Letters For Lucas

Wonders, Mishaps, Blunders and Joy.. commentary on my life as a mom in the form of letters to my son

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The Wedding

Posted on October 5, 2016 Written by Tonya

August 27, 2016

The Bride.

She looked beautiful without a doubt, perfect Victory Rolls in her hair and pin-up style makeup, but what stood out most was her assuredness. She truly had a confidence about her I have never witnessed before.

She was comfortable. And it set the tone for the day.

Comfortable with being a bride, ready to walk down the aisle and very much ready to be married.

The Dress.

The style of Leah’s dress fit with the decor of the gorgeous venue; a strapless A-line cut to the knee that she added a tulle halter neckline to and was covered in beautiful beads. A midnight blue sash sat snug around her middle. She wore sensible blue suede shoes to match and changed into adorable Mrs. Brungardt flip flops at the end of the night.

The Venue.

Just a few short blocks from the hotel we stayed at, the Oviatt Penthouse is in an Art Deco style high rise designed in the late 1920’s. The building is a Los Angeles treasure. Although a bit musty and dank, taking the wood paneled elevator to the top floor was like stepping back in time. The walls of Mr. James Oviatt, popular haberdasher held secrets and much of the penthouse was off limits. Signs warning, “do not touch” were displayed in several places. The original fixtures were delightful, especially the ones in Mr. Oviatt’s bedroom; his dressing table and antique lamps, the lime green tiled sauna in his bathroom, tiny sinks and other toiletries.

The LA skyline was the star of the evening and much to our surprise it turned out to be a very cool evening, in fact heat lamps had to be brought out by the nights end.

Leah put a lot of work (and Etsy purchasing) into planning a perfect wedding day and small significant details chosen with love were used on the dinner tables; delicate paper flowers made out of old maps were part of the centerpieces, personalized thank you notes were tucked into each guest napkin, small chalk boards described the signature drink, (purple lemonade) and directed people where to go and what to do. Every song played by the DJ had a love theme.

The Bouquet.

Leah painstakingly made her own bouquet after seeing a friends. A round globe about the size of a volleyball covered in trinkets and special items representing her and Aaron’s lives together and mementos of those around her; a penny minted the year our parents were married, a Thomas the train cupcake topper, Lego and many of our elementary school teacher mom’s colorful earrings. I’d like to think the Corona Light bottle cap was a nod to me. It’s a unique piece of art!

The Guests.

Months earlier when lamenting over her guest list, the names on their A and B lists, I gently reminded Leah that everyone that should be present, would be and that a good rule of thumb was if she hadn’t looked someone in the eye in a year or less, she might want to reconsider inviting them. She took my advice in some cases and not in others, which resulted in last minute cancellations and disturbing texts from friends who could not attend.

Undeniably her guests, the ones who did attend, each and every one sang her and Aaron’s praises. Leah is so very loved and has built a network of friends that have become family over the years.

The Sister of the Bride

I had the distinct honor of spending the entire day with Leah, beginning with breakfast, just the two of us and then giving her away a little before 7:00 that evening.

It was over mimosas (and bacon) at Bottega Louie that I shared the toast I would give that night. I was worried about it being too melancholy and knowing it was going to be an emotional day, I wanted her to hear it first, to prepare her in some small way. I had struggled so much to find the right words in the weeks leading up to this monumental occasion.

We cried and laughed and then cried some more. And then ordered another mimosa!

Someday I’ll share the words I read with trepidation, shaking hands and a lump in my throat the night of my sister’s wedding here.

givingawaythebride

Thank you, Tracy for capturing this shot. I adore it! xo

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Filed Under: aunt leah, family, friends, love, memories, milestones, siblings, wedding Tagged With: #LandAwedinLA, aunt leah, family, friends, love, memories, milestones, photos, siblings, wedding

My Second Child

Posted on August 8, 2016 Written by Tonya

It’s true what they say about second children, they totally get the shaft. There’s fewer photos, less fanfare surrounding milestones, they tend to fend for themselves on occasion, enjoy the snot out of all the hand-me-downs and are inadvertently overlooked from time to time.

Take this blog for instance, I started writing Letters For Lucas shortly after Lucas, my first born was two months old. I wanted a place to record his every move and share my, what I thought at the time, were deep and profound thoughts on motherhood.

