challenges

The Yucky Side

Posted on July 30, 2012 Written by Tonya

I don’t like this version of myself…

the one that sets expectations impossibly too high and then wonders why she is disappointed each and every time.

the one that lashes out and fails to communicate because she has her own agenda and refuses to let anyone derail her.

the one that is curt, short and rude for no good reason.

the one that likes to avoid conflict at all costs and will become quiet and withdrawn instead of address what’s on her mind.

the one that shakes out of anger, swears and bitches to others instead of facing the root of the problem.

the one that looses control, feels completely spent, desperate to be understood and in tears with a pounding headache.

the one that runs out of patience before any real work has begun.

the one that lets her inner demons get the best of her, throws willpower and self control out the window and ends up feeling sorry for herself.

the hardheaded, difficult to please version.

the one that is uncertain, weak and anything but sure footed.

the one that over reacts and can have volatile and immature outbursts when things don’t go her way.

I don’t like this version of myself.

Luckily, there are many sides to me.

Mushrooms Were Growing In The Living Room!

Posted on July 26, 2012 Written by Tonya

A brief timeline to bring you up to speed:

October 2007 – my parents die while living and working in Tunis, Tunisia and my sister and I inherit their stateside home.
October 2008 – house is inspected and appraised, it is full of 16 years worth of life and memories.
December 2008 – roof work completed.
March 2009 – estate sale.
September 2009 – entire interior painted.
November 2009 – new cabinets installed in master bathroom.
April 2010 – realtor walks through and provides laundry list of things to “take care of” before we should consider selling.
November 2011 – new appliances purchased.
January 2011 – new plumbing fixtures installed.
February 2012 – new tile installed.
March 2012 – new carpet installed.
July 2012 – flood.

I had no idea what we were going to find we when arrived at the house last Wednesday morning.

All I knew was I had a $5312.97 water bill, the water had been shut off 12 days earlier because a serviceman had seen water rushing out the front door and a water removal company would be meeting us.

I knew it was going to be bad.

I was not prepared for how bad.

A $2 coil that connects the toilet to the wall in the guest bathroom had come undone and did this:

It was stiffing hot, hard to breath and the air felt wet.

Mold was growing on almost every wall.

I had never seen such damage. I walked around in shock for several minutes, not believing my eyes. Mushrooms were growing in the living room!

The water mitigation team went to work fast and have been amazing, explaining every step along the way and dealing with our insurance company too.

Within 24 hours, four feet of all walls in the guest bathroom, guest bedroom, hallway, two closets, foyer, master bathroom, master bedroom, living room and dining room were removed and dozens of fans were set up to begin the drying process.

Adding insult to injury, termites were found once the walls were taken apart, probably there for a long time but in some cases due to having new source of water. Nasty little suckers!

You may be wondering why the water was left on in an empty house and that is an excellent question. We figured with all of our comings and goings and all the different projects it was needed. We were stupid.

Many tears have been shed over the last week mainly due to the frustration, loss and all the time and energy that has been put into the house to get this far, but I’m trying to remain positive and look at the bright side…

Luckily, the house was virtually empty and the items that were still there, were located on the opposite end and saved from damage.

Luckily, the sunken living room saved the rest of the house from damage.

Luckily, there is no foundation problems or damage to the neighbors property.

Luckily, homeowner’s insurance will help pay for a lot of the reconstruction but none of the mold or termite removal.

Luckily, Arizona is the driest place in the country.

Luckily, I have zero emotional connection to this house and am more determined than ever to get rid of it.

It is very difficult to see this house in this state, but it is just that, a house and hasn’t been a home in years.

I Never Knew…

Posted on June 11, 2012 Written by Tonya

…that my sleep patterns would be so completely interrupted.

…that I would wipe your snot with the sleeve of my shirt.

…that there would be stickers on my living room floor for weeks on end.

…that World War III would break out if I offered the “wrong” flavor of juice.

…that I would utter the words, “Don’t lick that”, “Do you have to use the potty?” or, “Maybe” so many times.

…that rainy days would make me want to cry.

…that we would waste so much food!

…that my patience would be tried each and every day in ways I never could imagine.

…that there was so much I didn’t know.

…that there would be crayon marks on our walls, Play-Doh ground into clothing and paint caked to our dining table.

…that jumping in puddles would so fun.

…that there would be so many little toy pieces to misplace, lose all together, step on, or throw over the fence our neighbor’s yard.

