siblings

The Strongest 23 Year Old I Know

Posted on August 13, 2013 Written by Tonya

I was 35 and it felt as though my entire world had been turned completely upside down.

Never in a million years did I expect to lose my parents before they retired, moved back to the states, or met my children and yet, I did. Both of them at the same time. What are the odds? Trust me, I have Googled it many times and can’t find statistics.

Those first few months the grief was all consuming and I felt I would literally die of a broken heart. I could not imagine moving on, but each day came and went and I made my way through the motions and I adjusted. I moved on. Mercifully, I had a new husband so the nights weren’t as scary, many supportive friends and co-workers.

I also had my sister, Leah. The only other person in the entire universe that knew exactly what I was going through.

Exactly.

While we grieve differently, Leah is much more in tune with her feelings and emotions and able to cry openly and share readily, she is always willing to talk about our parents, where as I, on the other hand, prefer to remain stoic, break down privately and only share if asked. Leah and I are also almost 12 years apart in age, but I was her support then and now.

Every now and then I shake my head in complete awe of my sister. Leah was 23 when our parents died.

23.

I will never know how difficult that was for her at that age. She was just starting her life having graduated from college only five months earlier and that is a pivotal time for anyone and certainly an important period in a young woman’s life to have her parents guidance. Not to mention, Leah and our mother were best friends, their bond was like nothing I have ever experienced.

In the past six years, Leah has flourished and grown and healed in so many ways and I should tell her more often how proud I am of her and how proud our parents would be of her too. I love you, Leah and your strength is what helps get me through.

Someday

Posted on February 7, 2013 Written by Tonya

I noticed her shocking pink swimsuit first. It had a tulle ruffle all around the middle.

Her face was angelic and eyes bright.

Her light brown hair was pulled back in high pigtails secured with white satin bows.

She inched her way into the pool, step by delicate step until she was used to the temperature.

The water was 2 1/2 feet deep but she was careful to stay only on the stairs.

She kicked and splashed with delight.

I watched her bat her eyes at my son, who I learned later is a full year older.

He was instantly and completely enamored by her. Much like his mom who couldn’t take her eyes off her plump cheeks and tiny arms.

For half and hour they blew bubbles, filled pirate ships and butterflies with water to squirt at one another, made funny faces and giggled.

Soon we were introduced to her older brother and the three of them played together and negotiated for five more minutes at least twice.

Finally bidding farewell, we promised to meet again the following week.

Later on our car ride home, Lucas’ skin waterlogged and eyes droopy with exhaustion, he asked me for a little sister.

My heart sank as I barely mustered, “Someday, buddy.”

My Big Girl

Posted on January 8, 2013 Written by Tonya

Cam of Growing Up Goofy is a lover of all things Disney and just about as sweet as can be. She is my guest today with a letter to her eldest daughter, Emma about being a big sister and growing up way too fast.

Dear Emma,

You’ve been a big sister now for nine months. We’ve had good days, and bad. Like you, I’m struggling with how to split my time between you and your sister. I’m desperately trying to find the balance. For the most part, we’ve done well. However, it’s the days I find you in your room, sitting quietly on your bed, and a tear running down your face, that I question my abilities to mother two children at the same time.

I know this year hasn’t been easy for you. For the first three months, I was bed-ridden while we waited for your sister to arrive. You were shuffled off to play dates, extra school days, and heard a lot of NO’s. It broke my heart that I couldn’t spend more time with you. I had so many plans for just us. Mommy and Emma time that didn’t happen. It was hard enough for me to understand. But you’re only four years old; I can only imagine the confusion you felt.

Here we are, 275 days into our family of four, and the one person who has been consistent is you. I’ve learned so much from you. Even at such a young age, you have an old soul. You are patient and kind to your sister. You hold her hand when she cries. You cover her up when her blanket falls to the side. You shield her from the sun that is shining in her face. It makes my heart swell to hear you say “I love you Addie,” and you do it often. Today, I caught you whispering it to her in her ear. You make her laugh like no one else can. I relish these moments.

