discipline

Back To Basics – Update

Posted on April 16, 2013 Written by Tonya

First and foremost, my thoughts and prayers go out to all those affected by the explosions in Boston yesterday. It is heartbreaking that these events happen here and around the world.

We are half way through Project: Back To Basics, in which I vowed to go on a one month buying strike and refrain from buying Lucas any toys, games, Matchbox cars, Micro Drifters, sweets, books, or other unnecessary junk. Progress has been so-so and I’ve been keeping daily notes….

April 1: No incident

April 2: FedEx store – Lucas had a full melt down over markers and a package of Angry Birds flash drives. We walked out without anything and he was kicking and screaming.

April 3: Daddy brought home a Superman Pez dispenser from his trip. I wasn’t happy about it, but let it slide.

April 4: Lucas asked to borrowed a friend’s Monster Truck Cars after a play date.

April 5: Lakeshore Learning – Lucas had a crying fit over sponge dinosaurs, which he already has. I didn’t buy them and he pouted and fussed all the way home.

April 6: No incident and began telling me throughout the day that April is “no buy month”. Progress!!

April 7: Found a car at the park but still pleaded for Cars book, Angry Birds game and fishing pole with fish at Barnes & Noble. He didn’t get anything.

April 8: No incident – Spent two hours at the library and checked out 10 books, he acted like it was Christmas.

April 9: No incident

April 10: No incident

April 11: Lucas asked to borrow a friend’s stuffed turtle after play date.

April 12: Day 1 of Lucas’ Spring Break. We went to the Long Beach Aquarium and he begged me for an aquarium truck, which I bought. I know, I know. I felt like a total loser, but I did explain that he wasn’t going to get anything at Knott’s Berry Farm or Legoland, which we are planning to visit later in the week. SIDE NOTE: We have yearly passes to each amusement park. Lucas thanked me the rest of the day for the truck and played with it everyday.

April 13: Aaron Brothers – Lucas asked to “just look” at children’s section, had designs on a box of markers, but was able to leave them on the shelf and there was no fit or mention of them again.

April 14: No incident

April 15: Knott’s Berry Farm – Lucas was able to walk through the gift shop without asking for anything and he reminded me of the deal we made at the aquarium. More progress!!

April 16: Lucas and I spent two hours going through and organizing all of Lucas’ toys and made a small pile of items to donate. I could not be happier. There are still 14 days left in the month. I must stay strong!!

It’s really hard to say no your child, especially when they have big crocodile tears streaming down their face and they are causing a scene in a public place, but I’m learning slowly but surely to say no. No, not today, add it to your birthday list, let’s go home and play a game instead, what if we go to the park, etc. etc. etc.

Back To Basics

Posted on March 28, 2013 Written by Tonya

From the time I was 17 on, I only saw my parents 3-4 times a year. They worked and lived overseas while I was in boarding school and then college in Arizona. Our time together was precious and never long enough. I believe they made up for the distance, the absence and maybe a sense of abandonment they felt by showering me with material things and checks.

For a while, I liked it.

A lot.

What greedy teenager wouldn’t?

I would pine for something and get it. I will be the first to admit I was spoiled and still have selfish tendencies because of it.

But there came a moment, sometime around my Sophomore year of college that I didn’t like the “gifts” and even began refusing the checks my father would try to hand me with tears in his eyes at the airport upon saying goodbye.

It started to feel like guilt money. I tried to explain my feelings, but they said I was being crazy.

I swore I wouldn’t do this to my children.

Funny how as parents we do that a lot, huh?

In the weeks leading up to our recent move and as we have been settling in, I have overindulged Lucas with more treats and cars and other toys than I care to fess up to. I wanted the transition to be a smooth one for him and I thought the gifts would help. He’s done fantastic. Of course. All he really cares about is that his family; mommy, daddy, puppy and fishy are all together under the same roof.

I have had to bring Lucas along with me to dozens of doctor’s appointments in the last few months and when he waits patiently (WAY more patient than I ever am) by my side, I feel the need to reward him with the toys he asks for. All he really cares about is spending time with mommy.

I learned a long time ago that I cannot take Lucas with me to the supermarket, Target or any other establishment that sells toys because he gets a terrible case of the gimmes and I fall prey each and every time, buying him more crap he doesn’t really need.

The stuff is not only a waste of money, it’s a poor excuse for my love and praise and he doesn’t need a million toys. I know there’s a I want him to have a better childhood than I did thing going on, but the truth is I had a full and rich childhood and I wanted for nothing. I was blessed.