It was my first time and this was my online diary of what we were both experiencing, a baby book of sorts. Letters For Lucas literally started just as that, letters to my son. It eventually grew in many ways and has sadly now all but been abandoned. I treasure this space and wish I had more time to write. I often think about having the whole thing printed because I don’t want to lose these words, these memories, and I feel guilty not sharing letters, thoughts and wonderful happenings about Lola here.

My second child, my daughter, my precious sweet Lola. The child we longed and waited so patiently for. Lola brings so much joy to our lives and it is hard to believe that she just turned 2 1/2. She is a sassy girl and we love her to pieces.

Lola started preschool this summer. Eek! She goes three mornings a week to the same preschool Lucas attended and loves it and this morning was the first that she blew me kisses and waved goodbye instead of crying and pleading with me to stay.

She started taking ballet classes this summer too and and next to riding her scooter or big brother’s hand-me-down bike, it’s one of her favorite things to do.

Spunky and smart, Lola is the perfect combination of girly and sporty, which I adore. She loves books and playing with Thomas the Tank Engine and his friends, pushing one my old dolls around in a baby stroller and having bumper car remote control car races with Lucas all over our living room.

We are in the process of potty training and soon she will be in a “big girl” bed. Later this month she’ll be a flower girl in my sister’s wedding and you know I can’t wait to share those photos! Now, if I could just find her the perfect flower girl dress.

And will you please take a look at this little nut in goggles?!

lolagoggles

Oh, my heart, my sweet Lola.

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Filed Under: blog, happy thoughts, love, memories, milestones, motherhood, parenthood, photos, siblings, silly, simple joys Tagged With: blog, happy thoughts, love, memories, milestones, motherhood, parenthood, photo, siblings, silly, simple joys

Frozen: Six Options

Posted on August 16, 2015 Written by Tonya

My six-year-old son doesn’t remember hanging out with me for countless hours in our fertility doctor’s waiting room.

Much more patient than I ever was, I might add.

He doesn’t recall the separate, much smaller waiting area for patients who already have children.

He has no memory of the kind nurses, physician’s assistants, lab technicians, doctors or receptionists who knew him by name, gushed over his long eyelashes and offered him lollipops every time he visited.

He doesn’t recollect his father administering the twice daily shots of progesterone in the fleshy part of my hips or the heparin shots I’d give myself in my belly or the handful of pills I would take as we practiced his counting.

I’m grateful that Lucas doesn’t remember our struggle to give him a sibling, but I do. Just like it was yesterday.

And when he wistfully asks when I am going to have another baby, my heart aches and I am taken aback.

There are also times when it is just the two of us and his little sister is being cared for so we can do “big kid stuff” and he’ll announce unabashedly, “I really love Lola but I am so glad she isn’t with us right now”. Once again, my heart aches and I am taken aback.

It is no secret that our daughter, Lola is an IVF baby.

A miracle baby.

But aren’t they all?

After struggling with secondary infertility for over three years; having six miscarriages, countless failed natural cycles, IUIs and one failed IVF, our second attempt at IVF worked!

Of the five eggs retrieved, three fertilized but only two were good after PGD (pre-implantation genetic diagnosis).

A boy and a girl.

The girl became Lola.

The other embryo is still frozen.

Typically two embryos are transferred increasing the odds of conception or attaching to the uterine wall, but in my case, my fertility doctor’s statistics were better with patients with my history and age to only transfer one embryo.

All it takes is one!

Thinking pessimistically, I thought we would fail again and try to use the second one right away, but instead we succeeded!

We were lucky.

And now we have an embryo on ice.

The boy.

It costs roughly $350 per year to store.

We have six options and please trust that this is a deeply personal decision, a moral and ethical decision and there is so much more to each and every one of these options than what I have shared here. It is weighting heavily on  my mind and heart and so I write about it. Because that is what works for me.

I’m also not looking for advice or a solution.

It will come to us, my husband and I.

In time.

Throughout this process, I realize that the further away from my fertility struggle I get, it is still there, front and center, ready for access.

Six Options:

1. Transfer. It works and we go from a family of four to a family of five. Of course, I just turned 43 and my husband is already 43 and our family feels perfect just the way it is. This option also involves a heavy dose of fertility medications and doctors visits throughout the pregnancy. Due to my age, I’m already considered high-risk and given my struggles in the past, I will see a perinatologist beginning at 12 weeks, if not sooner. A very small price to pay for an addition to our family, but must be considered nonetheless. Can my body go through all that again? I still have bruises from my pregnancy with Lola, who is a year and a half! Are we naive to think everything will work out as well? And let’s say we make it full term, what would our family of five look like? What if this third child needed additional care of one sort or the other? So many questions.

