a mother’s guilt

My Candidate

Posted on November 9, 2016 Written by Tonya

It is the day after the 2016 Presidential election and I am sad, shocked, confused, and very worried for our country.

I know I’m not alone.

The candidate I voted for, researched, supported, donated money to, believed in and admired did not win.

My candidate is tough as nails.

My candidate has withstood a constant barrage of hatred, vilification, smears, and mudslinging for 25 years. Republicans blame her for everything!

I was able to look past my candidate’s flaws and scandals. I saw a person who has spent much of her life fighting for causes that are important to me; family values, children, education and equality for ALL, especially women and minorities. She has been a champion for advancing equal opportunities for women and girls in America and around the globe, calling women’s empowerment “one of the great causes of my life.”.

This is who I want in the White House. Electing our first woman president would be an important step to ending gender inequality. And now that I am the mother of a daughter, this is imperative.

More than ever.

This country is so full of hate.

I still believe.

My candidate impressed me with her intellect, judgment, and compassion. We all know the mess she endured because of her husband’s infidelities. That was not her doing. She tried to protect her family as best she could and in the end, perhaps having her own political agenda and dreams of leading our nation from the Oval Office, stood by her man.

I took Lola with me yesterday when I went to vote bright and early and snapped a photo outside my polling location, an elementary school within walking distance of our home. Elated to finally see a woman’s name on the ballot, I proudly voted for my candidate with my daughter at my side.

I was not expecting to be emotional but I cried anyway.

I cried tears of joy because I thought we had come so far and not since Barack Obama have I cared this much about politics.

I voted for Obama in 2008 while pregnant with Lucas and rejoiced at his win while at a Madonna concert at Petco Park. That was a magical night.

Watching Decision 2016 unfold on NBC as polls closed across the country I was thrilled to see the many blue states light up. I thought my candidate had it in the bag.

I was wrong.

So many of us were wrong.

Today I believe more than half of our country is made up of ignorant ass hats.

But I digress.

As I try to honor the outcome of the election and make sense of this America we live in, I will continue to teach my children, my sweet innocent children love, kindness and tolerance. I will teach them that ALL lives matter and to use their voice. Loud and often!

Donald Trump is going to be our president.

And as Secretary Hillary Clinton said this morning in her concession speech, “we owe him an open mind and the chance to lead”.

This is really happening.

And it will be interesting to say the very least.

——————————————————

The following is from The Huffington Post article, America Elected A Man Who Said ‘Grab Them By The P***y’ Over The First Female President:

Donald Trump openly bragged about using his celebrity status to sexually assault women. And multiple women accused him of actually doing so.

He said he was in favor of banning people from entering the United States based on their religion.

He believes that women he finds physically unattractive or overweight are lesser people.

He thinks that many Mexican immigrants are rapists.

He mocked people with disabilities.

He encouraged violence against protesters at his political rallies.

Taking Care Of Business

Posted on August 10, 2016 Written by Tonya

It’s a leap of fate starting a business, there is also a very, very steep learning curve and things pop up almost daily that you never thought would. Decisions to be made, records to keep, documents to create, meetings, brainstorming sessions, strategy, and expenses. So. many. expenses. But here we are, Take Flight Social Media Consulting is almost 6 months old!!

We had a business plan by mid-February, took on our first client March 1, filed for an LLC March 22, launched our website April 5 and became “Facebook official” April 7.

We have worked with 11 clients to date and currently have eight on our roster.

I learn something new almost every day and thrive from trying to balance all my different roles. It’s definitely a juggling act. I misstep on occasion, but today, all the balls are in the air.

Things I didn’t know I’d love about having my own business. Also known as, things I’ll never take for granted:

Choosing an awesome business partner, who shares your vision, work ethic and is always a friend first. I’m so glad we are in this together, Nichole!
Reliable Wi-Fi. Duh.
Excepting help when offered and knowing when to ask for it.
Supportive husbands and families.
All. the. caffeine.
Dry shampoo.
Voxer.
Amazing friends who send business our way and cheer us on because they genuinely want us to be successful.
Clients that let us do you what we’ve promised.
Asking for what we’re worth!!
Taking on the risk and reaping the rewards.
~~Slowly~~ paying off our investor.
Karma.
Sundays. Sundays are sacred. Sundays are for family.

