Letters For Lucas

Wonders, Mishaps, Blunders and Joy.. commentary on my life as a mom in the form of letters to my son

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Hand Me Downs

Posted on August 16, 2011 Written by Tonya

“Lucas, what would you like for lunch?”

“Mac ‘n’ cheese, please!”

“Okay, do you want to pick out a bowl?”

My mother attended West Texas State University in Canyon, Texas.  Her best friend and roommate was named Brenda. My mother remarked more than once that Brenda’s sole purpose for attending college was to find a husband. 

It was a different time in the early sixties.

My mother told me how Brenda would never go anywhere without full make-up on because as she would say, you just never know. 

This drove my mother crazy.

I believe my mother had aspirations of working for the United Nations as a French translator. As it turned out she ended up getting married in college too.

Brenda actually went on at least one date with my father before my mother started dating him. She said that she knew from the moment she met him, that he was the man she’d marry. I love that.

I met Brenda on several occasions and she was lovely. She did marry while in college. Twice that I know of. She had three children. Her eldest was two years older than me, a boy. I got all of his hand me downs.

This meant I wore a lot of blue and red. I didn’t know the difference and my parents were struggling to make ends meet so they were grateful for the clothes.

My childhood room was decorated in blue and red as well and I had a lot of Raggedy Ann and Andy dolls.
  

Back in the 70’s, cartoon/television characters weren’t plastered all over everything like they are today, so the bowl and cup set I had with Raggedy Ann and Andy’s likeness were special, as were the Mickey Mouse spoon and fork.

My mother didn’t make a point of giving these to me, I simply found them one day in our kitchen long after I had outgrown them and decided to keep them. At the time, I wasn’t sure why. 

Now I do. 

I don’t have any of my old clothes that I wore as a toddler and certainly none of the hand me downs from Brenda’s son. I do have a few well loved, stuffing-coming-out-of-their-heads stuffed animals and baby dolls with terrible haircuts and an old Barbie case filled with Barbies and accessories, but none of that would I share with Lucas, so I’m happy I saved these dishes and can hand them down to him.

Hearing “I want the Raggedy Ann and Andy bowl, Mommy.” is music to my ears.

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Filed Under: kid food, KRA, memories, MSA, random Tagged With: kid food, KRA, memories, MSA, random

At Ease

Posted on August 15, 2011 Written by Tonya

We held hands the entire drive home from the therapist’s office.

Relief.

A decision had been reached.

The words spoken out loud. 

Later would come the tears. And questions.

So many questions.

Some people offer disconcerting looks, you know the one that says, “oh, I’m sorry, I brought it up.” and then quickly ask if I got married too young, like that’s a suitable excuse.

“No, we were 27 and 30 respectively,” I answer matter-of-factly and in my mind think: old enough to have been around the block a couple of times, but young enough to still believe that love conquers all.

A lot of people don’t even bat an eye and a few are shocked as hell at the discovery.

I was married before I met Lucas’ father.

Over 50% of all marriages in the U.S. end in divorce. I am not proud to be a part of this group. I know it shamed my parents, especially my father. I apologized to him over and over again.

My ex-husband and I met in college, dated for three years, broke up for six months, reunited, were engaged for a year and married for almost three years. No one did anything wrong in our marriage, but neither of us happy. We shared some good times, great laughs and I don’t regret a single moment I spent with him, but somehow I knew our marriage wouldn’t last. 

No one gets married to get divorced, but sometimes love doesn’t conquer all. It’s native to think it does. I know this now. Sometimes priorities are warped, you lose sight of yourself in spite of yourself and over time realize the person you thought you fell in love with is someone else entirely. People change. It’s as simple and as complicated as that.

I knew something was missing.

It was me.

I was missing from my own marriage!

From the moment I said, “I do,” my true authentic self began disappearing. It was slow at first and then like a whirlwind. I became this odd matronly figure that wore clothes that were a size too big and I started buying trivets and cookie jars. I was trying to be the “perfect” wife, knowing full well that no such thing existed. The more I lost myself, the sadder I became. Then I focused on trying to make myself believe that I was okay with being content.

