Letters For Lucas

Wonders, Mishaps, Blunders and Joy.. commentary on my life as a mom in the form of letters to my son

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Three Months Old

Posted on September 6, 2009 Written by Tonya

Where did the time go? It seems like just yesterday that we brought you home from the hospital. At three months old, Lucas, you are no longer a newborn. You are now considered an infant; a busy, cooing, gurgling, smiley, curious, happy infant.

The last three months have been the best adventure of my life so far, and I’m looking forward to getting to know you better and learning more about myself as we go. So far having a three month old has taught me:

  • When you gotta go, you gotta go and it doesn’t matter where you are, who gets in the way or how cute the onesie is that gets sacrificed.
  • The walk to our mailbox is lined with beautiful sunlit trees, plants and cobwebs.
  • Our back yard can be one of the most calming places on earth.
  • A smile can be the simplest and quickest way to improve a relationship.
  • There is nothing more comforting than the security of mom’s arms.
  • It doesn’t have to be silent to sleep. A jack hammer pounding on cement or a hotel fire alarm going off at midnight could actually promote sweet dreams.
  • Sometimes you just need to be left alone.
  • A bald head, chubby cheeks and thighs are positively adorable.
  • It is possible to love someone more than you ever thought you could.
  • Sneezes are funny.

    Happy three months, baby!

    The best is yet to be.

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    Filed Under: change, list, milestones

    Superwoman

    Posted on September 4, 2009 Written by Tonya

    Before I got pregnant I used to think no matter how many children I had or how busy my life got, I would make it look effortless. My children and home would always look immaculate, well-groomed and put together. I would always look well-groomed and put together, just like I always had. Why would/should that change just because I had a couple of rug rats?

    Don’t get me wrong, I am not claiming to be perfect, but I foolishly thought even with children, I would never go without a shower, lunch, or brushing my teeth. A trip to the post office on the corner would never be “too much hassle”, my work outs would become more frequent and more intense, I would always have time for my husband, family, friends, my twice-a-month nail appointments, and would continue to finish my book club book way ahead of schedule; I would still send greeting cards to friends for no reason at all and be witty and clever in all adult conversations; our dish washer would never be full and refrigerator always stocked. I mean, after all, how hard could it be to go to the grocery store with a newborn? Essentially I would still have time for everything. I would find time to do it all. I would be Superwoman!

    Ha! Boy, was I in for a very rude awakening! Once you have a child, EVERYTHING CHANGES and your time is no longer your own. No more living selfishly. Priorities change because they have to. Case and point, there have been several days when you went through three or four onesies while I remained in my jammies ALL. DAY. LONG. I’m not proud of this in the least bit, but it is the reality of being a new mom and I am slowly but surely getting my head wrapped around that; I’m coming to terms with the fact that I can’t be Superwoman.

    Now, I tackle only the bare minimum on my “To Do” and what doesn’t get done, doesn’t get done. I am learning how to live with that new reality. If I don’t get to take a shower every day, at least I put on deodorant, I am realizing the value of “date night” through the use of babysitters and I make a point of catching up with friends on the phone during our daily hour long walks. I don’t think I’ve missed any one’s birthday or any other super significant events…yet. I still have 15 thank you cards to send (if you are reading this and you haven’t received one yet, I’m sorry and you will get one…eventually), but I’m doing the best I can, I’m doing it with love and that is everything.

    The best is yet to be.

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    Filed Under: change

    Too Hot To Think

    Posted on September 3, 2009 Written by Tonya

    One of the many things I worried about before you were born is how I would know if you were too hot or too cold. Well, today, I think I got my answer.

    A crackling heat wave has hit our fair state and the last few days have been almost unbearable. Every single window in our house is open, but the air is thick and still and I am sweating like a pig! It’s after 9:00 PM and still 81 in our bedroom.

    Nevertheless, today was one of those days, even though miserable, all you wanted was to be held close and in 97 degree heat with a mommy that hates being hot and sticky, it is not a good combination. We were both irritable and if I had earned a dollar for every time I have said in the last 24 hours, “it’s so hot!”, I’d be a millionaire.

    We went for a great (sweaty) walk in La Jolla before meeting your dad for lunch and felt a little breeze off the ocean, but not much. The most comfortable place to be the few days is in the car with the air conditioner on full blast, but you read yesterday’s entry….

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    Filed Under: weather

    Nine Months And Seven Pounds To Go

    Posted on September 2, 2009 Written by Tonya

    I wish I knew why you hated being in your car seat so much. You are fine sitting in it for a moment or two, but once you (quickly) realize what comes next, you start getting very agitated and that leads to a full blown melt down.

