Letters For Lucas

Wonders, Mishaps, Blunders and Joy.. commentary on my life as a mom in the form of letters to my son

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Keep, Donate, Sell, Or Trash

Posted on June 6, 2013 Written by Tonya

It’s hard to clear the life out of a house.

It goes into Hefty bags and worn out boxes.

Possessions and treasured keepsakes alike become things, just stuff. Or, so you tell yourself.

You will detach and then instantly reattach, second guessing what to do with each and every article.

Personal documents are shredded.

Each piece of clothing is removed from its hanger and you will bury your face in collars and breathe in, just in case a scent still lingers.

Taking a bitter sweet trip down memory lane, photos are studied and divided.

Books containing underlined sentences are set aside with an overwhelming desire to go back read later.

Some things are donated to Salvation Army or Goodwill in hopes that they will find a new home, others are gifted to family and friends with love.

Many items are carefully wrapped in tissue paper and bubble wrap, saved for reasons yet unknown.

Countless trips and decisions will be made.

A storage unit will quickly be filled.

An estate sale will be held.

This house will no longer feel like a home. 

Improvements will begin, slowly at first and then with shear determination… new tile, carpet, paint, appliances.

Before you know it, five years will go by. 

There will be major set backs, a lot of tears and frustration.

There will also be acceptance and peace.

A realtor will eventually be contacted and a “For Sale” sign posted.

An offer will be accepted.

After piles of paperwork, several e-mails and much negotiation, escrow will close.

If you think it’s hard to clear the life out of a house, try two lives.

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This house was once a home. December 1990 – June 2012.

 

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Filed Under: home, KRA, loss, MSA, stuff Tagged With: home, KRA, loss, MSA, stuff

Sentimental Value

Posted on September 7, 2012 Written by Tonya

Sentimental clutter is the adult equivalent of a teddy bear.

– Ellen Madere

I don’t like to shop all that much, I have what I need plus a few extras. My closet isn’t bursting at the seams with articles of clothing I never wear. I’m good about purging. If I haven’t worn an item in two years, it goes to goodwill or the garage sale pile. 

My shoes are kept in boxes and are organized by style and color.

Lucas has a space of his own in our home and so does Charlie, our new puppy. My husband has an entire room to himself, granted it has a treadmill and spin bike in the middle of it, but aside from exercising in there, I steer clear.

The rest of our house is orderly too, everything has a place. There is very minimal clutter laying around, apart from weekly mail, monthly magazines I know I’ll never get to and things for me to file.

And therein lies my problem… my confession of the day. I file everything! I keep things. As far back as I can remember, I have kept tubs and files of stuff. Stupid stuff.

I save ticket (movie, concert and airline) stubs, playbills and maps, restaurant business cards and museum brochures.

I have a hard time getting rid of wedding invitations, birth announcements, thank you cards, letters and birthday greetings.  

I hesitate to throw away any of Lucas’ artwork, so I place each and every page in sheet protectors and keep them all together in big three-ring binders.

I’m reluctant to delete photographs and if you follow me on Instagram, you know I take a butt load of photos! They aren’t quite as well organized as the rest of my stuff, but I keep every singe one.

I struggle almost daily with letting go of junk.

It’s all junk.

I’m not exactly hoarder material, though my husband might disagree, but I definitely have difficulty parting with these sentimental mementos.

Sentimental to no one but me.

It has gotten to the point where it is really starting to bother me and make me mad at myself.

I like to think I’m a rational person, I realize I lived the event and have the memory tucked away in my heart and mind, so what’s my problem?

I doubt Lucas is going to ever care about the things in the overloaded French memo board in his bedroom, things I’ve been keeping on his behalf. Is he? 

It’s not like I sit around with my tubs of scraps of paper and relive my experiences. Even if I had the time, I wouldn’t do that. And yet, I am faced with the challenge of throwing away things I’m not all that attached to.

Any advice, or maybe a confession of your own?

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Filed Under: character, confession, memories, stuff Tagged With: character, confession, memories, stuff

Death

Posted on October 24, 2011 Written by Tonya

People don’t like to discuss death.

In many circles, the topic of death and dying is one of those taboo subjects, right up there with religion and politics, however, when it comes to death, there is no debate. Death is final and it is going to happen to all of us.

Death is the great unknown and thinking about our mortality makes us uncomfortable.

Death presumably can never affect us in a good way.

Death represents loss; loss of a loved one, loss of everything that we know.

Death is equated with fear; fear of losing someone and fear of how it will happen to us when it’s our time.

Death is a mystery and makes us question the unimaginable:

Will I go quickly?

Will I be in pain?

Will I see a white light?

Will I have done and said everything I need to when my time is up?

What kind of legacy am I leaving behind?

Will I go to heaven?

Will I ever see my loved ones again?

Will anyone attend my funeral?

How will I be remembered?

