parenting

My Candidate

Posted on November 9, 2016 Written by Tonya

It is the day after the 2016 Presidential election and I am sad, shocked, confused, and very worried for our country.

I know I’m not alone.

The candidate I voted for, researched, supported, donated money to, believed in and admired did not win.

My candidate is tough as nails.

My candidate has withstood a constant barrage of hatred, vilification, smears, and mudslinging for 25 years. Republicans blame her for everything!

I was able to look past my candidate’s flaws and scandals. I saw a person who has spent much of her life fighting for causes that are important to me; family values, children, education and equality for ALL, especially women and minorities. She has been a champion for advancing equal opportunities for women and girls in America and around the globe, calling women’s empowerment “one of the great causes of my life.”.

This is who I want in the White House. Electing our first woman president would be an important step to ending gender inequality. And now that I am the mother of a daughter, this is imperative.

More than ever.

This country is so full of hate.

I still believe.

My candidate impressed me with her intellect, judgment, and compassion. We all know the mess she endured because of her husband’s infidelities. That was not her doing. She tried to protect her family as best she could and in the end, perhaps having her own political agenda and dreams of leading our nation from the Oval Office, stood by her man.

I took Lola with me yesterday when I went to vote bright and early and snapped a photo outside my polling location, an elementary school within walking distance of our home. Elated to finally see a woman’s name on the ballot, I proudly voted for my candidate with my daughter at my side.

I was not expecting to be emotional but I cried anyway.

I cried tears of joy because I thought we had come so far and not since Barack Obama have I cared this much about politics.

I voted for Obama in 2008 while pregnant with Lucas and rejoiced at his win while at a Madonna concert at Petco Park. That was a magical night.

Watching Decision 2016 unfold on NBC as polls closed across the country I was thrilled to see the many blue states light up. I thought my candidate had it in the bag.

I was wrong.

So many of us were wrong.

Today I believe more than half of our country is made up of ignorant ass hats.

But I digress.

As I try to honor the outcome of the election and make sense of this America we live in, I will continue to teach my children, my sweet innocent children love, kindness and tolerance. I will teach them that ALL lives matter and to use their voice. Loud and often!

Donald Trump is going to be our president.

And as Secretary Hillary Clinton said this morning in her concession speech, “we owe him an open mind and the chance to lead”.

This is really happening.

And it will be interesting to say the very least.

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The following is from The Huffington Post article, America Elected A Man Who Said ‘Grab Them By The P***y’ Over The First Female President:

Donald Trump openly bragged about using his celebrity status to sexually assault women. And multiple women accused him of actually doing so.

He said he was in favor of banning people from entering the United States based on their religion.

He believes that women he finds physically unattractive or overweight are lesser people.

He thinks that many Mexican immigrants are rapists.

He mocked people with disabilities.

He encouraged violence against protesters at his political rallies.

No Longer A Rookie

Posted on May 21, 2015 Written by Tonya

Having battled unexplained secondary infertility for over three years, I know it is completely irresponsible to say this, but anyone who has one child, really should have two.

Not only is a sibling great for teaching communication skills and learning how to share, but it also creates a built-in lifelong friendship and promotes the value of teamwork. I honestly can’t wait until my youngest, Lola is old enough to work together with her brother, Lucas to go head to head with me and my husband. I want them to plan and scheme and support one another always.

Apart from all the sibling benefits, having a second child has made me a better mother to my first.

With four-and-a-half-years between them, I am such a different, more relaxed mother to Lola than I ever was to Lucas.

With Lucas, I was such a rookie! I was anxious and worried most of the time. I tried to stick to a “schedule” as much as I could, consulted charts, tracked development and marked milestones, called his pediatrician A LOT and made sure he ate an all organic diet until he was two years old and there was never dessert. I hovered far too much. Because that’s what you do with your first. I didn’t know any different. I was going crazy trying to be a “good mom”.

With Lola, I’m WAY more at ease. I didn’t have that sense of calm with my first. I give her a lot more freedom and I know that she’s okay. In large part, my comfort is due to the four-and-a-half-years of experience I gained from Lucas. Where I was unsure the first time around, I am loving this confident mom I am becoming. And that ease has transferred to the way I am with Lucas. I’m not as rigid with him as I used to be.

I still have anxiety and worries but knowing ~~sort of~~ what to expect is so comforting, especially in these early stages. Lola is only 15 months old.