    I can successfully get the straps around your arms, across your chest and up through your legs (could it be possibly be the confinement that you detest so much?) and can even move you into the car, but shortly there after you scream bloody murder for 10-15 minutes and one time 24 minutes! When you finally do surrender and gaze out at the world (freeway) going by, or into the mirror at your handsome self and go with it, you are so worn out that you often fall asleep. Up until this moment of sweet resignation, it is the most excruciating 10-15 minutes of our day.

    Did you know that some babies sleep in their cribs in their car seats they love the restriction and safekeeping so much?

    I have been trying to make the transition from the coziness of my arms to the sheer terror of the torture chamber to the vehicle a smooth one for us both, but apparently you’ve got my number and it’s never pretty.

    Everyone assures me that as soon as you can face forward, you will love riding in the car. Unfortunately, we have nine months and seven pounds to go before we find out if they are right. In the meantime, I am going to keep trying to get you more comfortable with the device and if you haven’t already, get used to me telling you that “we need the car seat, you have to be belted in, we would be beside ourselves if anything ever happened to you and it’s how we get to go places!” because baby, we have lots of places to go!

    By the way, the above photo was not taken while in the car, but the look of “oh no, don’t you dare move me” can still be detected.

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    Filed Under: car seat, milestones, weight Tagged With: car seat, milestones, weight

    Lesson #1: Independence

    Posted on September 1, 2009 Written by Tonya

    You slept in your crib, in your room last night, all night, for the first time!! Needless to say, I spent half the night glued to a fancy 2 x 2 inch LCD video screen, listening to the crackles of air waves (that picked up the baby next door, incidentally) and trying to ignore the sound of your dad growling at me to turn off the bright glow of the monitor.

    You have been sleeping soundly at the foot of our bed in a bassinet since you were born, but it was time to give us both some independence. We are very proud of you and are patting ourselves on the backs too, however, we felt terrible this morning when we woke up to you wailing having apparently both incorporated your crying into our respective dreams, and our fancy video monitor turned off. Oops! Sadly, it won’t be the last time we let you down, but we’ll always be right down the hall from you, buddy.

    The best is yet to be.

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    Filed Under: milestones, parenting

    For My Broken Heart

    Posted on August 31, 2009 Written by Tonya

    The last time I saw my parents alive was the day after my wedding, Sunday, August 5, 2007.

    My sister and I choose to remember them most on October 15, the day we were notified of their passing.

    Sometime between Friday, October 12, 2007 at 8:00 PM and Saturday, October 13, 2007 at 8:00 AM they died of carbon monoxide poisoning.

    They were 61 and 58 respectively…too young to die.

    My parents lived overseas and dedicated their lives to working at American international schools around the globe for 28 years. My father was the principal of a kindergarten through 12th grade school in Tunis, Tunisia and my mother was a third grade teacher. They died in Tunisia.

    For those of you who don’t know, carbon monoxide is odorless, colorless and is the second-leading cause of poisoning deaths in the U.S. Carbon monoxide poisoning claims nearly 500 lives and another 15,000 require emergency room treatment. It can kill you before you know it because you can’t see it, smell it, or taste it. A water heater vent was damaged in my parent’s kitchen and it emitted carbon monoxide into their home killing them.

    It’s hard to be the one left behind to pick up the pieces, ask the unanswerable questions and it’s ridiculous to walk around angry at an inanimate object.

    Most of the time I just feel robbed.

    My parents were anything but done with this life.One week to the day before their bodies were found, they had decided to retire and return to their stateside home in Arizona. They were anxious to see my sister, Leah who had recently graduated from college, start her life and begin building a career, they looked forward to us both having grandchildren (they would have been amazing grandparents and would have completely adored and doted on Lucas and had a long list of things they wanted to do to their home and trips they were excited to take. It’s unfair that they were taken from us too soon. I miss them every single day and ache to hear their voices again.

    I’m mostly sorry that my son will never get to meet them in the physical sense.

    I hope between me, my sister, my husband and others that knew them well, Lucas will know them in a different way.

    Sometimes bad things happen to good people, but I will forever believe that the best is yet to be.

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    Filed Under: carbon monoxide poisoning, difficult subjects, family, grief, KRA, loss, MSA, TDA bio Tagged With: carbon monoxide poisoning, difficult subjects, family, grief, KRA, loss, MSA, TDA bio

    Moms Need Breaks

    Posted on August 31, 2009 Written by Tonya

    It infuriates me when I hear my fellow mommy friends practically begging their husbands, also known as the father of their children, to watch their kids. What is wrong with these dads? Are they afraid of a little parenting? It’s a baby…their baby, and while yes, frustrating at times, they have pretty simple needs….clean diapers, an occasional bottle, a good burp and some good old fashioned interaction. Infants need to spend one-on-one time their fathers and more importantly, moms need breaks!!

