conversations with Lucas

Family Tree

Posted on November 18, 2014 Written by Tonya

Just like I knew they would, my eyes fill with tears as I tell Lucas the photos we are carefully pasting to the page are the last ones taken of my parents. It was my wedding day, seven years ago.

I thought we’d have a couple more years before Lucas had a Family Tree project.

It’s basic, immediate family only, no research required and a few fun questions about our family including, who is the oldest member of our family and who has the longest eyelashes.

I’m worried.

Lucas has been known to tell complete strangers that my parents are dead. Just like that, he’ll blurt out to anyone who’ll listen, “My mom’s parents are dead.” It was shocking the first couple of times but, I expect it now. I’m ready when the cashier at the supermarket looks at me with a blank stare on her face unsure what to say next. “It’s okay.” I say. Of course, it’s anything but okay, but she doesn’t want to hear a sob story and I’m just trying to buy dinner.

Death is a regular topic in our home. I have shared here before the many conversations we have had as a family, the questions my five-year-old so inquisitively asks and the delicate way in which we attempt to ease his precious heart and mind by responding the best way we know how, with the truth.

For us, it is normal. I realize this is not the case in other homes and assume most of his classmates have two sets of living grandparents, maybe more.

Lucas only has one set of grandparents and they are kind and loving and a very big part of our lives. I am grateful for them every day.

I could argue that my parents are a big part of our lives too, as they come up in regular conversation, there are lots of photos of them in our house and many stories and memories to share. But are my parents no longer my children’s grandparents because they are not here physically or because they never had the chance to meet my children? We refer to them as Grandma and Grandpa Adams. In my mind that’s what they are. Right? I don’t have the answers. All I know is, their lives were cut short and were they here, they’d love Lucas and Lola to pieces.

I’m not worried about what Lucas will say when it is his turn to present his family to his class, he’ll no doubt share what details he knows, however, I am concerned about how the other children may respond.

I gave Lucas’s teacher a head’s up and she was grateful and reassured me that no two families are alike and that she would create a sensitive environment for whatever the children what to discuss.

Heaven

Posted on September 17, 2014 Written by Tonya

Always when I’m most exacerbated, it’s 100 degrees outside and I’ve made three trips to and from the car with arms full of necessities, Lola is screaming in her car seat, my phone starts to buzz and we are hitting nothing but red lights already late for karate, when his sweet voice from the backseat asks, “Are your eyes open or closed in heaven?”

Where did that come from? I was just yelling at him to put on his shoes. It’s feel as if at that very moment in time someone out there knows I need perspective. Two someones, my angels, my parents. They are urging me to stop and remember.

I take a deep inhale before I respond, “I don’t know, Lucas. I would think open.”

“Because heaven is whatever you want it to be, right?”, he asks shyly.

“Yes.” I can feel my belly tighten but I’m relieved he remembers this from previous conversations.

“But you’re really still, aren’t you?”

“No, I imagine you can dance and sing and ride your skateboard and eat your favorite desserts and build Lego all day long. You could even learn how to play golf!”

“Really?!”

“Yeah! You get to do whatever you want with anyone who has already died.”

“Like your mom and dad? Could I touch them? I’d like to hug them.”

With tears now running down my face certain of where this was headed, “They would like that very much.”

“So wait, there are stores in heaven?”

Knowing full well that the thought of Lego in heaven would peak his interest. “No, I don’t think so.”

“Then where do the Lego come from?”

“If that is what your idea of heaven is, playing with Lego then they are just there, ready for you. Boxes and boxes of Lego all lined up.”

Now I’m fearful I’ve just sold heaven to my five-year-old.

“What if I need help, you know how sometimes I need help putting them together? Will you and Daddy be there?”

This is getting too deep. And too hard on my heart.

“Lucas, heaven is just an idea. Some people think, I think that if you’re a good person here on earth while you’re alive, when you die you will go to heaven and when you’re there you get to see all of the people that you loved the most who died before you.”

