Letters For Lucas

Wonders, Mishaps, Blunders and Joy.. commentary on my life as a mom in the form of letters to my son

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Lesson Plans

Posted on August 17, 2011 Written by Tonya

My son has already taught me so much in his short 26 months on earth; lessons I didn’t even realize I had learned until after the fact, some I desperately needed to learn and many I’m still struggling to embrace. I know my teacher has only just begun and there is much more wisdom to be gained, but in 26 months, here’s what I’ve learned so far:  

  1. Play, dance, sing, run, eat – essentially, do everything with abandon! 
  2. Find pleasure in the small things. There is wonder all around us, whether it’s an ant moving along the sidewalk, a water fountain, an orange tree, a song I’ve heard a hundred times or literally stopping to smell the roses. 
  3. Playtime and imagination are necessary for survival. Laundry, dishes and errands can wait, being silly cannot.
  4. Love. As boundless as I think my love for Lucas is, it grows each and every day surprising and touching me in ways I never thought possible.
  5. Roll with the punches, go with the flow and realize that plans change. Toddler time is different that real time and that’s okay. I’m learning to plan accordingly.
  6. Laugh more. Some words and sounds (typically of the bodily function variety) are funny.
  7. Patience is most definitely a virtue. This is one of those teachings I struggle with. Daily!
  8. Connection is key. Sitting down and communicating with others helps to see things from a different perspective and lets you know they care.
  9. Time flies when you’re having fun. Toddlers are only toddlers for a short period of time and every single moment should be appreciated.
  10. Every now and then, a time-out is in order. Breaks are good. Counting to 10, breathing deeply and full bodied Cabernets aren’t bad either!

What is your child teaching you?

 This post was written for Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop,
Prompt 4.) 10 Lessons your child could teach you.

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Filed Under: challenges, inspiration, list, love, mama kat's writer's workshop, motherhood, play, praise, silly, simple joys Tagged With: challenges, inspiration, list, love, mama kat's writer's workshop, motherhood, play, praise, silly, simple joys

Be Still My Heart

Posted on August 10, 2011 Written by Tonya

With his fingers firmly pressed into the back of my arm, Todd urged me to move toward the exit. “Say goodbye and let’s go,” he said forcefully.

He was right.

“Bye, Lucas. Mommy loves you and I’ll be back to get you very soon.”

“Bye, Mommy,” was all I got in return as he scurried around the playground.

Don’t linger, I kept repeating in my head all morning. Don’t make it hard on him. Wait until you get back to the car to cry.

And cry I did.

For him.

For us.

But mostly, for me.

My little boy is in school!

I kept my phone close to me on vibrate and with the ringer turned up to the maximum volume for the three hours we were apart, fully expecting a call from the school begging me to come pick up my son because he missed me so much.

Alas, the phone didn’t ring.

Not once.

When I arrived 15 minutes before I was due, I saw my little boy sitting contently in the lap of the teacher’s aid. Feelings of guilt, relief, surprise and happiness washed over me.

He was fine.

He did it!

We both did.

We made through Day 1.

As soon as he saw me, his eyes lit up like a Christmas tree and he rushed over to me, careful not to step on any of the napping bodies that covered the floor. And then all I felt was grateful. Grateful that I was able to bring him home and not have to keep him there the rest of the day like so many other working mothers have to. What a sight for sore eyes.

I know I kissed and hugged him a little more than usual that day, so proud of him. So full of love.

I missed Day 2 because I was at BlogHer, but I heard Lucas did equally as well.

This week has been a bit harder and there have been some tears, requests for Mommy and his lovey, which his teacher says is normal for week 2. Today he asked if he could take his lovey tomorrow “…to have in his cubby”, just in case. I think that can be arranged.

We are all getting used to a new schedule, time apart and having a student in the house. One thing I won’t have any trouble getting used to are the art projects my little buddy hands me with so much pride in his eyes.

Ah, be still my heart:

Lucas' first piece of school artwork.

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Filed Under: a mother's guilt, love, lovey, praise, school, simple joys Tagged With: a mother's guilt, love, lovey, priase, school, simple joys

Tackling Disneyland On My Own

Posted on July 1, 2011 Written by Tonya

If you had told me a year ago, heck, yesterday that I would take Lucas to Disneyland by myself someday, I would have told you, you were absolutely nuts.