Trust me, death is far more than Elisabeth Kübler- Ross’ Five Stages of Grief.

I am convinced that if we talked about death more, if it wasn’t such an off limits subject, it wouldn’t be so scary or hard to face.

Having lost my parents at such a young age, theirs (60 and 58 respectively) and mine (35) and serving as the executor of their estate, I implore you to think about your wishes after you die and discuss them with your loved ones.

Openly.

Candidly.

Luckily, my parents did have a Will, but it had been created 28 years before they died and there were a lot of blanks and unanswered questions. With the help of many people I trusted, their estate is now closed, but it took the better part of three years.

Imagine my shock when I discovered on my father’s last “To Do” list a line item that read: Update Will. He thought he’d have time to revise it.

I also encourage you to talk to your aging parents and/or grandparents about their Last Will and Testaments in addition to their material possessions.

When my sister and I cleaned out my parents home, we separated the things we wanted from the things to be donated and the things to be sold through an estate sale, and still filled a 4′ x 30′ dumpster to the very top with junk. 16 years of paper mostly. My parents it seems were pack rats.

Death is no fun, but it is inevitable and the sooner we stop tip toeing around it, the better.

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Filed Under: advice, aging, controversial topics, difficult subjects, family, grandparents, grief, KRA, loss, MSA, question, stuff Tagged With: advice, aging, controversial topics, death, difficult subjects, family, grandparents, grief, KRA, loss, MSA, question

Operation: Get Organized 2011

Posted on January 3, 2011 Written by Tonya

Operation: Get Organized 2011 is under way!!

Maybe it’s the freshness of a brand new year or all of Target’s wonderful container displays, or the fact that nothing makes you take a good, long, hard look at all your stuff better than a move, but I seriously need a Peter Walsh intervention.

If you aren’t familiar who Peter Walsh is, he is the brilliant Australian who hosts Clean Sweep on TLC and is regularly featured on Oprah as THE decluttering and organization guy. He’s hard core and I could benefit from his tough love.

I am NOT a hoarder by any means, in fact I am one of the most organized people I know. Everything has it’s place in my kitchen, bathroom, purse, wallet, and car, HOWEVER, I do tend to hold on to things for far too long.

Things that don’t matter, but represent a memory.

Things that mean absolutely nothing to you, but everything to me.

Things that, at the end of the day are nothing but clutter and take up very valuable space.

Things that, in some cases may be hard for me to part with.

Things like: magazine clippings, receipts, hotel room keys, dried flowers, matchbooks, movie, concert and airline ticket stubs, notes and cards from friends and family (and not like meaningful handwritten letters, I’m talking postcards, thank you cards, birth announcements, birthday and wedding invitations), restaurant business cards, notebooks I kept when I was in college and papers and poems I wrote in junior high and high school, books that I have read and re-read and marked up and pictures up to my eyeballs.

All of my mementos are kept neatly in several plastic containers in our garage and every once in a blue moon (hardly ever), I’ll go through them and wonder, why do I keep all this stuff?

This year I vow to go though these containers and purge!

The truth is, I DON’T need this stuff and it’s time to let it go.

We (I) also have a lot of candles, candle holders, vases, picture frames without pictures and other knick knacks of absolutely no significance. They were impulse buys, gifts, or no longer go with my lifestyle or decor. If they’re not being used, these things have got to go too!

Yesterday, my husband took Lucas to a yard sale in our old neighborhood and came home wanting to have a sale of our own. Not a bad idea! What’s the saying, one mans junk is another man’s treasure? I doubt anyone will want my wine cork collection, but the other stuff might be worth something to someone.

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Filed Under: move, operation: get organized, stuff, TDA bio

More On Stuff

Posted on October 24, 2009 Written by Tonya

I love comedian George Carlin, who we unfortunately lost last year to heart failure. After my post yesterday, I remembered he had a hilarious routine around the concept of “stuff”.

Check it out on You Tube.

Carlin’s belief was that we all have a large supply of stuff, possibly too much stuff, but we insist on storing it in smaller and smaller containers of stuff. When our closets become full of too much stuff, we move some of it to drawers. If we need stuff for vacation, we put some of our original stuff in suitcases. We even buy smaller versions of stuff just to have on hand when we leave our big stuff behind on a trip and on and on it goes….

The best is yet to be minus some of the stuff.

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Filed Under: mess, stuff, video

My Stuff Has Stuff

Posted on October 23, 2009 Written by Tonya

I wouldn’t call myself a pack rat necessarily, in fact I hate clutter. Our house is always tidy, but I do have a desk I can barely see the surface of because it is covered with piles of paperwork and our garage has way too many plastic storage containers of God knows what. The bottom line is I have too much stuff!

