annoyances

Being Human

Posted on December 3, 2011 Written by Tonya

This week I received two birth announcements, learned that three friends are newly pregnant and to really rub it in, a darling new baby boutique just opened down the street from my house. Don’t even get me started on the Duggar’s.

Seriously, it is enough to push me right over the edge, but I won’t let it.

This year I suffered two miscarriages, my third and fourth, one in January and one in November. The latter was via IVF. Nice way to bookend the year, huh?

I’m allowed to be a little edgy, aren’t I?

Before this gets too ranty, I am truly happy for my friends and their new little bundles of joy and very excited for the others that are anticipating their second, third and FOURTH children.

I am also more grateful than words could ever express for my son, Lucas. He is a gift and some days I think if it weren’t for his smiling little face, I don’t know what I would do.

And to set the record straight, I don’t really feel as though anything is being “rubbed in my face”. Not intentionally anyway. Good news is meant to be shared and I love good news!

I have a deeper respect for my friend Coreen, who called to tell me about her new addition personally. Thank you, Coreen, I’m wishing you nothing but the best. xoxo

I’m just sad and frustrated and confused and completely inpatient. Not to mention, angry at my body’s unwillingness to cooperate one more time. I’m only human and I know that my feelings are normal, but DAMN IT, I hate that I have them. I hate that I feel like a failure. I hate not knowing what’s wrong, I hate the aging process and what it does to your reproductive system, I hate having my nerves on full alert, I hate doctor’s offices, shots, blood draws, waiting, worrying [please stop me anytime], but I mostly hate grieving for someone I’ve never even met.

HOWEVER, at the end of the day I remain hopeful and I know someday, somehow, I will have good news of my own to share.

If I Could…

Posted on November 27, 2011 Written by Tonya

Everyone in my house has been sick for weeks.

Nothing more serious than colds, but the lingering cough has become beyond annoying.

Poor Lucas has suffered the longest and I feel terrible for him. His sleep is disrupted and play time hindered.

His life would greatly improve if he could only blow his tiny little nose.

We run a humidifier at night and have gone through a tub of Vicks VapoRub.

Like every mother, I don’t want my son to suffer from anything. Ever. And if I could, I’d take away his cough.

I would also make sure he never had a blister, ice cream headache, pimple, paper cut, cold sore, food poisoning, heart burn, hiccups, allergies, body odor, carpal tunnel syndrome, sleepless night, heart break, skinned knee, hang nail, chafing, sprained ankle, jet lag, heat stroke, tennis elbow, crick in his neck, bruise, pink eye, dandruff, stubbed toe, sunburn, tooth ache, dislocated shoulder, cracked rib, electric shock, torn ligament, fever, sore throat, or hacking cough.

I would just settle for being able to prevent my family from passing this nasty cold back and forth and make preschool a healthy place to be rather than a cesspool of germs and ick.

I’m just saying…

Finding The Words

Posted on October 10, 2011 Written by Tonya

A quiet Sunday, alone in the house, breakfast dishes had been cleared and beds made. I was caught up on my favorite television shows, had no phone calls to return or e-mails that needed my immediate attention. I had worked out and showered. I had zero obligations for three hours.

Three blissful hours of free time in which I wanted to nothing but write.

Normally I could pound out at least one post and maybe even a second in three hours.

Not today.

Today, nothing was coming to me.

My words were stalled.

I have never experienced writer’s block before, but know that it is a real condition.

Writer’s block is a condition in which an author loses the ability to produce new work. The condition varies widely in intensity. It can be trivial, a temporary difficulty in dealing with the task at hand. At the other extreme, some “blocked” writers have been unable to work for years on end, and some have even abandoned their careers. It can manifest as the affected writer viewing their work as inferior or unsuitable, when in fact it could be the opposite. – Wikipedia

I turned to my drafts.

Believe it or not, I have 73 drafts; some comprised of single sentences or thoughts that need flushing out. Some, close to completion, requiring one last read though and a tweak here and there. Many, several paragraphs long, but make no sense to anyone but me and therefore need a lot of work and reorganization. None of them are ready to be shared.

As I perused through my drafts folder, the topics seemed drab and uninteresting. I deleted many. I wanted to write something fresh. I wanted to reach deep within myself and share something personal and heartfelt, something new. But, I couldn’t find the words.

Perhaps I didn’t reach deep enough. Or maybe I have so much going on right now in my head and heart that I can’t find the right words.

For me, writing can’t and shouldn’t be forced, it has to be organic. It has to flow and feel right and come from the heart.

I love writing and it has proven to be very therapeutic for me so I’m hoping I can find the words again soon.

Pushover

Posted on August 29, 2011 Written by Tonya

There are bribes to get in and out of the car, move from one activity to the next, bribes to brush teeth, put on and take off articles of clothing, do things and behave the way I want him to.

The dialogue varies from threats and time outs to special privileges, sweet treats and new toys.

The negotiations are clever and cunning and downright exhausting.