2. Transfer. It doesn’t work and we grieve the loss and move on the best way we can.

3. Donate. We know the fertility struggle all too well and would love to help a couple or family have a child or another child. Sounds simple enough and completely altruistic, but dealing with the fact that our “son” is out there somewhere could be more than we can bear.

4. Put the embryo up for adoption. Yes, you really can do this, but again see above. Plus, I doubt either of us could ever accept payment for our embryo.

5. Discard. At this moment in time, time option is out of the question. I simply do not have the heart or strength for this. And I probably never will.

6. Store. Continue paying storage fees until the end of time.

Option 6 it is.

For now.

We have decided to table our decision for six months.

According to the National Embryo Donation Center, an estimated 600,000 unused embryos are currently frozen in clinics throughout the country. 

Last year, doctors at IVF clinics performed more than 165,000 treatments — more than ever before.

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Filed Under: a mother's guilt, aging, challenges, confession, controversial topics, conversations with Lucas, difficult subjects, health, infertility, pregnancy, siblings Tagged With: a mother's guilt, aging, challenges, confession, controversial topics, conversations with Lucas, difficult subjects, health, infertility, pregnancy, secondary infertility, siblings

No Longer A Rookie

Posted on May 21, 2015 Written by Tonya

Having battled unexplained secondary infertility for over three years, I know it is completely irresponsible to say this, but anyone who has one child, really should have two.

Not only is a sibling great for teaching communication skills and learning how to share, but it also creates a built-in lifelong friendship and promotes the value of teamwork. I honestly can’t wait until my youngest, Lola is old enough to work together with her brother, Lucas to go head to head with me and my husband. I want them to plan and scheme and support one another always.

Apart from all the sibling benefits, having a second child has made me a better mother to my first.

With four-and-a-half-years between them, I am such a different, more relaxed mother to Lola than I ever was to Lucas.

With Lucas, I was such a rookie! I was anxious and worried most of the time. I tried to stick to a “schedule” as much as I could, consulted charts, tracked development and marked milestones, called his pediatrician A LOT and made sure he ate an all organic diet until he was two years old and there was never dessert. I hovered far too much. Because that’s what you do with your first. I didn’t know any different. I was going crazy trying to be a “good mom”.

With Lola, I’m WAY more at ease. I didn’t have that sense of calm with my first. I give her a lot more freedom and I know that she’s okay. In large part, my comfort is due to the four-and-a-half-years of experience I gained from Lucas. Where I was unsure the first time around, I am loving this confident mom I am becoming. And that ease has transferred to the way I am with Lucas. I’m not as rigid with him as I used to be.

I still have anxiety and worries but knowing sort of what to expect is so comforting, especially in these early stages. Lola is only 15 months old.

Lucas was my whole world for so long and received a lot of undivided attention before his little sister was born and I was fearful that Lola wouldn’t benefit from that, but because of the age gap, Lucas is in school five days a week for 5+ hours per day and has activities beyond that leaving Lola and I lots of bonding time. Sometimes Lucas is actually the one to get the shaft now that Lola is so young and still depends on me for all of her needs. That makes me sad, but I know it won’t also be this way. She’s growing more independent every day.

Even though my children are different from one another and I try to keep the comparisons at bay, I know that there are many obstacles ahead of us and mothering traits I haven’t even begun to tap into, I’m just happy not to be a rookie mom anymore. I’m happy to have found some self-assurance and I can only hope that both my children are benefiting from it!

Of course, ask me tomorrow and I’ll probably be pulling my hair out feeling anything but confident.

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Pink Tutus

Posted on March 4, 2015 Written by Tonya

I never thought I’d be a mother to a girl.

I like to be pampered just as much as the next woman, I get my nails done every three weeks or so and enjoy looking pretty and getting made up, but my style is simple and classic (some would say boring) and there is very little pink, frills or lace in my closet. There are five steps to my make-up routine and I have never owned, worn or coveted a tutu. I never took ballet as a child, which probably is why I am such a klutz in my cardio barre class, which is heavily ballet based.

I also had (for lack of a better word) a complete crap relationship with my own mother so relating to women in many ways has been challenging for me. The thought of having a daughter of my own, raising a daughter terrifies me.

I have been pleasantly surprised by my daughter, Lola. Granted we’re only 13 months in but she’s amazing and so very very different than her brother. I don’t know that that is a boy/girl thing or just the simple fact that they are different people.

