Letters For Lucas

Wonders, Mishaps, Blunders and Joy.. commentary on my life as a mom in the form of letters to my son

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Show & Tell

Posted on February 24, 2014 Written by Tonya

After having Lola I couldn’t drive for two weeks and while being chauffeured around was nice, there’s nothing like the freedom of being behind the wheel of your own car.

The first place I drove to was my OB/Gyn’s office for an incision check and then the grocery store, because of course…

The next day I took Lucas to school.

It was a very special day.

Not only was it Valentine’s day, but it would be the first day Lucas could introduce his little sister to his classmates and he was very excited. On the way there Lucas, who is still getting used to the fact that Lola now goes with us everywhere asked if we could bring her in so that he could “show her off”.

Lucas attends a small Montessori school and we know all the staff so everyone knew we had had the baby and was anxious to meet her.

As soon we entered Lucas’s classroom, circle time was already underway and silly me thought I could slip in and slip out without interrupting, but his teacher promptly stopped what she was saying and gestured to me to come to the front of the classroom, where she placed a tiny chair at the feet of 22 eager children and made us that day’s show and tell.

Let me just say kids are awesome, but four and five year olds are particularly cool. They leave no stone unturned and hold nothing back. While Lucas beamed with pride from his spot in the circle, I tried my best to introduce his sister, praise him for being a good big brother and address these curious minds:

“Why is she wrapped in a towel?”

“Where is her hair?”

“Does she have arms and legs?”

“Why is she sleeping?”

“When I grow up, I’m going to have a baby too. Well, my wife is. How do you get a baby.” [I ignored this last part.]

“My baby sister poops a lot, does she poop a lot?”

“When she talks, does she say ‘go go ga ga’?”

Lucas and Lola - Valentine's Day 2014

Lucas and Lola – Valentine’s Day 2014

Now when Lola and I drop off or pick up Lucas we are kind of old news. Kind of… babies tend to draw a lot of attention no matter where you go.

Related Posts:

  • Family Tree
  • A Visit To The Easter Bunny
  • Why You Should Volunteer In Your Child’s Classroom

Filed Under: children, conversations with Lucas, holidays, school Tagged With: children, conversations with Lucas, holidays, school

When “Thank You” Isn’t Enough

Posted on February 21, 2014 Written by Tonya

For over a year, I have been a proud member of an online blogging group and these women are amazing in so many ways.

Their words lift me up when I’m feeling low, they are wise and supportive, strong and hard working, funny and real! They are sensitive and sweet and sometimes a little crass, which I happen to love! I honestly don’t know where I would be without them.

This is a closed group and not to sound cliquey, but a very exclusive one. I was lucky to be asked to join.

The oddest (for lack of a better word) thing about this incredible group of fellow women, mothers and writers is that of the 29 members, I have only met seven in real life. Now, anyone that says that online friends aren’t real, hasn’t ever met women like these!

Throughout my struggles with secondary infertility, this group not only shared my words through their social media channels but shared their own personal stories of longing and then hoped and prayed right there with me that someday I would be able to get pregnant again and when I did, they shared my joy, worry and happy tears.

In the weeks leading up to Lola’s birth and even since, a package (or two) has arrived on my door step each day and each day I have been overwhelmed and deeply touched by the gifts of love we have received.

Packages have come from all over the world and here is just a small sampling of what has arrived:

gifts of love2

Here’s what arrived yesterday:

photo

Thank you, Kir!

If you don’t already know the following women, you should!

Alison of Writing, Wishing
Kiran of Masala Chica
Erin of The Road to My Writer Roots & The Gay Dad Project
Laura of Mommy Miracles
Tracy of Sellabit Mum
Natalie of Mommy of a Monster & Twins
Robin of Farewell Stranger
Jennifer of Jennifer P. Williams
Greta of Gfunkified
Brittany of That’s Vandy
Deborah of Ask Doctor G
Elaine of The Miss Elaine-ous Life
Sarah of Little White Whale
Arnebya of What Now and Why
Poppy of Facing 40
Kristin of Two Cannoli
Angie of Angie Kinghorn
Angela of Angela Amman
Jennie of A Lady in France
Galit of  These Little Waves
Leigh Ann of Genie in a Blog
Keely of Lollygag Blog
Katie of Sluiter Nation
Anna of An Inch of Gray
Andrea of About 100%
Kim of  Co-Pilot Mom
Kerstin of  Auer Life
Kirsten (Kir) of The Kir Corner & KirstenAPiccini.com
Jessica of My Time As Mom

Thank you, ladies. Not just for the generous gifts to help my family welcome our sweet miracle, but for your friendship.

