Letters For Lucas

Wonders, Mishaps, Blunders and Joy.. commentary on my life as a mom in the form of letters to my son

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A Delightful Find

Posted on April 16, 2014 Written by Tonya

My mother was an elementary school teacher which is probably why she was so crafty, but not just crafty, she was creative. Although long before she was a teacher she made things.

She could wrap the most beautiful and unique looking presents with ribbons and bows and freehand draw anything.

I recall a spider ornament made out of pipe cleaners that she designed and mass produced for several school Christmas bazaars. I never got the spider/Christmas connection, but it was a huge hit.

When I was little, my mom handmade a lot of my clothes, all of my Halloween costumes and before you ask, yes, there were several mother/daughter ensembles. She made clothes for my dolls and even Barbies. I can’t even imagine sewing anything that tiny. I would spend hours in fabric stores with her looking through giant books of sewing patterns and fingering cloth for weight, texture and durability. Thirty years ago, patterns were $1.25 or less so I’m sure what was an enjoyable hobby was also a cost effective way to clothe her family.

I remember being fascinated by her sewing basket. It was filled with straight pins, scissors, the regular kind in various sizes and pinking shears, which I loved but was forbidden to touch. There were also needle packets, measuring tape, chalk, seam rippers, thimbles, buttons and spools and spools of colorful thread.

Does anyone sew anymore? Like with a needle and thread or a sewing machine? My grandmother had an entire room in her house devoted to sewing, crocheting, etc. I can barely replace a button and if I craft with Lucas, I have to follow directions provided by someone else. Apparently, I did not inherit the crafty gene and I do not own a sewing box.

My mother also dappled in ceramics, or rather used a mold and painted mugs, (see my past post Ceramic Mugs) knick knacks and because she loved decorating her home like her classroom, holiday items; including these decorative Easter eggs I found in my Easter stash.

I had forgotten all about them.

The eggs are rudimentary but whimsical and fun and I’m thrilled to have them.

eggs

Finding items like these amidst my own, items that were once my mothers, especially things that she made make me maudlin and miss her terribly.

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Filed Under: arts & crafts, holidays, KRA, pastime, TDA bio Tagged With: arts & crafts, holidays, KRA, pastime, TDA bio

I Was Attacked

Posted on October 9, 2013 Written by Tonya

It’s strange how with age, memories of my youth come back to me in waves.

Vivid memories, snippets of conversations I had dozens of years ago and events down to the detail replay in my mind.

Both good and bad memories occupy space in my head.

One memory I’ll never be able to shake is triggered from time to time and although it’s a part of my past and I’d rather keep it there, never to be recalled again, I know writing about it will help. And sadly, I know I’m not the only one that this has happened to.

26 years ago, just before my fifteenth birthday I was attacked by a fellow classmate.

I was living in Banjul, The Gambia in West Africa at the time. My parents worked at the American International school that I was attending. There were fewer than 200 students in the entire K-9 school, it was a very close-knit ex-pat community.

I had invited him and a dozen other friends to my birthday party. We were at a discotheque at a hotel. The song, “Casanova” by Levert was playing when I left the dance floor.

He followed me into the women’s restroom in the lobby of the hotel, stared at me over the stall and then by the time I had tucked in my aqua tank top and zipped up my white pants to vacate, knowing that this scenario was wrong, he pushed me back into my stall and wrapped his hands around my neck causing me to pass out.

He didn’t say a word.

When I came to, my pants were undone and his hands were groping me.

I lost my mind.

I have no idea how long I was out.

I screamed, I yelled, I clawed at him and chased him out of the bathroom and across the lobby.

I picked up a heavy glass ashtray and threw it at him. It shattered on the marble floor.

I was like a rabid dog out for blood.

I was 14. I had never been touched my anyone that way before.

He acted like I was crazy and the hotel staff was bewildered. Security officials eventually stepped in and escorted him off the property. At the time, I didn’t realize that was the least of my concerns. Come Monday, I’d have to see him in school. There were only seven other students in my class so there would be no avoiding him.