    The women that enable this behavior from the men in their lives irk me just as badly. When I hear these couples arguing, I know how fortunate I am that I get the baby-free time I need. In fact, your dad encourages me to get out and spend time with my friends and do things that are just for me. He knows how much time, energy and patience is involved in spending 12 solid hours with you. It’s not like I don’t love it, but being able to jump on the treadmill for an hour, get my nails down, or just walk around a book store without a diaper bag draped over my shoulder means everything to me. A little time a part is very refreshing and very necessary. Brace yourself, I even had a sleep over when you were just six weeks old! It was a guilt-ridden 24 hours for me, but oh so good for my psyche and provided great bonding time for the two of you and the encouragement that I believe made him feel that he could do it on his own.

    Being a new parent and the primary care giver to a newborn is exhausting. I always feel like I have to be “on” when I’m with you…caring for you, comforting you, stimulating you and getting ready for your next feeding, not to mention stocking and restocking supplies and all of the other daily household chores that have to be done. I miss you like crazy when I’m not with you but I know that the time a part only makes me a better Mommy when I get home.

    The best is yet to be.

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    Filed Under: annoyances, dads, me time, TBW Tagged With: annoyances, dads, me time, TBW

    Have Passport, Will Travel

    Posted on August 29, 2009 Written by Tonya

    One of the most interesting things about me is that from ages 7-17, I lived overseas. No, I’m not a military brat, just a brat. 🙂 Actually, my parents worked in American international schools for 28 years. For 10 of those years, I lived with them in Karachi, Pakistan, Banjul, The Gambia, in West Africa and Maracaibo, Venezuela. After I returned to Arizona for my senior year of high school, followed by college, my parents and sister went on to live in Somalia, Mozambique, Myanmar and Tunisia. Needless to say, I have five passports and they are all full of stamps, visas and wonderful, rich memories.

    My parents weren’t adventure seekers by any means, they just loved to travel, experience new cultures and didn’t mind “hardship” posts in third world countries, plus they made a much better living working as educators overseas than they would have in the United States.

    People always want to know which place I enjoyed living in the most and honestly I enjoyed them all equally. Each place was located near the water, which I loved and because I was at such different stages of my adolescence when we would move, it didn’t occur to me that I should have been upset about it. Don’t get me wrong, it was always hard to pick up, say goodbye to friends and move on to the next location, but I knew I would make new friends and therefore welcomed the change. I also learned at an early age the importance of correspondence and how keeping in touch with people would make them feel closer even when they weren’t and to this day, many of the friends I have, I do because of it.

    Our summers were spent in Arizona, (yes, one of the hottest places on earth in June and July, but my parents loved the weather and knew that someday they’d want to retire there, so Arizona it was) where we would rent an apartment and “play house” as my mom would say and did our best to help the U.S. economy by stocking up on all of our favorite stateside treats and taking in as much western culture as possible. We would spend hours in front of the TV, listening to the radio, in cool movie theaters, at the mall and eating junk food. Living where we did, we didn’t have access to the “creature comforts of home” as we called them; things like the brand of deodorant, hair products or face cream we liked to use, current magazines, or the latest style of clothing.

    Not only did we live in exotic places, we also travelled to exotic places every chance we had. Some of the highlights include: Sri Lanka, Hong Kong, Italy, Egypt, and Madagascar. My very favorite excursion was during Christmas, 1990 to Kenya. We went on safari at the Masai Mara National Reserve. Always an animal lover, it was beyond thrilling to come within just mere feet of elephants, giraffes, lions and zebras. This is the trip your dad and I talk about taking you on just as soon as you are old enough.

    With much gratitude to my parents, over the years I have seen so many wonderful things around the globe: the Great Sphinx of Giza in Egypt, the breathtaking Taj Mahal in Agra, golden pagodas in Bangkok, happy wild sunflowers growing along the countryside in the Loire Valley in France, the turquoise blue waters of Morrocoy, Venezuela, and the Garden Route in South Africa. I know how lucky I am to be an American, but I appreciate being exposed to so many different sides of the world and I love knowing that there are still many customs, colors, cultures and cuisines yet for me to discover.

