KRA

Show Me Something I’ve Never Seen Before

Posted on July 14, 2011 Written by Tonya

Show me something I’ve never seen before; a treasured photograph of your grandparents or a handkerchief your father wore in his lapel.

Take me somewhere I’ve never been; a place where the land meets the sea, the breeze is cool and your mind calms.

Introduce me to the friend you’ve known the longest, a dish at your favorite restaurant and a book you stayed up all night reading.

Feed me tales and sweet memories of your childhood.

Walk me through the details of your wedding day right up to the moment, with hope glistening in your eyes and your voice trembling you said, “I do”.

Sing me the same soothing lullaby night after night; the one that helps ease my fears and dream vividly.

Tell me a secret and I promise to keep it safe in my heart forever.

Let me make mistakes and learn as I go, no matter how difficult it may be for you to witness.

Treat me with kindness and respect all the days of your life.

Read me a page from the journal you kept as a child so that I might have a glimpse of the dreams you had as a young girl.

Bake me oatmeal chocolate chip cookies from a recipe that has been in your family for generations.

Teach me the lyrics to your favorite song and whenever I hear it I’ll feel closer to you even if we are miles apart.

Protect me, as best you can, from negativity, bullies and cars that drive down our street much too fast.

Help me see the good in people, root for the underdog and learn to forgive by building compassion in my heart and in my soul.

Cradle me in your arms while you smooth out my hair and tenderly run your fingers down my back.

Guide me through life as though you were my tour guide, exposing me to places near and far but always emphasizing the importance of home.

Look me in the eyes when you have bad news to share or we toast to those no longer with us.

Remind me, despite my flaws, how special I am and I’ll do the same for you.

Comfort me with your words of love, honesty and praise.

Show me something I’ve never seen before, mom.

This post was featured on Natalie’s blog, Mommy of a Monster, in her weekly feature, Monster Likes #26 on Saturday, July 16, 2011.

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A Fine Mess

Posted on May 2, 2011 Written by Tonya

I didn’t come undone.

I was in shock for sure and completely devastated, but I didn’t lose my shit.

I couldn’t.

I couldn’t come unglued.

I had a younger sister to consider.

I had a younger sister that had just lost her parents and if I thought I was too young at 35 to be going through this, she was definitely too young at 23.

Not to mention, there was so much to be done.

So many decisions that needed to be made right away. There were phone calls to make, e-mails to send, notes to take, questions to ask, the repatriation of their bodies, a funeral home to select, urns to chose, a service to prepare for, documents, signatures, lawyers, and then ultimately, homes to clear out and an estate to settle.

I didn’t make any of tough decisions alone. Thankfully, I had my husband and my sister by my side, but it still felt like I was the one in charge.

My emotions could wait.

I thought I could delay my grieving process just a little longer.

Of course, I was wrong, so….

Four days after the memorial service, I returned to work in search of normalcy. Almost a year later I quit my job and discovered a new normal all together.

In the year that followed my parents deaths, I exercised like a maniac, which made me feel stronger physically. It also created endorphins that made me feel better mentally. Today, I’m an endorphin junkie!

I talk about my loss with anyone that will listen in a honest and open way.

I seek help in the form of a grief counselor or a glass of wine at the end of a particularly rough day, but have never turned to antidepressants.

I work through and with my sadness.

I cry.

I go through photos and momentos and remember.

I write.

A lot.

I could have curled up in a little ball and shut the world out, I could have let this tragic loss break me, but I made a conscious decision not to. It hurt like hell, but I chose to put one foot in front of the other and just keep living.

Some may say I’ve pushed my grief aside in an effort to avoid it or that I have compartmentalized it; placing it neatly on a shelf to address at another time, but I assure you I DEAL with it every day. It’s always there.

It is definitely a long and arduous process but I have learned that I am stronger than I ever thought I could be and I am very proud of the way I have navigated through such uncharted territories, especially considering I became a mother right smack dab in the middle of it all.

This post is for The Red Dress Club’s writing assignment, RemebeRED. This week’s prompt was: Tell the story (without any trivialization or modesty) of something in your life that you are proud of.

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A Woman I Didn’t Know

Posted on April 20, 2011 Written by Tonya

I had a good mother but she and I did not have the type of relationship that I would have liked. We didn’t share intimate secrets or inside jokes. She wasn’t the first person I would think of to call when I had a dilemma. I loved her dearly but I didn’t know her at all.

It’s taken me a long time to be able to admit that my mother and I were not close, especially since she has been gone for over three years.

My mother was a sweet and giving person. She taught kindergarten or third grade my whole life. She loved to celebrate each and every holiday with gusto. She sent heartfelt greeting cards and made the best chocolate chip cookies on the planet. Her motto was a cliche that I grew to hate: c’est la vie because it became her “go to” response to EVERYTHING.