The hand marks around my neck turned red and scabbed by the next morning. I told my parents what had happened. I stayed home from school on Monday and cried most of the day. My father, the principal of the school spoke to him and his father, an apology was made, but never to me directly, our desks were moved as far a part from one another as possible and I was never left alone with him again.

I realize what happened to me was attempted rape and had we been in this country, he would have been charged with that.

Prior to the attack, he had repeatedly expressed a romantic interest in me and it was never reciprocated. We were friends. I didn’t ask for this. I wasn’t dressed provocatively (not that I even knew what that meant or was at the time, nor should it matter anyway), I had been drinking, but was by no means drunk. My memories of what took place that night are crystal clear.

A teenage boy took advantage of me and used his power for his sick pleasure and it has stayed with me for life.  


This post was written for Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop, Prompt 3. October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Inspired by Carol, a blog friend hosting a walk in honor of her daughter Shaniel who recently lost her life due to domestic violence.

Domestic violence or any other violence against women should not happen. Ever. Period.

If you or someone you love is being abused, please contact  the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE).

My attack was not by definition considered domestic violence, but violence nevertheless.

I am also linking up with Shell’s Pour Your Heart Out.

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Filed Under: blog hop, confession, difficult subjects, mama kat's writer's workshop, TDA bio Tagged With: blog hop, confession, difficult subjects, mama kat's writer's workshop, TDA bio

Game Night

Posted on August 12, 2013 Written by Tonya

My friend, Alison of Writing, Wishing wrote a post last week for Mamalode called, Can We Just Play? about taking a break from all the screen time and being in the moment and well, playing. It brought back so many memories for me of playing games with my friends, cousins and especially mom and dad.

So many good memories of a simpler time, of real conversation and good old fashion fun.

As far back as I can remember, my parents hosted game nights and until I was old enough to play along, I would watch as the adults strategized, stole from the bank, bartered, became giddy with greed, displayed their fierce competitive streak and in equal measure, their admirable sportsmanship. They often got drunk and silly and always laughed the night away.

Playing games together was so much more than Monopoly, Risk, Trivial Pursuit, Acquire, UNO or 21 (all favorites in my family), it was a time to connect, share, bond and always beat staring at the television. Some of our very best family discussions occurred on game nights.

My mom always had a deck (or four, as 21 required) of cards on her and travel-sized versions of our best-loved games to take along on vacations, a practice I still keep. My husband and I brought Rummikub along with us on our honeymoon.

I have always loved playing board games and cards and I am trying to teach Lucas to love them too. We’ve been playing Go Fish, Crazy 8’s, Memory, High/Low, Candy Land, Connect 4 and Chutes & Ladders since he turned three. As soon as he turned four, I taught him how to play UNO (open-faced for now) and he’s really good at it! Just today, I bought Sorry, which he may be a little young for yet, but he enjoyed learning something new. 

He’s not always a good sport, but after his opponent wins, nothing makes me prouder than hearing Lucas say, “That was a good game, Mommy, do you want to play again?” The answer is always an enthusiastic “Yes!”.

games

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Filed Under: family, memories, play, TDA bio Tagged With: family, memories, play, TDA bio, Writing Wishing

My First Crush

Posted on August 7, 2013 Written by Tonya

His name is Scott Brewer and until recently (like just before I hit Publish on this post) we were Facebook friends. For the record, I never reached out to him in any way, never liked one of his photos or commented on any of his status updates. He didn’t either. I don’t even remember who friended whom.

I also don’t know why I liked him, I certainly never spoke a word to him, but he was oh so dreamy, very all-American looking; tan, blond hair, that would turn green in the summertime from hours spent in the pool, piercing blue eyes and he was never without a baseball cap, which teachers were constantly hounding him to remove.

My best friend at the time, Michelle also had a crush on Scott Brewer. He was never just Scott. Always Scott Brewer.

We were only classmates for two years, if that. Second and third grade.

It wasn’t until five years later when one of my all-time favorite movies came out that I truly understood what a crush was. In the wise words of Jim Baker: “That’s why they call them crushes. If they were easy, they’d call ’em something else.” (Sixteen Candles, 1984).

SIDE NOTE: From his blurry Facebook profile pic, Scott Brewer did not retain his good looks and I find a little satisfaction in that.

