love

What You Won’t Remember

Posted on October 4, 2011 Written by Tonya

I made the leap from Blogger to WordPress in early August with a lot of help from Ashley of My Front Porch Swing and have turned to her more times than I care to admit since then with questions and utter freak outs over missing posts and widget help. Ashley, I am grateful to you and appreciate your patience with me. I still have have much to learn about WordPress!

Today, I am pleased to share Ashley’s loving letter to her daughter and I am particularly proud of her for stepping out of her guest posting comfort zone to write such a tender piece for my series.

My darling daughter,

What you won’t remember.

You won’t remember your fight to be here. The surgery when you were only halfway done. The hospitalizations that your sweet, loving brother took in stride. That your daddy worried through but during which stood strong. The terror, fear, and absolute determination to meet you grown and strong. Absolute gratification, relief, and complete joy that filled us all when you arrived – and were, indeed, fine.

You won’t remember your first time at the beach. The gulf’s breeze blew around us, the water just a bit too cold to enjoy. Snuggled deep inside a wrap tied to close to my heart, you were barely aware of your surroundings. You won’t remember the cool sand, the gull’s cries, or the waters lullaby.

You won’t remember your fight with pneumonia. The stark, white walls of the hospital. The compassion in your nurses eyes. You won’t remember me holding onto you so tight they had to pry my fingers just to set you down. You won’t remember the thousand prayers I sent up to those we lost, higher powers above, and anyone else who would listen.

You won’t remember your first steps. The strength, courage, and fearlessness in which you moved along. You won’t remember me sinking to my knees in wonder, delight, and trepidation that you were gaining independence. You won’t remember the tears on my face as I tried to commit every.single.second to memory while grabbing the first camera I could find.

You won’t remember my reluctance to leave you. In the beginning, the time I spent away from you was counted in minutes. The nervousness as I kissed you goodnight, and eventually goodbye when I finally gained the nerve to trust you would be all right. The tears I shed over being away from you and your brother will not register in your memories – but they are sure burned in mine.

You won’t remember the first time you said, “I love you”. When you gazed up into my eyes with such loyalty, affection, and adoration, I learned all over again the meaning of true love. There is no greater love than that of a child, and you won’t remember the thrill of joy and contentment that filled my heart when you spoke those three words.

You won’t remember the moments I thought of your life ahead, of the people you will meet, those you will love, the accomplishments you will achieve. You won’t remember the emotions that struggle to prevent me from completing my thoughts. You will build an abundance of memories and none of them will be lacking in love. You won’t remember the moment I wrote this with such conviction and belief in the amazing woman you are going to become.

Whatever the future brings, there is so, so much you won’t remember.

But even with all you won’t remember, I still hope you never forget.

I love you,
Mommy

The Perfect Playmate

Posted on September 22, 2011 Written by Tonya

Parents of an unruly two year old desperately seek playmate for their son.

Applicants must be easy going, polite, capable of patiently waiting for their turn, can take “no” for an answer and always pick up their toys when asked. Assistance and guidance will be provided as needed.

Interested parties are expected to challenge our son in such a way that he won’t know what hit him by forcing him to share his toys, books, dessert, crayons, photo ops, Christmas mornings, family vacations, doting parents and possibly clothes.

If applicant is male, he must be willing to share a room and wear hand-me-downs (see above), if applicant is female, she should be able to live with pink toile and either way, should be comfortable forever being known as “the baby”.

A cuddler is preferred but not mandatory.

As the “terrible twos” and maybe even threes (God, help us) subside, candidates should be able to look up to their big brother with admiration, respect, jealousy, animosity and love, all in equal measure. I assure you, he will do the same for you, as well as help guide and protect you. Our hope is that the two of you will become and remain the best of friends.

Although we are not picky, please note that we have been waiting a long time to find the perfect playmate for our son, but know the end of our search is drawing near and believe our home and hearts are open and ready for one more; one more little heart and soul to love and care for, one more set of hands to hold and life to share. We promise to love you as much as our first, but please hurry!

This post is was written for Write on Edge’s writing meme, Red Writing Hood. This week’s prompt: Write a 300 word (or less) personal ad. Constructive criticism is welcome.

