gender differences

Flawless

Posted on August 18, 2014 Written by Tonya

My six-month old crawls around my bathroom floor or sits in her bouncy seat as I shower, dress and get ready for the day.

I wonder what she’s thinking as I stand in front of the mirror primping and editing, grimacing at my reflection.

She tracks every movement I make completely mesmerized.

I painstakingly dry and then flatten my curly hair straight, cursing the thickness and amount.

She’s focused.

I carefully pluck stray gray hairs from my head and then tweeze my eyebrows.

She stares in awe.

I apply body lotion and eye cream.

Her gaze is wide and bright.

I examine my face with a magnification mirror, picking and squeezing at tiny black heads.

Each of my actions provide a mystery for her to solve.

I scrutinize my midsection and wonder if I’ll always have 5-10 pounds to lose.

Her curious eyes taking it all in.

This little girl is always watching and listening to what I say and do. What messages do I want her to see? What do I want her to hear? It will be years before she has to worry about any of this, but I think about it almost daily. How will I explain my own vanity to my daughter?

I’ll be honest about the work that can go into attaining feminine beauty and the pressures that are placed on even those who work at it the hardest. I’ll explain that these “pressures” are often self inflicted because of what our society says is beautiful.

I will tell her no matter how she views herself or how she thinks others are, that she is flawless.

I will stress that beauty comes from the inside no matter how many lotions and potions she uses and that less is often more.

I will try to convey that to feel beautiful and confident and accepting of herself is the key to longevity.

And I know she’ll believe me, just as soon as I do.

Embracing Pink

Posted on July 21, 2014 Written by Tonya

I am in no way, shape or form a girly girl, which according to Wikipedia is defined as:

“…a slang term for a girl or woman who chooses to dress and behave in an especially feminine style, such as wearing pink, using make-up, using perfume, dressing in skirts, dresses and blouses, and talking about relationships and other activities which are associated with the traditional gender role of a girl.”

I’m not into ribbons and bows, lace or frilly flowery things.

I don’t wear a lot of makeup, if any, absolutely no sparkly stuff and you can typically find my hair pulled back in a ponytail under a baseball cap.

There are way more pairs of jeans and sneakers in my closet than dresses, blouses or heels. In fact, I look like the Jolly Green Giant whenever I try to walk in heels. Seriously, there should be a class.

I don’t like to shop, hate gossip, except of the celebrity variety and don’t know the current “in” princesses, although you’d have to be living under a rock not to have heard about Elsa and Anna.

And I hate the color pink!

It’s funny though, when Lucas was born I grew so tired of blue, my favorite color that very much out of character bought a hot pink wallet and then later purse to match.

Feeling engulfed by boys (just the two… my husband and son) I started to get comfortable with my feminine side. I began to enjoy getting dressed up in heels and dresses for date nights and dinner with my girlfriends and asked a friend more than once to help me apply my makeup.

Before the ultrasound tech could confirm I was having a boy with Lucas I knew and the same thing happened with Lola. I just felt she was a girl. I have always dreaded the possibility of having a daughter, which deserves to be the subject of its own post, but one main reason is because I still feel so out of touch with girly things.

And let’s face it, too much pink can be sickening!I refuse to buy Lola pink anything, but I still seem to be surrounded by the hue.

So while I’m not looking forward to braiding hair, pretend spa in my living room, cleaning up piles of glitter or the sheer drama that comes with being a female, I am s l o w l y embracing pink and hoping that Lola finds her own style as she grows, just so long as it isn’t to girly girl.

If It’s A Boy…

Posted on September 30, 2013 Written by Tonya

When I was pregnant with Lucas, even after finding out he was a boy, we consciously registered for and bought a lot of gender neutral items… reds, tans, greens. Even his nursery furniture and decor could go either way.

But, clothes are a whole different ball of wax.

I have diligently saved all of my favorite articles of clothing that Lucas has outgrown, others I donate or pass along to friends.