There were many, many crushes to follow: Frederic, Tariq, Lorin, Robert, Steven and those were all before I hit high school and my raging hormones really kicked in and I discovered Tiger Beat magazine.


This post was written for Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop Prompt #5: First crush.

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Filed Under: crush, facebook, mama kat's writer's workshop, movies, school, TDA bio Tagged With: crush, facebook, mama kat's writer's workshop, movies, school, TDA bio

Back To Basics

Posted on March 28, 2013 Written by Tonya

From the time I was 17 on, I only saw my parents 3-4 times a year. They worked and lived overseas while I was in boarding school and then college in Arizona. Our time together was precious and never long enough. I believe they made up for the distance, the absence and maybe a sense of abandonment they felt by showering me with material things and checks.

For a while, I liked it.

A lot.

What greedy teenager wouldn’t?

I would pine for something and get it. I will be the first to admit I was spoiled and still have selfish tendencies because of it.

But there came a moment, sometime around my Sophomore year of college that I didn’t like the “gifts” and even began refusing the checks my father would try to hand me with tears in his eyes at the airport upon saying goodbye.

It started to feel like guilt money. I tried to explain my feelings, but they said I was being crazy.

I swore I wouldn’t do this to my children.

Funny how as parents we do that a lot, huh?

In the weeks leading up to our recent move and as we have been settling in, I have overindulged Lucas with more treats and cars and other toys than I care to fess up to. I wanted the transition to be a smooth one for him and I thought the gifts would help. He’s done fantastic. Of course. All he really cares about is that his family; mommy, daddy, puppy and fishy are all together under the same roof.

I have had to bring Lucas along with me to dozens of doctor’s appointments in the last few months and when he waits patiently (WAY more patient than I ever am) by my side, I feel the need to reward him with the toys he asks for. All he really cares about is spending time with mommy.

I learned a long time ago that I cannot take Lucas with me to the supermarket, Target or any other establishment that sells toys because he gets a terrible case of the gimmes and I fall prey each and every time, buying him more crap he doesn’t really need. 

The stuff is not only a waste of money, it’s a poor excuse for my love and praise and he doesn’t need a million toys. I know there’s a I want him to have a better childhood than I did thing going on, but the truth is I had a full and rich childhood and I wanted for nothing. I was blessed.

I need to break this cycle now and get more creative with my affections. I need to learn to say no and not be so weak and cave when he says please, Mommy in that sweet little boy voice I know will soon change.

His dad and I do our best to teach our son about gratitude and being thankful for the things he has but my continuous buying doesn’t help. 

It’s hard when everything is a negotiation with a three year old and you want to give him the world and that’s why I have decided starting Monday, April 1, because Sunday is Easter and I have already made up an Easter basket for Lucas, I am going to go on a one month, no buying strike. No toys, no games, no Matchbox cars, no packages of Micro Drifters, no sweets, no books, no plastic junk. I will post updates here on my progress.

We are going to rediscover toys Lucas already has and spend quality time together playing games and visiting the library and parks and having good old fashioned play dates. We are going to get back to basics and I will be weak no more. Wish me luck!

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Filed Under: challenges, character, confession, discipline, gratitude, love, parenting, praise, TDA bio Tagged With: challenges, character, confession, discipline, gratitude, love, parenting, praise, TDA bio

Name That Kindergartner – Update

Posted on March 10, 2013 Written by Tonya

Update: The winner of the $300 Amazon gift card is Amy Pike. Second and third place go to Renee and Julie.

Here’s my then and now.

then and now

To see the answers for everyone else, look below.

I remember 5 things about kindergarten:

1. Riding the bus and one terrifying time I didn’t get off at my stop. A police escort may have been involved.

2. Stapling my finger with my teacher, Miss Mills’ red stapler.

3. Naps (glorious naps!) on army cots and the puddles of drool my classmates and I would leave behind.

4. Drawing a picture of my family of four, when there were only three of us. There was a parent/teacher conference and many discussion about lying and my desire to have a little sister.

5. The time I told the lunch monitors that I was allergic to bananas, they made me eat one anyway and I threw up all of her and myself. It also happened to be Picture Day.

