challenges

Done! – NaBloPoMo

Posted on December 10, 2015 Written by Tonya

So much for owing myself six more consecutive NaBloPoMo posts. Agh!! Well, I tried.

This time of the year is so rough with lengthy to do lists, shorten tempers and trying to squeeze it all in. Just this past week was crazy!

We got our tree, the boys went out of town while Lola and I stayed home and nursed colds, did a bunch on online holiday shopping, decorated the house and started our holiday cards, oh and my sister got engaged! More on that later….

At any rate, I consecutively wrote 17 posts in a row and a total of 23 for the month. This will be my last NaBloPoMo post.

Here’s what I’ve learned:

1. Editing photos, even if it’s just adding a watermark or resizing is a huge pain in the ass.

2. Participating in NaBloPoMo felt like homework every.single.day. and I decided I don’t appreciate writing under pressure.

3. I have plenty of content and ideas and don’t need prompts at this point in my life and I was thrilled to have cleared out my drafts folder.

4. NaBloPoMo kept me from watching hours of mindless TV. And reading. And I love reading. And TV.

5. This exercise encouraged me to let go of perfection and just write.

6. I’ve been blogging for over six years, but I’ve never blogged with any kind of regularity. I viewed this as a fun challenge, but decided I don’t want to be a full time blogger, I want to write bigger, more meaningful, meatier pieces and aim higher. I’ve been published a few places and I’m very proud of that and want to do more of that. Having said all that, however, I am motivated to keep adding to my blog when the mood strikes me. I like this space.

7. Writing begets writing. Even if it’s bad, I have to keep writing! I have to get it off my chest, out of my head and out here, there, anywhere for the sake of my own sanity.

Thank you for so much for reading my 7707 words and for the 50 comments.

23 days!! Yay me!!

Did you participate in NaBloPoMo, or NaNoWriMo? Did you finish? What have you learned from the challenge, whether you finished it or not?

Warts & Body Image – NaBloPoBo

Posted on November 9, 2015 Written by Tonya

My son has warts.

They are located in four of the nail beds of his fingers and other various places on his hands, sprinkled across the bridge of his nose, above his top lip and along one side of his jawbone. In all he has close to 50. You have to know what you’re looking for to even see them. Some are flat and some are raised.

Warts do not harm a child’s health and often go away on their own.

Lucas’s warts aren’t grotesque and they don’t bother him in the least bit. At least they didn’t until this summer when he mentioned something to his dad about having them removed.

This broke my heart.

At his six year wellness check up I spoke to his pediatrician about remedies and she referred us to a pediatric dermatologist.

Doctors remove warts in several different ways:

Immunotherapy treatment, which uses the patient’s own immune system to fight the warts. One type involves injecting candida to the largest 2-3 warts present creating a mild allergic reaction to occur. This reaction may cause the warts to go away. This treatment can take 3-5 visits 3-4 weeks a part before results are seen.
Freezing with liquid nitrogen, a more potent medicine than found in over-the-counter freezing remedies and can be very painful.
Applying a prescription-strength salicylic acid nightly.
Taking a twice daily pill for up to three months.
Laser surgery. A last resort due to scaring.

We have been to the dermatologist four times, opting for the first course of treatment and so far we have seen zero results, in fact, there are possibly more warts than before. Sigh. Warts are known to quickly spread.

I’m frustrated but have tried to be careful not to express it.

Lucas is frustrated. He dislikes the shots, can’t understand what the “big deal” is, despises doctor offices in general and like me, wishes to see results.

One of our appointments was during school hours and although he only missed an hour, he was distraught. I’ve been able to make all other appointments after school hours.

At our last appointment, he completely lost it.

I haven’t seen this boy cry in weeks.

Big huge crocodile tears poured from his eyes uncontrollably from the moment we were escorted to the examination room until we walked across the parking lot and returned to our car to go home.

He struggled with his words and couldn’t articulate himself.

I was beside myself. This is the worst part of parenting, seeing your child in pain and not being able to do a damn thing about but hold him and wipes away his tears.

In this moment, with the doctor and her medical assistant staring at me, searching for answers and Lola carrying on for her Grover doll we had left in the car and wanting my phone and no doubt confused by seeing her big brother in pain, I was reminded how little my boy still is.

He’s only six.

He has no way of knowing at six that someday, if we don’t start treatment now, these warts may be the reason why he won’t hold someone’s hand. I also never want Lucas to experience negative comments and hurtful teasing about the way he looks from classmates and peers. This would crush him.