My mother was a very intelligent woman and I can recall hearing my father comment many times on her high IQ, but she didn’t talk very much.

I don’t think she knew how to express herself.

Until I realized that, she seemed disinterested, oblivious and even intimated by me. I know she must have had a lot of opinions, but she didn’t share them, even after much probing.

There were nightly conversations in our home on a variety of topics ranging from entertainment and politics to current events and religion and it was always my father, sister and me having the discussions, while my mother sat quietly on the sidelines not contributing a word.

Was it our fault?

Did we not include her enough?

Did she think she couldn’t relate?

Did she feel as though her opinion didn’t matter to us?

It did. Very much.

She appeared to be listening and taking it all in, but there was zero exchange.

I was once at a job for more than two years before she ever asked me what it was that I did.

I can accept the things my mother was, but to this day I cannot accept the things that she was not.

I wish we had both tried harder.

If my mother blogged or even kept a hand written diary when I was Lucas’ age, I feel like I would have been privy to a woman I don’t feel like I knew. I would have learned of her inner most thoughts and feelings on motherhood, dreams for me and herself. I would be able to read about her passions, joys, sorrows, strengths and weaknesses and love for me.

I would have very much appreciate, benefited from and cherished a Letters For Tonya blog.

This post was written for Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop, Prompt 2.) If my Mom were a blogger…

School Days

Posted on March 29, 2011 Written by Tonya

From 1976-1979, my parents taught on an Indian reservation in Sells, Arizona. My mother taught kindergarten and my father, high school U.S. history.

For reasons I’m unclear of, I attended a Catholic school in a different district for kindergarten and first grade, almost nine miles away in Topawa. My family isn’t Catholic.

The scent of Play-Doh and Coppertone, riding my Big Wheel up and down the sidewalk in front of our house, skinned knees, playing house, watching the Donnie and Marie Show, too much sugar cereal and wishing I was older all remind me of my childhood, but it’s six very distinctive events that stand out when I think back to being four and five years old and my first school days:

1. I got to ride the school bus all by myself for what I now know was only 20 minutes, but back then felt like 90. How grown up I felt. It was frightening too, especially the time that I missed my stop and a policeman escorted the bus to pull over so that I get off after multiple radio calls were made regarding my whereabouts. I knew full well that the light haired, light eyed little girl they were talking about was me.

2. I stapled my finger to see what it would feel like and I quickly learned that it hurt like hell as I stood there bleeding my ruby red blood all over Miss Mills’ desk with big crocodile tears streaming down my face. I’ve never done that again!

3. Catholic nuns can be both vicious and the most endearing women on the planet.

4. Case and point: Once Sister Trecel made me eat a banana at lunch even though I told her that it would make me sick. When I threw up all over her and her starch black and white habit, she sent me home with a note of apology to my parents pinned to my shirt.

5. Naps… need I say more? Actually, it is not the naps that I recall so much as the uncomfortable green army cots and the giant pools of drool that I remember most of all. Not mine, mind you. I also remember laying there for what seemed like forever listening to my class mates snore. I still can’t nap.

6. When Miss Mills asked us to draw a picture of our family, I drew my mother, father, myself and my baby sister. Miss Mills called my mother that evening to congratulate her on our family’s new addition. My sister, Leah wouldn’t be born for another eight years. Gulp! Thinking back on this family portrait always reminds me how much I longed for a sibling.

Two big years of my young life as defined by six small events that stand out very clearly in my adult head.

This post is for The Red Dress Club’s writing assignment, RemembeRED. This week’s prompt was to remember kindergarten.

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Inspiration

Posted on March 16, 2011 Written by Tonya

For me, inspiration comes from 101 different places…. a kind gesture, a meaningful connection with someone I admire, respect or never even met in real life, those that give of themselves and expect nothing in return, an exploration involving a passport, being within the comfort of my home, an epiphany that leads me down a road of self to discovery, a starry sky, a roaring ocean or a vast dissolute desert.

Inspiration also comes from:

My parents because their relationship complimented one another so seamlessly and it’s one that I would like to emulate, they exposed me to the whole world, they instilled in me a strong work ethic and a respect and empathy for all. My son because his light, curiosity and wonder amaze me daily. He makes me want to be a better person.My husband because he puts up with me and all my neurosis and supports me as a navigate through a very wide range of moods and emotions. My friends because no matter where our lives may take us or how busy we get, I know without a doubt we will always be there for each other. We share our successes and failures equally.But, it’s reading books, blogs, magazines, quotes and lyrics that inspire me the most. Just knowing that others have experienced what I have and learning their coping mechanisms or marveling at their own unique lives is a wonderful gift and makes me feel truly alive and incredibly hopeful in myself and the human race.

