but tears started rolling out down my face.

Maybe I was still on a “spa high”, maybe my hormones are on overdrive (will they EVER return to normal?!?) or perhaps, and I’m banking on this one, I’m simply in love with my son and everything he does.

Today was a good day, but as always, the best is yet to be.

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Filed Under: character, motherhood, pastime, praise, toys

Just The Two Of Us

Posted on June 11, 2010 Written by Tonya

I am lucky to have the very best partner on the planet because I honestly could NOT do this parenting thing on my own and I have so much respect for mommy’s that do.


My husband and I make a great tag team because he knows how crucial my “me time”, friend time, sleep and need to have a couple of moments to regroup (AKA blog about my day) are to me and how important my getting those things makes me a better mother. I can only hope I do the same for him.

Having said all that…

I have a confession to make: sometimes it is just way easier to do it on my own. Not that my husband and I have different parenting styles; he is MORE than capable, a wonderful father and I have no qualms about their time together or the way in which he does things with our son, BUT Lucas and I have a thing going, a routine and everything just seems to work a little better/easier/smoother when it is just us.

I attribute this to being Lucas’ primary care giver, the one that spends the most time with him and the fact that oh, I don’t know, I’m the mom. Seriously, why is it that only Mommy will do in certain situations or on days that end in the letter ‘y’? I still marvel at the fact that I could mean so much to one little person. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside, while at the same time, bugs the living shit out me!

Apart from the joy and frustration of being the most important person in my young son’s life, I swear he does behave slightly better when it’s just he and I, I think the tag teaming thing irks him.

Sorry, little buddy, your dad is here to stay. Here’s to my partner!

The best is yet to be.

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Filed Under: challenges, confession, parenthood, TBW

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