me time

Just One Day

Posted on March 14, 2012 Written by Tonya

I need a day of unwashed hair, unbrushed teeth and no bra.

Just one day.

I need 24 hours in my favorite jammies, hiding out in the comfort of my bed, drifting in and out of sleep while watching bad TV.

Just one day.

I don’t want to separate darks from whites, build Lego towers, visit the supermarket or wear a brave face.

Just one day.

I want to be snarky and rude and drown my sorrows in a big juicy cheese burger, French fries and chocolate shake, all of which I’ll surely regret.

Just one day.

I want to completely unplug, letting phone calls, e-mails and text messages go unanswered.

Just one day.

I need a day to be still, silent, curse the universe, wonder why me, feel sorry for myself and sob.

Just one day.

I want to regroup, sort through my feelings and find solace knowing that every cloud has a silver lining and that tomorrow is a brand new day.

Staying Afloat

Posted on February 20, 2012 Written by Tonya

It’s not unusual for me to leave clothes in the washer or dryer overnight or to walk out of the house wearing my slippers, but it is unusual for me to put Windex in the refrigerator, completely miss an appointment that I not only have on my phone calendar with an alarm reminder, but also on my paper calendar.

That’s not like me.

That’s not like me at all.

It’s not unusual for me to have to reheat my tea three times in the morning, only to forget all about it all together in the microwave, however, boiling a pot of water down to nothing *TWICE* while attempting to make Lucas mac and cheese is very unusual.

I’ve turned into a scatterbrain.

I rewrote a “To Do” list the other day that I already written with exactly the same tasks. I’m religious about my lists, almost can’t function without them, especially my grocery lists, but last week I had to go to the grocery store three times because I kept forgetting items that were clearly marked on my list.

I’m spinning my wheels and something is off. I’m snappy and feel the pressure of just barely staying afloat. Something’s going to suffer, it’s inevitable something’s got it give. Sadly, I fear it has been my blog. I haven’t been sharing my thoughts here as much as I would like to (or need to).

I’ve taken on a freelance writing job at Smart Mom Style, which is something that I have wanted for a long time and I am absolutely loving, but I am CLEARLY struggling with balancing it all, keeping my head above water and staying sane at the same time. I feel behind on everything in my life and all out of sorts. I am trying to find the perfect balance (is there such a thing?!) and until I do, my posts here will be scarce.

It’s an age old mommy problem… trying to balance work, home, exercise, “me time”, couple time and quality time with anybody and anything and all without letting a single ball drop.

How do you balance your life, your career, blog and family? How do you stay in control and keep your cool? When are you most productive? Do you wake up before your children so that you can savor a few precious moments to yourself or are you a night owl, like me and stay up way past your bedtime trying to get it all in? Any tips or tricks would be most helpful and appreciated.

Click on image for source.

About Last Night

Posted on January 12, 2012 Written by Tonya

Last night Lucas finally went to sleep somewhere between 8:00 and 8:30, after multiple ~~pleads~~ visits from both Mom and Dad to “settle down”.

I love this time of the day, the hours that we reclaim our house and get to enjoy the peace, the calm after the storm, if you will; a real conversation, a movie from start to finish or other adult activity.

Tonight, however, went something more like this….

Todd nestled in our bed with his laptop to write an appraisal for work and I was in the living room spread out on the couch watching TV, computer on my lap and wine in hand. I was tweeting, pinteresting, catching up on blogs and above all, relaxing, in other words, I was multitasking.

It was after 10:00 by the time I made it to bed. Todd was asleep shortly there after. I laid next to him quietly and read for an hour and a half… 100 pages!

At 11:45 I turned off the light.

There in the dark, even though I said I wasn’t going to do it, it beckoned me.

And you know what happened next… one Website sent me to another and then another and another and another and…

I played six turns of Scrabble (scored one bingo!), five turns of Words With Friends, tweeted more, pinned five new items, checked out my Facebook news feed, commented, “liked”, listened to the whirl of the dish washer run through nine cycles, nudged my partner a couple of times to stop the snoring, thought I heard Lucas open the door to his room twice and all the while cursing myself for being up past my bedtime AGAIN!

Then I ~~wrote~~ typed this post.

Stupid phone.

(Written and) sent from my iPhone

An Inherited Love

Posted on November 21, 2011 Written by Tonya

Home: the place where my husband and son are.

Both people bring so much comfort and joy to my life, but I am truly at my happiest in one of two other places; walking along the beach with the warm sun kissing my face, watching seagulls fly overhead, getting lost in my thoughts while at the same time completely clearing my mind. The salt air does wonders for my soul and the sound of the waves calm me.

My third favorite place to be, the place I find the most relaxing is a bookstore.