My Heart

Posted on September 19, 2011 Written by Tonya

We only have one bathtub in our house and it’s in the master bathroom.

After Lucas has a bath, his favorite thing to do is rush out of the bathroom completely naked and dripping wet and jump and “wrestle in bed”, as he calls it with his dad.

The roughhousing turns into a game of struggling to get Lucas’ pajamas on.

It’s good physical fun for Lucas and great bonding time for both of them, so I usually stay away.

They twist and turn and roll all over the big king-sized bed, pillows are tossed on the floor and laughter can be heard throughout the house. It’s one of my favorite times of the day.

Having no fear or concept of how much his propelling onto his dad’s back may hurt, Todd recently tried to explain to Lucas that he is just a person; a body, made up of water, blood, tissue and bones. Overhearing this from the bathroom, I popped out and asked Lucas what he thought was in his body.

His reply without skipping a beat: “my heart”.

I may have cried a little.

Lucas and his friend, Jackson on Saturday night. Isn't the turquoise water so fun? Thanks to Jackson's mommy, we've discovered Sesame Street Fizzy Tub Color Tablets!

Tell Her

Posted on September 18, 2011 Written by Tonya

Tell her it has been far too long since we’ve seen her beautiful face or heard her deep laughter.

Make sure she knows we miss her.

Tell her we hear her; every single tear and every single plea and we wish we could provide the answers she seeks.

Tell her to trust in her heart that we are always by her side, even if she can’t see us and that whenever she feels a cool gentle breeze on a warm day or spots a hummingbird in the most peculiar of places, that is us; whenever the smile on a stranger’s face makes her feel at ease or she hears one of our family’s favorite songs on the radio, that is us too. We are all around quietly guiding and watching her.

Tell her how pleased we are with the woman she is becoming and the direction her life has taken. Assure her that her future is brilliant and that she should hold on to her dreams with fierce determination and with a little luck and a lot of hard work, they will come true.

Tell her there will be more heartache for her, but nothing that she is unable to withstand. Make her believe that she is so much stronger than we ever realized.

Let her her know that in tough times, it is okay to lean on you, Tonya, that though your exterior is tough, you feel as much as she does and will always be there for her. You are sisters and she needs to know how much you love her and that you always have her best interests at heart.

Tell her that your son is… well, there really are no words. Lucas is sublime and the perfect antidote for the sadness you both must feel since we’ve been gone. We are so grateful for his presence. He is wise beyond his years, enjoy him.

We don’t have to tell either of you how short life is or how it can change in an instant, you both know that now, better than anyone. We were not ready to go. Please live each day to it’s fullest and never forget how loved you are.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Knowing it would defy all logic and reason, it’s an interesting concept, so if my parents could reach me, I believe this is what they want me to tell my younger sister, Leah.

Magic

Posted on September 15, 2011 Written by Tonya

Once upon a time, there was a little girl,

who fell in love with a boy.

They got married

and they made a family

filled with love and magic.

Linking up with Shell’s Things I Can’t Say Capturing Those Magic Moments.

Advice To New Mothers

Posted on September 14, 2011 Written by Tonya

I certainly do not claim to be an expert, in fact very far from it, but here are a few things I know for sure about motherhood:

1. No matter how many anti-bacterial products you use or times you wash your hands or your child’s hands throughout the day, children are a cesspool of germs and it won’t just feel like your family is sick all the time, you will be.

2. You will go DAYS, especially in the beginning without sleep, a shower, a hot meal and/or make-up. There may even be days when you barely have a free moment to brush your teeth. This is just a phase and does pass.

3. It’s okay to mourn your old life and the days when it was just you and your husband; the days before diapers, Goodnight Moon, the Elmo theme song running through your head 24/7 and apple sauce stains on your shirt. It wasn’t that long ago and anyone that tells you that they can’t remember their life before their baby, is LYING!

4. I am convinced that no matter how sweet and innocent children seem on the outside, they are deviant and cunning on the inside. They may be new here, but they’ve got your number and know all the right buttons to push. Beware!!

5. Babysitters are worth every single penny because date nights and “me time” are absolutely essential to surviving motherhood. Having large quantities of wine on hand is good also.

