Letters For Lucas

Wonders, Mishaps, Blunders and Joy.. commentary on my life as a mom in the form of letters to my son

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A Year Full Of Possibilities

Posted on January 21, 2011 Written by Tonya

My Barnes & Noble Silver Lining Paris Remembered 2011 desk calendar finally arrived this week and I can’t wait to start filling it in!!For as “high tech” as I am or try to be with my iPhone and online calendar, I get a big charge out of keeping track of my so-called life in black-and-white and multi-colored highlighters.

There is nothing better than a brand new, crisp, clean calendar.

Plus, I keep track of everything!

You probably didn’t know (or care) that I moved my body 735 miles last year in the form of walking, running, bike riding, the elliptical or StairMaster, or that I took Lucas to the Bay Area solo four times? How about that I saw 12 movies – in the theater and ate lunch at Subway 51 times (don’t judge!). I got my hair colored five times and had five massages, which is about 10 too few, by the way! I also noted that Lucas’ last day of wearing the Doc Band was June 3, he took his first steps on July 6, had his first hair cut on August 1. Looking back on 2010, I have a very blessed life.

And now, a whole entire year lay before me, page after page just begging to be filled in with birthdays, anniversaries, weddings, play dates, many more spa appointments, visits to Grandma and Grandpa’s, visits from aunt Leah, lunches with friends, dinners with my husband, long walks, yoga classes, weekend get-aways, Lucas’ milestones and a whole lot more!

A whole year full of possibilities…

How will you fill your 2011 calendar?

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Filed Under: doc band, me time, memories, milestones, travel

Perfect Balance

Posted on January 8, 2011 Written by Tonya

New Year’s Eve used to mean buying tickets to the hottest party, scoring an invitation, going all out to have one of our own, or having a nice, long romantic dinner for two followed by drinking like a fish.

This year, we had an 18 month old and had no babysitter, so our New Year’s eve was quiet and spent at a nearby Mexican restaurant. We were home by 7:00.

The salsa and margaritas were free flowing, but one hour is about Lucas’ threshold for dining out.

I was able to capture these cute photos of him with a balloon using my new favorite iPhone app, Mobile Photobooth. However…

If the first week of the 2011, is any indication to what the rest of the year has in store for me and my little family, I’m thrilled!

So far, Lucas and I have been to Pretend City Children’s Musem, explored a new park, went to a friend’s house for a fun play date and have made several successful trips to Target together in an effort to stock and organize our new home.

I’ve worked out four times, had lunch with a friend, a date night with Todd, have seen four awesome movies (The American, Inception, Rabbit Hole and The Town), one was even in the theater and spent a glorious hour in a spa chair!

It’s been the perfect balance of family time, friend time, me time and exploring our new surroundings. What more could I ask for?

This post is for Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop: Prompt 2.) If the way you spent your New Year’s Eve is any indication of how the rest of the year will go, how would you say your future is looking right about now?

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Filed Under: friends, holidays, mama kat's writer's workshop, me time, movies, outing, photos

Vegas On My Mind

Posted on January 7, 2011 Written by Tonya

An amusement park for adults.
Beautiful bodies in barely there bikinis.
Casinos full of eager players trying to keep their cool and their cash.
Dressed to the nines, dancing until the stilettos must come off and the sun comes up.
Entertainment everywhere you turn.
Fearless, foolish, fun.
Great friends getting together for a girl’s trip!
Hot spots, high energy and hangovers.
Inhibitions revealed.
Jackpot. Jokers wild.
Seven come 11. Bet. Push. Stay.
Knowing you are going to hurt in the morning.
Lights, loud music, “LOVE”.
Mandalay Bay, Monte Carlo, MGM, Mirage.
Never. Coming. Again. Is what we always tell yourself, yet…
Once you’re there, one night is never quite long enough.
Poolside cocktails in the hot summer sun.
Quick escape, dangerously only an hour away.
Risk. Roll of the dice. Reward.
Smoke-filled rooms full of sparkle, shimmer and shine.
Time stands still and taunts you to stay up later.
Under dressed, over exposed and within reach.
VIP all the way.