Obviously she’s not showing feminine or masculine tendencies at this point because I dress her and she has very little hair, wears a lot of her older brother’s hand-me-downs and plays with his now neglected Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Thomas the Tank trains and Matchbox cars. I’m fully expecting this all to change and in a big way but hopefully I’ll have a say in her attire for a little while longer.

When Lola was born, my friend Wendi gave us a size 12 month Hello Kitty tutu and a stern warning to, “get ready, this is what you have to look forward to”. Having a daughter of her own she presumably knows what I am up against.

She could be right.

When I was going through Lola’s closet recently I found the tutu and slipped it around her middle.

My heart almost exploded, first at the hilarity of it and then at how utterly adorable she looked. She started swinging her hips as if she was born to wear it. How on earth would she know to do that? The joy on her face was pure. She loved it and knew she looked cute. Perhaps all babies are delicious in tutus but this is one piece of clothing I never thought under any circumstances would I ever buy for my daughter.

As I watched Lola twirl around my bathroom, all of a sudden I saw a very bright hot pink hue of a future flash before my eyes and I know without a doubt there will be many more tutus.

tutu1

tutu2

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My Daughter’s Hands

Posted on January 13, 2015 Written by Tonya

We are outside sending Daddy and Lucas off to school. Lola waves with her whole hand and whispers “bye-bye” over and over and my heart almost explodes from the cuteness.

My favorite part of my daughter, next to her joy filled smile, sparkling eyes and mostly cheerful disposition are her hands.

Tiny and soft they are in constant movement.

I love to watch each finger.

Always curious and busy feeling fabrics, pressing buttons, turning pages of board books and pointing to the pictures inside, searching for tags and picking up minuscule pieces of lint as she crawls up the stairs.

Unless we catch her, she puts everything in her mouth.

Lola shows her love and appreciation by doling out “pat-pats”. It’s the sweetest gesture.

Someday these hands will hold mine as we cross the street. Her small fingers will fit neatly inside mine.

Someday her hands will reach for her brother in a time of need.

Lola’s hands will grow and change and they have so much life ahead of them.

hands

With her hands, she’ll pick flowers from our neighbor’s garden,

Grasp a crayon to color in and outside of the lines,

Tie the laces on her sneakers,

Hold the handlebars of her bicycle and pretend she’s flying.

Carefully she’ll use her hands to wrap boxes to put under the Christmas tree,

Braid her best friend’s hair,

Create melancholy music on a cello or piano,

Support her weight in a handstand,

Furiously type an email or best-seller,

With her hands, she will apply lipstick, sunscreen, shave her legs and pick at scabs she knows are better off left alone.

She will whisk eggs for a cake and lick icing off her finger,

Grip the steering wheel of her first car in anticipation of getting on the freeway,

Wipe away tears and hold her face in her palms.

I hope she has a good strong handshake and keeps her nails well manicured.

On her left hand I hope she’ll wear a wedding ring.

And more than anything, I hope her hands one day carry a child of her own.

I'm Published by Mamalode!

A longer version of this post appeared on Mamalode, May 1, 2015.

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Love

Posted on December 22, 2014 Written by Tonya

love
I thought I knew love.

I experienced my first crush in the second grade. Every time I saw him or was near him I would burst into giggles and so of course, I avoided him like the plague.

In sixth grade, my crush made my palms sweaty and I did everything I could to be near him. He and I shared a single kiss, a peck really and it turned my world upside down.

In the seventh grade I was “going out” with a ninth grader. We held hands and waited for one another by each others lockers and thought I was pretty special. Little did he know, I had a crush on his best friend.

As a ninth grader, I was kissed (among other things) for real and thought it was love.

As a sophomore, I lusted after someone I couldn’t have and whenever I saw him felt butterflies in my tummy. He smelled like Drakkar Noir and I doodled his name inside tiny hearts on the inside covers of my notebooks. I probably stated dating an older boy who went to a different school because he wore the same cologne. We would spend hours on the phone talking about nothing and I thought it was love.

When I met the first boy/man I thought I was going to marry I couldn’t even articulate what I was feeling so that had to be love. I identified with every love song on the radio and it was as though a light bulb had gone on in my heart. We were polar opposites but this is it. This has to true love! Our relationship latest three years, however, looking back, that two years too long.