I miss the independent shops and the knowledgeable sales staff, the ones that actually read and can recommend something you’ve never heard of and fall completely in love with after the first chapter.

Books are magical; the way they feel and smell and line up against one another on shelves. I appreciate their ability to take our hand and transport us to another place and time.

Being in a bookstore is peaceful and I have spent hours walking up and down the aisles searching for inspiration, discovering it, exploring new topics, taking in the faint scent of print and coffee and relishing the quiet.

My love of bookstores, I inherited from my father. Sometimes he’d walk out of a one having spent hundreds of dollars and others, not one cent. The smile on his face was detectable either way.

Image courtesy of Pinterest. Click photo for source information.

This post was written for Write on Edge’s writing meme, RemembeRED. This week’s prompt: write about a (real) place that makes you feel peaceful. Where is your quiet place? What does it look like? What happens there? Word limit is 200. Constructive criticism is welcome.

The Perfect Vacation

Posted on November 13, 2011 Written by Tonya

When I think of vacation, I picture quality time spent in a poolside lounge chair with a great book, a pile of magazines and being served too many cocktails.

I also associate vacations with letting my hair down, uninterrupted conversations, new experiences, sleeping in and room service.

Costa Rica, October, 2005

I envision escaping it all: laundry, bills, TV; the mundane of my every day existence at home.

Vacations are meant to be memory-making adventures sprinkled with a little more indulgence than usual and hopefully some decent photos to bring home and frame.

Cabo San Lucas, April, 2001

My perfect vacation [and only because it has been so long that I’ve had one quite like this] would be somewhere sunny and coastal and alone with my husband.

Grand Canyon, Summer, 2008

My perfect vacation would also include:

1. Someone to pack for me, first class tickets and a limousine ride to and from the airport would all be wonderful, but I honestly don’t mind shuttles or coach seats (just so long as I don’t get stuck next to a screaming kid or a stinky fat man).

2. The ability to enjoy the vacation without any mommy guilt!

3. Having been rained on, snowed in and caught in a hurricane, the perfect vacation would include perfect weather upon arrival and for the entire length of our stay.

4. The ability to pack everything I might need and nothing I won’t, in other words, as many shoes as I want without any questions from my traveling companion and no emergency stops at a mall or drug store for something stupid I forgot at home, like a bathing suit. Yes, I have done this before. More than once!

5. Souvenirs. In the form of a special trinket, new friends or the rekindling of an old relationship with a true BFF.

Visiting my BFF, Sophie in New Caledonia, May, 2010

6. The ability to truly relax. This is so much easier said that done, especially for my husband when confined to a lounge chair. For me, if in a beach or pool setting, I could hang out in the sun all day every day, breaking only to eat, sleep and shower, but for him, it’s not so easy. I’m open to water sports and boat rides.

7. The ability to indulge in sweet treats and pretty drinks without gaining a single pound.

8. The ability to NOT get sick. I have had some of the nastiest colds in my life while on vacation.

9. Spa services. Enough said.

10. Returning home to a clean home, fresh sheets on the bed, mail sorted and someone to do the mounds of laundry.

Hawaii, August, 2011

This post was inspired by Stasha’s Monday Listicles, a linky right up my alley, as I LOVE lists! This week’s topic: 10 Things That Make A Vacation Perfect (selected by Hopes@StayingAfloat)

Distracted

Posted on November 3, 2011 Written by Tonya

The line expands and contracts as I watch people come and go throughout the 8:00 hour.

Busy hands operate whirling machines as they stir and whip up concoctions for patient and thirsty patrons looking for their morning fix.

Some customers are in a hurry; smart phones in hand, exuding an “I’m busier than you” attitude while others have all the time in the world and are overly chatty.

The requests I overhear are foreign to me: tall half-skinny half-1 percent extra hot split quad shot latte with whip, although the barista doesn’t even bat an eye.

Rich aroma and the latest indie band fill the air and I begin to feel intoxicated by both.

I have secured a small corner table and I have it and two hours all to myself.

There is quiet typing to my right and deep rhythmic breathing to my left.

I pick up my pen, watch the sun dance across a blank notebook page, try hard to clear my head and begin writing.

This post was also written for Write on Edge’s writing meme, Red Writing Hood. This week’s prompt: Take me to your version of 8:00 – AM or PM, fiction or creative nonfiction- in 200 words or less. Constructive criticism is welcome.

Finding The Words

Posted on October 10, 2011 Written by Tonya

A quiet Sunday, alone in the house, breakfast dishes had been cleared and beds made. I was caught up on my favorite television shows, had no phone calls to return or e-mails that needed my immediate attention. I had worked out and showered. I had zero obligations for three hours.