I also remember tasting Elmer’s glue (c’mon, you know you did it too!), the smell of Crayola crayons and the squishy delight of finger paint. I loved kindergarten, but man, did I have a dreadful haircut!

A bunch of blogger friends and I have been reminiscing about kindergarten and put together something fun for our readers!

We present to you:

Name-That-Kindergartner-Answers

We hope you’ll play along! It’s very simple – just match the picture (with the assigned alphabet) to the blogger whose blog is listed below.

What’s in it for you? You could win an awesome $300 Amazon gift card!!* You can also get to know some of the bloggers listed here, if you don’t already. Plus, you get to  have a laugh at our expenses. Don’t worry, we did. Now, go forth and play!

Enter your answers on this form.

The 23 participating bloggers, in alphabetical order:

Angela of Angela Amman

Angie of Angie Kinghorn

Deborah of Ask Doctor G

Robin of Farewell Stranger

Poppy of Funny or Snot

Leigh Ann of Genie in a Blog

Greta of Gfunkified

Jennifer of Jennifer P. Williams

Tonya of Letters for Lucas

Kiran of Masala Chica

Laura of Mommy Miracles

Natalie of Mommy of a Monster (and Twins)

Brittany of Mommy Words

Jessica of My Time as Mom

Kimberly of Reflections of Now

Tracy of Sellabit Mum

Elaine of The Miss Elaine-ous Life

Sarah of The Sunday Spill

Galit of These Little Waves

Kristin of Two Cannoli

Arnebya of What Now and Why

Kristin of What She Said

Alison of Writing, Wishing

KinderHeader

*Terms and conditions apply:
You must be 18 years or older to enter. This contest is only open to residents of USA and Canada. This contest is open from March 11 – 15, 2013 (closes at 9:00 pm Eastern). Visit the link above, where you will be able to enter your guess for each blogger pictured. (All information will be kept private.) The person to correctly match all the faces with their blog will win a $300 Amazon gift card. The two other closest guesses will each win one $80 Amazon gift card. If more than one person correctly matches all the faces with their blogs, we will randomly pick a winner via random.org. If no one guesses all the faces correctly, the winner will be the person who made the most correct guesses. This is not a sponsored post. Prizes are paid for out of the participating bloggers’ own pockets. You CAN enter more than once! Winners will be announced week of March 18.

“Name That Kindergartner” was inspired by My Blessed Life‘s “Name That DIY Blogger” contest.

A huge thank you to Laura for designing our game pieces, Robin for making this post a lot easier to compile and Alison for being the awesomeness behind DBA!

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Filed Under: blog hop, DBA, memories, Name That Kindergartner, school, TDA bio, update Tagged With: blog hop, DBA, memories, Name That Kindergartner, school, TDA bio, update

Barbie World

Posted on February 13, 2013 Written by Tonya

Earlier this week I wrote about Lucas’ obsession with cars and it got me thinking about my obsessions as a child.

When I was a little girl I used to love playing with Barbies.

My first Barbie was Malibu Skipper (Barbie’s kid sister) and I probably got her for my seventh birthday. It was all downhill from there… I was hooked!

I would spend HOURS making up elaborate story lines for my Barbies based on episodes of Dynasty and Knots Landing. I would fully stage sleep overs, dates, weddings, cat fights and court room dramas.

I would painstakingly handcraft Barbie-sized letters, money, magazines, books and invitations to Barbie and Ken’s elaborate parties.

I’d give each of my Barbie her own unique personality and characteristics, complete with flaws. All important parts of fostering any young girl’s imagination, socialization and development.

My mom and I were always on the hunt for everyday household items that could be used in my Barbie world; toilet paper rolls could be pushed inward and become high chairs for Barbie’s babies, shoe boxes become cars or beds, an empty Morton’s salt container can be transformed into a chair and a jacks box could be used as a suitcase.

At one point I had close to 30 Barbie dolls, including Peaches ‘N Cream Barbie, Loving You Barbie and Day To Night Barbie.

I also had the Barbie 3-story Townhouse with elevator, Sleep ‘n Keep case, which I took everywhere (see below), the camper van, a bubble bath that made real bubbles, Dallas, Barbie’s horse and tons of accessories and clothes. My mother also made a lot of my doll clothes.