…that there would be master negotiation tactics used in my house on an hourly basis. Seriously, show me a man on a ledge of a highrise and I’ll get him down!

…that ice cream, M&M’s and lollipops held so much power.

…that time-outs would be as much for you as they are for me.

…that I would spend half a lunch at a restaurant (with my in laws!!) coaxing you out from underneath the table. Grrr.

…that my heart could be so full.

This photo was taken yesterday. Do not let the innocent look on his face fool you, this little hellion refused to sit at the table, eat or cooperate in any way. Holy embarrassing!

My Son Really Likes Me

Posted on April 17, 2012 Written by Tonya

We recently extended Lucas’ preschool hours from three hours each day, three days per week to six hours each day, three days per week. It has been four days so far with Spring Break in the middle.

Lucas will be three years old in June, he loves going to school, we felt he was ready and we are struggling with nap time at home. It’s bad, people!

Like most children, when Lucas doesn’t nap, he is a nightmare! A long afternoon becomes longer and dinner, bath and bedtime are dreadful. Lots of tears, kicking, screaming, you get the picture.

So, how is Lucas doing with nap time?

Wonderful, he was the first one asleep today!

Really?

And he slept for two hours.

Wow!

While I am pleased that Lucas is sleeping at school and I know at some point all children give up their naps, this conversation with Lucas’ preschool teacher made me insane seeing as we fight for him to rest on the days he doesn’t go to school. He goes so far as to tell me that he won’t nap HOURS before nap time. There is nothing more infuriating than a 2 1/2 year old bossypants.

I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I stick to the school schedule, give fair warning, lay down with him, read him dozens of books, rub his back, sing to him and then end up letting him cry it out, which I absolutely hate, so after about 8 minutes, I give up and we forgo nap. Again.

My husband likes to joke and say Lucas won’t nap for me because he likes me too much.

That just can’t be true.

Any advice?

Please!

From The Mother Of A Precious Preemie

Posted on January 31, 2012 Written by Tonya

My Letters For You guest today is Erin of My Little Miracles. This woman is a true survivor and has a thing or two to say to prematurity in preemies and does it with only the grace and stye that a mother can.

Please welcome Erin!

Dear Prematurity in Babies (in particular MY baby),

You think that you may have won, laughing at me all the way. Bringing my baby, my youngest into the world 8 weeks early. Were you trying to prove something? Did you just want there to be another Virgo in the household? Maybe you knew we had just bought out house 2 weeks prior and were scheduled to move the day after you threw my youngest into the world?

You have done several things in bringing him into the world so early; you have made me fiercely over protective of my baby. I worry about him constantly, he didn’t meet “normal” milestones. He didn’t crawl until almost a year, I had to carry him everywhere until he was 18 months. At 2 he still wasn’t talking. We went through testing for autism followed by speech therapy and countless sleepless nights wondering if I was a good mommy.

You brought him into this world not breathing, you gave him a narrowed airway and to top it all off you threw in a little asthma. Thought that would be fun did you?

Because of you we have spent to many days in the hospital for RSV, more than enough hours in the ER, way to many nights being woke up in the middle of the night by that croupy cough and that struggle for breath that sends us running and we have had our share of breathing treatments, steroids, antibiotics and worry.

But two things you didn’t count on, Me being his mom, and Him being able to stand up to you. Aside from all that you have done to try and strip me of my happiness with him, and drain his spirit for life, you have failed, miserably.

You may get him down and out every now and again, and you may have me up worrying and crying for all that he may be missing out on. A childhood where he sometimes needs to say “I can’t run and play today with the other kids because I have asthma”.

I wanted to let you know a few things you failed to do, you failed to destroy the bond that he and I will always have. You haven’t taken away his ambition and his strive to be everything he was meant to be. And most importantly, despite all the oxygen you have deprived him of, he is the smartest 3.5 year old little boy and only getting smarter!

If that isn’t the biggest flip of the bird from him to you, I don’t know what is!

You really should think next time you bring another baby into the world before they are ready, because they will give you a run for your money!

Have a nice day!

Sincerely,
Erin, mother to a precious preemie.

Gratitude Is Everything

Posted on December 4, 2011 Written by Tonya

I’ll be the first to admit that I spoil my son rotten, but raising an ingrate is a deep seeded fear of mine.

Recently, I have read some beautiful posts: Change of Plans: Children and Gratitude and When Your Child Acts Entitled on jaw dropping moments mothers have had when their children behave ungrateful.