Three blissful hours of free time in which I wanted to nothing but write.

Normally I could pound out at least one post and maybe even a second in three hours.

Not today.

Today, nothing was coming to me.

My words were stalled.

I have never experienced writer’s block before, but know that it is a real condition.

Writer’s block is a condition in which an author loses the ability to produce new work. The condition varies widely in intensity. It can be trivial, a temporary difficulty in dealing with the task at hand. At the other extreme, some “blocked” writers have been unable to work for years on end, and some have even abandoned their careers. It can manifest as the affected writer viewing their work as inferior or unsuitable, when in fact it could be the opposite. – Wikipedia

I turned to my drafts.

Believe it or not, I have 73 drafts; some comprised of single sentences or thoughts that need flushing out. Some, close to completion, requiring one last read though and a tweak here and there. Many, several paragraphs long, but make no sense to anyone but me and therefore need a lot of work and reorganization. None of them are ready to be shared.

As I perused through my drafts folder, the topics seemed drab and uninteresting. I deleted many. I wanted to write something fresh. I wanted to reach deep within myself and share something personal and heartfelt, something new. But, I couldn’t find the words.

Perhaps I didn’t reach deep enough. Or maybe I have so much going on right now in my head and heart that I can’t find the right words.

For me, writing can’t and shouldn’t be forced, it has to be organic. It has to flow and feel right and come from the heart.

I love writing and it has proven to be very therapeutic for me so I’m hoping I can find the words again soon.

Advice To New Mothers

Posted on September 14, 2011 Written by Tonya

I certainly do not claim to be an expert, in fact very far from it, but here are a few things I know for sure about motherhood:

1. No matter how many anti-bacterial products you use or times you wash your hands or your child’s hands throughout the day, children are a cesspool of germs and it won’t just feel like your family is sick all the time, you will be.

2. You will go DAYS, especially in the beginning without sleep, a shower, a hot meal and/or make-up. There may even be days when you barely have a free moment to brush your teeth. This is just a phase and does pass.

3. It’s okay to mourn your old life and the days when it was just you and your husband; the days before diapers, Goodnight Moon, the Elmo theme song running through your head 24/7 and apple sauce stains on your shirt. It wasn’t that long ago and anyone that tells you that they can’t remember their life before their baby, is LYING!

4. I am convinced that no matter how sweet and innocent children seem on the outside, they are deviant and cunning on the inside. They may be new here, but they’ve got your number and know all the right buttons to push. Beware!!

5. Babysitters are worth every single penny because date nights and “me time” are absolutely essential to surviving motherhood. Having large quantities of wine on hand is good also.

6. Children are a lot more expensive than you budgeted for. A lot! They grow like weeds and get bored quickly, so the more comfortable you get with hand-me-down clothes and toys, the better.

7. You will lose the baby weight. It may take six months or three years, but you will and you can IF you put your mind to it.

8. You’ll hear it a million times and eventually repeat it, too: it goes by fast, so let the dishes sit and the laundry wait and enjoy the baby days, the milestones, sweet, tender moments and the magic.

9. Trust your instincts and listen to your gut, you know a lot more than you give yourself credit for.

10. As soon as your newborn enters the world and your eyes meet theirs, you will know true love and joy as you have never known it before. Here’s hoping you can recall that gaze at 3 o’clock in the morning when your tot throws up all over his bed and then yours and then his again. Yep, that was a very long night.

Linking up this week with Stasha’s Monday Listicles, a linky right up my alley! This week’s topic: 10 Tips For New Moms was chosen by Cookies Mom.

This post was originally written for Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop, 5.) Advice to new mothers (September 14, 2011).

Juxtaposition

Posted on September 7, 2011 Written by Tonya

I was tweeting with @mommyofamonster and @projectalicia today about our young children starting preschool and older children going back to school and mommy time and our kids in general and how fast they grow up and then I read Four Plus An Angel’s beautiful post, As You Begin School and as the day wore on I started to feel melancholy and uncertain and really missing my son.

Melancholy because noon could not come soon enough. Three hours a part was three hours too many today. I relished my “me time” and although I was able to get a lot accomplished without Lucas in tow, my thoughts and heart were with him.

Uncertain because Lucas is only two years old and on Day 14 of preschool and I feel as though his father and I keep reminding ourselves why he is there; it’s good for him socially and his vocabulary and retention are vast.

So far, he’s doing great! Drop offs and goodbyes are getting easier (on both of us) and the art projects he proudly hands me at the end of his school day adorn our refrigerator with love.

Part of me is over the moon excited for him to expand his horizons and grow and learn, while the other part is completely torn up inside and worried that I’m losing my baby too soon.

It’s bittersweet, but I know the latter is inevitable.