Even after we were safely in the car and it was just us and he had calmed down a little, he couldn’t talk to me about his feelings. I can only assume it was a culmination of things.

I was also reminded that we haven’t had a single body image discussion with this child. He’s too young. His body is going to grow and change in so many ways over the next 10 years that I just thought we’d wait until some of those changes started to occur before we brought them up. How native. Of course if he asks questions; why do you wear make up, why do you eat salad, why do you pluck your eyebrows, etc. we answer.

My husband and I both exercise regularly and promote physical activity from a health and longevity aspect, but haven’t covered physical appearances with him.

It’s time.

Or maybe not.

Incidentally, we have decided no more injections and no more doctors. We are going to try a nightly cream and hope for the best.

Oh, parenting why must you be so hard?

Do you discuss body image with your child(ren)? Also, if you have dealt with warts, please share any tips you may have!

One Week

Posted on August 25, 2015 Written by Tonya

For several minutes, I could hear the steady bounce of the springs on the trampoline. I could him karate chopping the air and yelling “Hi-Ya!” as well as other combative nonsense.

Then suddenly I heard nothing.

Until…

“Mom, mom!! Come out here, I want to show you something!”

Expecting to see a strange insect or the dog doing something grotesque, this is what I found instead:

“I’m bored!” – Lucas, 6 – August 25, 2015

“Mom, are you here? Do you like it? It’s called, I’m bored.”

Needless to say, we have reached the point of summer when I am about to pull my hair out, otherwise known as, it’s time to send someone back to school!

The first half of our summer was very scheduled with five weeks of camps; skateboard, baseball, science, nature center and reading and throughout the 84-day (who’s counting?) break there have been lots of fun outings, a couple of mini staycations, two dozen play dates, three almost completed activity books, arts and crafts, tons of swimming and beach days and some good quality family time. With just one week to go before the 2015-16 school year starts, I’ve run out of ideas.

I love hanging out with my soon to be first grader, but like me, Lucas does better with structure and his recent acting out only proves to me that children want to be doing something. I have tried my best to keep him occupied, entertained and busy but most of my latest suggestions just sound “boring” to him. Guess what doesn’t sound boring? Playing with the iPad! Yeah, he’s had some marathon runs with that thing the last couple of days and I’ve learned more than I ever hoped to about Dragon City and Minecraft. His pathetic pleads for “10 more minutes” are getting the best of me.

I’m tired of hearing him complain about how there is nothing to do and think the only solution left is to GO BACK TO SCHOOL!!

One week.

I can do it.

And so can he!

Have your children gone back to school? How did you ~~celebrate~~ get through the last grueling week?

Frozen: Six Options

Posted on August 16, 2015 Written by Tonya

My six-year-old son doesn’t remember hanging out with me for countless hours in our fertility doctor’s waiting room.

Much more patient than I ever was, I might add.

He doesn’t recall the separate, much smaller waiting area for patients who already have children.

He has no memory of the kind nurses, physician’s assistants, lab technicians, doctors or receptionists who knew him by name, gushed over his long eyelashes and offered him lollipops every time he visited.

He doesn’t recollect his father administering the twice daily shots of progesterone in the fleshy part of my hips or the heparin shots I’d give myself in my belly or the handful of pills I would take as we practiced his counting.

I’m grateful that Lucas doesn’t remember our struggle to give him a sibling, but I do. Just like it was yesterday.

And when he wistfully asks when I am going to have another baby, my heart aches and I am taken aback.

There are also times when it is just the two of us and his little sister is being cared for so we can do “big kid stuff” and he’ll announce unabashedly, “I really love Lola but I am so glad she isn’t with us right now”. Once again, my heart aches and I am taken aback.

It is no secret that our daughter, Lola is an IVF baby.

A miracle baby.

But aren’t they all?

After struggling with secondary infertility for over three years; having six miscarriages, countless failed natural cycles, IUIs and one failed IVF, our second attempt at IVF worked!

Of the five eggs retrieved, three fertilized but only two were good after PGD (pre-implantation genetic diagnosis).

A boy and a girl.

The girl became Lola.

The other embryo is still frozen.

Typically two embryos are transferred increasing the odds of conception or attaching to the uterine wall, but in my case, my fertility doctor’s statistics were better with patients with my history and age to only transfer one embryo.

All it takes is one!