I catch a glimpse of him in the rear view mirror craning his neck to look out the window, “Where is it? Why can’t we go there now? Is it above the clouds and the airplanes? I can’t see it.”

“No, you can’t see it and you don’t want to go until it’s your time.”

“But you’re going to die way after me right?”

“Oh no, I hope not!”

“When are you going to die?”

“Nobody knows when they’re going to die, but I’m going to be here for a very long time so you don’t need to worry about that, okay?”

“How long?”

“I don’t know, but I hope I’ll be here until you are my age.

Shocked that I could pull a number, an age out of thin air, “42? You’re going to die when I’m 42?”

“Lucas, death is very serious. It’s final. When you die, you are no longer here.”

“What would you do if I died?”

“I can’t even bear the thought. I would cry morning, noon and night. I wouldn’t be able to breathe. I would miss you so much.”

“What would you do with my toys?”

“They’d probably stay right where there are for a very long time.”

“You could give them away, Mom. I’d be okay with that.”

I love my son more than words and I sincerely hope I haven’t done irreparable damage to his innocent mind, world or faith with all my talk of a heaven I don’t know exists.

Conversations About Kindergarten

Posted on July 16, 2014 Written by Tonya

It’s already starting.

I can physically feel him slowly pulling away from me, needing me less and less.

I knew it would happen. Not at five, but eventually.

Lucas, what are you looking forward to about your new school?

Making new friends.

Anything else?

Having a new teacher.

Are you feeling nervous at all?

No.

You know it’s a much bigger school then the one you are used to and while the teachers will help you, it’s okay to feel nervous.

I know.

And you can talk to Mommy and Daddy about any feelings you’re having, good or bad. It’s perfectly normal to be nervous when you go someplace you’ve never been before with people you’ve never met before.

I know. At least Katherine and Colby will be there.

True.

Do you think I’ll be able to take the bus?

Um, that might be an option. [Thinking: NOT A CHANCE IN HELL!] You don’t want Mommy to drop you off and pick you up each day?

Yeah, but I also think it would be nice to walk in all by myself.

Audible painful sigh. Can sighs be painful?

Well, why don’t we talk to Daddy and see what he thinks. It’s always good to diffuse/put off/rely on the other parent in times like these, no?

Okay.

To date, this has to be one of the most crushing things I’ve heard come out of my son’s mouth. Crushing and true.

He’s growing up, my little boy.

My five-year-old.

My kindergartner.

He wants to take the bus! Eek!!

Growing up is easy, it’s the letting go that’s hard.

Explaining Homelessness To A Five-Year-Old

Posted on July 1, 2014 Written by Tonya

Wouldn’t it be extraordinary if we could shield our children from the ugliness of the world, protect them from the real bad guys, drugs, poverty, racial insensitivity, discrimination and despair, but we can’t. Try as we might, it exists.

Sometimes it’s standing on the corner of a neighborhood you frequent, staring you right in the eye, daring you to face it is as a parent, forcing you to look at it through your child’s eyes, imploring you to make better choices, to make a difference.

We saw a young woman this past weekend on the corner as we were entering the freeway, she was young, maybe mid-20s. She was holding a sign that said something like: Homeless. Need help – anything you can offer. God bless you.

We kept driving and as we did, Lucas asked what the woman was doing. He wanted to know why she was standing there and wanted to know what her sign said. We explained to her that she had no home and needed help.

You mean she has nowhere to live?

Why doesn’t she just go to the hotel and stay there?

We explained that hotels are expensive and she probably can’t afford to stay there, especially if she’s out on the street asking for money.

Why doesn’t she get a job and then she’ll have money and then she can stay at the hotel and then she won’t be homeless anymore?

We told him that there are many reasons why people are homeless; she may be trying to get a job but she can’t make enough money to stay at a hotel. She probably needs money to just eat.

If she gets a job she’ll have money and then she can eat and stay at the hotel.

We told him there could be many reasons why she can’t find a job, maybe she doesn’t have an education, maybe she’s on a lot of medications (in lieu of getting into what drugs are) that impair her brain so it isn’t working properly. We assured him that it was okay to feel sad for her and her situation.