This post was written for Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop, Prompt 5) I’m inspired by… (A photo journal entry)

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One Year Ago

Posted on March 2, 2011 Written by Tonya

Exactly one year ago today, March 3, I wrote this post: Safety First. We were having our home baby proofed by a professional baby proofing company (because God knows we couldn’t have done it ourselves) and discovered that our home was unprotected by a carbon monoxide detector.

This was shocking news to me because 1) I thought we had one and 2) My parents died of carbon monoxide poisoning. Boy, did I feel stupid! We immediately rectified this oversight. I urge all of you to make sure you too have a CO detector and that it is in working order. It can save lives!

Also a year ago…

Lucas turned nine months old, just learned how to clap, went into a swimming pool for the first time and started wearing the Doc Band, my sister turned 26, we were starting to really listen to nursery rhymes, I was lusting after Pretty Things and I read Kelly Corrigan’s beautiful memoir, The Middle Place.

Last week I wrote my 500th Letters For Lucas post, Lucas is almost 21 months old, Leah will be 27 on Monday, we have a new address, my husband has his own vintage car showroom, which has been (knock on wood) very successful so far and I’m reading One Amazing Thing by Chitra Banerjee Divakaruni and I’m still lusting after pretty things:

Bailey Console Table – Pottery Barn

Love Letters Sheet Set – Anthropologie

Wall Art – Land of Nod

The last week has been rough. Lucas has been sick with the worst cold/flu of his young life and we have been to the pediatrician’s office twice, most recently to find out he now has a double ear infection. I’ve been sick too and so has Todd. Taking care of a sick child when you’re sick too is no fun!

Never a dull moment…

As always, then and now, our life is full of ups and downs, but also a lot of humor along the way.

How has your life changed in one year?

This post was written for Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop Prompt 3) What were you blogging about last year at this time? What has changed?

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Mysterious Ways

Posted on February 10, 2011 Written by Tonya

I could never have imagined that my parents would not meet my son.

It didn’t once enter my thought process when I dreamed about having a family. In my mind, two sets of grandparents were always part of that equation.

Being a parent without parents never ever crossed my mind.

They should be here.

My son should have two sets of grandparents.

My mother and father should know Lucas.

Lucas should know my mother and father.

He will.

Lucas will know my parents through me and my husband and my sister and anyone else that wants to tell him about what amazing people they were. He’ll hear that he reminds us of them in small ways; like a simple expression on his face that looks just like one my mother would make when she was giddy with excitement and big ways, too, like Lucas’ insatiable curiosity that was so similar to my father’s and how they were taken from all of us too soon.

But it’s not the same.

Lucas is missing being able to go to a Red Sox game with my dad, hear first hand about the small town in Texas where he grew up. He is missing learning about stamp collecting, how to make the perfect Orange Julius and the intrigue of film-noir movies.

Lucas is missing holding my mother’s soft hands, devouring her scrumptious chocolate chip cookies and celebrating each and every holiday with gusto, as only she knew how.

Lucas is missing out on so much.

But they are missing out too.

I have a beautiful, smart, funny, awesome son and just once, I’d love for my parents to able to hear his magical laughter every time I chase him around the park.

Losing my mother and father at such an early age, mine and theirs respectively, is unfathomable. But, sometimes the universe works in mysterious ways and the unfathomable happens. I lost my parents and less than a year later became pregnant with Lucas. I suffered the greatest loss of my life and then gained light and hope and more joy than I ever thought my heart could hold.

I could never have imagined that my parents would not meet my son or that they wouldn’t be here longer than they were, but the way I used to think changed and then the whole world shifted.

If want to know more about how I lost my parents, please read For My Broken Heart.

This post is for The Red Dress Club’s writing meme, Red Writing Hood. This weeks prompt was to write a post that begins with the line, “I could never have imagined” and ends with the line, “Then the whole world shifted.”

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It’s All In The Application

Posted on February 1, 2011 Written by Tonya

My mother wore very little make-up and everything I learned about it, I learned from her. In other words, I never learned much more than; a little blush, a little mascara, a little lipstick. Done. She made it look effortless, flawless and easy. It really is anything but.

I didn’t have an older sister or friends with older sisters that were willing to use my face as a guinea pig.

I got my first Maybelline* eye shadow and blush kit when I was in the 7th grade and while I loved the idea of wearing make-up and I coveted my make-up bag, I think I only used it once or twice. I had no clue what I was doing. I would looking like a circus clown, so I gave up.