Thinking pessimistically, I thought we would fail again and try to use the second one right away, but instead we succeeded!

We were lucky.

And now we have an embryo on ice.

The boy.

It costs roughly $350 per year to store.

We have six options and please trust that this is a deeply personal decision, a moral and ethical decision and there is so much more to each and every one of these options than what I have shared here. It is weighting heavily on my mind and heart and so I write about it. Because that is what works for me.

I’m also not looking for advice or a solution.

It will come to us, my husband and I.

In time.

Throughout this process, I realize that the further away from my fertility struggle I get, it is still there, front and center, ready for access.

Six Options:

1. Transfer. It works and we go from a family of four to a family of five. Of course, I just turned 43 and my husband is already 43 and our family feels perfect just the way it is. This option also involves a heavy dose of fertility medications and doctors visits throughout the pregnancy. Due to my age, I’m already considered high-risk and given my struggles in the past, I will see a perinatologist beginning at 12 weeks, if not sooner. A very small price to pay for an addition to our family, but must be considered nonetheless. Can my body go through all that again? I still have bruises from my pregnancy with Lola, who is a year and a half! Are we naive to think everything will work out as well? And let’s say we make it full term, what would our family of five look like? What if this third child needed additional care of one sort or the other? So many questions.

2. Transfer. It doesn’t work and we grieve the loss and move on the best way we can.

3. Donate. We know the fertility struggle all too well and would love to help a couple or family have a child or another child. Sounds simple enough and completely altruistic, but dealing with the fact that our “son” is out there somewhere could be more than we can bear.

4. Put the embryo up for adoption. Yes, you really can do this, but again see above. Plus, I doubt either of us could ever accept payment for our embryo.

5. Discard. At this moment in time, time option is out of the question. I simply do not have the heart or strength for this. And I probably never will.

6. Store. Continue paying storage fees until the end of time.

Option 6 it is.

For now.

We have decided to table our decision for six months.

According to the National Embryo Donation Center, an estimated 600,000 unused embryos are currently frozen in clinics throughout the country.

Last year, doctors at IVF clinics performed more than 165,000 treatments — more than ever before.

The Waves Of Motherhood

Posted on March 17, 2015 Written by Tonya

One moment calm and quiet.

Still and serene.

The next vicious and cold.

Loud and puzzling.

We crash into one another like angry waves.

It is powerful, vast and engulfing, completely out of my control.

It can hurt, leave scars and feel like being hit by a Mack truck.

It pushes and pulls and we are tangled up in seaweed, gasping for air.

September, 2014 – La Jolla, California. Lola is 8 months old.

Then suddenly it is peaceful again.

Warm and inviting.

Effortlessly and harmoniously we float side by side.

We each breathe a sigh of relief and prepare for the next wave.

Motherhood is like the waves of the ocean, complicated and challenging but always beautiful and worth riding every wave.

Another Mother

Posted on December 9, 2014 Written by Tonya

My mother died seven years ago but I have always missed her.

I think about my mother a lot during the holidays. She adored Christmas with a childlike glee, made the best chocolate chip and sugar cookies and could wrap a present like nobody’s business.

I wanted another mother.

I discovered at the tender age of 14 while getting ready for my first boy/girl party that the mother I had was never going to be the mother I needed. After helping me put together an outfit and apply the slightest bit of makeup, she said flatly I “looked fine” and shooed me out of her bedroom.

I was confused and hurt.

My mother was aloof and far way, indifferent and quiet. I tried like hell to get inside her head but she had no interest in self revelation or sharing herself with me. Or anyone, but perhaps my father and sister.

We struggled.

We struggled to communicate with one another, we struggled to relate to one another, we struggled to look each other in the eye. There was always a gaping distance between us. It wasn’t tension as the result of a big blow out, we simply had nothing to talk about. I remember a four-hour car ride we took together in which maybe ten words were shared.

Even after years of knowing what I would encounter each and every time, I still kept hoping that she would change. That she would let me in.

I needed a mother who was present and engaging, hands on and expressive. I wanted the kind of mother my friends had. One who was interested and interesting. I knew so little about the woman who raised me.

For years I thought if I could just find the right way to talk to her, she’d open up. Every question I asked lead to a dead end so eventually I gave up.

Things weren’t as quiet when my father was around and especially if my sister was present. Both served as buffers and provided topics of conversation.