If our next baby is a boy, he’ll be set! He’ll be able to wear practically brand new and/or gently used onesies covered with footballs, basketballs and baseballs, several pairs of Vans sneakers, brown loafers, Crocs with Spiderman buttons, Superman, Star Wars, Cars, airplane and vintage car T-shirts, an adorable vest with a train on it, countless blue, brown and black striped and collared shirts, so many cargo pants I’ll never have to buy another pair and dinosaur, monster, pirate, insects and boat pajamas.

If this baby is a girl…we’re screwed!

Guess what? I revealed Sunday that we are having a girl when I participated in RESOLVE’s inaugural Southern California Walk of Hope.

More than 280 walkers and $50,000 raised for RESOLVE. These funds will support local fertility programming, public awareness initiatives, and advocacy efforts to ensure that all family building options are available to all. No one should face infertility alone.

I walked for my daughter, in hope that she never faces the fertility struggles that I have and if she does, she’ll know she is not alone.

More on being a mother to a girl later…

Walk of Hope – September 29, 2013

Raising Confident Girls

Posted on April 4, 2012 Written by Tonya

I am the mother to a young son, but I am a woman and I was a daughter.

I think about having a daughter a lot and quite frankly it scares the hell out of me.

I wonder, how I will I raise a confident, well-rounded, strong, independent (but not too much so) woman?

While I had wonderful and positive parental role models growing up, I did not have the greatest relationship with my mother.

I was told how beautiful I was all the time by both parents and everyone around me and I learned to believe it, but I wish that my parents, in particular my mother, had tried to get to know me better and focus more attention on my other positive characteristics when I was growing up: I could sing, I was a thoughtful friend, very organized, always loved to read, excelled in English Lit, History, French and later Spanish, I was active in student government, landed the lead in school plays and always a starter on school sports teams. But because those traits were never highlighted, it took me many years and a lot of soul searching to realize there is much more to me than my looks.

We put a lot of emphasis in our society on appearance and it’s really a shame….

To read more on how I believe we can raise confident girls, please visit my post today on Smart Mom Style.

I Want To Be Just Like My Dad

Posted on March 20, 2012 Written by Tonya

The very first blog I read was Coreen’s, The Adventures of Captain Fussypants & Little Miss. We were friends long before either of us blogged, but it’s was her willingness (know-how and wit) to share her life as a new mom that made me want to start Letters For Lucas.

Coreen and I are alike in so many ways and in the ways we are different, we learn from one another. She is not only a true confident and an amazing person, she is also one of the busiest working mothers I know and I’ll never know how she juggles it all.

I am blessed to have Coreen in my life and honored to have her here today with a tender letter to her husband carefully letting him know what a wonderful father he is and what amazing children they have created together.

Mi esposo,

When I learned our firstborn was a boy, I had a momentary panic attack. I’m a girl! What did I know about raising a boy, teaching him to become a good man? But that’s all it was, a moment. Because I knew I had you to help me.

We are lucky, you and I, that we share the same values, that we are a team and that we each come from parents that have been married over 40 years. Although we are two different people, our love is the same, solid. And as parents, we are a united front.

The awe and responsibility of caring for someone other than yourself is daunting. And with your work schedule taking you away days at a time, it’s even more so, for both of us. I know you feel you miss out. Childhood is full of so many firsts and made up of so many moments, that you don’t get to be a part of firsthand. Pictures, video, Skype, it all helps, but isn’t the same thing. But our children have only ever known you with this work schedule and they are not fazed by it because when you are home, you are there for them.

I know you worry that our son won’t be strong or be able to stand up for himself. Raising a child to be confident and self-sufficient is a huge undertaking. But I write this to assure you that he is already strong and confident. I watched him from the sidelines as he approached boys twice his age to ask to be part of their flag football game and my heart swelled with pride that he knew what he wanted and wasn’t afraid to ask for it. He will be able to hold his own.

I know you worry that he will be the weird kid who will only eat plain noodles. But I write this to assure you that he isn’t afraid to try new things.

I know you worry he’ll turn into a wuss spending so much time with his mama. But I write this to assure you that he won’t. I won’t allow that to happen, because while a mama’s boy at 5 may be endearing, at 25 it is obnoxious. But I’ll snuggle him as long as he lets me.

I write this to assure you that while our son is a sweet, smart, imaginative and kind boy, he is also willful, clever, and competitive. Just like you.