Things I’ve done while owning my own business that I’m not so proud of:

Held conference calls in the car, bathroom (with the mute button on, of course!), grocery store, car pool, parking lots, my closet, dressing rooms, etc.
Produced eight pens from my purse at any given time.
Gone through the Starbucks drive-thru just so I can respond to an email.
Been in jammies and not brushed my teeth until way past noon.
Let my children watch way too much TV on the days they are both home with me. Mommy guilt, much?
Manically checked and rechecked my phone and email for likes, engagements, notes from clients or potential clients after having delivered a killer proposal.
Told a client I didn’t care for their product. Gulp. They took it pretty well, considering.

The list of things I’ve done that I am proud of far exceeds the above list. I never thought I’d be here at all, but it has been an amazing ride and I have enjoyed every minute. I love what I do, who I do it with and I’m eager to see where the next six months take us!

“Your reputation is more important than your paycheck, and your integrity is worth more than your career.”

– Ryan Freitas, About.me co-founder

Save

For Now

Posted on December 15, 2015 Written by Tonya

The world is a scary place.

And it is getting scarier everyday.

Just this morning, The Los Angeles Unified School District shut all schools after receiving a “rare threat” from an overseas email account.

Sometimes I stand over my sleeping babies and weep.

What have I done bringing them into such a place?

These tiny humans have no idea what is going on in the world.

They know nothing of terrorist attacks, mass shootings, discrimination, or hate.

For now.

But they will.

In their rooms late at night is the place I feel the safest.

They are okay, their worlds are in tact. They are unaware.

For now.

Carefully I kiss their cheeks, brush the hair from their faces and breathe in their innocence.

I quietly hope for a better world for them as I tiptoe out of their rooms.

A world with more tolerance, more understanding and more love. A lot more love.

My six-year-old gets it.

For now.

My Candidate

Frozen: Six Options

Posted on August 16, 2015 Written by Tonya

My six-year-old son doesn’t remember hanging out with me for countless hours in our fertility doctor’s waiting room.

Much more patient than I ever was, I might add.

He doesn’t recall the separate, much smaller waiting area for patients who already have children.

He has no memory of the kind nurses, physician’s assistants, lab technicians, doctors or receptionists who knew him by name, gushed over his long eyelashes and offered him lollipops every time he visited.

He doesn’t recollect his father administering the twice daily shots of progesterone in the fleshy part of my hips or the heparin shots I’d give myself in my belly or the handful of pills I would take as we practiced his counting.

I’m grateful that Lucas doesn’t remember our struggle to give him a sibling, but I do. Just like it was yesterday.

And when he wistfully asks when I am going to have another baby, my heart aches and I am taken aback.

There are also times when it is just the two of us and his little sister is being cared for so we can do “big kid stuff” and he’ll announce unabashedly, “I really love Lola but I am so glad she isn’t with us right now”. Once again, my heart aches and I am taken aback.

It is no secret that our daughter, Lola is an IVF baby.

A miracle baby.

But aren’t they all?

After struggling with secondary infertility for over three years; having six miscarriages, countless failed natural cycles, IUIs and one failed IVF, our second attempt at IVF worked!

Of the five eggs retrieved, three fertilized but only two were good after PGD (pre-implantation genetic diagnosis).

A boy and a girl.

The girl became Lola.

The other embryo is still frozen.

Typically two embryos are transferred increasing the odds of conception or attaching to the uterine wall, but in my case, my fertility doctor’s statistics were better with patients with my history and age to only transfer one embryo.

All it takes is one!

Thinking pessimistically, I thought we would fail again and try to use the second one right away, but instead we succeeded!

We were lucky.

And now we have an embryo on ice.

The boy.

It costs roughly $350 per year to store.

We have six options and please trust that this is a deeply personal decision, a moral and ethical decision and there is so much more to each and every one of these options than what I have shared here. It is weighting heavily on my mind and heart and so I write about it. Because that is what works for me.

I’m also not looking for advice or a solution.

It will come to us, my husband and I.

In time.

Throughout this process, I realize that the further away from my fertility struggle I get, it is still there, front and center, ready for access.

Six Options:

1. Transfer. It works and we go from a family of four to a family of five. Of course, I just turned 43 and my husband is already 43 and our family feels perfect just the way it is. This option also involves a heavy dose of fertility medications and doctors visits throughout the pregnancy. Due to my age, I’m already considered high-risk and given my struggles in the past, I will see a perinatologist beginning at 12 weeks, if not sooner. A very small price to pay for an addition to our family, but must be considered nonetheless. Can my body go through all that again? I still have bruises from my pregnancy with Lola, who is a year and a half! Are we naive to think everything will work out as well? And let’s say we make it full term, what would our family of five look like? What if this third child needed additional care of one sort or the other? So many questions.