    The travel bug has definitely been embedded in me and luckily your dad has it too, and together we have also taken some great trips. Your first passport just arrived and we are taking you to Italy in November! You are now free to roam about the world, little boy…just take me with you!

    The best is yet to be.

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    Filed Under: KRA, MSA, TDA bio, travel

    Getting To Know You

    Posted on August 28, 2009 Written by Tonya

    While your dad was on a business trip in Monterey, you and I spent our very first night alone together (Monday, August 10, 2009) and I sent him this list of a few things that I had learned about you so far:

    • Lucas is very strong-willed and moody (just like his Mommy). One minute he is happy and smiling and the next screaming his head off because the light is too bright, he wants to be in a different position, or no one is paying attention to him and then as soon as his need is addressed, he is happy again…until the next time.
    • He loves to cuddle, snuggle and bury himself in our chests and arm pits. The more awkward the position, the more comfortable he is.
    • His face lights up whenever he sees me or hears his Daddy’s voice.
    •  He loves light, shadows, the ceiling fan in our bedroom, the plants and trees in our garden and gripping onto our shirts, his “napkins” and blankets.
    • He HATES his car seat and screams bloody murder for the first 10-20 minutes he is in it. Then he’ll pass out and sleep for the rest of the outing.
    • He doesn’t like to have his diaper changed, but doesn’t like being in a dirty diaper so as soon as the changing is done he is all smiles.
    • He loves to eat and can barely go 3 1/2 hours in between feedings.
    • No matter how tight we swaddle him, he finds a way to get his arms free.
    •  For such a little someone who doesn’t do much but lay around, somehow he still manages to get grim under his fingernails. Maybe he’ll be a mechanic?
    •  If he concentrates really hard, he can grab my hand.
    •  His smiles melt my heart.

    I continue to learn something new about you every day, buddy.

    The best is yet to be.

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    Filed Under: change, e-mail, list, TBW Tagged With: change, e-mail, list, TBW

    Thoughts Shared With A Friend

    Posted on August 28, 2009 Written by Tonya

    Here is an excerpt from an e-mail I sent to a friend on Thursday, May 14, 2009 (one month before your due date):

    I can’t believe that I’ll be a mommy a month from now, if not sooner! At my last OB appointment I was told our little guy could make his appearance up to eleven days early (!) based on his size. I am still planning to deliver vaginally and without drugs, so I hope he doesn’t get much bigger!! I’ll be nine months along on Saturday.

    I think I’m ready for this adventure…sort of. His room is finally done and all of his clothes, towels and sheets have been washed, we have taken the classes and have what I am sure is way too much stuff. I mean, for God’s sake, how many onesies do we need? Not to mention spit rags and wash cloths?! It’s crazy. T. will put together his bassinet this weekend, which we plan on having in our room for the first few months, as I will be breast feeding and it will make it easier on me and everything else will hopefully fall into place when and as it should.

    Emotionally, I’m not quite there yet. I like him being inside me where I can protect him 100% and I’m starting to worry about being alone with him and knowing how to meet his needs, once T. goes back to work, my sister has left and so has my dear, sweet, generous friend, S. I don’t know if I have mentioned her to you before, but I have known S. for 10 years and worked with her at two different companies. She has two grown children, four grandchildren and is one of my very best friends. S. has offered to come stay with us for a few days once we bring the baby home and I know she will be a Godsend!! It’s what happens after she leaves that I guess I’m trying to get my head and heart wrapped around….the fact that my world as I know it, is about to change FOREVER and that’s a very scary thought.

    Being pregnant and being this close to delivery makes me miss my own parents and realize on a much deeper level how much they loved me and cared for me and worried about me. I wish they were here. They would have been wonderful grandparents. I am in the process of making a little book for the baby with 5×7 laminated head shots of our immediate family; Grandma and Grandpa A. included. We want our son to know all about them and how much they would have loved him. It’s turning out really well and hopefully will be a treasured item.

    I also have these insane visions of yanking off his arm while trying to dress him or watching him fall on the floor. Ludicrous, I know, but not completely impossible!

    My back has started to ache a lot in the last week and there’s not much I can do to alleviate the pain. Walking helps, so I do that a lot!

    Well, you can clearly tell where my head is at these days….24/7 baby!

    I think it’s interesting (and rather sad) to note that I don’t talk to this “friend” very much anymore. I certainly didn’t get the response from her that I was looking for, not that I thought I would or could, we were and are in totally different places in our lives right now. She is footloose and fancy free, AKA single and looking and I’m a mommy.

    The best is yet to be.

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    Filed Under: change, e-mail, family, loss Tagged With: change, e-mail, family, friends, loss, pregnancy

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