I rarely leave the house without bringing him home a treat of the edible or four-wheeled variety. Anymore it’s the only way I can get him to go to the super market with me. Thank goodness Matchbox cars are only $1.00, but as you and I both know, those dollars add up visit after visit and I’m the one left grumbling about picking up 75 cars throughout the day.

Lucas is no dummy and has grown to expect a “treat” for doing something I’ve asked of him, for keeping it together while I wander through Target, drag him into the bank, Starbucks, dry cleaners, etc.

We put up our Christmas tree on Friday night and I stayed up long after Lucas had gone to bed to decorate it. I wanted him to wake up in the morning and see it in all it’s glory.

This is Lucas’ first Christmas tree and I want having the tree to be special for him, a tradition in the making. I thought it would be fun for him to choose a couple of new ornaments, so off to Target we went with a list of a few other household items we needed.

We had a lot of fun picking out three new ornaments; a penguin, a ‘W’ for our surname and a Lightening McQueen (the boy has a thing for the movie Cars) and then he began badgering me to go down the toy aisle, which I was happy to oblige knowing full well I’d be buying him a car in order to get through the rest of my shopping.

He seemed happy with the bright orange car he selected and promptly ripped it from its packaging, making sure to hand me all the pieces (bar code included so that I could pay for it) and we carried on to get laundry detergent.

Somewhere between greeting cards and electronics, he spotted a Cars car set that he just had to have. I let him hold on to it for a while so that I could finish my shopping and explained to him that I wasn’t going to buy it, he had already gotten a car on this trip and that he had three of the six cars in the set at home. This information prompted a complete and utter melt down.

I then returned the set to it’s place on the shelf and asked him if we could compromise; put back the orange car and get a Cars car that he didn’t have. He liked that idea but when we found one that he wanted, he wanted it and the orange car, which was not part of the deal. Lucas is only two-and-a half, but he gets it. He wanted both and said so repeatedly and also, “buy it for me” at the top of his lungs.

In the past maybe I would have bought it just to shut him up, but I need to break that cycle in order to teach him how to be thankful for the toys he does have and not to expect something new every time we are in a store.

I kept my cool and calmly repeated that this was a hard lesson for us both, that was no way to talk to me and I was sorry but, you don’t always get what you want. Needless to say, screaming and wailing and carrying on in mortifying levels followed while standing in the check out that I almost walked away from my cart and right out of the store. No one needs to hear a tantrum.

As we left, an audacious customer said to me, “Seriously, can you not get your kid under control?” to which I replied, “Go to hell.”

Not my finest moment (or response), but WTF? This was none of her concern and her commentary was not only unnecessary, but rude, out of line and shocking to me.

Once we made it to the car, I called my husband in tears exclaiming that I didn’t want to raise an ungrateful child and I had just been called out/judged by a complete stranger.

As odd as it sounds, in the moment I could not tell what I was most upset about; the perception that I could not control my child’s behavior or the behavior itself.

Of course, I know now, without a doubt that it’s my son’s behavior that was most troubling. God knows Lucas did not need another car, so hopefully he will remember walking out of the store without one.

And that woman means nothing to me but teaching my child gratitude? Means everything.

Do you admittedly spoil your child(ren)? How do teach them about being grateful? What should I have said to that bitch?

40 Days

Posted on November 28, 2011 Written by Tonya

I dread his birthday, our anniversary, Christmas, Father’s Day and every other occasion that requires a gift because my husband is IMPOSSIBLE to shop for. He buys everything he wants and he’s very picky.

There, I said it out loud and for all the world wide web to read.

Trust me, it’s nothing I haven’t already told him over and over and over again in the almost nine years we’ve been together.

Well, Todd is turning 40 on December 29th and I knew I had come up with something extra special, especially since his birthday falls so close to Christmas and he has always thought he’s gotten the short end of the birthday gift stick because of it.

To make this milestone birthday memorable, I decided for the 40 days leading up to his birthday I’d give him a small gift (Starbucks gift card, movie tickets, trivia cards from the year he was born, funny books, his favorite ~~beer~~ treats, lunch delivered to work, etc.) each day.

What was I thinking?! It’s not easy to come up with 40 gifts, but so far we’re on Day 10 and he’s enjoyed every one and I’m having a lot of fun too. Lucas has even gotten in on the action and “reads” the daily cards that hold a clue to what the day’s gift might be: “Dear Daddy, Happy Birthday. I love you.”

I need to finish big, so PLEASE send me any ideas you may have!