My heart literally skipped a beat and I stopped breathing for a full minute when the first man I loved asked me to marry him. We had survived a year long long distance relationship and lived together, broken up and found our way back together. Eventually we were married. It was wonderful for a while, but fundamentally we were too different, wanted different things from life and in hind insight should have remained friends. He’s a great guy and we are still in touch.

I was lucky enough to make it down the aisle a second time and I couldn’t have been happier. I held on to my father’s arm, surrounded by all of my favorite family and friends and said “I do” to the most amazing man I had ever met. My soul mate. My other half, my plus one, the one I was meant to be with.

Through my 20s and 30s I thought I knew all there was to know about love. Turns out I really didn’t have a clue.

I would never claim that one cannot know love until they have a child because love comes in many forms – gay, straight, unrequited, platonic, even puppy love.

But the love of a child? That’s different.

It became crystal clear to me the moment I became a parent how much my own mother and father cherished me.

These two little people… my son and my daughter, they have cracked open my heart in intricate ways it has never known before and revealed to me true, unconditional, pure love and I will never be the same.     love

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Snowflakes

Posted on December 20, 2014 Written by Tonya

Together, Todd and I were enough and then we had Lucas.

Our son made us a family.

We desperately wanted a sibling for him and after a three year struggle with secondary infertility, we were finally able to give him one.

Our baby girl made our family complete.

A sibling is there to share secrets and face life’s greatest moments. But why I ever thought two children born to the same parents, raised in the same way would be alike is beyond me.

My sister and I are as different as night and day but I always thought it was because of the almost 12 year age difference between us. We were practically raised as only children and didn’t became close until we were adults. I have faced the best and worst life events with her by my side.

I have known many siblings and they are different from one another too but I never really thought why.

Now that I have two children I realize how unique siblings are from one another. Lucas and Lola are their own individual people with personalities and characteristics that are continuing to develop and while they do share genetics, they are very different.

So different.

So wonderful.

Just like snowflakes.

snow

At only 10 1/2 months and 5 1/2 years old, I can already see how different my children are from one another.

Complex.

Delicate.

One of a kind.

Magical.

And always will they be siblings.

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Happy Tears

Posted on August 14, 2014 Written by Tonya

The first time I ever remember crying from pure joy was when I was eight years old. My family and I had just returned from a stateside summer vacation back to our home in Karachi, Pakistan and I was reunited after 2 1/2 months away with our dog Licorice. That was back when I liked dogs.

It has only happened a handful of times since then, my wedding day, with each pregnancy test, the birth of my son and daughter.

Tears of joy are the best kind although it is a strange phenomenon, water coming from your eyes when you’re so happy you could burst. And to try to explain it to a five-year-old is damn near impossible.

Now that Lola can sit up and I have a fancy bath seat for her, Lucas likes to take baths with his little sister. It is now part of our nightly routine and is adorable to watch. They splash and play with a few bath toys and in the process get clean. Two birds one stone.

The other night Lola grabbed at Lucas’s foot and chewed with her one tooth on his toes. When Lucas pretended that it hurt and screamed out ow!, Lola burst into a fit of giggles. They were truly playing with one another and it was so cute. Then he hugged her and kissed her and told her how much she loved her.

A quiet observer, sitting on the toilet I soon became a sobbing mess. I didn’t even bother hiding it. I never thought I’d see the day.

My two children.

Playing with one another.

Loving one another.

Laughing with one another.

My heart hurt.

But in the very best way.

Lucas never having seen anyone cry from joy before suddenly stopped having fun and with a very concerned look on his face asked, “Mommy, why are you crying? I’m not really hurt.”

“I know, I’m crying because I’m so happy. I never thought that I’d see this, you two together and it makes me… happy. These are happy tears.”

As I watch their relationship develop, something tells me that there will be many more happy tears in my future. And I can’t wait.

bath

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Letters For Lola

Posted on July 22, 2014 Written by Tonya

Notice anything different about my blog?

Take a look at my new header!

My “letters” are now for Lucas and Lola.

It only took me five months to get around to making the addition!

Thank you to my terrific (and very, very patient) designer, Creative Kristi Designs.

I remember when I first started working with Kristi to redesign my blog in the summer of 2011 and had the forethought of leaving room in the header for a subsequent child, one that I had no idea would take so long to enter our lives. I’m blessed that Lola is finally here and so thrilled and very proud to see her name at the top of my blog along side her brothers.

I’ll still go by Letters For Lucas on Facebook and Twitter.

sibs

Why I write (April, 2014)

 

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