All day, every day scenarios like these play out in my home:

SCENARIO 1 – Getting out the door

Me: [Matter-of-factly] Lucas, we need to leave in five minutes, buddy. Let’s get your shoes on.
Him: grumble grumble something that sounds like: I’m playing cars right now.

Me: [Excitedly] Don’t you remember? It’s tumble class day!
Him: No tumble class!

Me: [Way over excited] C’mon, it’ll be fun, you love tumble class.
Him: silence

Me: [Questioning] Lucas?
Him: I’m playing cars right now.

Me: [Exasperated] Let’s get your shoes on. We have to go!
Him: silence

Me: [Defeated] I’ll let you watch TV in the car, if you let me put your shoes on and we get out the door.

OUTCOME: Shoes on and we’re off! Class goes pretty well but as usual, an hour is generally 15 minutes too long for either of us.

SCENARIO 2 – Running an errand

Me: [Nonchalantly] I need to go to the grocery store and get a few things, will you come with me?
Him: No, no grocery store!

Me: [Pleading] Lucas, we don’t have any milk and you finished your favorite cereal this morning. Plus, I need get some veggies to have with our chicken tonight. You can help me pick them out.
Him: No veggies.

Me: [Begging] Please. It’ll be a quick trip, I promise.
Him: No, no grocery store.

Me: [Defeated] What about getting a new car while we are at the grocery store?

OUTCOME: We are at the grocery store crossing items off my list and adding another car to our already out of control collection.

SCENARIO 3 – Taking a nap

Me: Why don’t we go in your room and read some books?
Him: No books, no nap!

Me: No one said anything about a nap. Let’s go read!
Him: No books, no nap!

Me: Why don’t you pick out three books for me to read to you?
Him: No books, no nap!

Me: Listen kid, you need to take a nap.
Him: No!

Me: Okay, why don’t we just lay down and watch TV?
Him: I need a snack.

Me: Okay, I’ll get a snack if you come read with me.

OUTCOME: A very long afternoon for two frustrated people because the snack of choice always contains sugar.

SCENARIO 4 – Eating

Me: What do you want for lunch?
Him: How about mac ‘n’ cheese?

Me: That’s sounds good.
Him: No, I want yogurt.

Me: Okay, what kind? We have vanilla, blueberry and peach.
Him: Peach

Me: Here you go!
Him: No, I want a waffle and a banana.

Me: What about your yogurt?
Him: No, I want a banana!

Me: Okay, here’s a banana. Do you still want the waffle?
Him: I want mac ‘n’ cheese.

OUTCOME: Nothing is eaten, everything is thrown away and I swear I’ll make him eat whatever I put in front of him for the next meal. It doesn’t happen. Ever.

Please tell me I’m not the only pushover mom out there.

Please!

The Fine Art Of Relaxing

Posted on August 24, 2011 Written by Tonya

Never is it harder for me to relax than when someone asks me to.

I try. I really do, but it seems I wasn’t built with that gene.

A glass or two of wine certainly helps, as does a napping child, or a really great workout, but in large part I’m constantly in motion. I’d love to blame motherhood but the truth is, I’ve always been this way. I’m the most energetic person I know, a part from my son, of course.

I don’t know how to nap and hardly watch TV because I get too antsy. I piddle around the house late at night; organizing and reorganizing God knows what, making lists and perusing the Internet. Even writing, which has proven to be tremendously helpful, makes me anxious.

I’ve tried yoga and love it but find it difficult to stay focused and consistent with a practice. I’ve tried meditating, but always end up with a mind full of more things I think I need to do.

I drive myself nuts.

I drive my husband nuts.

I’m starting to see my wacky behavior in Lucas, which scares me. I’m hoping his intense energy level is due to his age, but he’s very very busy and thrives on moving from one activity to the next. The upside to teaching him how to relax is benefiting me as well.

I blame my father for my craziness. He was the same way, only worse! The man never sat down. With him, it was all about the next thing.

He hated dining out. As soon as the check arrived, he was reaching for his wallet and ready to head for the door. This was very frustrating growing up and even more so once I became an adult and wanted to have leisurely meals with him and talk about anything and everything.

Maybe with age or the strong urging of my mother, my father enjoyed collecting stamps and would spend hours cataloging his latest find. He would research the origin and delicately place his treasures in one of the dozens of binders that filled our entire guestroom closet. Those binders are full of the most exotic, colorful, beautiful stamps you have ever seen. Stamps he culled from all over the world. My father’s hobby helped calm him, helped him with the very fine art of relaxing.

Perhaps a mind numbing hobby would do the trick for me too?

What helps you relax? If you have a child, how are you teaching them to relax? If you blog, besides writing, what are your other hobbies?

There’s More To Me Than My Blog

Posted on July 2, 2011 Written by Tonya

I talked to a friend recently with whom I hadn’t spoken to in a while and mid-conversation, when we had reached the part when I was all up to date on the current events of her life and it was time for her to ask about me, she said, “I already know everything that’s going on with you, I read your blog.”.“Oh.” And with that, the call was pretty much over.