He is a perfect blend of the best of both of us and that is a gift we need to embrace. Because as he grows, he’ll become his own person and will need us less. But I write this to assure you that we are equipping him with the right ideals, what it means to be kind, how to share, work hard, be respectful and confident. We are making him strong.

Our son hangs on your every word, so I write this as a gentle reminder to chose your words with care because when our son says, “When I grow up I want to be a race car driver, a motorcycle rider, a firefighter, a paleontologist, a soccer player, a hockey player and a chef. There are so many cool things to be, I don’t know which one to pick”.

What he is really saying is, “I want to be just like my dad”.

I write this to thank you for being a good dad, a good husband and my best friend.

I write this because I can’t imagine doing it without you.

And if our not quite two year old daughter’s early “terrible twos” stage is any indication, then we are really going to need to parent as a united front during the teen years because I certainly don’t want to do that without you!

Love,

Coreen

Three Become Four

Posted on January 18, 2012 Written by Tonya

I am uncertain how or when it will happen, but we are working on it.

In the meantime, I can’t suppress the visions I have of Lucas being an older brother.

I am trying to enjoy right now, the time that I am able to devote solely to my first born, the time that includes just the three of us. I hope Lucas will remember this time too.

But, I do see him playfully bantering with a little sister or brother, invading their space and pushing buttons just to get a rise out them.

I see the sweat glistening on the two of their foreheads as they collapse in giggles on the couch after a long summer’s afternoon in the backyard.

I see him reaching out to grab her hand as we cross the street and nodding to me as if to say, “I’ll take care of her”.

I see him letting her win a round of Go Fish or Checkers, because that’s what big brothers do.

I can hear the two of them pleading with me and their dad to let them stay up just a little longer because they are having too much fun to go to bed yet.

I see him helping his kid sister open a jar of jam for her toast as they rush around the kitchen trying to out the door for school.

I see him gently brushing the hair out of her eyes and a tear from her cheek after her first major heart break and then immediately vowing to kick the boy’s ass who did it.

I see the four of us sitting around our dining room sharing our highs and lows of the day, always supporting, sometimes challenging and deeply loving one another.

I would like to think that they’ll be close, my children; that they will gang up on their father and I as we vote on family vacation destinations, where to order take out, the naming of our pets and which movies to watch together. I hope that they will be there for one another in good times and in bad. Especially the bad.

Three become four.

I am uncertain how or when it will happen, but we are working on it…

Crush

Posted on November 15, 2011 Written by Tonya

It’s inevitable.

Bound to happen, as it does to all of us.

For some, it happens sooner rather than later. Much later.

I was in the second grade.

His name was (and is, we are now Facebook friends) Scott Brewer.

Lucas has been in preschool since August and has adjusted very well. He attends three days a week for three hours each day.

He’s braved the last 10 days without a lovey. This is HUGE!

He loves his teacher and has made friends. I have to smile when upon arriving each day how many of classmates greet him.

I have a roster of all the children in his class and we review it daily.

There are 24 boys and girls in Room 2, but only one that makes him light up like a Christmas tree.

Her name is Sophia.

The Perfect Playmate

Posted on September 22, 2011 Written by Tonya

Parents of an unruly two year old desperately seek playmate for their son.

Applicants must be easy going, polite, capable of patiently waiting for their turn, can take “no” for an answer and always pick up their toys when asked. Assistance and guidance will be provided as needed.

Interested parties are expected to challenge our son in such a way that he won’t know what hit him by forcing him to share his toys, books, dessert, crayons, photo ops, Christmas mornings, family vacations, doting parents and possibly clothes.

If applicant is male, he must be willing to share a room and wear hand-me-downs (see above), if applicant is female, she should be able to live with pink toile and either way, should be comfortable forever being known as “the baby”.

A cuddler is preferred but not mandatory.

As the “terrible twos” and maybe even threes (God, help us) subside, candidates should be able to look up to their big brother with admiration, respect, jealousy, animosity and love, all in equal measure. I assure you, he will do the same for you, as well as help guide and protect you. Our hope is that the two of you will become and remain the best of friends.