Winner winner, chicken dinner!
X-rated, overrated, under estimated, it’s Vegas, baby!
Y
earning for a shower. And a nap.
Zzzzz.

This post is for The Red Dress Club’s writing meme, Red Writi
ng Hood. This weeks prompt is: write a short piece – fiction, non-fiction, poetry, whatevs – in which each sentence starts with the next letter of the alphabet. Starting with “A.” So, yes, your finished product will consist of 26 sentences.

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Filed Under: friends, me time, red writing hood, travel Tagged With: friends, me time, red writing hood, travel

Finding The Time

Posted on December 28, 2010 Written by Tonya

I honestly don’t know how some mothers do it, especially those with more than one child and no help, or those that work full time. And those that have more than one child and work full time are my absolute heroes!

I really have no business complaining. I have a husband, who is a very hands-on father, a sister who babysits from time to time AND a nanny two days a week for 10 hours and I still feel like I’m drowning.

I’m drowning in obligations or things I feel like I should be doing and never seem to find the time to get to. Am I alone?

Sure, we are just coming out of a holiday season, which is busy and overwhelming for everyone. And yes, we did just moved and it will be a while before the dust has settled, the boxes are all empty and the piles have disappeared, but nevertheless, my ‘To Do’ is long and grows daily. Here are some of the items currently at the top:

  • Find new pediatrician.
  • Find new general practitioner and dentist.
  • Write and send holiday thank you cards.
  • Call umpteen companies and change our address.
  • Figure out a plan on how and when to start potty training Lucas.
  • Hire a picture hanger (don’t ask, just trust me when I say that it will save my marriage by doing this).
  • Go through closet, bathroom products, books and photos. Organize!!
  • Get my ass back into the gym.
  • Start researching nursery schools.

It goes on and on and on from there…

I realize none of these things are dire, but they weigh heavily on my mind.

How do you find the time to stay fit, connect with your spouse, spend quality time with family and friends, have a coherent conversation on the phone, keep a daily blog, read blogs daily, read anything, watch your favorite shows, shop for a wedding gift, make dinner, stay on top of the laundry, etc., etc., etc.?! How do you do it all? And better yet, how do you do it all WITHOUT the guilt? How do you do it and still be present for your child?

Please don’t say “better time management” or “by prioritizing”, because I think I’m pretty good at both of those. My problem is that once Lucas goes down for a nap or it’s bedtime, or I happen to have some “me time”, I honestly need the time to decompress, gather myself and my thoughts and have absolutely zero desire to jump into a task. I need the quiet.

Since becoming a mother, I have found that boredom is SO underrated.

So, again, how do you do it?

Stay up all night?

Medication?

I really want to know. What are your best tips and tricks?

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Filed Under: a mother's guilt, advice, me time

The Rush

Posted on December 20, 2010 Written by Tonya

Everything I know about surfing I learned from the 1991 movie Point Break*, which isn’t saying a lot. I live in one of the world’s most popular surf spots and I know nothing about it. I have never been on a board myself but I have always found surfing an intriguing sport, so I wasn’t surprised recently when I spent nearly an hour completely mesmerized by 55 surfers.I watched the tide go in and out dozens of times and I felt like somewhat of a voyeur.

My first observation was that surfers contort their bodies in the most peculiar ways getting in and out of their wet suits, carrying massive and very awkward shaped boards that they then attach to one of their feet. Bizarre. I sat at the water’s edge and thought, how can the ocean be so loud and rough, yet so calming and peaceful at the same time? I frequently walk on the beach and love to take in the sights and smells it offers, but my breath slowed and my body relaxed like it hadn’t in a long time as I positioned myself high on a rock with the beautiful view laid before me.

As the sun glistened on the water, anxious surfers paddled out to sea and there they waited.

And waited.

It was as if they were willing the perfect wave to propel them to shore. Not every wave has a crest capable of such a trip. Surfing is a lesson in patience. It’s a solitary sport.

Just you and the water.

So many factors play a role in providing the perfect wave; the wind, the swell direction and intensity, the time of the year, high or low tide, what’s underneath the water, etc.