I need to break this cycle now and get more creative with my affections. I need to learn to say no and not be so weak and cave when he says please, Mommy in that sweet little boy voice I know will soon change.

His dad and I do our best to teach our son about gratitude and being thankful for the things he has but my continuous buying doesn’t help.

It’s hard when everything is a negotiation with a three year old and you want to give him the world and that’s why I have decided starting Monday, April 1, because Sunday is Easter and I have already made up an Easter basket for Lucas, I am going to go on a one month, no buying strike. No toys, no games, no Matchbox cars, no packages of Micro Drifters, no sweets, no books, no plastic junk. I will post updates here on my progress.

We are going to rediscover toys Lucas already has and spend quality time together playing games and visiting the library and parks and having good old fashioned play dates. We are going to get back to basics and I will be weak no more. Wish me luck!

Broken Record

Posted on January 22, 2013 Written by Tonya

‘No’ is a complete sentence. – Anne Lamott

My son will never fully understand the term, “I’m starting to sound like a broken record” because he’ll never own a record, but it really is the best way to describe 90% of what comes out of my mouth and in through one of his ears and out the other on any given day.

Spoken in varying degrees of volume I might add.

If you aren’t going to eat it, why did you ask for it?

Let’s go, we’re going to be late!

Now, Lucas!!

I love you.

Please don’t put that in your mouth.

What do you say?

What did you say?

You’re so sweet, buddy.

No shoes on the couch.

Please don’t talk to me that way.

Will you please pick up these toys?

You did such a great job!

Do you need to potty?

Are you sure?

Do you need some help?

Let me fix your undies.

What do you mean no more kisses?

Are you tired?

No nap?

No potty talk, please.

Be nice to the dog.

How did I get so lucky?

It’s not time for TV.

No means no.

Maybe.

Stop at the corner!

Use the brake, not your shoe.

I’m so proud of you.

No splashing.

Be careful, buddy.

No running.

Thank you for listening.

None of that stuff belongs in here, take it into the play room.

Indoor voice.

Why are you yelling?

Please stop yelling.

Of course, I’ll get you a snack, read to you, play a game, color, put on music, take you to the park, jump on the trampoline, build a tower, let you play with glitter.

Agh!! I’m either cleaning up a mess you’ve made or the dog made.

That’s the 45th time you have asked me to help you look for your Chuggingtons and I said I would when we get home.

Not one more time, do you hear me?

Can you hear me?

Do you know how much I love you?

Three

Posted on August 29, 2012 Written by Tonya

There was a little girl,
Who had a little curl,
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good,
She was very good indeed,
But when she was bad she was horrid.

– Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Three is tough.

Three is really tough.

I had been told that the terrible twos had nothing on the horrible threes, but I had no idea how rough it was going to be.

A perfect family outing can turn sour in the blink of an eye.

A pleasant dinner can end in tears and refusal to eat before you have a chance to say, “please pass the pepper”.

Quiet snuggle time and stories at bedtime can lead to World War III.

Three year old’s can be unruly, unpredictable and unwavering.

They are loud and throw animalistic temper tantrums over minutia.

They are cheeky and disrespectful, cunning and quick.

One minute cute and adorable, engaging and fun and the next he’s the Terminator and out for blood.

From the day he turned three, Lucas, an already very willful child, became a professional terror, especially when temperatures are on the rise, a nap hasn’t been had, he has an empty tummy or has heard the word “no” one too many times.

His father and I became professional negotiators, peace keepers, patience seekers and silent 1 to 10 counters. We are a good team and can tell when the other needs a break.

Time outs, taking toys and other privileges away don’t always work. Neither does yelling. Yelling always makes it worse.

Sometimes we give in.

Sometimes we become short order cooks or we gather our belongings and get up and leave with a kicking and screaming child batting us in the head, we have long discussions about behavior and patience with both one another and our son. We try to teach Lucas what is acceptable and what is not, right from wrong and are learning to say “no” with finesse.

We fall into bed each night exhausted, pray that we made the right choices and are parenting as best as we can and have high hopes that tomorrow is a better day.

Every now and then, but more often than not, we receive heartfelt apologies from our sweet boy, tender “I love you’s” full of remorse and it makes all the horrid worthwhile.

I Never Knew…

Posted on June 11, 2012 Written by Tonya

…that my sleep patterns would be so completely interrupted.