Although we are not picky, please note that we have been waiting a long time to find the perfect playmate for our son, but know the end of our search is drawing near and believe our home and hearts are open and ready for one more; one more little heart and soul to love and care for, one more set of hands to hold and life to share. We promise to love you as much as our first, but please hurry!

This post is was written for Write on Edge’s writing meme, Red Writing Hood. This week’s prompt: Write a 300 word (or less) personal ad. Constructive criticism is welcome.

All Boy

Posted on July 20, 2010 Written by Tonya

Men and women are wired differently and it is apparent even as young as 13 months old.

I definitely have a son!

Lucas has become a very active, very loud, outgoing, fearless, rambunctious little boy.

It feels like he is on the move from sun up until sun down. Actually, it doesn’t feel that way all at, it is that way. There have been many days recently that he has been on a nap protest making for a 13 hour day. IF he does take a nap, it’s from 10:00 – 11:30, which still makes for a very VERY l o n g afternoon. Where he gets his energy, I have no clue!

No matter how you slice it, he doesn’t want to miss a thing and is really into screaming, or rather screeching, throwing, pushing, brushing off and sometimes having a full blown temper tantrum until he gets his way or moves on to something else.

Um, can you say: challenging, exhausting and often confusing?

I thought that the terrible twos (or threes) were a little ways off. Could my little monster be getting a head start? And what’s with the no naps? Please tell me that this phase will soon pass! I rely on these naps and know he needs them too.

Any useful tips, tricks or insight into the toddler male (or adult male, for that matter) mind would be much appreciated. 🙂

The best is yet to be?

This post was written for the word game, Word Up, Yo! hosted by Natalie (Mommy of a Monster), Kristin (Taming Insanity) and Liz (a belle, a bean and a chicago dog).

If you like words too, play along!
This week’s word is rambunctious.

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Dressed For Success

Posted on February 8, 2010 Written by Tonya

I have been told that I dress you in too much blue and too many stripes. I may be guilty of that, but I also love to put you in orange, green, red, jungle animals (especially monkeys!), spaceships, robots, cars, planes, trains, dinosaurs and monsters too.

As I’ve perused the baby departments at numerous stores, I have come to the conclusion that I like clothes made for boys better than I like clothes made for girls. It’s not that I don’t like frilly dresses and ruffles, it’s just that I prefer the bright primary colors that are more common in clothes marketed for infant and toddler boys and the themes used in both boy’s and gender neutral clothing.

The themes in baby boys clothing celebrate predominantly male (and mostly working class) occupations such as firemen, construction workers, mechanics, pilots, and soldiers. Activity themes seem to be popular as well; involving clothes the promote going on safari, hunting, fishing, eating and playing sports.

Even as infants, we start to socialize baby boys into occupations. You rarely find occupation themed clothes for girls. Little girls clothes have flowers, frills, and occasionally animals (i.e. butterflies, dragonflies and lady bugs), but they don’t have occupational themes. They also rarely have activity themes outside of shopping or cheer leading. In fact, to me the worst subset of little girls clothes are those that say “princess” or “diva”. Diva is often used in a derisive way to indicate that the girl is overly demanding, and unlike the fireman or construction worker a princess doesn’t earn her title – she’s born with it or marries into it. Princess themed clothes also seem to play up baby girls looks – looking like a princess means looking pretty. I’ve seen a few shirts that have messages about boys being handsome or cute, and then there’s the ever witty (dreadful) sayings: “Chick Magnet”, “I drink until I pass out” or “That’s how I roll”, but those are much less common in the boys department.

I believe that one of the reasons that baby clothes are so strongly gendered is that babies themselves are often androgynous. If you put them only in a diaper, it’s often hard to tell what sex the baby is, but that androgyny doesn’t fit well into our gender polarized society, so this is where the clothes come in. Those clothes have underlying and blatant messages. Baby boy clothes say: be active, be bold, enjoy the outdoors, and get a respectable paying job. It doesn’t seem that baby girls clothing have the same messages.

Today’s parents have a seemingly infinite choice of where to buy baby clothes and also the particular style they want, as long as you can find something that fits….the sizing of children’s clothes is still a mystery to me, but that’s the topic for an other post.

The best is yet to be.

Flawless

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