Content.

I hate that word.

All the sacrifices and compromises weren’t worth it and in then end, I was only compromising myself.

We spent several months in mid 2002 trying to figure out what to do and if our marriage was salvageable. We sought marriage counseling and finally after many sessions and sleepless nights decided to go our separate ways. It was, to date the hardest decision I have ever been faced with.  

My ex-husband is a good guy; charismatic and ambitious. He has a wonderful family and had an all-American upbringing. We wanted different things and in an effort to be true to ourselves had to say goodbye to one another. 

I haven’t seen him since early 2008. He attended my parents memorial service, which was both unexpected and sweet. We’re Facebook friends (I think?) and we exchange yearly holiday cards and the occasional e-mail. He is remarried and has children and I hope more than anything is happy.

Anything but content.

I’ll never forget that drive home that hot August night.

As sad as I was, I was at ease.

This post is for Write On Edge’s weekly writing assignment RemembRED. This week’s prompt was: Write about a moment in your life when you knew something had to change drastically. Maybe it was a relationship, or career, parenting, school, diet – anything.

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Filed Under: difficult subjects, divorce, memories, remembeRED, TDA bio Tagged With: difficult subjects, divorce, memories, remembeRED, TDA bio

Cravings

Posted on August 14, 2011 Written by Tonya

Since I was 17, I’ve lived in a perpetual state of missing someone or something.

Topping my list has always has been my parents.

At 17, I went to boarding school for my senior year of high school and never lived under the same roof as them again. I missed them (and my sister) tremendously, but relished in “being on my own” for the first time.

After high school, there was college and still many miles between me and my family. We would spend time together during the holidays and throughout the summer, but I never had enough time with them.

My parents died in 2007 and I think about them and wish they were here every single day. I doubt that longing will never go away.

I missed school after I graduated. Both high school and college. I enjoyed school. I was good at it, especially the social aspect. Go figure! 

Even though she’s only an hour away, I miss my sister.

I miss friends that I wish lived next door, in particular my oldest and dearest, friend Sophie.

Lucas met Sophie in New Caledonia in April, 2010.

Since becoming a mother, my desires are simpler, in no particular order here’s what’s missing from my life these days:

1. Sleep. In particular, sleeping in.

2. Grab and gos. The ability to go anywhere without a huge production, whether that means, packing snacks, diapers, struggling to put on someone’s shoes or booking a sitter. I miss the days of just grabbing my purse and going.

3. Living guilt free. I’ve learned guilt comes with the mom territory in many forms and there is no escape…. am I spending enough time with him, is he watching too much TV, am I exposing him to the right activities for his age, how can I get more vegetables into his diet, etc., etc., etc.?

4. Watching TV. Whatever I want, whenever I want.

5. My own name. All I hear any more is “Mommy!”. And “no!”.

6. Did I mention sleep?

7. The sounds of silence. See #5.

8. Yoga. I am going to get back to a regular practice if it kills me. I joined a yoga studio four months ago and have only taken two classes.

9. Going to the bathroom. Alone.

10. Dinner. Easting at home is rushed, eating out is rushed. I miss long, leisurely dinners that were several courses long and lasted longer than an hour.

This post was inspired by Stasha’s Monday Listicles, a linky right up my alley! This week’s topic is 10 I Miss.

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Filed Under: a mother's guilt, list, loss, love, monday listicles, sophie Tagged With: a mother's guilt, exercise, list, loss, love, monday listicles, sleep, sophie, TV

Be Still My Heart

Posted on August 10, 2011 Written by Tonya

With his fingers firmly pressed into the back of my arm, Todd urged me to move toward the exit. “Say goodbye and let’s go,” he said forcefully.

He was right.

“Bye, Lucas. Mommy loves you and I’ll be back to get you very soon.”