Once the right wave appears, the ride and the movements the surfers made looked elegant and effortless from where I sat. Their bodies possessing a balance and ease that I found fascinating. Lyrical.

I didn’t need to question anyone as to why they do it. It’s obvious.

It’s the rush, being one with the water, escaping land and the pursuit of the perfect wave.

Maybe I’ll feel it for myself someday.

*A point break refers to the place where waves hit a point of land or rocks jutting out from the coastline.

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Filed Under: beach, me time, random, sports Tagged With: beach, me time, random, sports

24 Little Hours

Posted on October 7, 2010 Written by Tonya

1 day

24 hours

1440 minutes

86,400 seconds

If I could stop time and have 24 hours to myself, provided I didn’t need to sleep and money and transportation were no object, here’s what I’d do with my time, in no particular order:

I love walking and working out in general, but I miss yoga and haven’t practiced in a few weeks. I’d like to start my 24 hours of freedom, I mean, accomplishment by taking a 1 hour yoga class.

Call my dear friend, Suzy. It’s been weeks since we’ve talked uninterrupted and I’d love to give her 1 hour of my undivided attention to catch up on her life. She is one of the few people that I enjoy talking on the phone with and as a mother of two grown children of her own and a grandmother to four, I always get the best advice and warmest of fuzzies after talking to her.

Speaking of catching up, I’d like to watch some of the junk I have recorded in TiVo… two episodes of Grey’s Anatomy, two episodes of Modern Family and maybe an Oprah or two. Wow, even with all the fast-forwarding through commercials, that’s almost 5 hours right there.

Seeing as I am devoting 5 hours to TV, I better devote 5 hours to my husband as well. He’s almost as neglected as my TiVo. Can you say *date night*? We have a lot of fun when we go out, grab a beer and have time to reconnect.

I’d like to have a 3 hour lunch with my friend Colleen. We both have little ones and seldom get together without them in tow any more. It’d be nice for it to be “just us” again for a couple of hours.

I’d like to put my own blog on hold for 3 hours while I caught up on everyone else’s that I enjoy reading… I am SO behind!!

90 minute massage. Enough said.

I would love to finish the book I started on my trip to Seattle, Little Bee. It’s heavy, but very good and after I finished it, I’d like to move on to Jenny McCarthy’s latest, Love, Lust and Faking It and get as far as I could within 3 hours.

With the 90 minutes I’d have left, I’d shower, shave both legs, wash and dry my hair and tweet. 🙂

Sounds like a perfect and yes, very indulgent day to me. Not sure, I’d be accomplishing much of anything other than taking time out to do the things I love.

What would you do if you had 24 hours of free time?

This post is for Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop – Prompt #5: If you could stop time for 24 hours, what would you accomplish? (inspired by Liz from a belle, a bean & a chicago dog)

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Filed Under: friends, mama kat's writer's workshop, me time, TV

Seattle

Posted on September 28, 2010 Written by Tonya

My mother was born in Seattle in 1948, but didn’t live there very long before moving to Texas, D.C. and then around the world. I wish I knew more about her life there and where exactly she lived.

I had never been to the “Emerald City” until March of 2002. I spent a long weekend visiting my dear and heartbroken friend, Sarah. Shortly after moving to Washington from Arizona, she and her then fiance had just broken off their engagement. It was a rainy, deary and sad trip. I was immensely proud of my friend for staying in a new city, making new friends and finding a new job, especially given all the rain the Northwest gets. So much rain that I never cared to return.

Never say never.

I now have nothing but kind words for a city that has made it’s way on my short list of favorite cities in the U.S.

I just returned from a fabulous weekend in Seattle. From the famed Pike Place Market overlooking Elliot Bay with it’s fresh fish, flowers, fruits and vegetables to the Space Needle and birth place of Jimi Hendrix and grunge music, I have nothing but kind words for a city that is now on my short list of favorite cities in the U.S.

The main reason for my trip was to celebrate Sarah and her new fiance, Chris at an engagement party hosted by her wonderful friends (some of Sarah’s same friends that I met eight years ago).

Another highlight was seeing an old friend from junior high school! 22 years later and we picked up right where we left off. I love it when that happens. To me, it is the definition of true friendship. My visit with Siobhain did wonders for my soul.