As an adult, before both of my weddings and once on a very long family road trip I wanted to confront her but I chickened out because I was afraid of her response. My ego couldn’t handle more mommy disappointment. What could she say to me? “I’m sorry, I did the best I could.”? I didn’t want to hear that. Of course, I don’t know what I wanted to hear.

While I once thought my mother and I were as different as night and day, now I’m not so sure. Now that I’m a mother myself I feel like I know her in a whole new way. Is that crazy?

This was a stream of consciousness post written in 15 minutes with very little editing. My relationship with my mother is a topic that I could go on and on about as I try to dissect it, what I wish it was and how I find peace with it now that she is gone.

Being Busy

Posted on November 6, 2014 Written by Tonya

Before I even got out of bed the other morning, I reached for my phone and cancelled lunch plans, a gym date, movie and dinner with a friend and a doctor’s appointment. I also decided I wasn’t going to pick up the dry cleaning, go to the super market, touch a stitch of laundry or buy the three birthday presents we need for parties this weekend.

I just didn’t feel like running all over town.

I didn’t want any of those obligations.

I needed a day of calm.

When I announced my cancellations to my husband, he asked if I was feeling okay.

I love being busy. I think it’s how I operate best. Under pressure, with To Do list in hand, scurrying from here to there, seeking tasks and accomplishments, fitting everyone and everything in.

My family and I are extraordinarily busy and always on the go, but we juggle our multiple stresses with ease (some days more so than others).

“I’m so busy” is a phrase I hear and use too often and I worry… am I glorifying busy?

There’s no medal for the busiest person and it has taken me a long time to realize that my time is valuable and it is okay to say no. I don’t have to be the first one to RSVP yes to an event or volunteer for something I really don’t want to do. And it’s okay to cancel plans.

Even if it’s the day of.

No is a powerful word when you are trying to tame the habit of being busy all the time.

Down time is SO underrated, especially once you have children and having a little free time isn’t a bad thing.

Instead of all the things I had planned to do that day, I took Lola for a long walk, we spent some time at a park and then picked up Lucas from school. The three of us shared an afternoon snack of crackers and cheese and then rushed off to his karate lesson.

We were late.

For me, for you, for everyone:

I’m Not Cut Out For This Shit

Posted on October 29, 2014 Written by Tonya

One of the goals I set for myself this year was to submit my writing to different Web sites to gain some greater exposure and I finally, not only found the time to write a post that I felt was worthy of one of those sites, but actually submitted one.

Eek!

Lo and behold, it was accepted.

I am very honored to be featured on Scary Mommy today with a post I wrote called, I’m Not Cut Out For This Shit about a day when motherhood was seriously kicking my ass. It’s real and raw and I would be ever so grateful if you would read it.

I love and respect Jill Smokler (Scary Mommy) and the community of anything but perfect parents she has brought together through her Web site and books and I am beyond thrilled to see my words on her site.

There is nothing more powerful than the “me too” factor, so if you’re a mom I hope you’ll be able to identify with my post.

Timing My Online Life

Posted on October 29, 2014 Written by Tonya

My friend Elaine of The Miss Elaine-ous Life recently posed the question: how many hours do you think you spend online each day? My response was as follows:

Hard for me to say, a good solid two hours every night after the kids go to bed and periodically throughout the day… Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, games, etc. All on my iPhone. Maybe five hours total?

When I read blogs or write or comment, it’s usually on my laptop and nowadays that is maybe five hours per week, if I’m lucky.

Just this week for the first time Lucas asked me point blank, “Mom, why are you on your phone all the time?” That stopped me in my tracks.

I was completely guessing and in all honesty really had no idea but felt it was too much.

I don’t work so I’m not in front of a computer all day and can’t seem to find the time to write very much anymore, but my phone is always within reach, on silent so I won’t react every time it makes a sound. I hate those people who hear a message alert that is not even their own and they grab their phone anyway.

I thought it would be interesting to time myself daily for one week to see exactly how much time I actually do ~~waste~~ spend on my phone and I’m shocked at the results.

Happily shocked.

From Saturday, October 11 – Tuesday, October 21 each and every single time I used my phone or laptop, I started a stopwatch and at the end of the day, just before I fell asleep, I stopped it and captured a photo. Here are the results for nine days:

I timed everything I did: looking up directions, composing texts, phone calls, searching Google, reading blogs, reading and responding to e-mails, posting to Facebook, Instagram and Twitter, taking photos, editing photos, creating notes, listening to podcasts while walking, playing games, EVERYTHING! On average I spend just over three hours on my phone per day.