…that I would wipe your snot with the sleeve of my shirt.

…that there would be stickers on my living room floor for weeks on end.

…that World War III would break out if I offered the “wrong” flavor of juice.

…that I would utter the words, “Don’t lick that”, “Do you have to use the potty?” or, “Maybe” so many times.

…that rainy days would make me want to cry.

…that we would waste so much food!

…that my patience would be tried each and every day in ways I never could imagine.

…that there was so much I didn’t know.

…that there would be crayon marks on our walls, Play-Doh ground into clothing and paint caked to our dining table.

…that jumping in puddles would so fun.

…that there would be so many little toy pieces to misplace, lose all together, step on, or throw over the fence our neighbor’s yard.

…that there would be master negotiation tactics used in my house on an hourly basis. Seriously, show me a man on a ledge of a highrise and I’ll get him down!

…that ice cream, M&M’s and lollipops held so much power.

…that time-outs would be as much for you as they are for me.

…that I would spend half a lunch at a restaurant (with my in laws!!) coaxing you out from underneath the table. Grrr.

…that my heart could be so full.

This photo was taken yesterday. Do not let the innocent look on his face fool you, this little hellion refused to sit at the table, eat or cooperate in any way. Holy embarrassing!

Laughter Is My Only Good Advice

Posted on April 24, 2012 Written by Tonya

They say laughter is the best medicine and when it comes to raising kids, there has never been a truer statement. Take is from Tracy, also known as Sellabit Mum.

I had the pleasure of meeting Tracy at BlogHer last year and she is simply lovely. We have always had a fun banter and this letter to her eldest daughter is down right perfect and I am thrilled to welcome her here today.

Dear Eldest Daughter,

I’m glad we’ve reached the point in our relationship that you can laugh at me and not just laugh with me and get my jokes (although – thank goodness, as developing a good sense of humor is truly important), because I want you to know that I am human and that I hurt and also make many mistakes. Also, my jokes are always funny. Write that down.

Sometimes I wonder if it’s hard being the oldest child. Your parents obsessing about getting it all right. Buying the right crib, painting the nursery just so, finding the perfect potty chair, feeding you the right foods, reading you only the best books, taking you to all of the right classes, getting you professionally photographed every damn month. Not that I would admit to doing all of that but if I were to fess-up…pretty much we just wanted what was best..when honestly we had no idea what we were doing.

So then I wonder if it’s hard being the oldest child because you have little siblings watching your every move – the struggle for independence, the bedtimes pushed a little later, the trendy clothes, and the new fights with your parents.

At times it can be so overwhelming as a parent just knowing the immense responsibility we have raising kind, generous, contributing people that maybe we don’t stop the think that you carry some of that same weight. You get to experience our failures first-hand like a strange science experiment of the parenting kind.

I apologize. Also, no you can’t stay-up until 10pm this weekend. BECAUSE I SAID SO.

All of the above is just to really say that I’m scared. Very scared. You’re turning 10 this year. The next few years ahead of you will be filled with wonder, hormones, laughter, tears and probably pretty crazy fights with your mother. There will be days that you just want to play on the playground with your sisters and days where you feel like you don’t have a friend in the world.

But we will get though it and you need to know that the other side of it will be beautiful. Truly.

So for now – before this all starts and I stumble and fall and likely have to apologize 100 times for my unpreparedness…please remember that it all just boils down to these very simple things:

1. You are loved

2. You are beautiful

3. You are kind

4. You are important

5. You are smart

6. You are strong

but mainly…

7. You are too good for that boy, so get in the house NOW young lady and finish your homework.

See, it’s the laughter that is going to get us through. God willing.

Love you,

Mom

My Son Really Likes Me

Posted on April 17, 2012 Written by Tonya

We recently extended Lucas’ preschool hours from three hours each day, three days per week to six hours each day, three days per week. It has been four days so far with Spring Break in the middle.

Lucas will be three years old in June, he loves going to school, we felt he was ready and we are struggling with nap time at home. It’s bad, people!

Like most children, when Lucas doesn’t nap, he is a nightmare! A long afternoon becomes longer and dinner, bath and bedtime are dreadful. Lots of tears, kicking, screaming, you get the picture.

So, how is Lucas doing with nap time?

Wonderful, he was the first one asleep today!

Really?

And he slept for two hours.

Wow!