We’ve had fewer tears recently. You are thriving at school and can’t wait to be five and go to big kid school. I am happy for you, but my heart hurts knowing that you are growing up way too fast. I love the moments where you’ll let me hold you tight, because I know they will come to an end.

Thank you for being my big girl and showing me what it’s like to be selfless. Addie is lucky to have you as a big sister, we are blessed beyond words to have you as our daughter.

Love,
Mamma

Follow Cam on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and Pinterest.

Home Movies

Posted on December 28, 2012 Written by Tonya

The year: 1986

The location: Banjul, The Gambia, West Africa

The cast: A family of four: mother (37), father (39), eldest daughter (15), youngest daughter (2).

The scene: Christmas morning, parents wake their daughters and the family is soon gathered around a sparsely decorated tree in the corner of their living room. Holiday music plays in the background.

With a messy head of curls, the littlest daughter squeals with delight upon descending the stairs realizing Santa has visited.

Gifts are distributed and opened. For the teenager with Sun-In bleached hair and nails chewed down to the quick, a necklace, Lady Stetson perfume and a Kodak Disc camera. For the toddler, a remote control puppy that yaps throughout the morning, baby doll clothes, a bright yellow toy camera and a Barbie doll pink starter vanity set.

Biscuits smothered with butter and jam are nibbled, as are Santa’s left over cookies. The familiar sound of a diet Dr. Pepper being cracked open can be heard at one point.

The conversation is faint, but there is laughter and smiles.

A video camera sits across the room on a coffee table and records the entire scene. The quality is fuzzy, but the memory is rich.

I was mesmerized as I watched 43 minutes of one family’s Christmas morning.

My family.

My sister had eight VHS home movies transferred to DVD for me for Christmas this year and the scene described above was one of them. Thank you, Leah for such an incredible and thoughtful gift. I will always treasure these home movies.

Especially For Lucas

Posted on March 7, 2012 Written by Tonya

My heart is full and I am so grateful for my life and count my lucky stars that I have Lucas.

But, there are times I want another baby so much it hurts.

I’ve written about this once before.

Reluctantly.

But there is no denying my feelings.

I am trying to stay positive and hopeful throughout our journey, through every heartbreaking and disappointing twist and turn and I have learned that some days positivity is not quite enough.

I do, however, remain hopeful.

Hope has to be enough.

I want another child for me, for our family and especially for Lucas.

He would be so good with a little baby brother or sister. I think having another member of our family would teach him more about family, love and patience than his father or I ever could.

Having a sibling would provide him not only a playmate, but someone to share his memories with and someone to grow up along side.

I waited almost 12 years for my sister and it was nine years too long, in my opinion. I can’t imagine having any other sister, but I wish that we had shared more time at home together under the same roof. I wish that we had grown up together. I want that for Lucas.

I keep thinking about all the babies we’ve lost, the disappointments we’ve had over the last two years and how when it is my time to bring another life into this world, it will be the one that was meant for us, the family member we were meant to have and the sibling that was made especially for Lucas.

And I think how fortunate that baby will be; already have three people waiting with open arms and so much love to shower them with.

Three Become Four

Posted on January 18, 2012 Written by Tonya

I am uncertain how or when it will happen, but we are working on it.

In the meantime, I can’t suppress the visions I have of Lucas being an older brother.

I am trying to enjoy right now, the time that I am able to devote solely to my first born, the time that includes just the three of us. I hope Lucas will remember this time too.

But, I do see him playfully bantering with a little sister or brother, invading their space and pushing buttons just to get a rise out them.

I see the sweat glistening on the two of their foreheads as they collapse in giggles on the couch after a long summer’s afternoon in the backyard.

I see him reaching out to grab her hand as we cross the street and nodding to me as if to say, “I’ll take care of her”.

I see him letting her win a round of Go Fish or Checkers, because that’s what big brothers do.

I can hear the two of them pleading with me and their dad to let them stay up just a little longer because they are having too much fun to go to bed yet.

I see him helping his kid sister open a jar of jam for her toast as they rush around the kitchen trying to out the door for school.

