memories

The Hole In My Heart

Posted on October 14, 2011 Written by Tonya

October used to mean feeling Fall in the air and spying Halloween merchandise on every aisle at the supermarket and being greeted by big shinny round pumpkins with glowing smiles on my neighbors front porches.

October meant the nights were getting longer and the air a little cooler. Not quite flannel jammies time, but close.

Conversations about how to spend Thanksgiving begin and Christmas shopping lists are started in October.

Now October has a new meaning.

In particular October 15, but the days leading up to it and the days preceding are tough too.

October 15 used to have no significance to me at all, just another day on the calendar.

Now it marks the anniversary of my parents’ death.

Today they have been gone for four years. 1460 days. It’s hard to believe it has been that long.

I dread the anniversary the most; more than their birthdays, more than Christmas, more than Mother’s Day, Father’s Day or their anniversary. The day I was notified my parents had died was the worst day and every October 15, I relive it. And every year I think it’s going to be a little easier, and it’s not.

I’ll never forgot sitting in my friend Suzy’s kitchen two weeks after the memorial service and watching her eyes fill with tears as she talked about her own father’s passing as if it happened the day before. He had died 30 years earlier.

In some ways this was strangely comforting to me; knowing I wasn’t alone in my grieve for a lost loved one and in other ways it made me even sadder than I already was. I realized this wasn’t something I was going to “get over”, I realized that death is as permanent as grieve and I would have to learn to live with this emptiness, the loss and the hole that was now forever in my heart.

I would have to live with the sadness each and every October and all the days in between.

Catalina Island, July 2005

One good thing occurred on October 15, 2008 on the one year anniversary, I told my sister I was six weeks pregnant with Lucas.

Adding To Our Family

Posted on October 5, 2011 Written by Tonya

The last time I owned a pet (other than a fish), I was 13. 32 years ago today (!) my family got a puppy.

The day we brought Licorice home, October 5, 1979.

Part Labrador, part Poodle and way before they were called Labradoodles, Licorice was black with a little patch of white fur on her chest. She was sweetest and smartest dog I’ve ever been around.

Running along the ocean was one of Licorice’s favorite activities and we had to spell the word beach or she would go bonkers.

Despite sleeping at the foot of my bed, to be fair Licorice was my mother’s dog. We had her for six years and when we moved, we gave her to some friends that lived down the street.

My mother and Licorice, circa 1982

It’s time for another dog.

My husband STRONGLY disagrees.

ARGUMENTS FOR GETTING A DOG:

We’ve been wanting to add to our family. A pet would be a perfect addition teaching Lucas responsibility and giving him a wonderful life long playmate.
We have a large backyard with plenty of room for a pooch to roam.
I don’t think a more unconditional love exists than the one between a dog and it’s owner. Even when you’re feeling (and acting) miserable, they still love you.
Lucas really like dogs, although to be honest (much to my chagrin), he seems like more of a cat person. WE WILL NOT BE OWNING A CAT!! EVER.
I love to walk and vow to be in charge of this daily (and nightly) activity.
Extra security… for when my husband travels.
Opportunity to give a dog a second chance by adopting or saving a pound puppy.
Who could resist these precious faces?

Image courtesy of Pinterest. Click image for source.

Image courtesy of Snowesti. Click image for source.

ARGUMENTS AGAINST GETTING A DOG:

Discovering my favorite shoes chewed to smithereens.
We can’t even potty train our son, how would we ever potty train an animal?
No more spontaneous (or the other variety) trips – kenneling is expensive.
Vet care, food, toys, bedding, treats, etc. are also expensive.
Training. Ugh!
Shedding. Sigh.
Poop.
Saying good-bye is inevitable.

Okay, he may have won this argument… for now.

What do you think? Do you own a dog? What love and hate about pet ownership?

This post was written for Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop, 1.) Share a disagreement you’re having with someone and let your readers be the judge!

What You Won’t Remember

Posted on October 4, 2011 Written by Tonya

I made the leap from Blogger to WordPress in early August with a lot of help from Ashley of My Front Porch Swing and have turned to her more times than I care to admit since then with questions and utter freak outs over missing posts and widget help. Ashley, I am grateful to you and appreciate your patience with me. I still have have much to learn about WordPress!

Today, I am pleased to share Ashley’s loving letter to her daughter and I am particularly proud of her for stepping out of her guest posting comfort zone to write such a tender piece for my series.

My darling daughter,

What you won’t remember.

You won’t remember your fight to be here. The surgery when you were only halfway done. The hospitalizations that your sweet, loving brother took in stride. That your daddy worried through but during which stood strong. The terror, fear, and absolute determination to meet you grown and strong. Absolute gratification, relief, and complete joy that filled us all when you arrived – and were, indeed, fine.