Some Days

Posted on November 11, 2011 Written by Tonya

Some days the sadness wins and you just can’t fight it.

Some days the questions outweigh the answers.

Some days there are more tears than smiles.

Some days it would be so much easier to pull the covers way up over your head and stay in bed all day long.

Some days holding on to the past is more comfortable than being in the present or looking forward.

Some days the thought of looking anyone in the eye is too much to bear.

Some days all you feel like doing is curling up with a box of donuts and throwing yourself a pity party.

Some days your spirit is so broken that you can’t remember the last time you laughed.

Some days feel so completely out of control that all you can do is breathe from one moment into the next.

Some days there are not enough distractions and too many memories.

Some days, thankfully, there is this:

Some days are better than others.

If you find yourself in hell, keep going. – Winston Churchill

A Little Goes A Long Way

Posted on November 7, 2011 Written by Tonya

A two-year old has no concept of In just a minute or I’ll be right there.

Making beds, sorting laundry and loading and unloading the dishwasher mean nothing to a toddler.

Mommy and Daddy are talking right now, I’m on the phone and Let me just sit for a minute go in one ear and out the other when you’re in search of a playmate. And the repetitive nature of the request: Mommy come play? is enough to drive one insane.

When you’re a child, you want Mommy and Daddy’s attention NOW! Not five minutes from now, not AFTER you pee, NOW!

Even though you have a child, there are still household chores to be done, sanity keeping activities and basic grooming that are required. Children could care less.

Lately I’ve noticed that when I devote time to Lucas, giving him my 100% undivided attention and really play with him; like get down on the ground and line up cars or build a new train track or color one page in a coloring book while he colors the opposite side, something miraculous happens… happiness emerges along with a fluidity that wasn’t there before.

The real beauty is that it doesn’t even have to be that much time; 20 minutes here, 20 minutes there and the mommy guilt subsides and tasks around the home can still be accomplished, including brushing my teeth.

I have also come to learn that it is mandatory to spend an entire day in jammies and dance and sing in the living room, make a big mess and eat pasta without a fork.

The dishes will always be there. Sigh…

This is my 700th Letters For Lucas post! How did that happen?

Dear Sherri

Posted on October 25, 2011 Written by Tonya

It’s no secret that I adore Sherri and her blog, Old Tweener.

Sherri is the mother I hope to be someday and she writes the way I hope to write someday. Her words are moving and eloquent, pull at my heart strings and make me appreciate every moment I have right now with Lucas. She reminds me that childhood is fleeting and children grow up way too fast.

I am thankful that I can call Sherri a friend and I am so pleased to have her here today with a beautiful letter to herself on the day she became a mother.

May 28, 1994

Dear Sherri,

Today was an amazing day in your life: the day you became a mother for the first time. We haven’t met yet, but we have a lot to talk about.

You see, I am the mother you will be after almost 18 years of parenting.

That baby boy in your arms right now seems so fragile, so helpless, and incredibly needy. Don’t worry; you’ll figure him out pretty quickly. In time, you will get to know him so well that you can almost read his mind.

Until he’s a teenager, anyway.

Once he starts talking, he will rarely stop. In fact, many of your days with him will seem like one very long question. But please listen to him, answer his questions as best you can, and really try to soak up these moments when he’s so chatty and inquisitive.

Even when you want to stock up on earplugs and convince him that the dog is smart enough to answer his science questions.

Because when he moves on to college one day his words will be few. A funny text every few days, maybe a phone call on Sundays; his voice deep and full of joy.

And you will be glad you listened when you did.

Kiss him and hug him; tickle his little feet and hold his chubby little hands. Blow some raspberries on his round little tummy and nibble on his soft baby neck.

Once he’s too old for this you will wish you’d done it more.

When he’s older, hugs will be replaced by high-fives and pats on the back, at least in public.

Those eighteen years will pass in a heartbeat or two.

Today in the hospital, as you hold that sweet little bundle in your arms I realize it’s hard to understand this part. But your job as his mother is to make yourself obsolete. Nurture him, teach him, and love him relentlessly.

But prepare to let him go.

And then do it.

Because when you do send him off to college one day he will be fine on his own. He will be able to solve his own problems; right his wrongs, make decisions, and find his own way.

And he’ll be so ready for it.

You will be fine, too…trust me, I know this for a fact now.

So get back to learning how to be a mother, how to read his cries, and what he needs from you. Be patient because it’s going to take some time.

But it’s going to seem like it took no time at all.

Love,

Sherri

The Yucky Side

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