I see him gently brushing the hair out of her eyes and a tear from her cheek after her first major heart break and then immediately vowing to kick the boy’s ass who did it.

I see the four of us sitting around our dining room sharing our highs and lows of the day, always supporting, sometimes challenging and deeply loving one another.

I would like to think that they’ll be close, my children; that they will gang up on their father and I as we vote on family vacation destinations, where to order take out, the naming of our pets and which movies to watch together. I hope that they will be there for one another in good times and in bad. Especially the bad.

Three become four.

I am uncertain how or when it will happen, but we are working on it…

To My Sister

Posted on October 11, 2011 Written by Tonya

If you don’t know who Jessica of My Time As Mom is, you must be living under a rock.

It truly is as simple as that.

First of all, she has a wonderful blog, is ALWAYS! on Twitter, is a Social Media Specialist for Eli Rose and co-founder of Vlog Talk, a weekly vlog meme. On top of all that, she is a killer Scrabble player ( speaking as the opponent who ass she kicks all the time) and is the kindest and most helpful person I probably have ever encountered.

I am so happy to have Jessica here today sharing a letter to her sister, Victoria.

To My Sister,

We have always been opposites.

From our hair to our shoes to our personalities.

The expressions salt and pepper and night and day have been used to describe us many times.

We have had our ups and downs in life.

We have laughed over stupid jokes and mom’s hair.

We have cried over the loss of family members and other things that I can’t remember.

We went many months without speaking to each other.

But we have always been sisters.

And we will always be sisters.

I know we don’t talk as often as we should and I don’t tell you I love enough.

But I do and my life wouldn’t be the same without you.

Although if I was you, I would recommend that you not listen to me the next time I tell you to shove a sock in your mouth.

The Perfect Playmate

Posted on September 22, 2011 Written by Tonya

Parents of an unruly two year old desperately seek playmate for their son.

Applicants must be easy going, polite, capable of patiently waiting for their turn, can take “no” for an answer and always pick up their toys when asked. Assistance and guidance will be provided as needed.

Interested parties are expected to challenge our son in such a way that he won’t know what hit him by forcing him to share his toys, books, dessert, crayons, photo ops, Christmas mornings, family vacations, doting parents and possibly clothes.

If applicant is male, he must be willing to share a room and wear hand-me-downs (see above), if applicant is female, she should be able to live with pink toile and either way, should be comfortable forever being known as “the baby”.

A cuddler is preferred but not mandatory.

As the “terrible twos” and maybe even threes (God, help us) subside, candidates should be able to look up to their big brother with admiration, respect, jealousy, animosity and love, all in equal measure. I assure you, he will do the same for you, as well as help guide and protect you. Our hope is that the two of you will become and remain the best of friends.

Although we are not picky, please note that we have been waiting a long time to find the perfect playmate for our son, but know the end of our search is drawing near and believe our home and hearts are open and ready for one more; one more little heart and soul to love and care for, one more set of hands to hold and life to share. We promise to love you as much as our first, but please hurry!

This post is was written for Write on Edge’s writing meme, Red Writing Hood. This week’s prompt: Write a 300 word (or less) personal ad. Constructive criticism is welcome.

Dear Baby Girl

Posted on September 20, 2011 Written by Tonya

Robin is one of my favorite writers and her blog, Farewell, Stranger is one I never miss. Robin’s writing is raw and thoughtful and eloquent. I have devoured every word of her brave journey through postpartum depression and especially love her posts about her three-year-old son, Connor, who could be the Canadian version of Lucas.

I had the pleasure of rooming with Robin the first night of BlogHer ’11 and we stayed up until after 2:00 AM talking. To say that I hope we get another opportunity to do that again someday would be an understatement.

I am so pleased to have Robin here today with a letter to her baby girl. Confused? Keep reading….

Dear Baby Girl,

For a few months now Connor has been talking about his baby sister.

“I’m going to have a baby sister,” he said one day.