But, I did it!

I even braved the crowds on a day before a holiday weekend.

Now, who’s nuts?

What can I say? I’m glutton for punishment.

Actually, it was housekeeper day and I needed a big outing to keep us out of the house for a few hours.

Lucas did great and despite the nearly 90 degree heat and I did pretty great too, if I do say so myself. 
We were on the tram and heading for the park at 9:30, where upon arrival, went straight to “It’s a Small World”, which Lucas claims to be his “favorite” ride now. It’ll be a few days before I get that @#$% song out of my head…

We hung out with Mickey & friends in Toon Town for nearly an hour, otherwise known as spent time stalking Goofy and then enjoyed a nice lunch together in Tomorrow Land, that only set us back  $14.00 – shocker!

We watched the Disneyland Marching Band perform, strolled through Critter Country and met Winnie the Pooh, Tigger and Eeyore, rode the “Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh” for the first time (which is perfect for toddlers, by the way), toured the entire park on the Disneyland Railroad (a given with a “choo choo” lover in tow) and were back in the comfort of our air conditioned car just in time for nap time. 

I was very apprehensive about tackling Disneyland on my own; couldn’t fathom juggling Lucas, stroller, bag, long lines, heat and not to mention, my patience level, but every time I seem to worry like this, Lucas ends up pleasantly surprising me.

There were no melt downs, he kept his hat on, ate everything I put in front of him and got in the stroller when asked. It was the perfect outing! 

And bonus… he’s out for a while and my house is sparkling clean. 🙂
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Filed Under: disneyland, outing, photos, praise

It’s The Little Things

Posted on May 11, 2011 Written by Tonya

I used to keep a gratitude journal and then I stopped for some reason.

It’s good to stop and reflect.

I should start that again.

I’ve been thinking a lot about gratitude lately and all the things in my life that make me happy and bring me such joy.

My son, husband, sister, friendships and iPhone certainly top the list, but it’s not always about the big things, the people in our lives; it’s the little things too. And there are countless little things that make my heart smile.

My in-laws sent me a book called Good Things Great and Small for Mother’s Day and the timing couldn’t be more perfect. It is full of lists of everyday seemingly mundane things to be thankful for.

It has inspired me to come up with my own list:

Highlighters, pulling up and seeing the front porch light on, a gentle breeze that lifts bubbles into the air that light up a child’s eyes, the flip side of my pillow, going days without wearing an ounce of make-up, a public restroom just when I need it most, hearing birds chirp and airplanes flying overhead simultaneously, being able to jump on the treadmill at 10:00 at night if I want to, fresh squeezed orange juice, a full tank of gas and endless possibilities.

I know I bitch and complain a lot, but my life is so very full and I am blessed. Amidst all the chaos, frustration, sorrow and trying times, I have a lot to be thankful for.

What about you, what are you grateful for?

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Filed Under: books, family, holidays, list, praise, question

A Fine Mess

Posted on May 2, 2011 Written by Tonya

I didn’t come undone.

I was in shock for sure and completely devastated, but I didn’t lose my shit.

I couldn’t.

I couldn’t come unglued.

I had a younger sister to consider.

I had a younger sister that had just lost her parents and if I thought I was too young at 35 to be going through this, she was definitely too young at 23.

Not to mention, there was so much to be done.

So many decisions that needed to be made right away. There were phone calls to make, e-mails to send, notes to take, questions to ask, the repatriation of their bodies, a funeral home to select, urns to chose, a service to prepare for, documents, signatures, lawyers, and then ultimately, homes to clear out and an estate to settle.

I didn’t make any of tough decisions alone. Thankfully, I had my husband and my sister by my side, but it still felt like I was the one in charge.

My emotions could wait.

I thought I could delay my grieving process just a little longer.

Of course, I was wrong, so….

Four days after the memorial service, I returned to work in search of normalcy. Almost a year later I quit my job and discovered a new normal all together.

In the year that followed my parents deaths, I exercised like a maniac, which made me feel stronger physically. It also created endorphins that made me feel better mentally. Today, I’m an endorphin junkie!

I talk about my loss with anyone that will listen in a honest and open way.

I seek help in the form of a grief counselor or a glass of wine at the end of a particularly rough day, but have never turned to antidepressants.

I work through and with my sadness.