What will she do when she does get money?

Trying to remain positive, we told him she would most likely get something to eat or find an inexpensive place to stay, like a shelter.

This went back-and-forth a little bit longer and then all of a sudden as if he realized that the concepts we were so delicately trying to explain were too hard for him to comprehend at this young age, he suggested we should talk about something else.

This isn’t the first time this has happened. Lucas is very astute and whether he realizes it or not, in many cases we answer his questions as simplistically as we can and let him dictate where the conversation goes and how it ends.

A day later, out of the blue Lucas asked me if we had money. I said yes, we have enough money to buy the things we need and some extras from time to time and then asked why he was asking. He said that seeing the woman by the freeway had made him sad and that if we have money we should have given her some. I told him that we could have bought her lunch but by giving her money she may not spend it in a way that would help her. This was way over his head. To him, she needed money and she needed a place to stay and money is the way to obtain those things. All that came out of his sweet five-year old mouth was a quiet “oh”.

How do you explain a topic so big and abstract as homelessness to young children?

How do you become part of the solution and not the problem?

How do you tell your child that you can’t hand out money to every person asking for it?

Special

Posted on June 6, 2014 Written by Tonya

When you are a child, birthdays are magical and it’s important to acknowledge that and make them feel out of this world special. That has been my sole goal with my little birthday boy.

We have been preparing all week for Lucas’s birthday. Really, for the last month. From making decisions about what kind of party he wants to the guest list and menu and of course, his wish list. Plus, there’s all the behind the scenes activities like ordering cake toppers and favors from Amazon and praying that everything arrives on time!

He appeared in our bedroom doorway just after 6 o’clock this morning.

I saw the balloons in my room and on the stairs and followed them. There are presents! Can we open them?

We celebrated this morning and left him at preschool with snacks and cookies for his class (the store bought chocked full of preservatives kind, his choice!) and tonight we will go to one of his favorite restaurants for dinner. It’s either going to be Red Robin or The Old Spaghetti Factory. At Red Robin we will play I Spy and at The Old Spaghetti Factory he’ll insist on sitting in the trolley. Either place, he’ll order pasta.

He must have thanked us half a dozen times for the gifts he received this morning. I love that!

Do I sound older? Do I look older? I don’t feel older.

On Sunday there will be a party at a popular bounce house place where Lucas and 25 of his “closest” friends will take over. Pizza and cake (that I have yet to make) will be served.

Family from out of town is coming to visit and there will be more sweets and more presents and hopefully this will be a birthday celebration that Lucas will always remember. And above all, I hope he feels special and so very loved.

We marvel over our five year old!

Thank You’s

Posted on May 2, 2014 Written by Tonya

My latest crush is on Jimmy Fallon (see yesterday’s post for 10 reasons why) and I love his segment on Fridays where he writes thank you notes. He’s essentially mocking the practice by thanking everything from…

Peer pressure, for being totally not cool. Unless my friends think it’s cool, then it’s pretty cool I guess

Jeopardy, for being the most entertaining way to remind me of how stupid I am.

For more, click here.

Here is my own list of thank you’s… some serious, some not so much and none as funny as Fallon.

Thank you to:

Gardeners who turn off their leaf blowers and loud tree trimmers when I walk by pushing Lola in a stroller, but my own, even after talking to him about it still can’t grasp the concept of a sleeping baby.

The litterbug who threw their empty American Spirit cigarette box on the street prompting a lively discussion with my four-year-old not only about the dangers of smoking, the importance of picking up after ourselves but also the relationship between cowboys and Indians.

Drive-thru Starbucks! Seriously, I don’t know if God exists, but if he does, he gave moms the drive-thru.

The man standing at the urinal who completely ignored me when I barged in with my two kids in tow. Oops. I really need to learn to read signs!

The girl at the park who called me “ma’am”. As if my tired bones, dark circles under my eyes, gray roots and flabby postpartum gut haven’t been making me feel old enough. Sigh… For future reference, that salutation is never okay.