Like most of my friends, not quite as Barbie-obsessed as I was, we all lusted after the coveted Barbie Dream House, which for the record, I never got!

My aunt Gail likes to kid me to this day about my relentless begging of her to “play Barbies with me” whenever we visited.

I kept the Sleep ‘N Keep Case and it is filled with all my favorite Barbies, clothes and accessories. I remember my mother telling me how much she wished she had kept her Barbies for me.

Sadly, the case wreaks to high heaven and the dolls hair is matted and the clothes have stiffened and yellowed, but it was fun to show Lucas and relive a very happy part of my childhood until he vehemently asked me to put it all away so that we could go back to parking with his cars. O_o

One of the most common criticisms of Barbie is that she promotes an unrealistic idea of body image for young women, but I also hope that she inspires them. Pretend play is a beautiful thing and Barbie can be and do anything and does it with the utmost grace, not to mention fantastic shoes.     

Hard to believe that Barbie made her debut 54 years ago. In fact, on this day, February 13, in 1959 the first Barbie doll went on sale.

Were you as obsessed with Barbies as I was and if you have a daughter, do they play with them? 

barbiewithwatermark

 

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Filed Under: memories, pastime, TDA bio, toys Tagged With: memories, pastime, TDA bio, toys

Home Movies

Posted on December 28, 2012 Written by Tonya

The year: 1986

The location: Banjul, The Gambia, West Africa

The cast: A family of four: mother (37), father (39), eldest daughter (15), youngest daughter (2).

The scene: Christmas morning, parents wake their daughters and the family is soon gathered around a sparsely decorated tree in the corner of their living room. Holiday music plays in the background.

With a messy head of curls, the littlest daughter squeals with delight upon descending the stairs realizing Santa has visited.

Gifts are distributed and opened. For the teenager with Sun-In bleached hair and nails chewed down to the quick, a necklace, Lady Stetson perfume and a Kodak Disc camera. For the toddler, a remote control puppy that yaps throughout the morning, baby doll clothes, a bright yellow toy camera and a Barbie doll pink starter vanity set.

Biscuits smothered with butter and jam are nibbled, as are Santa’s left over cookies. The familiar sound of a diet Dr. Pepper being cracked open can be heard at one point.

The conversation is faint, but there is laughter and smiles.

A video camera sits across the room on a coffee table and records the entire scene. The quality is fuzzy, but the memory is rich.

I was mesmerized as I watched 43 minutes of one family’s Christmas morning.

My family.

My sister had eight VHS home movies transferred to DVD for me for Christmas this year and the scene described above was one of them. Thank you, Leah for such an incredible and thoughtful gift. I will always treasure these home movies. 

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Filed Under: aunt leah, family, gifts, gratitude, holidays, KRA, memories, MSA, siblings, TDA bio Tagged With: aunt leah, family, gifts, gratitude, holidays, KRA, memories, MSA, siblings, TDA bio

Preserving Family History

Posted on October 3, 2012 Written by Tonya

My father was born and raised in Shamrock, a small town 89 miles east of Amarillo in the Texas Panhandle. In its heyday there were 3,778 people living in the once popular stopover on historical Route 66. With the construction of Interstate-40, the town was bypassed and all but forgotten (think of the movie Cars before Lightening came to town). Today there are fewer than 2000 people living in Shamrock.

Shamrock has become a sad and dismal place with many lawns that have not been tended, partly due to harsh winters and frequent droughts, but mostly, I believe, because the residents have lost some of their spirit. With the loss of tourists, Shamrock is little more than home to one of the biggest St. Patrick’s Day celebrations in the country and the famous U-Drop Inn, which inspired Ramone’s auto paint shop in Cars.

My grandfather, Joseph Marshall Adams, owned and operated Adams Motor Freight for a number of years. It was Shamrock’s sole transfer and storage company. He had four trucks that hauled mostly military goods, arms and equipment to US Air Force Bases in Amarillo and Oklahoma City.

In 1944 my grandfather sold his trucking business and purchased the Douglas Hardware Store. He changed the name to Adams Hardware.

Three years later my father was born.