2. Transfer. It doesn’t work and we grieve the loss and move on the best way we can.

3. Donate. We know the fertility struggle all too well and would love to help a couple or family have a child or another child. Sounds simple enough and completely altruistic, but dealing with the fact that our “son” is out there somewhere could be more than we can bear.

4. Put the embryo up for adoption. Yes, you really can do this, but again see above. Plus, I doubt either of us could ever accept payment for our embryo.

5. Discard. At this moment in time, time option is out of the question. I simply do not have the heart or strength for this. And I probably never will.

6. Store. Continue paying storage fees until the end of time.

Option 6 it is.

For now.

We have decided to table our decision for six months.

According to the National Embryo Donation Center, an estimated 600,000 unused embryos are currently frozen in clinics throughout the country.

Last year, doctors at IVF clinics performed more than 165,000 treatments — more than ever before.

Just The Two Of Us

Posted on August 19, 2014 Written by Tonya

I began daydreaming about a mother/son trip when I first saw the Expedia Find Your Storybook advertisement on TV. The one where the mother is reading her son a bedtime story and simultaneously on an awesome adventure with him.

…where villages floated on water and castles were houses, dragons lurked and giants stood tall and the good queen showed the boy it could all be real.

And then Lucas and I started butting heads.

Bad!

He’s five, so not listening, pushing my buttons and being defiant come with the territory. But I know that there’s more to it than that because when it’s just the two of us, he’s super.

Lucas has been very patient and understanding of my now divided time between him and his six-month-old sister but he doesn’t quite understand how much his Lola truly needs me right now.

I get it.

He misses me and being the center of my attention and this has been demonstrated by him asking more than once, “Can’t we leave Lola at home and go do something, just you and me?”.

Sigh.

I miss him too.

It has been particularly challenging now that it’s summer and he is not in school for a large portion of the day. We play a game of Uno or Connect Four in between diaper changes and bottle feedings. I’m constantly running back in the house to listen for cries while I should be focused on our game of Ring Toss in the backyard.

We’ve had some awesome mother/son dates, which for some reason are growing increasingly harder to schedule and since it’s summer, I really want to make an impact, leave an impression, do something grand with my son. And yes, put the mommy guilt at bay for a while.

So, with only two more weeks of vacation, what better time to get away, just the two of us? I’m hoping our mother/son trip becomes an annual tradition. This year we are tackling Chicago and leave Thursday. Lucas and I are both bursting with excitement over getting away and creating our own adventure, one that will include Navy Pier, Millennium Park, The Shedd Aquarium and deep dish pizza all without his little sister.

The idea of visiting the Windy City came from my desire to go there and all that it offers children. I’ve been to Chicago several times and I’m looking forward to seeing it through the eyes of my son.

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Explaining Homelessness To A Five-Year-Old

Posted on July 1, 2014 Written by Tonya

Wouldn’t it be extraordinary if we could shield our children from the ugliness of the world, protect them from the real bad guys, drugs, poverty, racial insensitivity, discrimination and despair, but we can’t. Try as we might, it exists.

Sometimes it’s standing on the corner of a neighborhood you frequent, staring you right in the eye, daring you to face it is as a parent, forcing you to look at it through your child’s eyes, imploring you to make better choices, to make a difference.

We saw a young woman this past weekend on the corner as we were entering the freeway, she was young, maybe mid-20s. She was holding a sign that said something like: Homeless. Need help – anything you can offer. God bless you.

We kept driving and as we did, Lucas asked what the woman was doing. He wanted to know why she was standing there and wanted to know what her sign said. We explained to her that she had no home and needed help.

You mean she has nowhere to live?

Why doesn’t she just go to the hotel and stay there?

We explained that hotels are expensive and she probably can’t afford to stay there, especially if she’s out on the street asking for money.

Why doesn’t she get a job and then she’ll have money and then she can stay at the hotel and then she won’t be homeless anymore?

We told him that there are many reasons why people are homeless; she may be trying to get a job but she can’t make enough money to stay at a hotel. She probably needs money to just eat.