“Bye, Mommy,” was all I got in return as he scurried around the playground.

Don’t linger, I kept repeating in my head all morning. Don’t make it hard on him. Wait until you get back to the car to cry.

And cry I did.

For him.

For us.

But mostly, for me.

My little boy is in school!

I kept my phone close to me on vibrate and with the ringer turned up to the maximum volume for the three hours we were apart, fully expecting a call from the school begging me to come pick up my son because he missed me so much.

Alas, the phone didn’t ring.

Not once.

When I arrived 15 minutes before I was due, I saw my little boy sitting contently in the lap of the teacher’s aid. Feelings of guilt, relief, surprise and happiness washed over me.

He was fine.

He did it!

We both did.

We made through Day 1.

As soon as he saw me, his eyes lit up like a Christmas tree and he rushed over to me, careful not to step on any of the napping bodies that covered the floor. And then all I felt was grateful. Grateful that I was able to bring him home and not have to keep him there the rest of the day like so many other working mothers have to. What a sight for sore eyes.

I know I kissed and hugged him a little more than usual that day, so proud of him. So full of love.

I missed Day 2 because I was at BlogHer, but I heard Lucas did equally as well.

This week has been a bit harder and there have been some tears, requests for Mommy and his lovey, which his teacher says is normal for week 2. Today he asked if he could take his lovey tomorrow “…to have in his cubby”, just in case. I think that can be arranged.

We are all getting used to a new schedule, time apart and having a student in the house. One thing I won’t have any trouble getting used to are the art projects my little buddy hands me with so much pride in his eyes.

Ah, be still my heart:

Lucas' first piece of school artwork.

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Filed Under: a mother's guilt, love, lovey, praise, school, simple joys Tagged With: a mother's guilt, love, lovey, priase, school, simple joys

Reflecting: One Last BlogHer ’11 Post

Posted on August 10, 2011 Written by Tonya

As BlogHer ’11 is still sinking in and I am reeling from all the new inspiration and sweet memories, I have to share one last post… the fun one, the evidence, the photos!
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1. Let the games begin: arriving at the hotel Wednesday night in full blogger garb and new Uncommon custom iPhone case. Love!

2. My BlogHer experience would not have been complete without a photo with my blogging idol, Sherri of Old Tweener. Sigh! She is a beautiful person inside and out.

3. Flat Mandy of Mandyland enjoyed the Women Create Media workshop a little more than the rest of us.

4. Twitter twins, soul mates in many ways and my roommates for the weekend, the beautiful Natalie of Mommy of a Monster and Nichole of In These Small Moments.

5. Night 1: Gigi, Nichole, Lori, Natalie, me and Katie (my third roomie for the weekend).

6. Me, Sherri, Katie and Lori.

7. Another one of my favorite bloggers: the stunning Poppy of Funny Or Snot, who wasted no time staring at the enormous zit on my chin. Thanks for that!

8. Relax: My mantra for the weekend.

9. Every child’s fantasy; meeting Cookie Monster and Elmo.

10. How lucky was I to spend so much time with these lovely ladies?

11. Hearing Lori of In Pursuit Of It All read her glorious piece, The Red Underwear at the Voices of the Year ceremony was truly moving and a highlight of my weekend.

12. I was proud to wave (and wear) red panties!

13. Best. Night. Ever. I don’t get out and dance enough.

14. Yes, it’s true SurferWife is AMAZING is real life too and the Eyedews she was giving away like candy were the talk of BlogHer.

15. Katie of Slutier Nation and I had a little too much fun with mustaches.

16. A pre-screening of the movie, The Help courtesy of DreamWorks was a wonderful cherry on top of my weekend. I recommend this book to everyone and the movie did not disappoint. Plus, the theater was dark, quiet and cool and gave me a little time to reflect.