You won’t remember your first time at the beach. The gulf’s breeze blew around us, the water just a bit too cold to enjoy. Snuggled deep inside a wrap tied to close to my heart, you were barely aware of your surroundings. You won’t remember the cool sand, the gull’s cries, or the waters lullaby.

You won’t remember your fight with pneumonia. The stark, white walls of the hospital. The compassion in your nurses eyes. You won’t remember me holding onto you so tight they had to pry my fingers just to set you down. You won’t remember the thousand prayers I sent up to those we lost, higher powers above, and anyone else who would listen.

You won’t remember your first steps. The strength, courage, and fearlessness in which you moved along. You won’t remember me sinking to my knees in wonder, delight, and trepidation that you were gaining independence. You won’t remember the tears on my face as I tried to commit every.single.second to memory while grabbing the first camera I could find.

You won’t remember my reluctance to leave you. In the beginning, the time I spent away from you was counted in minutes. The nervousness as I kissed you goodnight, and eventually goodbye when I finally gained the nerve to trust you would be all right. The tears I shed over being away from you and your brother will not register in your memories – but they are sure burned in mine.

You won’t remember the first time you said, “I love you”. When you gazed up into my eyes with such loyalty, affection, and adoration, I learned all over again the meaning of true love. There is no greater love than that of a child, and you won’t remember the thrill of joy and contentment that filled my heart when you spoke those three words.

You won’t remember the moments I thought of your life ahead, of the people you will meet, those you will love, the accomplishments you will achieve. You won’t remember the emotions that struggle to prevent me from completing my thoughts. You will build an abundance of memories and none of them will be lacking in love. You won’t remember the moment I wrote this with such conviction and belief in the amazing woman you are going to become.

Whatever the future brings, there is so, so much you won’t remember.

But even with all you won’t remember, I still hope you never forget.

I love you,
Mommy

The Summer Of ’69

Posted on September 26, 2011 Written by Tonya

Every now and then I have an undeniable and almost desperate need to be with family, members of my parents family that is.

Specifically my father’s family.

I want to talk about my father, ask questions and hear anecdotes about when he was a boy, a young man, how he was as a brother, an uncle and a friend.

I want to remember and hear about him being alive.

Last weekend, my sister and I took Lucas to visit our aunt and uncle (my father’s middle brother). We haven’t seen one another since Lucas was four months old.

Since my father died, seeing my uncle David will always be bittersweet. The resemblance to my father is uncanny and their mannerisms are so similar. I loved witnessing my uncle interact with Lucas. His tone and actions are so much like I imagine my father’s would be had he lived to be a grandparent.

One of the highlights of this trip, aside from being with family, was seeing the church my parents were married in 42 years ago on August 23, 1969.

Luckily, my sister carries this photo with her in her wallet. This awful reproduction was taken with my phone and the photo was just what we needed to confirm the exact side of the church my newlywed parents must have exited through, as there are many!

What dreams did they have have for themselves and their future together at the moment this photo was taken. Were they scared? Confident in their choice of life partners? Nervous about the journey that lie ahead, or simply deliriously happy and in love? I hope it was a combination of all four.

Family history is so important. It not only tells us who we are and where we come from, but it helps us remember when we are sad and it is one of the main reasons that I write, so that Lucas may know his (and me) better.

Family history is preserved through our children.

The Summer That Was

Posted on September 1, 2011 Written by Tonya

If Memorial Day marks the beginning of summer, Labor Day marks the end.

Sigh…

Here are our summer highlights:

We celebrated someone turning two with a bounce house party and someone else (gulp) turning 39 on a Duffy boat. Both parties included cupcakes!

There were toes in the sand, afternoons spent in wet bathing suits and sun screen applied almost daily.

There were trips to the park, sweet treats devoured and rainbows found while sailing on the ocean.

We had fun at the circus, on the water pad at Legoland and met idols at Disneyland.

There was a girls’ weekend in Palm Springs, a blog conference in San Diego and a glorious week in Hawaii.

Lucas started school and we have already proudly covered our refrigerator with adorable art work.

There was a visit to Grandma and Grandpa’s house and a mini roller coaster ride with fearless cousins.

It was a great summer, full of milestones and memories.

Wishing everyone a happy and safe Labor Day weekend!

Hand Me Downs

Posted on August 16, 2011 Written by Tonya

“Lucas, what would you like for lunch?”

“Mac ‘n’ cheese, please!”

“Okay, do you want to pick out a bowl?”

My mother attended West Texas State University in Canyon, Texas. Her best friend and roommate was named Brenda. My mother remarked more than once that Brenda’s sole purpose for attending college was to find a husband.

It was a different time in the early sixties.

My mother told me how Brenda would never go anywhere without full make-up on because as she would say, you just never know.

This drove my mother crazy.