Lucas was my whole world for so long and received a lot of undivided attention before his little sister was born and I was fearful that Lola wouldn’t benefit from that, but because of the age gap, Lucas is in school five days a week for 5+ hours per day and has activities beyond that leaving Lola and I lots of bonding time. Sometimes Lucas is actually the one to get the shaft now that Lola is so young and still depends on me for all of her needs. That makes me sad, but I know it won’t also be this way. She’s growing more independent every day.

Even though my children are different from one another and I try to keep the comparisons at bay, I know that there are many obstacles ahead of us and mothering traits I haven’t even begun to tap into, I’m just happy not to be a rookie mom anymore. I’m happy to have found some self-assurance and I can only hope that both my children are benefiting from it!

Of course, ask me tomorrow and I’ll probably be pulling my hair out feeling anything but confident.

Why You Should Volunteer In Your Child’s Classroom

Posted on March 6, 2015 Written by Tonya

The smell of construction paper, crayons and glue evoke so many memories for me.

They smell like childhood.

But for me they also smell like the many hours I worked in my mother’s elementary classroom after school on weekends. She’d have me trace letters and cut them out, put together reading packets, correct homework, organize her in-class library and anything else that she needed. We’d listen to music and work the afternoon away.

Until this school year I hadn’t spent much time in an elementary classroom. They are such bright, cheerful places and in addition to the fond memories, I love volunteering in Lucas’s Kindergarten classroom! I wish every parent could take this opportunity.

For some parents the thought of volunteering in their child’s classroom is scary, but making this contribution can be very rewarding for both you and your child.

If your schedule permits, why not?

Why you should volunteer in your child’s classroom:

It makes my son’s entire week when he knows that I will be spending time in his classroom. He feels special and I know I’m sending a very positive message to him that I care about his class, his teachers, his friends and his school.

There is nothing better than getting first-hand knowledge of what is going on in your child’s class and witnessing their teacher in action.

Spending time with and getting to know the children your child spends a good part of their week with is priceless. These are his friends, maybe for life. No more blank stares or asking, “Who is Matthew again?”.

Working with other students helps you realize that your child is right where they need to be. What other classmates may be struggling with or excelling at can give you great insight into your own child’s progress.

Teachers need help! Often times after working in Lucas’s classroom I get a big hug and a thank you from Lucas’s teachers. They are grateful for my help and I always leave feeling good about myself, even if all I did was filing and cutting strips of paper.

And I defy you to spend time with a bunch of insightful, cute, silly and full of life five- and six-year-olds and not leave feeling better about our world.

Flawless

Posted on August 18, 2014 Written by Tonya

My six-month old crawls around my bathroom floor or sits in her bouncy seat as I shower, dress and get ready for the day.

I wonder what she’s thinking as I stand in front of the mirror primping and editing, grimacing at my reflection.

She tracks every movement I make completely mesmerized.

I painstakingly dry and then flatten my curly hair straight, cursing the thickness and amount.

She’s focused.

I carefully pluck stray gray hairs from my head and then tweeze my eyebrows.

She stares in awe.

I apply body lotion and eye cream.

Her gaze is wide and bright.

I examine my face with a magnification mirror, picking and squeezing at tiny black heads.

Each of my actions provide a mystery for her to solve.

I scrutinize my midsection and wonder if I’ll always have 5-10 pounds to lose.

Her curious eyes taking it all in.

This little girl is always watching and listening to what I say and do. What messages do I want her to see? What do I want her to hear? It will be years before she has to worry about any of this, but I think about it almost daily. How will I explain my own vanity to my daughter?

I’ll be honest about the work that can go into attaining feminine beauty and the pressures that are placed on even those who work at it the hardest. I’ll explain that these “pressures” are often self inflicted because of what our society says is beautiful.

I will tell her no matter how she views herself or how she thinks others are, that she is flawless.

I will stress that beauty comes from the inside no matter how many lotions and potions she uses and that less is often more.

I will try to convey that to feel beautiful and confident and accepting of herself is the key to longevity.

And I know she’ll believe me, just as soon as I do.

Explaining Homelessness To A Five-Year-Old

Posted on July 1, 2014 Written by Tonya

Wouldn’t it be extraordinary if we could shield our children from the ugliness of the world, protect them from the real bad guys, drugs, poverty, racial insensitivity, discrimination and despair, but we can’t. Try as we might, it exists.