I don’t know what my friends and I were doing that we didn’t sit around practicing the fine art of make-up application. I suppose we were too busy lip-synching to Wham and Duran Duran.

I really wish I knew how to apply make-up.

I love the way in can transform a face, especially one that has become a mother and is tired, worried and growing older by the minute.

I love it when my friend Nancy offers to do my make-up for a special occasion. She was kind enough to do my make-up for my wedding and has dolled me up for Vegas many times over the years.

I don’t even own any eyeliners or eye shadows.

I wear the absolute bare minimal. Because that’s all I can handle.

My entire make-up routine takes a total of 6 minutes, if that. And trust me when I tell you that without these items, I look dead:Still loyal to Maybelline Great Lash mascara, I have expanded my make-up collection to include a lot of Bare Escentuals* products. If you haven’t jumped on the mineral make-up band wagon yet, I highly suggest it. Talk about transforming your face; it’s fantastic stuff. Plus, the starter kit and DVD with explicit step-by-by instructions was perfect for a make-up novice like me. 🙂

How did you learn to apply make-up? What are your favorite products?

*This post was no way endorsed by Maybelline or Bare Escentuals. Sadly.

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Gone Too Soon

Posted on January 28, 2011 Written by Tonya

It’s been 1201 days since my parents died.

1201 days? That seems like an eternity to me when I think of all they’ve missed.

Then again, 1201 days really isn’t that much time at all when I think of how fresh the loss is in my heart.

I often worry that I’ll forget what they sounded like and looked like, but both are etched in my brain and woven throughout my memories.

I carry them with me everywhere and I ache to hear their voices again and dread each and every single anniversary, birthday and other special occasion they are missing. But it is the mundane everyday life events that they are missing that make me the saddest.

1201 days later and I am still pressing on.

I press on for my sanity, for Lucas’ sake and for them, because that is what they’d want me to do.

My father would have been 64 today.

Michael Stephen Adams

January 28, 1947 – October 15, 2007

Rest In Peace.

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The Spirit Of Christmas – Redux

Posted on December 24, 2010 Written by Tonya

I originally posted this last year (December 16, 2009 / The Spirit of Christmas) back when I only had 16 followers.

The memories and sentiments remain true today, so with very few edits, I’d like to share it with you again and from my house to yours, Merry Christmas!

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My mother loved Christmastime and our house was always decked out for the holidays. She was the reason Hallmark Cards exists!

We always had a beautiful tree covered with colorful international treasures from our life overseas and all the traveling we had done together.

She loved snow globes and nativity scenes and every year one whole couch would be completely covered with her motley crew of Christmas guys (stuffed animals dressed in red and green).

She had Christmas dishes strewn about the house filled with holiday candy and would have enough baked goods on hand to guarantee at least a three to five pound weight gain after each visit.

She was a big fan of the Christmas letter (writing and receiving them) and she loved shopping for our holiday cards and stationary the day after Christmas for the following year. I remember many 5:00 AM alarms going off on December 26 and the two of us rifling through bins of picked over greeting cards to find enough boxes for everyone on her and my father’s Christmas list. I swear they must have sent 300 cards!

I miss my mother every day but especially during the holiday season. She made Christmas special and a lot more fun with her childlike enthusiasm and overall joy. My dad, on the other hand, was the exact opposite. Sure, he loved the Christmas cookies and other goodies, but growing up, his family would put up their Christmas tree the day before Christmas and take it down the day after, or so he said.

He would often tell my mom to buy what she wanted and he would wrap it and put it under the tree. Over the years, he started to get into it more and I think even began to enjoy picking out gifts for all of us and eventually came to understand the element of surprise, however, his wrapping always left a lot to be desired! See picture above; that is VHS tape wrapped around a present. My dad also had a vast collection of holiday music and liked to play it constantly the week of Christmas.

One of my favorite family holiday traditions on Christmas day was after all the presents were opened and prominently displayed in front of the tree (another tradition), we would go to a movie. Many big blockbusters open on Christmas day and we had fun trying to agree on which one to see. After the movie we would come home and make leftover turkey sandwiches and each have a slice of pie. Chocolate pudding for me, pumpkin for my dad, and pecan for my mom and sister.

It’s hard to believe that this will be my fourth Christmas without my parents and second with Lucas. It is very different now and for me it has lost some of the magic.

Leah and I have kept the tradition of seeing a movie on Christmas Day, followed by lunch together, just the two of us. We spend a lot of time reminiscing and looking forward too.

My in-laws have done their best to include me and my sister in their holiday, but I am looking forward to creating new traditions with Lucas and hopefully seeing some of that lost Christmas spirit shine through him.

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Show Me Something I’ve Never Seen Before

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