6. Children are a lot more expensive than you budgeted for. A lot! They grow like weeds and get bored quickly, so the more comfortable you get with hand-me-down clothes and toys, the better.

7. You will lose the baby weight. It may take six months or three years, but you will and you can IF you put your mind to it.

8. You’ll hear it a million times and eventually repeat it, too: it goes by fast, so let the dishes sit and the laundry wait and enjoy the baby days, the milestones, sweet, tender moments and the magic.

9. Trust your instincts and listen to your gut, you know a lot more than you give yourself credit for.

10. As soon as your newborn enters the world and your eyes meet theirs, you will know true love and joy as you have never known it before. Here’s hoping you can recall that gaze at 3 o’clock in the morning when your tot throws up all over his bed and then yours and then his again. Yep, that was a very long night.

Linking up this week with Stasha’s Monday Listicles, a linky right up my alley! This week’s topic: 10 Tips For New Moms was chosen by Cookies Mom.

This post was originally written for Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop, 5.) Advice to new mothers (September 14, 2011).

Lucas Today

Posted on September 5, 2011 Written by Tonya

Every month I used to share a list of all of Lucas’ milestones, but I haven’t complied one in a while. Every day Lucas shows me another wonderful side to his personality. His likes and dislikes are as complex as yours and mine. He’s amazing.

Here is what I know and appreciate about my son today:

Lucas doesn’t have to be the center of attention. He is much happier being left alone to do his own thing. He’s a true observer, curious and quiet, taking in his surroundings, unless he’s the only child around and then, all bets are off!

Lucas is very loving IF and when the mood strikes him. He enjoys giving “pat-pats”, especially to babies and stuffed animals and nothing melts my heart more than hearing him say, “Mommy, come up here” when he wants to be picked up.

Lucas loves blueberry bagels, blueberry scones, blueberry waffles, blueberry yogurt, blueberry cereal bars and blueberry muffins, but will NOT eat a blueberry.

Lucas loves water in all forms; he lives for bath time, swimming pools, playing with his water table in the back yard, charging fearlessly for the ocean and diving into fountains.

Lucas loves sitting in his “special” chair to watch TV, singing the “ABC’s” no matter where we are, throwing dirt, meticulously removing wrappers from crayons and dancing. You should see his “hotel dance”.

Lucas’ favorite past time I would have say is playing with his Thomas & Friends trains and is ability to identify each one is astounding.

Lucas’ favorite color is yellow, favorite movie is Cars, favorite meal is macaroni and cheese, favorite dessert is M&M’s, favorite book is Where The Wild Things Are and smiles brighter than the sun when he plays with Play-Doh.

Lucas loves older children and if they give him the time of day, he will follow them around like a little lost puppy dog and talk about them for weeks.

Lucas pretty much refuses to pose for the camera and with nearly 6000 photos of him in iPhoto, I suppose I don’t blame him.

Lucas will ask for his lovey first and then “Mommy” if he hurts himself or bonks into something. I’m not happy with this, but I understand.

Lucas will march over to his lime green time out chair when asked. Shocking, I know!

Lucas isn’t a fan of meat. Occasionally we can get him to eat turkey and only recently (as of last week) has he started enjoying hot dogs.

Lucas is afraid of four things:

Finding Nemo Submarine Voyage ride at Disneyland.
A creepy red mask at a Mexican restaurant we used to like to frequent.
Loud fire alarms like the one that went off repeatedly at our hotel in Hawaii on our first night of vacation.
Roller coaster rides.

As you can imagine, this list could go on and on and on, but I’ll ~~spare you~~ keep some things to myself. Lucas appears to be a typical two year old, but he is my two year old.

Two Years Old

Posted on August 27, 2011 Written by Tonya

Letters For Lucas is two years old today!

I can’t believe I’ve been at this for two years.

There have been two redesigns, 682 posts, 12 guest posts, two blog conferences, many communities joined, countless photos shared, lots of self promoting tweets, tons of supportive retweets and some of the greatest friends made.

Over the past two years, I’m proud of how my voice has shone through in my writing and my writing has helped me explore my emotions regarding being a mother, sister, parentless parent and softie at heart.