I keep movie, concert and sporting event ticket stubs, thank you cards, wedding invitations, restaurant business cards and other little mementos. I used to put these things lovingly into scrap books, but then I had big bulky scrap books and no where to store them. Plus, they were a pain-in-the-neck to move. Now, these are keepsakes are stuffed in a drawer. I started collecting Christmas decorations back in high school and I haven’t even put up a tree in over five years. That will change, now that I have a child, but you and I both know I don’t need that much holiday cheer. I have more tank tops, pajamas and pairs of jeans than I will ever wear and more books than I will ever read, but I just keep buying more because I love them.

Now that I have a baby, I have baby stuff and lots of it. My latest stuff dilemma is whether I should get rid of the clothes you have outgrown already or keep them in a – you guessed it, plastic storage bin for our next child? And what if I keep them all and we have a girl? Will be be so lucky to have a third and there’s a 50% chance that she’ll be a girl too.

I have so much stuff that my stuff has stuff! I have always known this, but it became a lot more clear when my parents died and my sister and I had to go through not one, but two of their homes full of their stuff. Initially, it was difficult to decide what to do with all of their belongings. We wanted to make sure that everything was carefully sorted through and that the items neither of us wanted were donated to the appropriate places. During this process, which we are still in the middle of, I realized that their stuff…books, photos, dishes, clothes, wall hangings, school supplies, nick knacks, etc. was just that…stuff and it didn’t define them. It wasn’t who they were, it wasn’t what I would remember or carry in my hearts now that they were gone. After having this epiphany, it made it easier to let go of the inanimate objects and in most cases downright junk! After all, how many water bottles, beach towels, or hammers does one household need anyway?

I know I’m not alone, I think most people in America have too much stuff. We are painfully addicted to buying new stuff and with each new purchase we consume more non-renewable resources, pollute the planet, and create lots of garbage. Why?

Over the years, stuff has gotten a lot cheaper, but our attitudes toward it haven’t changed correspondingly. We overvalue stuff.

The worst kind of stuff is the stuff we own that we consider “too good” to use…our fine china, overpriced perfume, expensive pearls, good linens, Tiffany wine glasses, all the stuff we save for when family comes to visit or special occasions. What are we saving it for? It’s just sitting there collecting dust and it’s all replaceable if broken.

The better question is, how did this affair we all have with stuff get started?

Orion magazine’s excellent article by Jeffrey Kaplan, titled, The Gospel of Consumption, sheds some light on the problem’s history. In the late 1920s, after the war, America had excess manufacturing capacity. We began to invent needs rather than fulfill them. Kaplan writes:

“In a 1927 interview with the magazine Nation’s Business, Secretary of Labor James J. Davis provided some numbers to illustrate a problem that the New York Times called “need saturation.” Davis noted that ‘the textile mills of this country can produce all the cloth needed in six months’ operation each year’ and that 14 percent of the American shoe factories could produce a year’s supply of footwear. The magazine went on to suggest, ‘It may be that the world’s needs ultimately will be produced by three days’ work a week.’

“President Herbert Hoover’s 1929 Committee on Recent Economic Changes observed in glowing terms the results: “By advertising and other promotional devices…a measurable pull on production has been created which releases capital otherwise tied up.” They celebrated the conceptual breakthrough: “Economically we have a boundless field before us; that there are new wants which will make way endlessly for newer wants, as fast as they are satisfied.”

“Our modern predicament is a case in point. By 2005 per capita household spending (in inflation-adjusted dollars) was twelve times what it had been in 1929, while per capita spending for durable goods — the big stuff such as cars and appliances — was thirty-two times higher. And according to reports by the Federal Reserve Bank in 2004 and 2005, over 40 percent of American families spend more than they earn. The average household carries $18,654 in debt, not including home-mortgage debt, and the ratio of household debt to income is at record levels, having roughly doubled over the last two decades. We are quite literally working ourselves into a frenzy just so we can consume all that our machines can produce.”

We know our unsustainable rate of consumption impoverishes the planet; it also does the same to our souls. All the “stuff” we lust after does not tend to make us happier.

“We have impoverished our human communities with a form of materialism that leaves us in relative isolation from family, friends, and neighbors. We simply don’t have time for them. Unlike our great-grandparents who passed the time, we spend it. An outside observer might conclude that we are in the grip of some strange curse, like a modern-day King Midas whose touch turns everything into a product built around a microchip.”

Kaplan reminds us that time is also a non-renewable resource. Perhaps, by conserving time, we’d have time enough to realize what makes us truly happy.

Read the full story in Orion magazine by clicking here.

Call it keeping up with the Joneses, an insatiable need to have the next big thing, the latest and greatest, or simply trying to fill a void, too much stuff, is too much. I believe that it’s the people we surround ourselves with, the meaningful conversations we have them, the places we travel to, our life accomplishments and the books we read that are the elements that make us happy, not all the stuff. I don’t know about you, but it’s time for me to purge.

The best is yet to be.

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Filed Under: mess, stuff

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