family

The House That Built Me

Posted on December 13, 2010 Written by Tonya

I love this house and I will miss it.

Today is moving day and I am excited, exhausted, nostalgic and sad.

Walking downstairs this morning, it hit me: last night was my last night here.

No matter how frustrated I have become with this house in the last few months due to its lack of space for Lucas, it’s cold, hard slat floors, it’s barely large enough to turn around in kitchen and it’s distance from good friends and family, we have spent four wonderful years here.

I was proposed to in the dining room.

I became a wife in the backyard.

I saw my parents for the last time in the living room.

I’ve enjoyed meals prepared by my husband, lots of takeout and countless bowls of cereal from the bar in the kitchen.

I’ve walked hundreds of miles on the treadmill in the office.

With my husband by my side, I have cried myself to sleep out of immeasurable grief within the safety and comfort of our bedroom.

We became parents in this house as we paced the floors comforting, soothing and getting to know our newborn.

We turned the upstairs guest room into a nursery and have read, sang and fed our son in the rocking chair in his room night after night for the past 18 months.

We’ve watched hours of mindless television catching up and trying to decompress from our busy days in our family room.

We’ve played “choo choo” and cars in every. single. room.

We have walked to and from the mailbox in hopes of running onto our neighbor’s cat, or better yet, one of our great neighbors.

We’ve hollered at one another at the top or bottom of the stairs, tripped on items that needed to go one way or the other and met each other halfway.

We’ve entertained family, celebrated birthdays and made new friends on our patio and watched a beautiful olive tree grow and bloom in the side yard.

I will carry with me all the warm memories this home has provided and hope that it’s new residents will treat it well.

I love this house and I will miss it.

Here’s to the next chapter…

This post was featured on the BlogHer Home page, in the featured members section on January 5, 2011.

post signature

Family

Posted on October 12, 2010 Written by Tonya

They lift you up.
They let you down.
They make your head spin and eyes roll.
They borrow money you know you’ll never see again.
They lend a hand when you need it most.
They are heirlooms and hand-me-downs.
They know you better than anyone else and can hurt you like no one else.
They make you laugh and not just chuckle, but full on tummy holding, side aching, tears running down your face laugh.
They make you cry by opening old wounds or creating new ones.
They are birthday parties, summer BBQs, college graduations, weddings and anniversaries.
They are home runs, three-pointers and touch downs.
They are teachers and confidants, cooks and built-in babysitters.
They manipulate, calculate and complicate.
They share your secrets, your history and your eye color.
They are your past, your present and your future.
They support, frustrate and hog the bathroom.
They become estranged and then they reunite.
They are game nights and pancakes and holiday traditions.
They are baby bottles, pizza deliveries and mom’s famous casserole.
They talk, listen, yell and argue.
They celebrate.
They grieve.
They remember.
They hurt.
They hug.
They are a force to be reckoned with.
They are aunts, brothers, nephews, sisters, fathers, cousins, uncles, brothers, in-laws, grandparents, nieces, and mothers.
They are home.
They are family.
They are love.

Family is everything.

My ipod Has Schizophrenia

Posted on October 14, 2009 Written by Tonya

I believe that everything is better with music and I love all different types; from bubble gum pop and jazz to Jay-Z and Radiohead (okay, Radiohead is one of your dad’s favorite bands, not mine, but I do have a two of their songs on my iPod).

Music is an incredibly powerful thing; it has the ability to uplift and motivate like nothing else. Just the right tune can put a smile on my face, a spring in my step, a wish in my heart or tear in my eye. It can make a long boring car ride more bearable and household chores dare I say, more fun to power through. It gives me that little extra something to go another few minutes on the treadmill.

I play music for you everyday. I have 15 days or 5316 songs on my iPod, so there is A LOT to choose from. My Essential playlist (otherwise known as the playlist of music I would have to have were I ever to find myself stranded on a deserted island and could only take one playlist), which you have probably listened to the most, includes 100 of my all time favorite songs. It is as eclectic as the rest of my music library. The first 10 songs are:

1. Ghost In You – The Psychedelic Furs
2. Rump Shaker – Wreckx-N-Effect
3. Melissa – The Allman Brothers Band
4. Anna Begins – Counting Crows
5. Love – Matt White
6. Peek-A-Boo – Sioxsie and the Banshees
7. Theme from “A Summer Place” – The Lettermen
8. Hallelujah – k.d. lang
9. Pig – Dave Matthews Band
10. Crazy – Patsy Cline

Each song is gorgeous, haunting and fun in their own special way. I think you can figure out which is which. 🙂

Music to me is like the sense of smell for others. It helps trigger a memory and hearing a certain song can bring me right back to that moment in time. For example, “Drive” by The Cars was my first slow dance, “Fade Into You” by Mazzy Star was the song playing on the radio when I got into my first(!) car accident, “Just Like Heaven” by The Cure will always remind me of dancing the night away in Newport Beach with my college roommate and our boyfriends, “You are the Sunshine of My Life” by Stevie Wonder is the song my sister sang at my wedding and “Addicted to Love” by Robert Palmer will always make me think of my dad. Actually, a lot of songs remind me of my dad, but that one in particular. He couldn’t get enough of the video featuring the scantily clad long legged chicks.