Sometimes it’s standing on the corner of a neighborhood you frequent, staring you right in the eye, daring you to face it is as a parent, forcing you to look at it through your child’s eyes, imploring you to make better choices, to make a difference.

We saw a young woman this past weekend on the corner as we were entering the freeway, she was young, maybe mid-20s. She was holding a sign that said something like: Homeless. Need help – anything you can offer. God bless you.

We kept driving and as we did, Lucas asked what the woman was doing. He wanted to know why she was standing there and wanted to know what her sign said. We explained to her that she had no home and needed help.

You mean she has nowhere to live?

Why doesn’t she just go to the hotel and stay there?

We explained that hotels are expensive and she probably can’t afford to stay there, especially if she’s out on the street asking for money.

Why doesn’t she get a job and then she’ll have money and then she can stay at the hotel and then she won’t be homeless anymore?

We told him that there are many reasons why people are homeless; she may be trying to get a job but she can’t make enough money to stay at a hotel. She probably needs money to just eat.

If she gets a job she’ll have money and then she can eat and stay at the hotel.

We told him there could be many reasons why she can’t find a job, maybe she doesn’t have an education, maybe she’s on a lot of medications (in lieu of getting into what drugs are) that impair her brain so it isn’t working properly. We assured him that it was okay to feel sad for her and her situation.

What will she do when she does get money?

Trying to remain positive, we told him she would most likely get something to eat or find an inexpensive place to stay, like a shelter.

This went back-and-forth a little bit longer and then all of a sudden as if he realized that the concepts we were so delicately trying to explain were too hard for him to comprehend at this young age, he suggested we should talk about something else.

This isn’t the first time this has happened. Lucas is very astute and whether he realizes it or not, in many cases we answer his questions as simplistically as we can and let him dictate where the conversation goes and how it ends.

A day later, out of the blue Lucas asked me if we had money. I said yes, we have enough money to buy the things we need and some extras from time to time and then asked why he was asking. He said that seeing the woman by the freeway had made him sad and that if we have money we should have given her some. I told him that we could have bought her lunch but by giving her money she may not spend it in a way that would help her. This was way over his head. To him, she needed money and she needed a place to stay and money is the way to obtain those things. All that came out of his sweet five-year old mouth was a quiet “oh”.

How do you explain a topic so big and abstract as homelessness to young children?

How do you become part of the solution and not the problem?

How do you tell your child that you can’t hand out money to every person asking for it?

The Story Behind The Post

Posted on June 16, 2014 Written by Tonya

In case you haven’t noticed, I’m really into social media, I have a Facebook account, I tweet, share photos on Instagram and spend an exorbitant amount of time on Pinterest. I’m active and post a lot.

Two weeks ago, I was trying to get dressed, pack for a weekend out of town, and get to Lucas’s preschool by noon to pick him up early. Lola wasn’t interested in letting me do any of those things. You know how four-month olds can be. She wasn’t fussy and didn’t need anything in particular, she just seemed… bored.

After having fed her, changed her and played with her for a while, I laid her on my bed with her favorite gauzy blanket and a soft book that she enjoys chewing and as I stepped into the shower and looked over at her, I noticed that she was on her belly with an erect head watching the Today Show. I snapped a photo. I added a filter to the photo and instantly fell in love with it. I love the contrast of dark vs. light on our bed spread, I love that the TV is out of view but the remote is plainly in sight and I love how tiny she looks on our gigantic bed.

I posted this photo and status to Facebook:

At dinner the following evening, my husband, an inactive Facebook user, admitted to not having read any of the comments left on the photo, had this to say to me: “I didn’t like the careless nature of your recent Facebook post.” He wasn’t trying to start an argument and went on to explain that he knew what I was going through that morning and we’ve all been there, sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do, but doesn’t see the “need to be proud of our bad choices.” In other words, only share the good stuff.

Huh?

First I was surprised that he’d even seen it and secondly I felt attacked by his comments and was quick to justify my decision both about why I posted the photo and my comment and my parenting skills. I wasn’t trying to be defiant or controversial and I certainly wasn’t looking for approval for my actions nor a discussion about what age children should be allowed to watch television, I know our daughter is too young. Plus, I’m only human and very flawed and I can share that and be okay with it.

After we went back and forth a bit and I was able to step down off my high horse, we had a very interesting discussion about social media and I’m still thinking about it two weeks later, in particular: why do we post what we post? Or more importantly, why do I post what I post?