The even younger girl at Yogurtland with your ass hanging out of your shorts and your midriff showing, you gave me something to think about when Lola is your age. NOTE TO SELF: Buy all of your daughter’s clothes!! Oh, and two things: yes, you’re hot and no, you are NOT dressed appropriately, not that you were wondering or care! Shame on your father, the man I presume and hope you were with for letting you leave the house dressed like that.

Solar power, you rock! With the 90+ degree days we’ve been having lately, running our AC doesn’t make me tailspin into panic at the thought of our energy bills.

Lola’s bowels that seem to know exactly when we are running late and headed out the door and decide to let loose, if you know what I mean. O_o

What are you “thankful” for?

Room For Two

Posted on April 28, 2014 Written by Tonya

It’s all brand new and very scary when you bring your first born home, so I knew I’d be more confident the second time around. I knew I wouldn’t be plagued with so much worry and anxiety. I knew I’d be a more relaxed parent having been Lucas’s mother for four and a half years prior to Lola’s arrival. What I didn’t know was that being a mother to two would be very different and sometimes very difficult, no matter how far apart in age they are or how much I think Lucas “gets it”.

Before Lola was born I truly agonized over how I would or could love two children equally and so that they would know it and they would feel it. I confided with seasoned mothers and was repeatedly told the same thing… you just will.

They were right.

It started happening gradually while I was still pregnant and then the moment our eyes met for the first time, I was completely head over heels in love with my daughter. It was as though my heart stretched and grew and all of a sudden, like magic, there was equal space for two.

The loving is the easy part… making sure they know is hard.

According to Lucas, I talk to Lola differently. I coo and swoon and my voice gets higher yet softer, perhaps sounding more loving to him than the way I talk to him. He has declared more than once since Lola joined our family that I love her more than him. He has never said this while I am trying to console and meet her newborn needs but rather in a moment when I’m apparently gushing over her.

This breaks my heart.

It would be awesome if I could reassure him that that was a ridiculous notion, that I used to talk to him the same way when he was her age and that often, I still do, but he’s a big boy now, but that explanation doesn’t satisfy his four year old heart and mind. So, I say all that and tell him that he is my #1 boy and she is my #1 girl (thank goodness we have one of each!) and then I stop loving on Lola and turn my full attention to him, hugging and kissing him and calling him sweet names. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t.

He said it again over this past weekend and so in an effort to explain to him how I feel and how I am able to fit everyone in, I drew this heart:

Room for two and then some…

See, I told him, equal space for you and Lola and Daddy and everything and everyone else has their spot too, but they aren’t nearly as important. I think he understood.

For now.

How or what do you do to help your children feel your equal love?

After The Ground Shakes

Posted on March 29, 2014 Written by Tonya

It was shortly after 9 PM when a magnitude 5.1 earthquake centered at La Habra near Los Angeles rolled Southern California Friday night.

My husband was out for the evening, Lola was asleep in her bassinet in our room and I had left Lucas to look at books on his own 45 minutes earlier and knew he had to be asleep. I was enjoying a quiet minute and contemplating taking a shower.

All of a sudden the house started to shake. I panicked for a split second and then made my way to our walk-in closet for some reason. All the clothes on the hangers were swaying. I had never seen anything like that before and it was very creepy. I was nervous because I couldn’t remember what to do in case of an earthquake… Do I stand in a door way, crawl under the bed, what about the kids, why don’t we have an earthquake kit? Ugh, of all the nights for Todd to be out.

The jolt lasted a good 10 seconds.

Which is a long time if you think about it.

I texted Todd and he called me back right away, having been driving he didn’t feel a thing. As I talked to him, I walked down the hall to Lucas’s room.

I found him trembling knees to chest on his bed. What was that, he asked. Trying to remain calm I told him it was an earthquake. He said he thought the dog had been under his bed and then he asked if Lola was okay. How sweet is he? I asked him if he was scared and admitted that I was too. The house isn’t suppose to move like that!