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Filed Under: blog conference, friends, photos, wordless wednesdays Tagged With: blog conference, friends, photos, wordless wednesdays

BlogHer ’11: My Recap

Posted on August 9, 2011 Written by Tonya

It wasn’t about the swag, the parties, the sessions, or even the networking.

Even though the swag was nice, the parties a lot of fun (especially Dance Party USA at Sparklecorn), the sessions I attended (Essential Writing and Editing Skills, Essential Blog Content Development Workshop, How to Pitch Freelance Editorial Work and Malcolm Gladwell is Missing the Point: Revolutions are Happening Online) extremely informative and the networking a great step towards furthering my freelance writing career, for me, BlogHer ’11 was more about finally meeting so many amazing women that I have been getting to know on the Internet through their blogs and on Twitter for months.

It was about the connections I have built online with women I had already considered friends, but wanted to hug in person and tell how much they mean to me. It was about surrounding myself with like-minded mothers, seeking their advice, sharing a laugh and a glass or two of wine and maybe even shedding a tear as they worked through an emotional moment. 

I did all of the above and in turn, BlogHer ’11 met and exceeded my expectations.

Thumbing through the stack of business/blog cards I collected from everyone I encountered makes me smile. Many of these women I already classified as members of my tribe and a few I had been fortunate enough to meet once or twice before, or talked to on the phone. Being able to spend an entire weekend with them was pure magic. There are also lots of new names in the stack and I’m looking forward to getting to know them and their writing soon.

I met most of the women on my “must meet at BlogHer ’11” list, but didn’t get to spend nearly as much time as I would have liked with anyone.  

The weekend moved much too fast and in a lot of ways felt like being back in school, shuffling from one event to the next, saving seats, checking in, wardrobe changes and cute shoes, gossip and laughs. It will surely be a weekend that I won’t soon forget and I’m already missing Natalie, Nichole, Katie, Sherri, Gigi, Morgan, Lori, Poppy, Robin, Yuliya, Galit, Cheryl, Tracy, Jessica … this list could go on and on and on.

All I can say is, thank God for Twitter!

Feeling more inspired and focused about my writing and my little corner of the Internet than ever, I am planning to attend BlogHer ’12 in New York!

I took copious notes during the sessions I sat in and will be sharing a few tips over the coming weeks (although I believe the bulk of the information covered will be available on the BlogHer Web site), but if you’d like to know more about my BlogHer experience or have a specific question, please ask.

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Filed Under: blog conference, friends, inspiration, twitter Tagged With: blog conference, friends, inspiration, twitter

Aloha!

Posted on August 8, 2011 Written by Tonya

I’m back from vacation, home from BlogHer ’11, my mind is reeling and my heart is full. Oh, and I have a brand new blog design!

Over the next few days, I’ll be working with my amazing design and WordPress team (Kristi and Ashley and anyone else willing to help me!!) to work through the bugs and improve navigation, so please bear with me. I am so excited to be on WordPress, but know that it is going to take some time to learn a new platform.

Before I share my BlogHer ’11 experience, I want to share some highlights from our trip to Hawaii.

Our time in Maui was a lot of fun, but to be honest, a week is a long time to be away from home. Particularly with a toddler. Lucas did great on the flights there and back, but by Day 4 was starting to get ornery and talking about all of his favorite things back home, including his favorite babysitter. Gulp!

Here’s my high/low list, starting with the good stuff first!

  • The whole reason for our trip was to attend our friends Aaron and Paige’s wedding and it was absolutely beautiful! Two of only 40 guests, it was truly a pleasure to witness. On the beach. At sunset. Sigh…
  • Paige is a friend of Todd’s from college, so I got the opportunity to meet/make some new friends.
  • The bluest blues, greenest greens and warmest sunshine.

The view from our hotel room. Sigh!

  • Todd and I went snorkeling, one of our favorite things to do and saw beautiful fish and a turtle and then back in our hotel room, a large group of dolphins swimming right outside our window.

Yes, I am a huge dork!

  •  The bride and groom arranged for a morning yoga class on the beach that was amazing and reminded me how much I miss practicing.