I am not a very good dancer, but I can carry a tune and you sure seem to like it when I start to move and groove and belt out with the chorus. I hope I am instilling in you an appreciation for music, if not a move or two you may bust out later in life.

The best is yet to be.

For My Broken Heart

Posted on August 31, 2009 Written by Tonya

The last time I saw my parents alive was the day after my wedding, Sunday, August 5, 2007.

My sister and I choose to remember them most on October 15, the day we were notified of their passing.

Sometime between Friday, October 12, 2007 at 8:00 PM and Saturday, October 13, 2007 at 8:00 AM they died of carbon monoxide poisoning.

They were 61 and 58 respectively…too young to die.

My parents lived overseas and dedicated their lives to working at American international schools around the globe for 28 years. My father was the principal of a kindergarten through 12th grade school in Tunis, Tunisia and my mother was a third grade teacher. They died in Tunisia.

For those of you who don’t know, carbon monoxide is odorless, colorless and is the second-leading cause of poisoning deaths in the U.S. Carbon monoxide poisoning claims nearly 500 lives and another 15,000 require emergency room treatment. It can kill you before you know it because you can’t see it, smell it, or taste it. A water heater vent was damaged in my parent’s kitchen and it emitted carbon monoxide into their home killing them.

It’s hard to be the one left behind to pick up the pieces, ask the unanswerable questions and it’s ridiculous to walk around angry at an inanimate object.

Most of the time I just feel robbed.

My parents were anything but done with this life.One week to the day before their bodies were found, they had decided to retire and return to their stateside home in Arizona. They were anxious to see my sister, Leah who had recently graduated from college, start her life and begin building a career, they looked forward to us both having grandchildren (they would have been amazing grandparents and would have completely adored and doted on Lucas and had a long list of things they wanted to do to their home and trips they were excited to take. It’s unfair that they were taken from us too soon. I miss them every single day and ache to hear their voices again.

I’m mostly sorry that my son will never get to meet them in the physical sense.

I hope between me, my sister, my husband and others that knew them well, Lucas will know them in a different way.

Sometimes bad things happen to good people, but I will forever believe that the best is yet to be.

Thoughts Shared With A Friend

Posted on August 28, 2009 Written by Tonya

Here is an excerpt from an e-mail I sent to a friend on Thursday, May 14, 2009 (one month before your due date):

I can’t believe that I’ll be a mommy a month from now, if not sooner! At my last OB appointment I was told our little guy could make his appearance up to eleven days early (!) based on his size. I am still planning to deliver vaginally and without drugs, so I hope he doesn’t get much bigger!! I’ll be nine months along on Saturday.

I think I’m ready for this adventure…sort of. His room is finally done and all of his clothes, towels and sheets have been washed, we have taken the classes and have what I am sure is way too much stuff. I mean, for God’s sake, how many onesies do we need? Not to mention spit rags and wash cloths?! It’s crazy. T. will put together his bassinet this weekend, which we plan on having in our room for the first few months, as I will be breast feeding and it will make it easier on me and everything else will hopefully fall into place when and as it should.

Emotionally, I’m not quite there yet. I like him being inside me where I can protect him 100% and I’m starting to worry about being alone with him and knowing how to meet his needs, once T. goes back to work, my sister has left and so has my dear, sweet, generous friend, S. I don’t know if I have mentioned her to you before, but I have known S. for 10 years and worked with her at two different companies. She has two grown children, four grandchildren and is one of my very best friends. S. has offered to come stay with us for a few days once we bring the baby home and I know she will be a Godsend!! It’s what happens after she leaves that I guess I’m trying to get my head and heart wrapped around….the fact that my world as I know it, is about to change FOREVER and that’s a very scary thought.

Being pregnant and being this close to delivery makes me miss my own parents and realize on a much deeper level how much they loved me and cared for me and worried about me. I wish they were here. They would have been wonderful grandparents. I am in the process of making a little book for the baby with 5×7 laminated head shots of our immediate family; Grandma and Grandpa A. included. We want our son to know all about them and how much they would have loved him. It’s turning out really well and hopefully will be a treasured item.

I also have these insane visions of yanking off his arm while trying to dress him or watching him fall on the floor. Ludicrous, I know, but not completely impossible!

My back has started to ache a lot in the last week and there’s not much I can do to alleviate the pain. Walking helps, so I do that a lot!

Well, you can clearly tell where my head is at these days….24/7 baby!

I think it’s interesting (and rather sad) to note that I don’t talk to this “friend” very much anymore. I certainly didn’t get the response from her that I was looking for, not that I thought I would or could, we were and are in totally different places in our lives right now. She is footloose and fancy free, AKA single and looking and I’m a mommy.

The best is yet to be.

The House That Built Me

Related Posts:

Family

Related Posts:

For My Broken Heart

Related Posts:

Thoughts Shared With A Friend

Related Posts:

Related Posts:

Related Posts:

Related Posts:

Related Posts:

Related Posts:

What I Write About