Here’s what I should have said:

“Um, no you don’t and why would you think that anyway?”

This is not the first time I’ve heard this.

And this is not the first time the comment has irked me hurt my feelings.

I’ll be the first to admit that I share a lot here, but I don’t blog about everything!

Some things are meant to be private. And I’ve learned that the hard way a couple of times.

There are lots of topics that I refuse to discuss here. I will never share details of my marriage, my sex life, my struggle to have a second child, my relationship with my sister (again), my ex-husband (again) or basically anything else that could potentially hurt a relationship that is important to me or be used against me in a court of law.

I’m a social networking butterfly and communicate regularly with a lot of people via Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Pinterest, Instagram, Skype, instant messages through Scrabble and Words With Friends, texts, the rare phone call and if I’m really lucky, in person. Every once in a while it would be nice if the people I knew in real life would ask me about me instead of assuming they’ve read it all on my blog.

Just saying.

If you’re a blogger, does this ever happen to you?

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It’s Just One Of Those Days

Posted on January 19, 2011 Written by Tonya

Nothing is going right today.

It’s freezing outside, I’m up to my eyeballs in chores I’d rather not do, but have put off all week so here I am waiting to fold the fifth load of laundry for the day.

I’m feeling feisty and pissy and just not in the mood.

I hope you will indulge me for a few minutes while I get some things off my chest while I share my annoyances with you.

Uneven sidewalks piss me off, particularly when pushing a stroller. I’m not referring to the cracks, I’m talking about the dips that make people’s driveways that pop up in the sidewalks.

I end up walking in the street and then get honked at, which is just rude.

Story time at the library in a room that is way too small full of toddlers that are hacking away and have faucets of snot running out of their noses is not my idea of a fun outing. C’mon people, I understand needing to get out of the house, but really? If you’re kid is sick, please stay home!

Back to laundry, which I’m going blame for today’s foul mood. I hate it when I discover after the fact that a bra, pair of workout pants or other clothing item has found it’s way into the dryer when I would normally hang dry them. Grrr.

As a side note, I just folded 24 shirts so now my arms hurt.

You think I’m kidding.

I’m really annoyed today by lurkers… people that creep around on my blog (the infamous Boycott American Women dude commented on one of my posts with his personal agenda of bad mouthing women – his comment has since been deleted forever – and other people that I actually know and usually enjoy being around in real life) and don’t leave comments, but LOVE gathering information on me and my family to a) either talk about with other people behind my back or b) mention it to me in a way that makes it seem like I’ve told them first hand live and in person. This creeps me out!

Note to self: if I write about it on my blog, it’s out there in the world and obviously fair game.

Speaking of people that creep me out, why do people have to encroach on my personal space at places like the grocery store check out line? When I’m done, you’ll know it. Until then, back the hell up!

I’ve just about had it with the battery life on my laptop and iPhone. If we can put a man on the moon, why can’t we design a battery that lasts longer than six hours? As I type this, I currently have 9% battery on my computer. Lame!!

Okay, I think I’m done.

For now.

Thanks, I needed that. I promise to return to my regularly scheduled program tomorrow.

But for now, I really do wish I was here.

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Virtual Flip Offs #5

Posted on July 23, 2010 Written by Tonya

I missed last week’s Friday Flip Offs, so bear with me friends, I have a lot of pent up flips to share:

#1 People that have no concept of personal space need to back the hell up and FLIP WAY OFF.

Whether, it’s in line at the grocery store or sitting next to me in a doctor’s office waiting room, my space is mine, not yours and I don’t want to feel you sneeze or smell your breath. I don’t like to be crowded in or touched by anyone that I’m not related to or have known longer than an hour. You give me the heeby-jeebies!

#2 When walking to my car with stroller in tow, I’m going to need several minutes to put my tot in the car, fold and stow the stroller and get myself situated, so for all of you that like to creep behind me in your cars because you think my parking space is 50 feet closer to the entrance, FLIP OFF!!! Park somewhere else and do the extra walking, you probably need it!

#3 My hair deserves a BIG F-you! I am so tired of blowing it straight and flat ironing the hell out of it because it is a wavy mess. We have always had a love/hate relationship and I’m over it! I’m asking for a Brazilian blowout for the next gift giving holiday.

#4 And last, but not least, I have a special FLIP OFF for the navigation system in my car. It usually gets me where I need to go, but I hate the fact that I can’t enter an address or make a change to anything previously entered unless the car is in Park. This is a colossal pain-in-the-ass and extremely annoying. Every other car I have had or been in, lets you be the judge of potentially dangerous button pushing while driving. I really need to look into tripping the system.

A HUGE big thank you to Gigi of Kludgy Mom for developing this much needed weekly virtual detox!

Happy Friday, everyone.

The best is yet to be.

Being Human

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