I post because I’m crazy lucky, think my children are darling, I’m very proud of them, love the funny and insightful things Lucas says and believe others will too, feel like every now and then I take a half decent photo (like the one above) and I like to keep family and friends near and far up to date on my little family and our lives.

Sometimes, I’ll post something simply for that “me too” factor, which was definitely the case here because I knew other moms would identify. I love it when people empathize, sympathize, agree or disagree or teach me a different perspective.

I’m not special, just a stay-at-home mom doing the best I can, trying to balance two kids, find time for myself, my marriage and family and friends. I love to travel, read, exercise and dine out. Preferably with wine and interesting company. I believe my posts reflect all of the above.

I’ll never bitch about my kids or that summer is too long or count down the days until they go back to school or that they are driving me bat shit crazy, but you better believe they do. I don’t like downer posts or complaining, but I’m not above it. I’ll throw myself under the bus. I hate vaguebooking (an intentionally vague Facebook status update, that prompts friends to ask what’s going on, or is possibly a cry for help) and I will never push my politics or religion! Ever. I like posts to be light, funny and cute. I also don’t post things to get “likes” or “shares”, but they are certainly nice.

I post for me.

I might think twice now before posting something because of my husband’s comments, but I doubt it. Our conversation did make me think about the image I want to present to the world and I’m okay showing both the good and the bad. And although we might disagree with the nature of my status updates and/or photos I choose to share, we agree on one thing: we are proud of this life from any angle.

If you are active on social media, why do you post what you do? Do you think through the ramifications if any before posting something?

Before Turning Five

Posted on May 30, 2014 Written by Tonya

I have been feeling nostalgic, extremely proud, a little sad and slightly offended by the passing of time lately. A week from today my son, my firstborn and the one who made me a mama will be turning five. Five!!

Lucas is an awesome kid with a silly sense of humor and an undying curiosity, two traits I hope he always possesses. He’s also a sweet sensitive little boy and is learning how to be more independent and how to take no for an answer.

My son had a banner year and I couldn’t possibly list all of his accomplishments (yes, this is going to be one of those posts) but I would like to share a few that stand out for me. In no particular order:

As a family we survived a nine month stint in a tiny two bedroom apartment while we searched for a house and while he mirrored my frustration with our living situation, Lucas really made the best of it and out of all of us was the most adaptable. He also served as an active participant in our home search and shared his desire for a backyard and missing his trampoline and a dedicated play area. He was patient and understanding through our moves.

Twice this year Lucas has gone through his toys and allowed us to either set some things aside for his little sister to play with someday or give items to goodwill. This is not an easy feat for children but he did it with ease and graciousness.

I will always remember this as the year Lucas went from being obsessed with Cars to being obsessed with Star Wars. We are currently up to our eyeballs in Jedi, droids and intergalactic battles. Enough said.

In January, Lucas was moved into the upper Pre-K class at his current preschool and in March was accepted into a local prestigious private school where he will begin kindergarten this fall. He was one of only 17 students out of 70 accepted! We are excited about next school year and all the new things Lucas will be exposed to.

One of Lucas and his dad’s favorite things to do together is go skateboarding and over the last year, Lucas has become proficient at it! He practices safety and caution while at the same time pushing himself and being daring in spite of a few skinned knees and elbows.

Over Memorial Day weekend, we hosted Lucas’s first sleep over and it was fun, but also a tiny glimpse into our future of being cast aside in favor of being with friends.

Just yesterday, Lucas earned a yellow belt in karate, a sport he’s only been participating in since mid-January. He’d been practicing for days, worked with a friend and his sensi to perfect the series of moves and announced on the way to class that he was ready to test. He said advancing to the next level was something that he wanted to do before turning five and he did it!

One of Lucas’s biggest accomplishments this year was becoming a big brother, a role that he seemed born to have. At only four months old, Lola idolizes him and has since the very first moment they met and he is completely enamored by her. Watching their relationship grow and develop and seeing Lucas’s nurturing side has been one of my greatest joys. I knew it would be!

Being a good sibling and working hard towards something he wants were major themes for this year and prompted a lot of discussions about what being a good role model means. I’m happy to be this amazing boy’s mom and he delights and surprises me daily. I can’t wait to see what five has in store for us.

Next up? In his words, “mastering the art of tying my shoes!”.

Lucas, my sweet boy, you have all the time in the world for that. Enjoy your last week of being four. I love you.