Leroy Wall was one of the store’s most loyal and trusted employees. He made deliveries, repaired refrigerators, washers, driers, installed windmill parts, pipes, etc. Leroy worked at the hardware store for more than 20 years and remained a close family friend for the remainder of his life.

My grandmother, Ruby McCasland Adams, had worked in the early 1930’s for American Telephone and Telegraph Company as a telephone operator. Although she had helped out at the hardware store, she had little knowledge of many of the important functions until my grandfather’s sudden death in 1953 from a heart attack.

Ruby McCasland Adams and my father, Michael (circa 1950). Does Lucas look like my dad or what?

Ruby, with three young sons at home had little choice other than to assume the full responsibility of running Adams Hardware. Leroy Wall was a huge factor in her ultimate success. Her sons Robert, a senior in high school, and David, an eighth grader, helped after school and during school breaks. My father, Michael, was just six years old when he lost his dad, but helped the family out by sweeping floors and other odd jobs.

My grandmother was told by the owners of Kersh-Griffin, one of the competing hardware stores in Shamrock, that her business would not last a year. Already a pillar of strength, I can only imagine what this comment did for her determination. Needless to say, Adams Hardware outlasted the other three hardware stores by many many years.

When Ruby died in a tragic car accident in August 1979, her oldest son Robert elected to stay local and manage the store. David lived, worked and was raising his family in Dallas and my father was about to embark on one of the biggest adventures of his life; he and my mother had accepted teaching positions in Karachi, Pakistan. I had just turned seven years old and would be in my mother’s second grade class that fall.

The hardware store was built in 1900 and to this day is a sight to behold. The original wood floors are still beautiful and the ceiling is entirely covered in tin tiles, probably worth a small fortune. The cash register, scale and safe, as well as the show cases and fixtures date from the late 1800’s. My sister and I have an etched glass scissors case and are proud to have this small reminder of our family’s early years.

Sadly, Adams Hardware has been closed for the past 15 years, along with many of Shamrocks once thriving businesses. The shelves and storage area still contain unsold merchandise and share the space with my uncle Robert’s  vast Coca Cola memorabilia. Everything sits as if frozen in time, preserving memories, family history and collecting dust.

Adams Hardware store front March, 2009.

This post was written with love (and a little help from my aunt Gail and uncle David) for Lucas, Leah, my father and my hero, Ruby.  

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Filed Under: cars, family, grandparents, MSA, photos, TDA bio Tagged With: cars, family, grandparents, history, MSA, photos, TDA bio

Face-to-face

Posted on May 20, 2012 Written by Tonya

My awesome husband and my oldest and dearest friend, Sophie have been conspiring for months to plan her visit to Southern California for my big 4-0! While she can’t be here in June for my actual birthday, she will be here later this month.

And when I say later this month, I mean in like FIVE days!! I am BEYOND excited!!

Sophie and I met in The Gambia, West Africa in 1985. We became instant best friends and partners in crime (literally and figuratively) and were inseparable for nearly three years. I never had met anyone like her before or since. When we moved in 1988, I was devastated.

I wouldn’t see Sophie again until 2000, but it was as if not a single day had gone by.

Sophie and her husband and two darling daughters, Emma and Noemi live in New Caledonia, off the coast of Australia today and Lucas and I visited them there in the spring of 2010. You can read all about our trip here. Once again, we picked up right where we left off, which I am convinced has to be the mark of a beautiful friendship. We are wives and mothers now and still have a very strong bond even though it is via e-mail, Facebook and Twitter.

Best friends and their children, New Caledonia, May 2010

This will be Sophie’s first visit to the United States and with that comes a lot of pressure! If you had never been to the U.S. before, what “must see” and “must do” items would be on your list?

A planner by nature, I do have all kinds of fun things organized for us to do while she’s here, none of which I can reveal now because Sophie does read my blog, but what I am looking forward to the most is sharing several bottles glasses of wine, sitting in the backyard and talking. Face-to-face.

What a lovely (early) birthday present! I can’t think of a better way to kick off my 40’s.

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Filed Under: birthdays, friends, gratitude, sophie, TBW, TDA bio Tagged With: birthdays, friends, gratitude, sophie, TBW, TDA bio

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