“When my baby sister comes, I’m going to teach her how to paint,” he informed me a couple of weeks ago. He was wrist deep in watercolor paint at the time, and the image of the two of you creating art together nearly made me cry (which surely would have smeared my own amateur work of art).

One day I asked him when his baby sister was coming.

“On Friday,” he said, his voice confident and sure.

I laughed of course, because he seems to be under the impression we merely have to order a baby and go to the hospital to pick it up. (It’s Grandma’s fault, because when he asked her recently where babies come from she took the admittedly smart approach and told him they grow in the mommy’s tummy and then you go to the hospital to get them.)

I wish it were that easy. If we could have you with us on Friday, I’d leave for the hospital right now and wait in happy anticipation.

That’s not how it works, sadly, but I’m intrigued that your three-year-old brother is so sure you’re coming to live with us.

Nine years ago, when we bought our first house and it was being built, your dad and I stood on the ground outside with nothing but the skeleton of a house surrounding us and thought about what it would be like to live there. It was getting dark – the sun was going down in the hills to the east, and I could see footprints in the dirt beneath us from the workers who had been there that day.

Suddenly I had an image in my mind, clear as a photograph, of our family. Four of us – your dad and I, a boy and a girl. I dismissed it as a silly dream or wishful thinking and didn’t even mention it to your dad at the time. It was too much like picturing the “perfect” family.

I actually always imagined I’d have a girl first, so when your brother came along I was surprised. And that led me to wonder whether maybe my quickly-dismissed vision from that long ago day wasn’t in fact worth paying attention to.

Your dad and I had never really talked to Connor about having another baby. He just started talking about it on his own, and has mentioned his “little sister” to Grandma as well. None of his good friends have little sisters – they’re all little brothers – so I really don’t know where he got the idea.

Maybe he knows something we don’t. I sure hope so, because our family isn’t complete yet and I’d be very happy if you’d come and join us.

Love,

Mama

P.S. If you turn out to be a boy, that’s okay too.

Silence

Posted on April 14, 2011 Written by Tonya

It had been five years.

Five years of old wounds, words left unexpressed, tears and pride.

Five years with zero communication.

No I hope you are smiling today text messages, no family photos were e-mailed, no three hour phone calls just because, no humorous you’ll always be older birthday cards or holiday greetings. There were no weekend visits or three glasses of wine long lunches.

Silence.

Regret.

Loss.

It was as if their connection, their friendship never even existed.

One

Two

Three rings

Part of her was relieved when she saw the name appear on her phone screen, although, it was after midnight. What a strange time to choose to extend an olive branch she thought.

The name she saw illuminated in the dark was one that had crossed her mind so many times as she wondered how the person who it belonged to was doing. She would always silently send love and light and then would go on about her day.

She was relieved to see the name now because at last, the ice had been broken and she was grateful that she hadn’t had been the one to take the first step.

She was angry too. At herself. She should have been the bigger person, she should be the one reaching out.

Lastly, she was surprised that the name and number were still stored in her phone. But, then again of course they were.

Four

Five

Six rings.

Letting the call go to voice mail would be the easiest course of action and the most cowardly.

She turned on the lamp on the bedside table, took a deep breath and answered the call.

Before she could say a word, she heard:

“Hello, I’m Sean.”
Who? Was he crying?

“You don’t know me. I’m your sister’s husband.
What the hell? She got married?! I suppose a lot can happen in five years.

I’m using her phone. I, um found your number in her contacts.”
She still has my number in her phone too.

“Okay?”

There was a long pause and a very heavy sigh and somehow she knew that the next words out of his mouth would change her life forever.

“Well, you see, um, there has been an accident. She didn’t make it.”

“What?”

“Your sister and our daughter died tonight in a car accident. I thought you should know.”

Silence.

Regret.

Loss.

Nothing would keep me from talking to my sister! This post is fiction and was written for The Red Dress Club’s writing assignment, Red Writing Hood. This week’s prompt was to write a piece surrounding the following details: In the middle of the night, you get an urgent call from a friend you haven’t talked to in years. Something terrible has happened. What is it and why is he/she calling you?

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The Strongest 23 Year Old I Know

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