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Filed Under: DBA, friends, gifts, gratitude, pregnancy2 Tagged With: DBA, friends, gifts, gratitude, pregnancy2

Obsessions

Posted on February 20, 2014 Written by Tonya

Lucas goes through phases when all he wants to talk about are planets or dinosaurs, pirates or sea life, Legos and most recently learning and belting out every last word of the Frozen soundtrack, but every now and then he gets a true obsession for something and it becomes all consuming.

The first and thankfully shortest lived obsession was with Elmo. Now he won’t give Sesame Street the time of day. While there was no annoying red squeaky voiced monster when I was growing up, I loved watching Sesame Street and the Muppets and learned a lot from those shows, but there far too many [better] options nowadays.

Next came his Thomas the Tank Engine & Friends obsession. We have tracks of all shapes and sizes and dozens of trains, we memorized the theme song, spent a Day Out With Thomas and have logged countless hours around the train table.

Still going strong is his passion for Cars and Cars 2. Lucas has at least 100 die cast cars from the movies and has expanded his collection to include Microdrifters, Squinkies and Mighty Beans. He owns half a dozen track sets and loves lining up cars by color, gender, bad guy vs. good guy, first movie vs. second, World Grand Prix racers, Radiator Springs friends, etc., etc. It’s exhausting but a passion that both my husband and I encourage and enthusiastically contribute to.

Lucas’s dad sells cars for a living so I’m sure he’ll always have a love for them too, he even talks about being a race car driver when he grows up (God help me and my poor heart if in fact that happens). One of my favorite things he has ever said is, “I wish Lightening McQueen and Tow Mater were real so they could teach me how to be a race car driver”.

Lucas’s latest obsession is with Angry Birds and more specifically, Star Wars Angry Birds. This started with the original app/game, which I still refuse to play or download on my phone but his dad has. It soon became a favorite and then graduated to more apps/games, books, light sabers, stuffed animals, underwear, Telepods, dishes, Angry Bird GO! carts, Star Wars Angry Birds Jenga game sets and to date as a family, we have watched four of the six Star Wars movies [SIDE NOTE: can you believe the first Star Wars movie came out in 1977??] and are constantly being quizzed about all the characters, their strengths and weaknesses, weapons of choice, home planets, alliances, etc. We don’t leave the house without his Star Wars Angry Birds Character Encyclopedia.

Recently Lucas lost one of his tiny Telepods (C3P-YOLK) in the car and days after Todd tore the thing apart trying to find it, it rolled out from underneath the passenger seat. Look how happy he was to be reunited. Notice the shirt.

IMG_8639This current passion is cute, but exhausting. I suppose real strategy and vivid imagination are being used to play these games and act out different scenarios, so he’s benefiting in that way and I’m quite sure another obsession is waiting lurking just around the corner…

What is your child’s current obsession?

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Filed Under: cars, elmo, play, question, raising boys, TBW, toys, TV Tagged With: cars, elmo, play, question, raising boys, TBW, toys, TV

It’s All Coming Back To Me

Posted on February 19, 2014 Written by Tonya

I forgot how heavy the car seat is,

how a degree is necessary to assemble a stroller,

about the midnight, 2 am and 4 am feedings,

the dirty diapers,

about the spit up and sticky, stinky milky baby neck,

how to wrap a little human like a burrito,

the high pitch bird like noises these fascinating creatures make,

the days of constantly wanting to be held (these have become my favorite, by the way),

how sexy my husband looks holding a brand new baby,

that intoxicating newborn scent,

the utter exhaustion brought only by interrupted sleep,

the load after load after load of laundry,

how to baby talk and just how silly it sounds,

the painful pumping,

the sink full of bottles,

the way our bodies contort and shift, adjust and seek comfort when trying to find the perfect position in which to hold such a light person,

the tiny socks. Oh, how those socks kill me!

I forgot how my heart would expand and envelope a brand new person and put all of their needs ahead of my own, how love would be reflected back to me through eyes that speak volumes, but lips that cannot yet say a word.

But it’s all coming back to me and I am so grateful for the second opportunity.

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Filed Under: love, motherhood, parenthood, pregnancy2, TBW Tagged With: love, motherhood, parenthood, pregnancy2, TBW

She’s Here!