Next summer, we will return as a family when we attend Sarah and Chris’ wedding.

Here are a few of my favorite shots from the weekend:

By the way, it did rain on Sunday.

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Filed Under: friends, KRA, me time, photos, travel

Flying Solo

Posted on September 27, 2010 Written by Tonya

Lucas and I have been on 10 solo journeys together that involved airports, airplanes and lots of gear. Last weekend I went to Seattle to attend my good friend, Sarah’s engagement party (more on that in another post) and I went alone!

I haven’t traveled without a child in SO long.

Here are some of my childless travel observations:

  • I actually dressed up for my flight and by “dressing up” I mean that I wore real shoes instead of flip flops and my “good” jeans.
  • I checked my suitcase so that I could walk on the plane carrying only a reasonably sized purse.
  • There wasn’t any struggling with a stroller, squirmy child, two pairs of shoes, diaper bag or waiting for FAA to “test” bottles of formula when going through security.
  • I took the stairs whenever possible instead of elevators.
  • I didn’t have to walk around the terminal trying to tire out someone by looking at airplanes, other children or anything else.
  • I bought and read an entire issue of People magazine and completed the crossword puzzle.

  • I’m sure it’ll be days before I get to crack it open again, but I read 100 pages of a new book (Little Bee by Chris Cleave) while on board.

  • There were no beads of sweat collecting on my brow because I wasn’t accompanied by someone prone to get overly loud or have meltdowns at 37,000 feet.
  • The last thing on my mind on the layover and hour delay on the way home was running out of diapers.
  • I thoroughly enjoyed strolling through the airport newsstand and waiting in a long line to use the bathroom in peace.
  • On the flight home I took a much needed uninterrupted nap.
  • I loved waltzing off the aircraft without having to wait for the ground crew to bring me our stroller

  • I appreciated the time away, but missed my little travel buddy and look forward to our next adventure together.

I am glad to be home.

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Filed Under: list, me time, travel

Eat Pray Love

Posted on August 16, 2010 Written by Tonya

Can true fulfillment come if a woman leaves her husband to hopscotch around the world tromping on pasta, dudes and eastern meditation? In a word: yes!

I read Eat Pray Love as soon as it came out WAY back in 2006 and like most women, I gobbled it up and devoured every page. I identified with Elizabeth Gilbert’s journey and I found her story enlightening, brave and romantic.

I, too was (and still am) a thirty-something year old women, who had been divorced because I felt trapped in a going nowhere marriage and wanted to run off in search of myself and wondered if I could ever forgive and be open to love again someday. Gilbert shares her experiences so vividly and had me nodding along the whole entire way.

Whether her publisher paid her to travel to Italy, India and Indonesia and write about her journey or not, I still loved this book and gave several copies to friends as gifts because I knew they’d love it too.

I haven’t a clue where my own copy of the book disappeared too, but thankfully I did write down some key passages that spoke right to my heart:

My heart skipped a beat and then flat-out tripped over itself and fell on its face. Then my heart stood up, brushed itself off, took a deep breath and announced: “l want a spiritual teacher.” I literally mean that it was my heart who said this, speaking through my mouth. I felt this weird division in myself, and my mind stepped out of my body for a moment, spun around to face me heart in astonishment and silently asked, “You DO?”

…traveling is the great true love of my life. I have always felt, ever since I was sixteen years old and first went to Russia with my saved-up babysitting money, that to travel is worth and cost or sacrifice. I am loyal and constant in my love for travel, as I have not always been loyal and constant in my other loves. I feel about travel the way a happy new mother feels about her impossible colicky, restless newborn baby–I just don’t care what it puts me through. Because I adore it. Because it’s mine. Because it looks exactly like me. It can barf all over me if it wants to – I just don’t care.

Bel far niente – the beauty of doing nothing. The more exquisitely and delightfully you can do nothing, the higher your life’s achievement.

When I get lonely these days, I think: So be lonely, Liz. Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person’s body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings.