If she gets a job she’ll have money and then she can eat and stay at the hotel.

We told him there could be many reasons why she can’t find a job, maybe she doesn’t have an education, maybe she’s on a lot of medications (in lieu of getting into what drugs are) that impair her brain so it isn’t working properly. We assured him that it was okay to feel sad for her and her situation.

What will she do when she does get money?

Trying to remain positive, we told him she would most likely get something to eat or find an inexpensive place to stay, like a shelter.

This went back-and-forth a little bit longer and then all of a sudden as if he realized that the concepts we were so delicately trying to explain were too hard for him to comprehend at this young age, he suggested we should talk about something else.

This isn’t the first time this has happened. Lucas is very astute and whether he realizes it or not, in many cases we answer his questions as simplistically as we can and let him dictate where the conversation goes and how it ends.

A day later, out of the blue Lucas asked me if we had money. I said yes, we have enough money to buy the things we need and some extras from time to time and then asked why he was asking. He said that seeing the woman by the freeway had made him sad and that if we have money we should have given her some. I told him that we could have bought her lunch but by giving her money she may not spend it in a way that would help her. This was way over his head. To him, she needed money and she needed a place to stay and money is the way to obtain those things. All that came out of his sweet five-year old mouth was a quiet “oh”.

How do you explain a topic so big and abstract as homelessness to young children?

How do you become part of the solution and not the problem?

How do you tell your child that you can’t hand out money to every person asking for it?

I’m That Mom

Posted on April 23, 2014 Written by Tonya

I have ironed my four-year-old’s shirt for school because I want him to look put together and “proper”. I’ve also let him go to school with toothpaste on his collar and a dried milk mustache.

I’ve never worn slippers to my son’s preschool but I have gone without a bra.

I’ll show up 20 minutes early to pick Lucas up on the first day back to school after Spring Break because I missed him but I’ve also (one time only!) been 13 minutes late.

I’ll make declarations that under no circumstances will I buy anything at the toy store and then cave and get something because I want to play with it too.

I make mundane chores like unloading the dishwasher and sorting laundry seem like games so that my son will help me.

I’ve left the house without diapers or bottles, but enough of Lucas’s favorite snacks to feed a small country.

I’ve handed over my phone at 6:30 in the morning so that Lucas could Angry Birds Go! and I could get a few extra minutes of sleep but I’ve also gotten up earlier than that to make chocolate croissants, pack his lunch and assemble 25 snack bags for his classmates.

I’ll make plans and promises to do something and then let my son down, but I hope I’ve also exceeded his expectations with elaborate outings, surprise play dates and fun after school arts and crafts.

I’ve chased my boy around the park playing hide-and-seek until I was sweaty and out of breath and I’ve also sat quietly on a bench and watched him navigate monkey bars and potential new friends.

I’ve lied and said I didn’t know the answer to one of his million questions and I’ve also taken the time to explain things in great detail, looked up poisonous frogs on the Internet and searched for images of Katy Perry so he could “see what she looks like”.

I’ve tucked Lucas into bed to read on his own and I’ve also kept him up past his bedtime to read all 8 newly checked out of the library books.

Parenting is full of contradictions. Some days it’s more no’s than yes’s, lots of yelling and high levels of frustration and others it’s full of synergy, connection and giggles. You win some and you lose some. My children make me weak and strong and everything in between. I hope they always feel my love.

I’m *that* mom.

The one you sometimes roll your eyes at because she seems to have everything together, all the balls are somehow magically juggling perfectly in sync and she has a total Martha Stewart thing going on or you’ve rolled your eyes and scoffed because she (and her children) appear completely clueless, disengaged and disheveled, she’s late, misses deadlines and always looks like she just rolled out of bed.

Yep, I’m *that* mom.

Aren’t you?

No Guilt

Posted on March 27, 2014 Written by Tonya

After I made lunch for Lucas and got him off to school, I didn’t do anything productive. Not a damn thing.

I didn’t walk the dog.

I didn’t unload the dish washer.

I didn’t change the sheets or even make the beds.

I didn’t tackle the laundry.

I didn’t take a shower (I did brush my teeth!).

I didn’t pick up toys or other misplaced items.

I didn’t make it to the grocery store. Or dry cleaner. Or bank. Or gas station.

I didn’t return any phone calls.

I didn’t make any appointments.

There was no TV watching.

There was no reading.

There was no lunching with friends.