Beach Yoga Bliss.

  • After much hesitation, I finally jumped off this cliff! I have never felt so old in my life, not to mention terrified.

Black Rock at Sheraton Maui.

Now for the not so great:

  • Even though we ordered a crib for our room, Lucas at 34″ would have nothing to do with it. He’s been in a “big boy bed” for four months, so I couldn’t blame him. On the other hand, he had to sleep somewhere and that ended up being right between Mommy and Daddy. None of us were used to this and therefore none of us slept very well the entire trip. Think arms in your face and swift kicks to your back.
  • We lost Lucas’ lovey somewhere between checking into our hotel and getting settled into our room. Luckily after searching everywhere and calling lost and found, it was recovered. NOTE TO SELF: Next trip, pack two, just in case!
  • A fire alarm woke us on our first night scaring Lucas half to death. I have never seen him so frightened. He was shaking and holding on to me tighter than anyone ever has and it took him a long time to get back to sleep. Lucas brought up the loud noise the rest of the trip. Poor buddy.
  • While on a boat ride and taking a self-roid family photo, Todd accidentally dropped his iPhone into the Pacific Ocean. He barely skipped a beat, where as if that had happened to me, I would have been crying like a baby! It’s situations like this that reinforce what a good match we are.
  • And speaking of photos, on Day 4 of our trip we discovered that 80+ photos had vanished from our camera. I’m still sick over this. I did my best to make up for it over the course of the rest of our trip, only to find out that all of the new photos disappeared too. Ugh!

The good outweighed the bad and for that I am grateful.  

Directly from Hawaii I headed to San Diego for BlogHer ’11. I’m still in the process of decompressing, unpacking, reconnecting with my family and laundry, but promise to share my thoughts on one of the best weekends ever soon!

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Filed Under: friends, iphone, list, memories, photos, redesign, travel Tagged With: iphone, list. friends, memories, photos, redesign, travel, wedding

Twinkle Twinkle Little Star

Posted on August 3, 2011 Written by Tonya

I finally captured Lucas singing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star (our Tumble Class rendition) on video!

He’s very anti-mommy’s phone and doesn’t like to have his picture taken anymore, so it’s just his sweet little voice.

Enjoy! 

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Morgan’s List Of What NOT To Wear To BlogHer

Posted on July 31, 2011 Written by Tonya

While I’m still enjoying a little R&R in Hawaii (I’ll try not to rub it in), my friend, Morgan of The Little Hen House is here to keep you company.

I’m happy to say that Morgan is a IRL (In Real Life) friend and she is simply darling. Her writing is everything mine isn’t; witty, sarcastic and laugh out loud funny.

Morgan is also a mother to two adorable little girls whom Lucas loves spending time with, she raises chickens, writes for several mommy-centric Web sites, shares great advice on blogging, hosts a weekly Dr. Mom feature featuring her own mother and because she doesn’t have a TV, spends A LOT of time scouring the Internet for sometimes bizarre and always hilarious items. 

The other thing Morgan does really well is Top Ten lists and here is one that she’d like to share with all of us…
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There has been a lot of talk about what to wear to BlogHer ’11 this year, and shoes are no exception. If you’ve ever been to a blog conference before, then you know one thing is for certain: There are going to be many, many bloggers wearing really cute shoes.

If you are shoe-challenged, then have no fear! Sometimes the process of elimination is the best way to decide what to wear. So, here is a list of the Top Ten Shoes You DON’T Want to Wear to BlogHer ’11:

Butt-Toning Sandals: 

Because this isn’t the “special” look you want to be going for. 

Teeva High Heels:

Just don’t even go there, ok?

High Heel Flip Flops:

 There will be people wearing high heels and there will be people wearing flip flops. You can’t have it both ways.

Nike Clogs:

 Wear Nikes, wear Crocs, just don’t wear these.

Thigh High Converse:

 *sigh*

Pink Leopard Wedge:

 The quickest way to take a little black dress from “day” to “street walker”.