I cry.

I go through photos and momentos and remember.

I write.

A lot.

I could have curled up in a little ball and shut the world out, I could have let this tragic loss break me, but I made a conscious decision not to. It hurt like hell, but I chose to put one foot in front of the other and just keep living.

Some may say I’ve pushed my grief aside in an effort to avoid it or that I have compartmentalized it; placing it neatly on a shelf to address at another time, but I assure you I DEAL with it every day. It’s always there.

It is definitely a long and arduous process but I have learned that I am stronger than I ever thought I could be and I am very proud of the way I have navigated through such uncharted territories, especially considering I became a mother right smack dab in the middle of it all.

This post is for The Red Dress Club’s writing assignment, RemebeRED. This week’s prompt was: Tell the story (without any trivialization or modesty) of something in your life that you are proud of.

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Filed Under: KRA, loss, MSA, praise, remembeRED, TDA bio Tagged With: KRA, MSA, praise, remembeRED, TDA bio

I Wonder…

Posted on April 19, 2011 Written by Tonya

I wonder what kind of teenager Lucas will be?

Will he be a loner with his head in a book or hold an office on the Student Council?

Will he be the captain of the football team or sit on the sidelines and cheer on his friends?

I wonder if he’ll wait until the last minute to complete his home work assignments or turn reports in early?

I wonder if he’ll play an instrument in the school band or land the leading role in the annual production of Romeo and Juliet?

What will he major in once he gets to college, if he goes to college?

I wonder if he’ll want to join a fraternity or avoid the Greek system all together?

Will he be a nail bitter, volunteer at a homeless shelter, want to get a tattoo?

Will he complete his college education after four years, or decide to go for a PhD.?

As an adult, will he be an early riser or enjoy sleeping in?

Will he bounce from job to job or be loyal to the first company that hires him?

I wonder how many hands he’ll hold, doors he’ll hold open, chairs he’ll pull out and girls he’ll kiss?

I wonder if he’ll bike, run, or practice yoga?

Will he’ll like spending time at the beach, or if the sand will only annoy him?

Will he be a black coffee drinker or enjoy something fancier, like a caramel macchiato?

I wonder if he’ll be comfortable traveling and fill his passport before he’s 30 or prefer staying close to home?

Will he be a people pleaser or stand his ground and always be ready for a debate?

I wonder if he’ll ever know how much he’s loved.

I wonder…

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Filed Under: love, praise

His & Hers

Posted on February 28, 2011 Written by Tonya

I gather the trash,
He takes it out.

He cooks,
I clean.

I plan date nights,
He books all our travel.

He watches our stocks, fights with our health insurance company and keeps us on budget.
I do the grocery shopping, pediatrician appointments and play dates.

I buy all the wedding, baby, birthday and Christmas presents,
He makes sure our cars are in working order, washed and full of gas.

I do the laundry,
He deals with the dry cleaning.

He records Top Gear,
I record Oprah.

He waters the lawn,
I buy fresh flowers.

I vacuum,
He dusts.

He handles all things electronic or that need assembly.
I buy Lucas’ clothing, books and toys.

He gets up with Lucas at the crack of dawn so that
I can sleep in.

He works six days a week so that
I can push Lucas on swings at the park, visit monkeys at the zoo, listen to story time at the library and ride on carousels.

I am lucky.
He is lucky.

We both raise our son.

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Filed Under: cooking, date night, family, life, marriage, money, oprah, outing, parenthood, parenting, praise

I Love It When…

Posted on December 21, 2010 Written by Tonya

I love it when Lucas is sitting on my lap for a story or next to me on the couch watching TV and his body goes limp and melts into mine. I love feeling him let his weight go. After a while, the rhythm of our breath is in time with each others.

He’s a toddler on the go, so these are fleeting moments that don’t last very long, but we are learning how to relax together.

I love when Lucas runs up to me with a big sparkling smile, arms open wide and gives me a hug. He is starting to be very affectionate, especially when he’s done something naughty. It must be his way of apologizing?

He’s a toddler but somehow already understands the power of touch and importance of affection.

I love overhearing Lucas try to sing along with me, the radio or television. He doesn’t yet know the words to any songs, but he tries his best and often gets the inflection spot on.

He’s a toddler and is already experimenting with his voice and musical abilities.