I believe my mother had aspirations of working for the United Nations as a French translator. As it turned out she ended up getting married in college too.

Brenda actually went on at least one date with my father before my mother started dating him. She said that she knew from the moment she met him, that he was the man she’d marry. I love that.

I met Brenda on several occasions and she was lovely. She did marry while in college. Twice that I know of. She had three children. Her eldest was two years older than me, a boy. I got all of his hand me downs.

This meant I wore a lot of blue and red. I didn’t know the difference and my parents were struggling to make ends meet so they were grateful for the clothes.

My childhood room was decorated in blue and red as well and I had a lot of Raggedy Ann and Andy dolls.

Back in the 70’s, cartoon/television characters weren’t plastered all over everything like they are today, so the bowl and cup set I had with Raggedy Ann and Andy’s likeness were special, as were the Mickey Mouse spoon and fork.

My mother didn’t make a point of giving these to me, I simply found them one day in our kitchen long after I had outgrown them and decided to keep them. At the time, I wasn’t sure why.

Now I do.

I don’t have any of my old clothes that I wore as a toddler and certainly none of the hand me downs from Brenda’s son. I do have a few well loved, stuffing-coming-out-of-their-heads stuffed animals and baby dolls with terrible haircuts and an old Barbie case filled with Barbies and accessories, but none of that would I share with Lucas, so I’m happy I saved these dishes and can hand them down to him.

Hearing “I want the Raggedy Ann and Andy bowl, Mommy.” is music to my ears.

At Ease

Posted on August 15, 2011 Written by Tonya

We held hands the entire drive home from the therapist’s office.

Relief.

A decision had been reached.

The words spoken out loud.

Later would come the tears. And questions.

So many questions.

Some people offer disconcerting looks, you know the one that says, “oh, I’m sorry, I brought it up.” and then quickly ask if I got married too young, like that’s a suitable excuse.

“No, we were 27 and 30 respectively,” I answer matter-of-factly and in my mind think: old enough to have been around the block a couple of times, but young enough to still believe that love conquers all.

A lot of people don’t even bat an eye and a few are shocked as hell at the discovery.

I was married before I met Lucas’ father.

Over 50% of all marriages in the U.S. end in divorce. I am not proud to be a part of this group. I know it shamed my parents, especially my father. I apologized to him over and over again.

My ex-husband and I met in college, dated for three years, broke up for six months, reunited, were engaged for a year and married for almost three years. No one did anything wrong in our marriage, but neither of us happy. We shared some good times, great laughs and I don’t regret a single moment I spent with him, but somehow I knew our marriage wouldn’t last.

No one gets married to get divorced, but sometimes love doesn’t conquer all. It’s native to think it does. I know this now. Sometimes priorities are warped, you lose sight of yourself in spite of yourself and over time realize the person you thought you fell in love with is someone else entirely. People change. It’s as simple and as complicated as that.

I knew something was missing.

It was me.

I was missing from my own marriage!

From the moment I said, “I do,” my true authentic self began disappearing. It was slow at first and then like a whirlwind. I became this odd matronly figure that wore clothes that were a size too big and I started buying trivets and cookie jars. I was trying to be the “perfect” wife, knowing full well that no such thing existed. The more I lost myself, the sadder I became. Then I focused on trying to make myself believe that I was okay with being content.

Content.

I hate that word.

All the sacrifices and compromises weren’t worth it and in then end, I was only compromising myself.

We spent several months in mid 2002 trying to figure out what to do and if our marriage was salvageable. We sought marriage counseling and finally after many sessions and sleepless nights decided to go our separate ways. It was, to date the hardest decision I have ever been faced with.

My ex-husband is a good guy; charismatic and ambitious. He has a wonderful family and had an all-American upbringing. We wanted different things and in an effort to be true to ourselves had to say goodbye to one another.

I haven’t seen him since early 2008. He attended my parents memorial service, which was both unexpected and sweet. We’re Facebook friends (I think?) and we exchange yearly holiday cards and the occasional e-mail. He is remarried and has children and I hope more than anything is happy.

Anything but content.

I’ll never forget that drive home that hot August night.

As sad as I was, I was at ease.

This post is for Write On Edge’s weekly writing assignment RemembRED. This week’s prompt was: Write about a moment in your life when you knew something had to change drastically. Maybe it was a relationship, or career, parenting, school, diet – anything.

Aloha!

Posted on August 8, 2011 Written by Tonya

I’m back from vacation, home from BlogHer ’11, my mind is reeling and my heart is full. Oh, and I have a brand new blog design!

Over the next few days, I’ll be working with my amazing design and WordPress team (Kristi and Ashley and anyone else willing to help me!!) to work through the bugs and improve navigation, so please bear with me. I am so excited to be on WordPress, but know that it is going to take some time to learn a new platform.