The Bhagavad Gita–the ancient Indian Yogic text–says that it is better to live your own destiny imperfectly than to live an imitation of somebody else’s life with perfection.

I felt a glimmer of happiness when I started studying Italian, and when you sense a faint potentiality for happiness after such dark times you must grab onto the ankles of that happiness and not let go until it drags you face-first out of the dirt–this is not selfishness, but obligation. You were given life; it is your duty (and also your entitlement as a human being) to find something beautiful within life, no matter how slight.

Yoga is the effort to experience one’s divinity personally and then to hold on to that experience forever. Yoga is about self-mastery and the dedicated effort to haul your attention away from your endless brooding over the past and your nonstop worrying about the future so that you can seek, instead, a place of eternal presence from which you may regard yourself and the true nature of the world (and yourself) to be revealed to you.

A true soul mate is probably the most important you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it….

Letting go, of course, is a scary enterprise for those of us who believe that the world revolves only because it has a handle on the top of it which we personally turn, and that if we were to drop this handle for even a moment, well–that would be the end of the universe.

Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings.

In the end, though, maybe we must all give up trying to pay back the people in this world who sustain our lives. In the end, maybe it’s wiser to surrender before the miraculous scope of human generosity and to just keep saying thank you, forever and sincerely, for as long as we have voices.

I was greatly anticipating the screen adaptation of Eat Pray Love and when I found out one of my favorite actresses was going to be the lead, I was even more excited.

I saw the movie over the weekend and it did not disappoint. Love her or hate her, Julia Roberts is larger than life and truly shines in the role of Elizabeth Gilbert, and spending a little time with Javier Bardem is always a nice treat too. The scenery is gorgeous, and if nothing else, maybe you’ll leave the theater with daydreams of taking a fantastic voyage to a distance land.

I enjoy reading about people’s self discoveries because it helps me with my own journey. I don’t believe you have to go to around the world to find yourself, for most of us, it’s not even a possibility. For real inner change to occur, I think you just need to be open to it. You have to learn to be still with yourself and be very patient. Transformation can happen at any time and any where.

You can meditate in the comfort of your own home, take a painting class, or learn a new language. Get lost in a good book, movie or bottle of wine. Talk, listen, write, feel, touch, taste and cry. Surround yourself with people and things that make you feel good about yourself and your place in this world. And never take any of this life for granted or too seriously.

I think we are all always transforming and growing into the person we wish to be.

The best is yet to be.

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Filed Under: book review, me time, movie review, quotes, TDA bio

Is This Heaven?

Posted on August 5, 2010 Written by Tonya

If I were so lucky to be placed in time out, and trust me, I deserve one more than anyone I know, it would be at a book store.

Any one will do, but I’d prefer a delicious independent book store, like Warwick’s in La Jolla or Book Soup in Los Angeles. Barnes & Noble or Borders will certainly suffice.

Any amount of time spent in a book store is sure to set me straight, calm me down and breathe new life into my misbehaving cranky self, and if I could spend a few dollars, I’d be an absolute angel upon my return to reality.

Book stores are my heaven on earth.

My head becomes a little lighter and I instantly breathe a lot deeper upon stepping into a book store. It is quiet, safe, peaceful, smells wonderful and it full of one of my favorite things: books.

I love to be surrounded by books.

Books are my friends.

Books are my escape.

Books remind me of my mom and dad and their love of reading and how grateful I am to have it too.

Books make me think, use my imagination and take me to far away places full of interesting characters and complex plots.

Some day I will have a library of my own, but for now I have shelves and shelves and boxes and boxes of books. Some I’ve read and can’t bring myself to part with, some belonged to my father, but most are on my ‘to read’ list. I’m always reading something. Currently it’s Love is a Mix Tape: Love and Loss, One Song at a Time by Rob Sheffield.

Book stores are the perfect place to get lost in. I love wandering from section to section or finding a cozy corner to sit back, relax, soak it all in and read.

I have been a naughty girl, won’t someone PLEASE put me in a time out?!

The best is yet to be.

I wrote this post for Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop – Prompt #2: If you were put in “time out”, where would you want to be placed and why?

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Filed Under: books, mama kat's writer's workshop, me time, pastime

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