While I am pleased that Lucas is sleeping at school and I know at some point all children give up their naps, this conversation with Lucas’ preschool teacher made me insane seeing as we fight for him to rest on the days he doesn’t go to school. He goes so far as to tell me that he won’t nap HOURS before nap time. There is nothing more infuriating than a 2 1/2 year old bossypants.

I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I stick to the school schedule, give fair warning, lay down with him, read him dozens of books, rub his back, sing to him and then end up letting him cry it out, which I absolutely hate, so after about 8 minutes, I give up and we forgo nap. Again.

My husband likes to joke and say Lucas won’t nap for me because he likes me too much.

That just can’t be true.

Any advice?

Please!

Gratitude Is Everything

Posted on December 4, 2011 Written by Tonya

I’ll be the first to admit that I spoil my son rotten, but raising an ingrate is a deep seeded fear of mine.

Recently, I have read some beautiful posts: Change of Plans: Children and Gratitude and When Your Child Acts Entitled on jaw dropping moments mothers have had when their children behave ungrateful.

I rarely leave the house without bringing him home a treat of the edible or four-wheeled variety. Anymore it’s the only way I can get him to go to the super market with me. Thank goodness Matchbox cars are only $1.00, but as you and I both know, those dollars add up visit after visit and I’m the one left grumbling about picking up 75 cars throughout the day.

Lucas is no dummy and has grown to expect a “treat” for doing something I’ve asked of him, for keeping it together while I wander through Target, drag him into the bank, Starbucks, dry cleaners, etc.

We put up our Christmas tree on Friday night and I stayed up long after Lucas had gone to bed to decorate it. I wanted him to wake up in the morning and see it in all it’s glory.

This is Lucas’ first Christmas tree and I want having the tree to be special for him, a tradition in the making. I thought it would be fun for him to choose a couple of new ornaments, so off to Target we went with a list of a few other household items we needed.

We had a lot of fun picking out three new ornaments; a penguin, a ‘W’ for our surname and a Lightening McQueen (the boy has a thing for the movie Cars) and then he began badgering me to go down the toy aisle, which I was happy to oblige knowing full well I’d be buying him a car in order to get through the rest of my shopping.

He seemed happy with the bright orange car he selected and promptly ripped it from its packaging, making sure to hand me all the pieces (bar code included so that I could pay for it) and we carried on to get laundry detergent.

Somewhere between greeting cards and electronics, he spotted a Cars car set that he just had to have. I let him hold on to it for a while so that I could finish my shopping and explained to him that I wasn’t going to buy it, he had already gotten a car on this trip and that he had three of the six cars in the set at home. This information prompted a complete and utter melt down.

I then returned the set to it’s place on the shelf and asked him if we could compromise; put back the orange car and get a Cars car that he didn’t have. He liked that idea but when we found one that he wanted, he wanted it and the orange car, which was not part of the deal. Lucas is only two-and-a half, but he gets it. He wanted both and said so repeatedly and also, “buy it for me” at the top of his lungs.

In the past maybe I would have bought it just to shut him up, but I need to break that cycle in order to teach him how to be thankful for the toys he does have and not to expect something new every time we are in a store.

I kept my cool and calmly repeated that this was a hard lesson for us both, that was no way to talk to me and I was sorry but, you don’t always get what you want. Needless to say, screaming and wailing and carrying on in mortifying levels followed while standing in the check out that I almost walked away from my cart and right out of the store. No one needs to hear a tantrum.

As we left, an audacious customer said to me, “Seriously, can you not get your kid under control?” to which I replied, “Go to hell.”

Not my finest moment (or response), but WTF? This was none of her concern and her commentary was not only unnecessary, but rude, out of line and shocking to me.

Once we made it to the car, I called my husband in tears exclaiming that I didn’t want to raise an ungrateful child and I had just been called out/judged by a complete stranger.

As odd as it sounds, in the moment I could not tell what I was most upset about; the perception that I could not control my child’s behavior or the behavior itself.

Of course, I know now, without a doubt that it’s my son’s behavior that was most troubling. God knows Lucas did not need another car, so hopefully he will remember walking out of the store without one.

And that woman means nothing to me but teaching my child gratitude? Means everything.

Do you admittedly spoil your child(ren)? How do teach them about being grateful? What should I have said to that bitch?

Pushover

Posted on August 29, 2011 Written by Tonya

There are bribes to get in and out of the car, move from one activity to the next, bribes to brush teeth, put on and take off articles of clothing, do things and behave the way I want him to.

The dialogue varies from threats and time outs to special privileges, sweet treats and new toys.