Posted on February 10, 2014 Written by Tonya

She’s here! She’s here! I am thrilled, grateful, full of joy and so, so much love. There truly are no words to describe how happy I am to finally have this tiny baby girl in my arms.

However…

between constipation, engorged boobs, sore nipples, painful pumping sessions, lack of sleep, not being able to move around comfortably, swollen feet and hands, stitches, burning sensation in my abdomen, multiple bouts of crying throughout the day, not being able to drive for two weeks, an over active pre-schooler, mounds of laundry, an insatiable thirst and crazy out of whack hormones, postpartum days really suck.

On the other hand, there is a very supportive and helpful husband, an understanding 4-year-old, in-laws to look after Lucas, a sweet and curious dog, friends who visit bearing gifts, meals, sound advice and laughter, doctors and specialists who know better, breast feeding support groups, pain medication, cabbage (if you have ever breast fed, you’ll understand), time and moments like this:

sibling love
It was worth the wait and worth all the postpartum BS. Bring it… I’m getting stronger every day and slowly healing.

I will share Lola Paige’s birth story soon and more photos, but blogging will be intermittent for the next few weeks as I’ll be busy snuggling my newborn miracle. Thank you for understanding.

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Filed Under: annoyances, family, friends, grandparents, gratitude, health, motherhood, photos, pregnancy2, puppy, siblings, TBW Tagged With: annoyances, family, friends, grandparents, gratitude, health, motherhood, photos, pregnancy2, puppy, siblings, TBW

Countdown

Posted on January 29, 2014 Written by Tonya

For days, I have kept a baby countdown to due date on the chalkboard in our kitchen… Lucas loves seeing the different designs I come up with and talking about whether or not she’ll be on time and how big my belly is getting, how big the baby is getting, guessing when she’ll make her big debut and just exactly how she’ll get her.

I never thought I’d be explaining the vaginal canal to my four-year old. These are interesting and very exciting times, to say the least…

2345

Yesterday he beat me to the chalk:

1 day until baby!

Words cannot express how much I love this boy!

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Filed Under: conversations with Lucas, pregnancy2 Tagged With: conversations with Lucas, pregnancy2

Be Here

Posted on January 28, 2014 Written by Tonya

I study photographs of him and will them to come to life.

Just one more conversation.

Meet my son.

Put your hand on my belly and feel your granddaughter.

Share a beer and a laugh with your son-in-law. 

Be here.

My father would have been 67 today.

I can’t believe he (and my mother) have been gone almost seven years.

Does it ever really sink in?

Does the hurt ever stop?

MSA 1947-2007

Michael Stephen Adams 1947-2007

Baby girl is due tomorrow but could have been delivered today.

It was almost a guarantee.

For over a week she was breech and my OB was trying to talk me into having an ECV (External Cephalic Version), a procedure done at the hospital where she and a nurse manually (from the outside) try to flip the baby. My OB said the procedure is only successful half the time and the other half leads to labor, hence the reason it’s done at hospital. It can be very painful and must be done within the 37 and 38th weeks of pregnancy.

I opted not to have the procedure and instead sought help from a chiropractor trained in the Webster technique, involving assessing and correcting any misalignments in the pelvic and low back area helping to keep the ligaments and muscles, which support the uterus, relaxed. I also saw my acupuncturist and performed yoga type movements twice a day and used visualization to move her on my own.

Just to be safe, however, my OB wanted me to schedule a C-section. The VERY last way I wanted to deliver this baby (you can read about my birth plan here)!!

When discussing dates, she said the earliest she could do one would be January 28. I was taken aback to say the least. Knowing my due date is January 29, I always known that it was a possibility that my father and daughter could share a birthday, but I really wanted her to have her own special day. When my OB came up with the date solely based on surgery room availability and her own personal schedule and knowing nothing about the significance to my family, I thought it might be meant to be. My father was my hero and I miss him every day and what better way to pay homage to him than having his granddaughter on his birthday.

A week after making the appointment, baby girl flipped and has been head down ever since! I am equal parts relieved and melancholy. The day is still young, so anything can happen, but with the 7:45 AM C-section canceled, I can’t help but be curious to see if she will choose today to be here.

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Filed Under: acupuncture, grief, milestones, MSA, pregnancy2 Tagged With: acupuncture, grief, milestones, MSA, pregnancy2

Word Of The Year

Posted on January 27, 2014 Written by Tonya

Okay, so the first month of the new year is almost over and I’m just now getting around to this…

It seems like a silly exercise, picking a single word or theme for the entire year, but I prefer it over making resolutions any day and it does help to focus on want is truly important.