Stripper Shoes:

 This shouldn’t need any explanation. If it does, I think the conference you are looking for is in Vegas.

Five Finger Running Shoes:

 I don’t care how comfortable they are, they just creep me out.

Scary High Heel:

 These take the term “spike heel” to another level. 

Pony Heels:

 There are no words.

I hope that gave you a little direction! Stay away from any of the ten styles above and I can guarantee that you won’t be the worst dressed person in the room. You’re welcome!

I urge you to follow Morgan on Twitter and Facebook and look for her epic posts on hosting a celebrity baby shower, Top Ten Reasons I Suspect My Children Might Be Trying To Kill Me and Celebrity Guest Post: My Summer Plans with everyone’s favorite gal pal, Gwynie.

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Filed Under: blog conference, clothes, guest post, list Tagged With: blog conference, clothes, guest post, list

Uncertainty

Posted on July 27, 2011 Written by Tonya

Each and every day, I strive to appreciate the wonder, beauty, and whimsy in the small moments, the moments that, when strung together, form a lifetime. 

From the moment I read this on the Home page of In These Small Moments, I knew Nicole and I would be friends someday.

Her writing is eloquent, touching and magical. It doesn’t matter if she’s writing a letter to her daughter’s teachers, allowing us a glimpse of the beautiful love she and her husband have for one another, sharing her grief for a father she never knew, or showing us a small moment spent with her son, Nicole writes purely, deeply and from the heart.

I am very honored to have her here today.

Please follow Nicole on Facebook and Twitter and look for her at BlogHer ’11, where she and I will most certainly be sharing a glass bottle of wine.   
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I’ve known for all of my life that my father was dead.

I was told that he was in Heaven…that he loved me very much and one day I would join him.

I’ve also known for my entire life that my brother was dead…that he was with my father and they were waiting patiently for me.

From a very young age, I felt that tremendous, consuming weight of death.

It became my responsibility to care for my mother and younger brother, as I was petrified of losing them too.

I don’t remember a time in my life when I didn’t struggle with anxiety…with fear.

My father was dead and fear of losing my mother was truly paralyzing.

My older brother died as an infant, so losing my younger brother wasn’t an irrational fear.

Tonya asked me one day, nearly a year ago, how I will explain my father’s death to my children.

My mother was faced with the choice between telling me the truth, as appropriate to my age, and distracting me with half-truths.

She chose the former.

And I’m not sure if there was a right answer.

For as long as I can remember, I have known bits of the truth that came to form a whole by the time I was a teenager.

I knew that my father’s best friend shot him. Twice. At close range.

And for my entire childhood, death was real.

It lurked behind every car trip.
Behind every scary face.
Around every corner.

I lay in bed at night, nearly every night of my childhood, bargaining with God.

I’ll be a good girl, God…please just don’t take my mother. I have nothing else.

I won’t sass, God.

I will keep my room clean, be nice to my brother.

Just please don’t take them, too.

When my daughter turned two, I felt as though I could breathe a little easier…that she was finally at an age when she could begin to store her memories…just in case.

That’s how I’ve lived my life, gathering small moments and stocking them away, just in case.

So, as my daughter approaches the age where she’s making connections, seeing where she fits into a larger whole, her little wheels are spinning and it won’t be long before she asks me where her grandfather is.

And it will paralyze me.

Because he is dead and I’m not as certain of that Heaven as I once was.

What will I tell my children?
Will I be as honest with them as my mother was with me?
Will I tell them comforting stories of Heaven and being together as a family one day?
Or do I have some other choice that I can’t see in this moment?

As the months since Tonya’s invitation have passed, I hoped that I would reach some conclusion…that the answer would take shape in my mind.

But it hasn’t.

And as more time passes, I’m not certain that there will ever be an easy answer.

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Filed Under: blog conference, difficult subjects, friends, grief, guest post, loss, parenthood

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