I love my little space on the Internet. I love my readers and all the connections I have made through blogging, but the real reason I do this, aside from maintaining my sanity, is this precious little boy:

Lucas is the inspiration for every single post I write and I hope someday he enjoys reading Letters For Lucas as much as I enjoy writing it. I hope my words give him greater insight to all of his mother’s complexities and offer us hours of conversation.Here’s to another two years and beyond!

A very special thank you to Morgan for these lovely photos of Lucas. She captured him to a tee; all of his sweet, mischievous, wonderful, curious, M&M and dirt loving magic. Thank you!

Lesson Plans

Posted on August 17, 2011 Written by Tonya

My son has already taught me so much in his short 26 months on earth; lessons I didn’t even realize I had learned until after the fact, some I desperately needed to learn and many I’m still struggling to embrace. I know my teacher has only just begun and there is much more wisdom to be gained, but in 26 months, here’s what I’ve learned so far:

Play, dance, sing, run, eat – essentially, do everything with abandon!
Find pleasure in the small things. There is wonder all around us, whether it’s an ant moving along the sidewalk, a water fountain, an orange tree, a song I’ve heard a hundred times or literally stopping to smell the roses.
Playtime and imagination are necessary for survival. Laundry, dishes and errands can wait, being silly cannot.
Love. As boundless as I think my love for Lucas is, it grows each and every day surprising and touching me in ways I never thought possible.
Roll with the punches, go with the flow and realize that plans change. Toddler time is different that real time and that’s okay. I’m learning to plan accordingly.
Laugh more. Some words and sounds (typically of the bodily function variety) are funny.
Patience is most definitely a virtue. This is one of those teachings I struggle with. Daily!
Connection is key. Sitting down and communicating with others helps to see things from a different perspective and lets you know they care.
Time flies when you’re having fun. Toddlers are only toddlers for a short period of time and every single moment should be appreciated.
Every now and then, a time-out is in order. Breaks are good. Counting to 10, breathing deeply and full bodied Cabernets aren’t bad either!

What is your child teaching you?

This post was written for Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop,

Prompt 4.) 10 Lessons your child could teach you.

Cravings

Posted on August 14, 2011 Written by Tonya

Since I was 17, I’ve lived in a perpetual state of missing someone or something.

Topping my list has always has been my parents.

At 17, I went to boarding school for my senior year of high school and never lived under the same roof as them again. I missed them (and my sister) tremendously, but relished in “being on my own” for the first time.

After high school, there was college and still many miles between me and my family. We would spend time together during the holidays and throughout the summer, but I never had enough time with them.

My parents died in 2007 and I think about them and wish they were here every single day. I doubt that longing will never go away.

I missed school after I graduated. Both high school and college. I enjoyed school. I was good at it, especially the social aspect. Go figure!

Even though she’s only an hour away, I miss my sister.

I miss friends that I wish lived next door, in particular my oldest and dearest, friend Sophie.

Lucas met Sophie in New Caledonia in April, 2010.

Since becoming a mother, my desires are simpler, in no particular order here’s what’s missing from my life these days:

1. Sleep. In particular, sleeping in.

2. Grab and gos. The ability to go anywhere without a huge production, whether that means, packing snacks, diapers, struggling to put on someone’s shoes or booking a sitter. I miss the days of just grabbing my purse and going.

3. Living guilt free. I’ve learned guilt comes with the mom territory in many forms and there is no escape…. am I spending enough time with him, is he watching too much TV, am I exposing him to the right activities for his age, how can I get more vegetables into his diet, etc., etc., etc.?

4. Watching TV. Whatever I want, whenever I want.

5. My own name. All I hear any more is “Mommy!”. And “no!”.

6. Did I mention sleep?

7. The sounds of silence. See #5.

8. Yoga. I am going to get back to a regular practice if it kills me. I joined a yoga studio four months ago and have only taken two classes.

9. Going to the bathroom. Alone.

10. Dinner. Easting at home is rushed, eating out is rushed. I miss long, leisurely dinners that were several courses long and lasted longer than an hour.

This post was inspired by Stasha’s Monday Listicles, a linky right up my alley! This week’s topic is 10 I Miss.

What You Won’t Remember

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