I brought him into my room and turned on the TV (big mistake!!). We were both glued to news coverage for the next half hour, which prompted a lot of questions, especially when it was reported that Disneyland had shut down rides due to the quake. This is standard protocol for the Anaheim theme park, which is less than 10 miles from La Habra. Once the news coverage started to loop, I turned the TV off.

Lucas was then concerned about where daddy was because “it’s better when there are two parents”. He is so right! Todd arrived home safely and we all snuggled in our bed together. Lola soon joined us.

Lucas slept in our room with us but his questions continued until well after 11. He repeated over and over how glad he was that nothing broke or fell in our house with the exception of my shaving cream can in the shower. He kept getting tornadoes like the one in “Wizard of Oz” and earthquakes mixed up. He wanted us to leave lamps on and for the sun to come up because “everything is better in the light”. We tried to assure him that everything was okay and that if he didn’t want to close his eyes, he at least had to rest. Easier said than done when you are four years old and you have just experienced the earth moving for the first time.

I remember my first earthquake. It was in Palm Springs, the summer of 1986. A 5.9 magnitude, so considerably larger than last nights; and pictures did fall off the walls, windows broke and I was petrified. I was 14, 10 years older than my son is now. I’ve experienced several since then but it has been a while and they are always jarring.

Apart from all being a little tired today, the earthquake talk has stalled for now. I have found a couple of helpful You Tube videos to show Lucas if and when it comes up again. Todd and I have the makings of an earthquake/disaster kit and now know without a doubt the proper safety precautions :: DROP! COVER! HOLD ON! :: should it happen again, and living in Southern California, chances are good it will!

Tectonic plate action is confusing for adults, so how do we explain it to children?

Show & Tell

Posted on February 24, 2014 Written by Tonya

After having Lola I couldn’t drive for two weeks and while being chauffeured around was nice, there’s nothing like the freedom of being behind the wheel of your own car.

The first place I drove to was my OB/Gyn’s office for an incision check and then the grocery store, because of course…

The next day I took Lucas to school.

It was a very special day.

Not only was it Valentine’s day, but it would be the first day Lucas could introduce his little sister to his classmates and he was very excited. On the way there Lucas, who is still getting used to the fact that Lola now goes with us everywhere asked if we could bring her in so that he could “show her off”.

Lucas attends a small Montessori school and we know all the staff so everyone knew we had had the baby and was anxious to meet her.

As soon we entered Lucas’s classroom, circle time was already underway and silly me thought I could slip in and slip out without interrupting, but his teacher promptly stopped what she was saying and gestured to me to come to the front of the classroom, where she placed a tiny chair at the feet of 22 eager children and made us that day’s show and tell.

Let me just say kids are awesome, but four and five year olds are particularly cool. They leave no stone unturned and hold nothing back. While Lucas beamed with pride from his spot in the circle, I tried my best to introduce his sister, praise him for being a good big brother and address these curious minds:

“Why is she wrapped in a towel?”

“Where is her hair?”

“Does she have arms and legs?”

“Why is she sleeping?”

“When I grow up, I’m going to have a baby too. Well, my wife is. How do you get a baby.” [I ignored this last part.]

“My baby sister poops a lot, does she poop a lot?”

“When she talks, does she say ‘go go ga ga’?”

Lucas and Lola – Valentine’s Day 2014

Now when Lola and I drop off or pick up Lucas we are kind of old news. Kind of… babies tend to draw a lot of attention no matter where you go.

Countdown

Posted on January 29, 2014 Written by Tonya

For days, I have kept a baby countdown to due date on the chalkboard in our kitchen… Lucas loves seeing the different designs I come up with and talking about whether or not she’ll be on time and how big my belly is getting, how big the baby is getting, guessing when she’ll make her big debut and just exactly how she’ll get her.

I never thought I’d be explaining the vaginal canal to my four-year old. These are interesting and very exciting times, to say the least…

Yesterday he beat me to the chalk:

1 day until baby!

Words cannot express how much I love this boy!

Family Tree

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Heaven

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