Before I share my BlogHer ’11 experience, I want to share some highlights from our trip to Hawaii.

Our time in Maui was a lot of fun, but to be honest, a week is a long time to be away from home. Particularly with a toddler. Lucas did great on the flights there and back, but by Day 4 was starting to get ornery and talking about all of his favorite things back home, including his favorite babysitter. Gulp!

Here’s my high/low list, starting with the good stuff first!

The whole reason for our trip was to attend our friends Aaron and Paige’s wedding and it was absolutely beautiful! Two of only 40 guests, it was truly a pleasure to witness. On the beach. At sunset. Sigh…
Paige is a friend of Todd’s from college, so I got the opportunity to meet/make some new friends.
The bluest blues, greenest greens and warmest sunshine.

The view from our hotel room. Sigh!

Todd and I went snorkeling, one of our favorite things to do and saw beautiful fish and a turtle and then back in our hotel room, a large group of dolphins swimming right outside our window.

Yes, I am a huge dork!

The bride and groom arranged for a morning yoga class on the beach that was amazing and reminded me how much I miss practicing.

Beach Yoga Bliss.

After much hesitation, I finally jumped off this cliff! I have never felt so old in my life, not to mention terrified.

Black Rock at Sheraton Maui.

Now for the not so great:

Even though we ordered a crib for our room, Lucas at 34″ would have nothing to do with it. He’s been in a “big boy bed” for four months, so I couldn’t blame him. On the other hand, he had to sleep somewhere and that ended up being right between Mommy and Daddy. None of us were used to this and therefore none of us slept very well the entire trip. Think arms in your face and swift kicks to your back.
We lost Lucas’ lovey somewhere between checking into our hotel and getting settled into our room. Luckily after searching everywhere and calling lost and found, it was recovered. NOTE TO SELF: Next trip, pack two, just in case!
A fire alarm woke us on our first night scaring Lucas half to death. I have never seen him so frightened. He was shaking and holding on to me tighter than anyone ever has and it took him a long time to get back to sleep. Lucas brought up the loud noise the rest of the trip. Poor buddy.
While on a boat ride and taking a self-roid family photo, Todd accidentally dropped his iPhone into the Pacific Ocean. He barely skipped a beat, where as if that had happened to me, I would have been crying like a baby! It’s situations like this that reinforce what a good match we are.
And speaking of photos, on Day 4 of our trip we discovered that 80+ photos had vanished from our camera. I’m still sick over this. I did my best to make up for it over the course of the rest of our trip, only to find out that all of the new photos disappeared too. Ugh!

The good outweighed the bad and for that I am grateful.

Directly from Hawaii I headed to San Diego for BlogHer ’11. I’m still in the process of decompressing, unpacking, reconnecting with my family and laundry, but promise to share my thoughts on one of the best weekends ever soon!

Project Smile – June

Posted on June 30, 2011 Written by Tonya

Proof that my June was magical.

While celebrating Lucas’ second birthday, my 39th and Father’s Day, welcoming three cichlids into our family and breaking in a new pair of sneakers, enjoying a fun overnight in Palm Springs with my girlfriends, I was gently reminded by my sweet son on a walk around our neighborhood how important it is to stop and smell the roses every once in a while.

I’m also proud to share that we got Lucas completely off of bottles in June.

It was a great month!

To see what had me smiling in May, click here and to link up and share your own month of joy, please visit Kristi of Live and Love out Loud.

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Right On Ludington

Posted on March 7, 2011 Written by Tonya

I don’t know why I did it.

I wouldn’t normally consider myself a stalker.

Yet, I found myself drawn to the mid-sized maroon Saturn for several blocks.

The young woman driving the car was crying.

Sobbing, in fact.

At stop lights she would wipe her eyes, blow her nose and wail. It was a sunny day and both of our driver-side windows were down and I could feel her pain.

She was oblivious to anyone around her. Why is it when we are in our cars we believe we are alone and safe from the outside world?

I continued to follow her.

I was intrigued.

What would make her weep like that and where was she going?

Did she just lose her job? A loved one? Was she mourning the loss of a relationship? Did she find out she was pregnant or maybe not any more? Perhaps she had received medical results of another kind and the prognosis was grim? Maybe it was as simple as a poignant song that came on the radio and weeks of tension were finally being released as she quietly sang along. Whatever it was, my heart went out to her.

Why?

Because I’ve been that woman.

When the Saturn turned right on Ludington Street, I kept going straight giving her the space she deserved.

This post is for The Red Dress Club’s writing assignment, RemembeRED. This week’s prompt was to imagine you are meeting someone for the first time. You want to tell them about yourself. Instead of reciting a laundry list of what you do or where you’re from, describe a scene from your life that best illustrates your true self.

The Hole In My Heart

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