I love it when Lucas is playing with his “choo choos”, cars or stuffed animals and makes sweet sounds, dances as goes along and creates pathways that not only go all over the house, but up and down my arms and legs too.

He’s a toddler but is using his imagination to expand his world.

He’s a toddler and he is growing up right before my eyes.

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Filed Under: love, milestones, praise, warm fuzzy

Green With Envy

Posted on November 15, 2010 Written by Tonya

I’m dying.

My sister is on her way to Chicago to be an audience member on the Oprah Winfrey Show!!

Her roommate, Gina contacted the show and submitted a piece on the person she most admires and was selected to be on the show. I’m not sure if she’ll actually be on the show, but she was invited to be in the audience because it’s a topic that Oprah is covering on Tuesday, November 16.

Gina’s inspiration is her grandfather Lou, a World War II Army Veteran and the reason behind her Pin-Ups For Vets calendar project. The nostalgic 1940’s pin-up style calendars feature Gina and are sold to raise money for hospitalized Veterans, personally hand delivered by Gina to VA hospitals across the country and also sent overseas to our deployed troops.

Pin-Ups For Vets is a noble and worthwhile cause and Gina is fantastic at what she does.

Since moving to Los Angeles in January, my unemployed sister has been able to help Gina with her plight and because Gina’s dear grandfather has passed away, she generously invited Leah to accompany her to Chi-town.

Now you know why I’m dying!

What I wouldn’t give to be in Oprah’s audience… especially this year, her last season of the show. And, for the record, I’m also a bit miffed that Leah doesn’t even like Oprah. You read that right and I know what you’re thinking, “Who doesn’t like Oprah?!?!”. Nobody!

I have been a HUGE fan for 25 years and Leah has always given me @#$% for worshiping her, recording her show daily and subscribing to her magazine.

I’ve never been to a Oprah Winfrey Show taping, but have had the pleasure of hearing Ms. Winfrey speak twice and saw her every year at BookExpo when I worked for a book publisher.

So there!

While I may be a green-eyed monster, I do sincerely hope Gina’s project is featured on the show.

Have fun, girls. Oh, and if this turns out to be the “Favorite Things” episode, in which O shares (gives) products with her audience that she feels are noteworthy or that would make a great holiday gift, I fully expect first dibs on any and all swag you bring home. I would love an iPad. I’m just sayin’. 🙂

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Filed Under: aunt leah, friends, oprah, praise, TV, war

16 Months

Posted on October 26, 2010 Written by Tonya

Lucas will be 17 months old next week and I just realized I completely missed recording his 16 month milestones. Oops!

Lucas is becoming very VERY communicative and demonstrative and the boy has no fear.

He motors up and down the stairs on his feet, with the help of the handrail, scribbles with a crayon with abandon, has roughly 40 words in his vocabulary, of which “no”, “yes-y”, “choo choo” and “let’s go” are his favorites, he loves taking baths, climbing on furniture, reading books, hanging out at the park, eating apple sauce and is head over heels for this guy:this guy:and this guy, who overnight went from “Da Da” to “Daddy”.I love watching Lucas with his Daddy. Theirs is a very special relationship. My feelings on the other two guys, I’ll save for a later post.

Lucas is retaining so much it’s scary! I blogged about our visit to the pumpkin patch last week, where Lucas saw his first scarecrow and five days later, while we were in the supermarket, he started pointing and yelling “crow, crow, crow” and I looked up to see there was a scarecrow decoration on top of one of the aisles. He had only ever heard me use the word once a dozen times, how did he recall that?

Also, recently I was singing the Do-Re-Mi song from The Sound of Music and Lucas emphatically said “stop”, to which I replied, “oh, you don’t like that song?”, and he responded, “no”. I asked him if there was something in particular that he wanted me to sing instead in complete denial that it could possibly just be my voice. He looked at me sort of puzzled and then said “moon”. I started singing the moon song and he lit up like a Christmas tree. Stinker!

We are working on using sippy cups more, eating on our own without throwing our food on the floor or stabbing ourselves with a fork, independent play and having a regulated nap time. So far so good…. Next up will be the introduction of cow’s milk, more crafts and concentration on letters and colors.

Our little guy is growing up right before our eyes and it’s bittersweet to witness.

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Filed Under: change, elmo, milestones, praise, TBW, TV

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