There was no meal planning.

There was no guilt.

It wasn’t a productive day but it was a great day!

Smiley girl – 7 weeks

I Don’t Know How To Play

Posted on September 17, 2013 Written by Tonya

I’m a terrible mother because the three words I loathe the most are: play with me, especially when strung together repeated and delivered in a whinny four year old voice.

I will go round after round and even let him win sometimes at Junior Scrabble, UNO and Connect Four, in fact I love games!

I will ask 20 questions, trying to figure out what he spies with his little blue eyes.

I will search high and low for gel food dye to add to shaving cream to smear all over the shower stall, bend and twist pipe cleaners, clean up glitter and tiny pieces of construction paper and attempt to draw anything he asks me to.

I will create a playlist of his favorite Top 40 hits and have a dance party in our living room.

I will spend hours at Disneyland, California Adventure, Knott’s Berry Farm, Sea World and Legoland with him by my side waiting patiently to go on each and every ride he desires.

I will push him on swings, play hide-and-seek and time him on his scooter as he makes loop after loop around the park.

I will load the car with sand toys, sunscreen and towels in order to to spend the afternoon at the beach building castles, hunting for shells and chasing seagulls.

I will take him to Target knowing full well I’ll be spending most of our trip in the toy aisle agonizing over Cars, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and other items he has, wants or needs.

I will learn all his favorite characters names and let him quiz me on them.

I will carefully pre-measure ingredients for him to add to bowls and let him try using the mixer on low so he can “help” me bake a cake.

I will pack his backpack with his beloved snacks and activities and take him on many trips to visit family in the Bay Area.

I will read him any of the dozens of books we own over and over all day long.

I will take him to the latest kids movie where we share the biggest bag of popcorn they sell.

I will send mothers I don’t know notes asking if their sons would enjoy coming to our home to spend time with my son.

I will make up silly songs, perform puppet shows with no real story lines and do just about anything to make Lucas smile or laugh.

There are tons of things I will do with my son and thoroughly enjoy, but playing with him is not one of them.

Pushing cars around the floor and having “races” is not fun for me.

I don’t know how to be a ninja and I hate holding toys or stuffed animals in my hand making them have conversations with one another.

It’s not that I feel silly or stupid, I’m just not good at pretending. I think maybe I was once… I loved playing with Barbies but not anymore and I feel guilty because I hear “play with me” A LOT!! And too many times my response is, “let’s go to the park!”.

Do you know how to play with your children? Please tell me I’m not alone in my guilt.

And Still…

Posted on July 30, 2013 Written by Tonya

Our day started much too early.

That’s no excuse.

Play with me.

I was short.

I was preoccupied. With what? My “To Do” list for the day? The thoughts in my head? The laundry? It could all wait. Facebook status updates? Who really cares? The latest move in my Words With Friends game? Please.

Can we go the park?

Too hot.

The beach then!?!

Too much work.

Let’s play Go Fish!

Ugh.

What about Candyland or Connect Four? Uno?

Double ugh!

Why do dogs have tails? Can I paint my finger nails sometime? When can I have gum? What’s your new favorite color? When are we going to see my cousins again? Do I have school tomorrow? What about the day after? Are airplanes or trains faster? Can I have a snack? Why don’t we have strawberries? Can you buy some? Do you know where my Francesco is?

Oh. My. God. The never ending questions!

I was tired and it wasn’t even 9:00 AM. What am I going to do with this kid for the next 10 hours?

Mom, watch this!

I doled out simple tasks to keep him busy. I asked him to line up his cars, help me unload the dryer, throw this away, take that to the other room, let the dog out of his crate, etc.

Peace and quiet in two minute increments.

Can I watch a show?

One show turned into six. Three hours of television. That’s at least two more hours of screen time than we like him to have on a daily basis. My ultimate personal definition of bad/lazy/neglectful parenting.

Mom, sit with me.

It was an extremely long day; one where the minutes deliberately ticked by and mocked me. I couldn’t help but stare at the clock and will time to move forward.

My husband got home and mercifully took over as I busied myself in the kitchen washing up dinner dishes and beating myself up.

And still…. even though I was feeling incredibly guilty, but knowing the next day would be different, knowing I would have another chance to be better, knowing the promise that comes with a new day, what does my sweet son say to me when I kiss him goodnight?

You are the best mommy in the whole world.

Tears.

My Candidate

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