Last year it came to me so easily… the word peace. It was what I was seeking, longing for and needing so desperately in my life.

Just days after the new year began I found out I was yet again not pregnant following a third or fourth (I lost count) IUI. It had been our 13th attempt and I was depressed and angry and although somehow not ready to give up, ready for resolution and peace. Peace in my heart and quiet in my mind.

Two months later we ended up back where had started, at IVF and this time it proved successful and with it came some peace and a lot of joy but always tethered with doubt and worry.

I don’t know that I necessarily achieved the level of peace I was looking for in 2013, but there were certainly moments when I felt reflective and rested, as if everything was going to be okay. I carried that feeling with me throughout the year and throughout my pregnancy.

The last half of 2013 came with many changes for our family and lots of upheaval, a big move into our dream house and now we are in the throes of getting ready for our new baby. It’s a very exciting time!

This year I want to embrace all the change headed my way and be with it.

Fully.
Completely.
Absolutely.
Perfectly.

Come what may….

embrace

What’s your word of the year and are you living up to it so far?

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Filed Under: inspiration, new year, question Tagged With: inspiration, new year, question

Two Heartbeats

Posted on January 17, 2014 Written by Tonya

Waking with a start at 1:18 AM, I am tangled up in sheets. I’m hot and breathless. I sigh heavily and then listen. The house is still. The bedroom window is cracked opened and I hear a car whiz down our street and the distant barking of a dog. Downstairs, I hear Charlie’s collar, but luckily he doesn’t respond to his canine cousin. I throw my legs over the side of the bed and my husband moans and asks if I’m okay. “Yep” is my only reply afraid to wake up too much.

I am up and need to pee.

I make my way to the bathroom in the dark, quickly wash my hands and find myself back in bed within minutes.

Finding a comfortable position is next to impossible so I toss and turn and try a few different pillow configurations but end up giving in and reaching for my phone on the nightstand. The illuminating light is too much so I quickly go into my Settings and turn it down.

I proceed to spend the next hour responding to text messages received the day before, cleaning up my e-mail In Box and playing 11 waiting Words With Friends games. I also check my calendar for the day ahead and get lost in daydreams of gorgeous decor, insightful quotes, scrumptious looking recipes and far away places on Pinterest. I contemplate heading to the couch in the playroom to read.

Suddenly I realize I am not alone. My husband is snoring rhythmically next to me, but there is someone else.

The middle of my body starts to slowly twitch and roll. I put my phone down and place both palms on my belly. It’s a wonderful and indescribable feeling. With less than two weeks left of this pregnancy, I know I will miss this feeling.

Soon my baby girl and I will no longer share heartbeats.

heartbeat

 

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Filed Under: iphone, pinterest, pregnancy2, quotes, simple joys, sleep Tagged With: iphone, pinterest, pregnancy2, quotes, simple joys, sleep

You Know You’re 37 Weeks Pregnant When…

Posted on January 8, 2014 Written by Tonya

The last month of pregnancy feels strangely like the first month of pregnancy, you’re tired all the time, uncomfortable and walk around in a complete state of disbelief.

I’ve had a great pregnancy with very few of the typical “negative” symptoms that usually accompany these very long nine+ months and I am grateful to have gotten this far without incident, but there are some things about these last few weeks that just make me want to laugh or cry, depending on my hormone level…

12 ways you know you're pregnant

  1. In the two hours you are out of the house, you have visited three public restrooms.
  2. You can burst into tears, lose your temper and/or fall asleep at the drop of a hat.
  3. You have reached a point when you can no longer put your own shoes on and socks are difficult too because you can’t see your feet and it’s just too hard!
  4. You wonder if your boobs will ever look normal again.
  5. Shaving is done with blind ambition.
  6. You make five dozen cookies, a cheese ball and assemble a lasagna at 5 o’clock in the morning because you can’t sleep!
  7. Your feet are so swollen that you can squeeze them and leave indentations. So unattractive!
  8. When you feel a sneeze coming on, you’re terrified you’re going to pee in your pants. 
  9. Your husband makes more grunts when helping you off the couch than you do.
  10. You think the strangest combinations of food sound good and have indulged in them. More than once.
  11. There is no sweeter sound than hearing your baby’s heartbeat or watching her move on a small black-and-white screen.
  12. You could deliver at any moment and you are both terrified and over the moon excited.

It won’t be long now…

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Filed Under: funny, list, pregnancy2 Tagged With: funny, list, pregnancy2

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