The negotiations are clever and cunning and downright exhausting.

All day, every day scenarios like these play out in my home:

SCENARIO 1 – Getting out the door

Me: [Matter-of-factly] Lucas, we need to leave in five minutes, buddy. Let’s get your shoes on.
Him: grumble grumble something that sounds like: I’m playing cars right now.

Me: [Excitedly] Don’t you remember? It’s tumble class day!
Him: No tumble class!

Me: [Way over excited] C’mon, it’ll be fun, you love tumble class.
Him: silence

Me: [Questioning] Lucas?
Him: I’m playing cars right now.

Me: [Exasperated] Let’s get your shoes on. We have to go!
Him: silence

Me: [Defeated] I’ll let you watch TV in the car, if you let me put your shoes on and we get out the door.

OUTCOME: Shoes on and we’re off! Class goes pretty well but as usual, an hour is generally 15 minutes too long for either of us.

SCENARIO 2 – Running an errand

Me: [Nonchalantly] I need to go to the grocery store and get a few things, will you come with me?
Him: No, no grocery store!

Me: [Pleading] Lucas, we don’t have any milk and you finished your favorite cereal this morning. Plus, I need get some veggies to have with our chicken tonight. You can help me pick them out.
Him: No veggies.

Me: [Begging] Please. It’ll be a quick trip, I promise.
Him: No, no grocery store.

Me: [Defeated] What about getting a new car while we are at the grocery store?

OUTCOME: We are at the grocery store crossing items off my list and adding another car to our already out of control collection.

SCENARIO 3 – Taking a nap

Me: Why don’t we go in your room and read some books?
Him: No books, no nap!

Me: No one said anything about a nap. Let’s go read!
Him: No books, no nap!

Me: Why don’t you pick out three books for me to read to you?
Him: No books, no nap!

Me: Listen kid, you need to take a nap.
Him: No!

Me: Okay, why don’t we just lay down and watch TV?
Him: I need a snack.

Me: Okay, I’ll get a snack if you come read with me.

OUTCOME: A very long afternoon for two frustrated people because the snack of choice always contains sugar.

SCENARIO 4 – Eating

Me: What do you want for lunch?
Him: How about mac ‘n’ cheese?

Me: That’s sounds good.
Him: No, I want yogurt.

Me: Okay, what kind? We have vanilla, blueberry and peach.
Him: Peach

Me: Here you go!
Him: No, I want a waffle and a banana.

Me: What about your yogurt?
Him: No, I want a banana!

Me: Okay, here’s a banana. Do you still want the waffle?
Him: I want mac ‘n’ cheese.

OUTCOME: Nothing is eaten, everything is thrown away and I swear I’ll make him eat whatever I put in front of him for the next meal. It doesn’t happen. Ever.

Please tell me I’m not the only pushover mom out there.

Please!

The Terrible Twos: A Preview?

Posted on January 8, 2011 Written by Tonya

It seems as though with 18 months came the onset of the “terrible twos”.

And the stink eye…Mean, huh?

I was not prepared for either one.

Lucas has been having melt downs pretty much since the day we brought him home. They were few and far between and we learned very quickly that he can’t be in one place for very long, needing and relishing change to his environment. But now, these melt downs are full blown temper tantrums and they can be wicked.

There are two to three a day and we have learned to minimize our interference and just let him go through it. It’s safer for everyone involved.

We have never hit Lucas. As parents we do not believe in spanking, so we never will (I have been tempted for sure, but have refrained).

But he hits.

When he’s mad or frustrated or bonks himself on the corner of a table, he hits it. He hits us. He hits himself.

It’s scary.

Where do children learn to do this? Is it a natural instinct, a protection mechanism? Is it a boy thing, or do girls do it too? When does it subside? Please tell me it subsides!

More than once recently, Lucas has been put in a Time-Out for hitting and throwing things with very little to zero effectiveness. He thinks it’s a game. We don’t want Time-Out to be a punishment necessarily, but an opportunity for him to reset himself, i.e. modify his crappy behavior.

I have read that 18 months is not too early to start this practice, but we are novices and it doesn’t seem to be going very well so far.

Today, I bought a designated Time-Out chair. Hopefully it will help him understand we mean business. Any Time-Out advice?

When did the terrible twos begin in your house and what else can we expect from them? I miss my sweet boy.

Lucas turned 19 months on Thursday. I can’t wait to see what this month will bring. Wish us luck…

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