Incidentally, there is a smartphone usage tracking app (of course) called Moment ($4.99 on the App Store) and the creator, Kevin Holesh designed it for the exact reasons I wanted the data. “Since it’s so difficult to convince ourselves to leave our smartphones alone, Holesh said he wants people to at least find a balance of “connected and disconnected” that’s right for them.

So often make excuses for the reasons we are online and the time it takes us away from our family and friends and what’s really important and all that time can really add up.

My goal was to track my usage for one week but I ended up doing it for 11 days because it was easy and I found it so interesting. It turns out that scrolling through my Facebook feed, posting a cute pic of my kids or playing my turn in Words With Friends doesn’t take nearly as long as I thought it did.

I wonder if my usage was reduced because I was aware of the experiment. I noticed I didn’t comment as much on Facebook, read as many articles or view as many YouTube videos.

The majority of phone time was late at night when I didn’t have anyone to attend to, when I should have been reading or writing (!) or talking to my husband, however, he is a lights out at 10 o’clock kind of person and I stay up until midnight almost every night. After we caught up and watched a show or two on TV, I turned to my phone. Perhaps I’d get a more restful sleep if I put my phone down.

I also timed my laptop usage, although during the 11 days I only used it once and for roughly an hour.

If you have ever wondered about your phone usage, I encourage you to try this challenge and please share your results. And relax, it’s probably not as much as you think!

The Great Debate [In My Head]

Posted on September 16, 2014 Written by Tonya

I hear Lola stir in her crib upstairs just as I’m half way through an article on the Today Parents Website. She’s cooing and talking joyfully at first and then her pleads became more urgent.

I know as I climb the stairs to her room I’ll never finish the article. I’ll never get back to any of the tabs open on my laptop. At least not today. I’m excited to see my baby as she has been napping for over an hour and we can now take our daily walk and play and look at books together but I’m also dismayed that the quiet me time I had been enjoying for the last 90 minutes is now over. I didn’t accomplish nearly as much as I had hoped. Damn it! Why didn’t I spend more time writing?!

One of the things I have tried to instill in Lucas is this mantra:

Chores before play, put away one game before setting up another, errands before park, etc.

I first heard it two years before I became a mother in the 2007 movie, The Great Debaters with Denzel Washington. I liked it then and love it now that I have children. I’ve also tried to follow it myself and it seems to work (most of the time) with my son.

My days are long and start the second my feet hit the floor. Full of tasks I have to do…

Make beds.

Make breakfasts, lunch, snacks, bottles.

Care for the dog.

Lay out clothes.

Change the baby.

Pick up stray socks, dirty bibs, Lego.

Assist Lucas as he packs his backpack.

Load the car.

It’s no different in your house.

Mornings are particularly and notoriously busy for households with children, trying to get everyone what they need to start the day.

A mom’s “have to do’s” last All. Day. Long. As soon as one need is met, it is followed up with another and another and another. And even our free time is not our own because when the kids are in school or napping is when the real work happens. I mean, who can sweep the floor with an adorable seven-month-old scooting around or an anxious Kindergartener ready to play another round of UNO? I certainly can’t.

So, alas… the things I want to do fall by the wayside. I make sure to exercise five days a week because if I don’t, I start to get twitchy. But apart from that, all I want to do lately is write. Writing is tricky, I can’t just sit down at my desk and write, I have to first peruse the Internet, respond to an e-mail, pay a bill, place a Diapers.com order, take a Buzz Feed quiz, get lost in the vortex that is Facebook.

I must tell myself every morning: After the kids are in bed and dinner is cleaned up and put away, I’ll stay up late and write.

And every night I crash within minutes of my children or I fall into bed too exhausted to do anything but exchange a few words with my husband and watch another episode of Chopped while I play Words With Friends.

Sigh! It’s the great debate in my head these days… when to write. Not what to write, just when?!?!

I was on a roll the other day and considered giving Lola a piece of paper to keep her occupied for a few minutes. And then I thought better and got down on the floor with her and worked on spit bubbles and mouth noises. It was time better spent, but my head is on overdrive and I must find some hours in the day to devote to writing.

Do you struggle with this too? When do you find the time to do the things you’re passionate about?

Warts & Body Image – NaBloPoBo

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One Week

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Frozen: Six Options

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The Waves Of Motherhood

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I’m Not Cut Out For This Shit

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Timing My Online Life

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What I Write About