I’m That Mom

Posted on April 23, 2014 Written by Tonya

I have ironed my four-year-old’s shirt for school because I want him to look put together and “proper”. I’ve also let him go to school with toothpaste on his collar and a dried milk mustache.

I’ve never worn slippers to my son’s preschool but I have gone without a bra.

I’ll show up 20 minutes early to pick Lucas up on the first day back to school after Spring Break because I missed him but I’ve also (one time only!) been 13 minutes late.

I’ll make declarations that under no circumstances will I buy anything at the toy store and then cave and get something because I want to play with it too.

I make mundane chores like unloading the dishwasher and sorting laundry seem like games so that my son will help me.

I’ve left the house without diapers or bottles, but enough of Lucas’s favorite snacks to feed a small country.

I’ve handed over my phone at 6:30 in the morning so that Lucas could Angry Birds Go! and I could get a few extra minutes of sleep but I’ve also gotten up earlier than that to make chocolate croissants, pack his lunch and assemble 25 snack bags for his classmates.

I’ll make plans and promises to do something and then let my son down, but I hope I’ve also exceeded his expectations with elaborate outings, surprise play dates and fun after school arts and crafts.

I’ve chased my boy around the park playing hide-and-seek until I was sweaty and out of breath and I’ve also sat quietly on a bench and watched him navigate monkey bars and potential new friends.

I’ve lied and said I didn’t know the answer to one of his million questions and I’ve also taken the time to explain things in great detail, looked up poisonous frogs on the Internet and searched for images of Katy Perry so he could “see what she looks like”.

I’ve tucked Lucas into bed to read on his own and I’ve also kept him up past his bedtime to read all 8 newly checked out of the library books.

Parenting is full of contradictions. Some days it’s more no’s than yes’s, lots of yelling and high levels of frustration and others it’s full of synergy, connection and giggles. You win some and you lose some. My children make me weak and strong and everything in between. I hope they always feel my love.

I’m *that* mom.

The one you sometimes roll your eyes at because she seems to have everything together, all the balls are somehow magically juggling perfectly in sync and she has a total Martha Stewart thing going on or you’ve rolled your eyes and scoffed because she (and her children) appear completely clueless, disengaged and disheveled, she’s late, misses deadlines and always looks like she just rolled out of bed.

Yep, I’m *that* mom.

Aren’t you?

Dotting I’s & Crossing T’s

Posted on November 14, 2013 Written by Tonya

We’ve been reading the books, reminiscing about when he was a baby, letting him pick out onesies, answering and asking a lot of questions, visiting friends with newborns and talking about how things are going change, but no matter how hard we try to dot all the i’s and cross all the t’s, nothing can truly prepare our household for a baby or Lucas to be a big brother.

After learning from a good friend that there was such a thing as a Sibling Preparation Class, I promptly took to the Web and signed up Lucas.

I figured it couldn’t hurt for him to hear from someone other than Mommy and Daddy how to be helpful, patient and careful with his baby sister, our baby, as we call her. Lucas even got a lesson in swaddling and diaper changing.

Seeing the gleam in his eyes as he shared with the instructor how he has seen our baby doing somersaults on a computer screen in the doctor’s office made my night, but I especially loved how he suggested that someday his little sister attend a sibling class of her own so that she can learn how to be a good sibling too. My smart little firstborn.

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Day 14: Today I am thankful for my husband’s successful business, European Collectibles on PCH, a classic car dealership. It is his dream realized and our livelihood and today is celebrating its three year anniversary! #30daysofgratitude

Don’t Let Your Kids Be Litter Bugs: A Halloween PSA

Posted on October 28, 2013 Written by Tonya

I like Halloween as much as the next person; seeing children scurry from house to house in the dark screaming, “trick or treat”, indulging in a treat or six myself, marveling over people’s costume creativity and since becoming a mother, attending Lucas’ preschool Halloween parade has become a huge highlight and taking him out to beg for goodies with his friends is a lot of fun.

But, I have a teeny tiny public service announcement….

The day after Halloween last year while out walking Charlie, I picked up over 70 candy wrappers in my neighborhood. It would have been more, but I only had one bag.

I was completely appalled!

Litter attracts rodents and insects and loose garbage can make it’s way to waterways and harm fish, or birds might eat it and choke, not to mention, it’s ugly to look at.

When discussing Halloween safety, PLEASE also talk to your children about littering or better yet, have them wait to dive into their treat bags until they get home.

Thank you, be safe and have fun trick-or-treating with your little pumpkins!

My Candidate

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Flawless

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